The responses from this group are always so helpful, and I learn so much here. From the top of my head, I might ask "How's life going for you?" and see where that goes.

My thoughts were similar to seagrass'

I'm sorry about your husband, and that I couldn't be there. How are you doing now?

type of comment/question. I'd have to fiddle with it before I got to what I wanted exactly. Something like that.

I would say ”Hello, (name) It’s great to see you. I was so sorry to hear that your husband died. How are you doing?”

And let her take it from there.

What roxsol said.

Not what roxsol said. 😉 It's been too long for that, years, so I wouldn't blurt out condolences right off the bat. I would be prepared to acknowledge it in the course of conversation. She may bring it up directly or indirectly. Like if she says something like, "life has changed a lot for me over the past years," your response should make it clear that you know what she's talking about. Don't overthink it because the conversation will never go quite as you envision it. Being armed with the correct timeframe would be a nice touch, so you can say something like, "yes, what's it been about two years now, right?"

FOAS, I think there are a lot of people who have lost someone very significant in their life and they are all that they can think about. It can reach the point where they don’t like to bring up their loss because they’re afraid of being a real drag, but they are longing to hear their name, or at least a mention.

I don’t think it is ever too long a period to offer your condolences especially when it is your first face to face meeting with that person after the death.

I am of two minds, here, always ... as to which that first step might be.

When we meet a friend following an absence, our first issue almost always is to inquire as to how they are doing.

Her major issue right now is getting her life reconfigured related to building her new reality.

I am inclined to suggest that you meet her there - asking how she is doing, which will likely lead to her referring to one or more of her actions relating to the rebuilding of her life.

That would let you respond to that, after which you could refer to her loss of her love as related to your love for her, rather than immediately raking over those painful old coals when she first sees your face.

Meet her where she is now, rather than relating first to where she was, especially as it was and still is painful.

Looks rather like I came to a single-minded conclusion as to a suggestion to offer you, always.

You'll get some rather useful insights here, I'm sure.

You may even refer to your seeking guidance here as you visit your bereaved friend.

ole joyful

Well now we see why it's a dilemma. These things are really hard to navigate.

She's not a friend. She's a service person you haven't had contact with in five years. She sees 100s of people, she won't know you from the last 50 people...to assume such intimacy is a huge leap. She very well might be remarried. Facebook is not reliable nor kept up by most these days.

Go ahead and engage her as you always do service people who are working on your hair/nails let the conversation go where it does. Unless she brings his death up you have no reason to say anything to her about her personal business.

I would say,

Hello Susie, I was so sorry to hear of your husband's death. How are you?

We can hope she will have stopped mourning by now, but the loss of a close family member is never trivial. People just acknowledging the pain is usually a tonic.

I think I'm going to let the conversation lead there instead of my walking in and that be the first thing I blurt out. We will have plenty to catch up on and I'm sure the passing of her husband will come up.

roxsol - I hear what you're saying but I'll stick with my answer. Keep in mind that we're talking about an aesthetician who she hasn't seen in over five years, not some good friend. I'd look for cues rather than bring it up myself, but I suppose she can't go wrong either way.

I agree, FOAS. I’ll stick with my answer, too.

I just think that some folks are afraid to bring up a death because they think it will bring up sad memories. I don’t think it will. A death is always on your mind if someone close has died. Even years later. It’s not like you’re ”reminding” someone of it if you mention it to them.

“Blurt” means to say something suddenly and without thinking!

Who said blurt?

Just say it politely. If she wants to talk about it, she will. If she doesn’t, that’s okay, too.

I used the word blurt first here, and probably somewhat incorrectly.

Having lost my husband 12 years ago, I think since you do remember this happened, I’d say something like, “I haven’t seen you in quite a while. I was so sorry to hear about your husband. How are you doing?” and let her take it from there.
Occasionally I run into an old acquaintance I have not seen since before my husband’s death, and if they don’t acknowledge it I wonder if I should bring it up, in case they hadn’t heard. Having it mentioned or not mentioned does not make me feel any kind of way, tbh. But if someone I know has not heard this news somehow, I would want them to know.

I wouldn't mention it. It's a very personal matter that affects someone whose relationship with you is, at best, distant, limited, and dated.

I agree with Arcy and Elmer.

You expressed condolences on FB when his passing occurred.

One step, yes to seeing how the conversation goes. You are a kind person.

We will have plenty to catch up on and I'm sure the passing of her husband will come up.

I think that is a wise move. Only you know how close you are to her. I assumed you were friends with her as you were on Facebook with her. (I have no idea how Facebook works, to be honest).

eta I do hope it comes up and gets the elephant in the room out of the way for you.

There's no elephant in the room in this situation unless someone needlessly puts it there.

The OP made it an elephant in the room by wondering what to say. It sounds like she wants to acknowledge the death beyond her condolences on FB.

I say, offer your condolences, and see where it goes from there. No harm, no foul.

Nah, same comment. The room is free and clear, empty of baggage from incidents from long ago.

I have just gone though my dh's death and he was so far gone, he was begging me to pray and let him go. That was sad. I took care of him day and night for three years. He had no pain, he went easy and we all let him go. I was very relieved as I was ready to fall apart. Do I miss him, no, not like the way he was in the last years but I miss my old manfrom the earlier years. We honored him by not having a wake but he wanted to be cremated.

Now, for the first time in my life, I have freedom and I'm confused yet enjoying every minute of what's left. When people came to me, i just spread out my arms and say "it's okay, he wanted to leave and then I change the subject.

I would definitely repeat my condolences in person. I agree with what roxsol has posted - 5 years isn't very long at all when someone you love has died. They are with you always.

We can hope she will have stopped mourning by now

i'm sorry but that is a bit of a presumptuous statement to make. grief/mourning is a very personal thing and every person goes through it at their own pace. it's been 15 years for me and i still grieve.

i think in the OP's instance, a simple "i'm sorry for the loss of your husband and i hope you are doing well" is all that's needed. she will likely appreciate your kindness in remembering.

I'm making it an elephant in the room, that is why I brought it up and asking for advice. Death and serious illness makes me so uncomfortable...only because I don't know what the right thing to say to a person when someone close to them dies or is sick. I appreciate the feedback. And when I said blurt out, I guess I meant more like I not going to lead with giving my condolences. I'm sure it will be fine.

Nina, I apologize for that statement. Of course mourning is personal and has no time limit. I was clumsily trying to express that acknowledging the death was not going to bring up some traumatic response.

@Zalco/bring back Sophie!, thank you. having lost my husband to a long, brutal illness and having talked to other widows, the first couple of years is the hardest. it does seem like a long time but it really isn't. the first year is just a fog, the second year is the rather sudden realization that it really happened. it took me another couple of years after that to get all of my ducks in a row. i still have days when i'm not sure i can put one foot in front of the other but my doggos keep me grounded. :)

Oh, Nina, as someone who can still get choked up about long ago losses, I understand. Sending you my most sincere condolences. Great love makes for great loss.

While it's been five years since face to face contact, they've been in contact via Facebook. The death was within the last couple of years and always offered condolences at the time via Facebook.

While she likely grieves on occasion, she's busy now rebuilding her life and I think it's wise to start there and let the discussion proceed, likely referring to some of the disruption, at which time offering condolences will fit in smoothly.

ole joyful

thank you again, Zalco. i appreciate your sentiments so much and i'm sorry for your past losses. 💖

FWIW, I think lot of people get very uncomfortable because they're afraid the person may have an emotional reaction, and rationalize their hesitation by assuming that other person doesn't want to be reminded of their loss. When I was young and self-centered, I would avoid such encounters with such thinking.

Now that I'm more mature and have suffered grief myself I know it's about them, not me.

Well put, Carol. I think it’s always kinder to acknowledge these things than ignore or avoid them.

I think a lot of people think they should avoid mentioning a death in someone else's life, especially if it's been a while, because they don't want to 'remind' them by bringing it up. Rest assured, no one ever forgets and mentioning it is not going to dredge up some long buried trauma. I always mention someone's loved one's passing, if I haven't seen them in person. Even if I sent a note at the time. It probably wouldn't be the first thing out of my mouth, but something like, "I sometimes think of you and wonder how you've been doing," is a sincere expression acknowledging the loss. If the conversation moves to a place where you can more specifically mention his death, then I certainly would. If you knew her husband, then saying his name is a nice gesture, too, I think. "You and Steve seemed to be so well matched (or always had so much fun, or something similar), I'm sure you miss him terribly."

Well I had my appt yesterday afternoon. Although it wasn't the first thing I brought up, the passing of her husband did come up...and it was fine. Thank you for the input.

@Yayagal sending warm thoughts as you forge ahead.

Yayagirl, your caring, thoughtful, healthy and pragmatic attitude is an example for others to follow. Sorry for so many adjectives, I found your words to be very inspiring.

The loss of a close family member or other loved one shouldn't lead to a permanent debility among survivors. I've seen such an instance with a member of my extended family and to me, their difficulty in dealing with the situation was sadder than the death of their family member. And, if they had given it any thought, their reaction would not have been the result the decedent would have wanted to happen.

Life - something we all need to work hard to deal with, the unexpected and unwanted twists and turns.