i'm so glad you called her, i think you will be glad you did when all is said and done. i was my husband's main caregiver during the 21 months he fought cancer. during his illness, i kept about a dozen people apprised of his condition via a mass email, one of those being my brother who i was very close to. as the months wore on, people dropped off the email list (my choice) because i figured if i didn't get some sort of response, even just a "thinking about you note", it just wasn't important enough to them. culling them from the list just made my life a tiny bit easier.

by the time gary died, there were maybe 3 or 4 people who still responded, the rest just seemed to fall off the face of the earth, my brother being one of them. it was several months later when i heard from him to ask me how gary was doing. i wrote him back that he had died and his response to me was "why wasn't i told???". i ignored him and that was 15+ years ago, we haven't spoken since and he has never tried to contact me nor i, him.

when i was reading your description initially, i wondered if hospice had been called in. gary stopped eating a couple of weeks before the end, only taking water from a syringe and even that was a struggle. hospice was so wonderful, i couldn't have done it w/o them. gary so wanted to die at home, loathed the idea of being in a hospital or nursing facility and i was determined that his wish be honored. i'm sorry your family is going through this and i hope your brother-in-law's passing is peaceful.

i am a little late to this thread, but i am glad you called. you won't have any regrets later in life and it helps your relationship with your sister going forward.

my advice: keep in touch regularly and send a card or flowers occasionally to cheer her and let her know you are thinking about her.

skilled nursing home ... to memory care - because you asked, Lars, and because I have recent experience with my dad -- in "Memory Care" units the residents are confined to a certain area, usually a group of residential rooms and a common area. They are not free to get up and leave the facility as "Assisted Living" residents are. Memory Care units have more care staff-per-resident than Assisted Living.

When my dad was in Assisted Living, his neighbors were mentally sharp and able to direct their own care and lives. Some were physically more frail than others, and some were more social than others. His memory care neighbors were likewise varied in physical abilities and social inclinations -- but it was easily apparent that they were not mentally capable of directing their lives. They needed that locked door to keep them safe. My dad, for instance, was ready to 'walk back home' ... which would have been several hundred miles!

My sympathies to your sister. I'm glad your call with her went well.

I am also late responding, but just wanted to say that i am glad you called and talked with your sister. My sympathies are certainly with her in having to deal with her husband’s dementia and all that is associated with that, and are also with you and your brother. It isnt easy being a long-distance family. I’m sure you were relieved to hear what is really going on and she was likely happy to hear from you and have your support. You won’t regret that call.

Good job, Lars!

It appears death is not as imminent as you first thought -- always best to go directly to the source (your sister) than to rely on 'he said/she said'.

Your BIL will be safe in Memory Care, and your sister can be just his wife, not his caretaker, as his life ebbs. This is very expensive, but well worth it, IMO.

How have you left it with your sister? You might plan to check in with her every few days or every week. You've said she needs to *vent*! Can you just listen? If she wants advice, she'll ask for it.

Difficult times require a lot of 'bending' to avoid the kind of estrangement one of our KT members has related.

I think I have left it open-ended with my sister. She seemed in good spirits toward the end of our conversation, and she did laugh at some of the things that I said. She has always thought that I was funny, which is okay with me, even though I generally do not try to be. It is possible that talking with me cheered her up a bit, and if so, I am happy for that.

The last time I saw her was when she came to visit Kevin and me in Cathedral City, August 2019, because she wanted to see the house that we had bought here. The only renovation we had done at that time was the swimming pool, and I've wanted her to visit here again to see what else we have done since. None of us were traveling during the pandemic, and as Jack's situation got worse, she was stuck in Austin taking care of him, and Jack has not been able to travel at all since the pandemic.

Lars, sounds like you made the right decision. I am glad you talked to your sister and that she has help.

My sister is already getting rid of a lot of the clutter that Jack has accumulated over the years. I guess she feels that it is no longer of value to him. He was an avid photographer and took a lot of photos on his travels. He was a research scientist (entomologist) working for the government, and the government sent him all over the world to study insects for the use in biological control of weeds and invasive plants. My sister went with him on a lot of his trips. She has sorted through a lot of his photographs and given ones of his family members to those people. She told me that she has cleaned out his house in Little River (near Temple), and that must have been a chore. She's not sure what to do with all the books that they have, but I think she is going to try to donate a lot of them to libraries, if they will have them. It costs libraries money to catalog books that are donated to them, and so they have to be worth it.

Skipping down to comment, will have to read more later.

I'm so sorry to see this news, Lars. Yesterday, I wrote a long response, but the site glitched and it vanished before I could post. I wish your family the best.

The only bit of it that I think is worth re-posting is that sometimes not eating can be related to problems with swallowing.

Lars, I can't really add much to this thread. It is good that you did call and connect with your sister.

I am very sorry for all that is going on.

It is definitely not easy . It sounds like everyone is handling it as well as could be hoped.

Lars, I am sorry about your BIL's illness and nearing the end of his time. I'm glad to read that you called your sister since it sounds like you may have provided her with some welcome connection during a difficult time. I know I struggle with how to respond and behave in the face of illness or death that someone close to me is experiencing.

Both of my grandmothers went into Memory Care at the end of their lives with Alzheimers and Dementia. I think the facilities have specialized care to help with patients who are suffering the confusion and memory loss associated with the illnesses. I imagine that has been helpful for your sister to have someone to help care for her husband, especially if she had been caring for him on her own for a long time.

My sister retired about a year ago in order to stay home and take care of Jack, and before that, I believe that he still had some of his memory left, although it was somewhat sporadic. She had to make sure that he did not try to drive anywhere.

My father had dementia (either from Alzheimer's or Parkinson's or both) shortly before he died, but he never lost all of his memory - just parts of it. My brother Mike put him in a Veteran's nursing home in Temple, about 10 miles from where he lived, and he was one of the worst patients. He threw a wheelchair at one of the nurses. I think he lived only a month or two after being admitted, but he died of cancer instead of dementia. Out mother had died four months earlier, and she had been taking care of him up until that time. We had a nurse visiting her daily toward the end of her life, and I think she helped with our father also.

I'm not good at dealing with end of life situations, and I never know what to say to anyone. I think my sister is better at it. I know Mike was not good at dealing with our father, but then no one was.

Just being present is often more than enough.

Just being present is more than most people do, and that alone makes it valuable. Don't worry about what to say or what not to say...just be there to listen.

(((Hugs)))

Lars - I'm hoping that all of these condolences are helpful to you. Wishing you and your family the best.

End of life issues are tough. I just wish you all the best.

I agree, being present will show your sister you care. I always try to think of what I would want someone to say to me (or not say) and do that. When my husband died unexpectedly at a very young age (47) having our friends show up, cry with me, ask what they could help with, tell stories about him, laugh etc. was just what I needed. You're so good at entertaining and cooking, if there are gatherings, or if you go to her soon after he passes, maybe think about making food for her and for people who may drop buy. One of my friends brought a huge basket of ready to eat things that I could offer to people who came and stayed long enough that food should be served. Cheese, crackers, fresh fruit, cookies, olives, smoked oysters, everything but the cheese and fruit didn't have to be refrigerated or fussed with. Friends who would stop buy, opened and served things so I didn't have to. Beverages are always good to plan for. It never would have occurred to me to have food on hand to serve to friends who dropped by.

The only thing that I can remember that was not helpful, that I would never do to someone else, was a friend who we'd known for 10 years wrote a card that simply said, "I'm sorry for you loss." I know she meant well, but there was something so impersonal about it, not mentioning my husband by name or their connection to him that just felt odd. Like a Hallmark card greeting instead of something more personal. But grief can make you super sensitive, so when I look back, I realize it wasn't really bad it just hit me wrong.

Lars, I am late responding to this thread because in a way, it has hit very close to home. I was once in a very similar situation as your sister is, so I can understand what she is going through. And I can honestly say you did the right thing by calling her. Moral support is a very precious commodity in a time like this. A shoulder to cry on is probably the best thing you can give her now.

And the not eating is, very simply, a part of the disease. Alzheimer's patients lose their ability to swallow in the last stages of the disease, food just collects in their mouth, often causing choking.

As someone above said, end of life issues are tough. I'm offering my condolences to all already offered, and also sending up a prayer or two for your sister, for strength and comfort for her.

Rusty

Put yourself in her situation, wouldn't you want her to call you? I know I would. No judgement here, just a thought.

Putting myself in her situation doesn't really work for me because she and I are so different and often want different things, and we also deal with situations very differently. The "Golden Rule" doesn't work for me in this case because the way I want to be treated is likely to be very different from the way she likes to be treated. This is part of what makes this difficult for me and is why I need to ask others for advice.

I'm even questioning what Kevin and I should do when the time comes for us to visit her in Austin for the funeral. In the past, we have stayed at her house (she has two guest rooms, although one doubles as an office), and I do not want to impose on her. Jack has out of town relatives who might be visiting, and they might also want to stay with her. We have two nieces in Austin, but I would not want to stay with them, unless they specifically ask us to - I would never ask them myself. I'm pretty sure that Karen (our sister) will let us know whether she wants us to stay with her during that time. I can see it being a bit awkward, however.

Jack has two sons who live in Austin and I believe the other son (who lives in another state) would stay with one of them. I'm not sure where all the grandchildren live, but there is a good chance that some of them might want to stay with Karen instead of with their parents. I pretty much expect that Kevin and I will stay in a hotel, and then for only two or three days. I don't know how long people stay around for funerals.

The only funerals that I have traveled for have been for my parents and my grandfather. We stayed at our parents' house when they died and at my grandmother's house when our grandfather died.

Lars, I would suggest, when the time comes ... just asking your sister if she can recommend a nearby, reasonably priced hotel for you and Kevin. That gives her an opening to say that you could stay with her. If she doesn't offer her home, it may be that, as you said, someone else will be there. Or even that she doesn't want company and wants her home to be a refuge from being around all the well wishers.

When my DH died, even tho I knew it was coming, I was still in a fog and was not clearly thinking of all different scenarios. When someone made a specific comment, I was able to respond to it. So this way might be helpful for her.

I think you're a very thoughtful brother, to be thinking of all these things beforehand.

Lars, I am very sympathetic with your uneasiness over this. You are not alone. If I were in your position, I would go ahead and investigate hotels nearby so that you can already have that information at your fingertips when the time comes. There is no way I would want to stay with family members I wasn’t close to and hadn’t seen in years. If your sister would want you to stay with her, she will say something. Or, ask if a block of rooms has been reserved for out of towners.

You and your brother will be much more comfortable if you can retire to your own place after the day’s events. Also, as to how long to stay depends on whether or not your family will plan some time together after the funeral just to catch up with each other. Also, some close family members may need to stay over to help your sister with her affairs or even sorting through her husband’s belongings so that she isn’t burdened with that.

You may not fit into that latter category at all. Plus, you have to get back for your doctor appointment.

Indeed you are a very thoughtful brother. I wish you peace & clarity as you navigate your way through this process. It's never an easy task.

My sister has already started sorting through her husband's belongings - she never delays getting rid of clutter and is quite aggressive about it. She won't need much help in that department, but she will have to decide how to divide up his possessions, and a large percentage of those will go to his sons and their families.

He had collected a lot of books, especially during his travels to other countries, and I think she might want to hang onto those. Some of them she can't even give away, but some do have resale value, such as bird guides that he bought in different countries. I know she will only want to keep things for which she has pleasant memories.

He did not collect art or household objects. He did buy a bunch of rental houses in rundown neighborhoods in Austin that he gave to his sons to fix up, and some of those have appreciated in value considerably as the neighborhoods started somewhat to gentrify. Some of them are still in gang-ridden neighborhoods.

BIL passed away on Monday, but I did not get my sister's text message until Tuesday, since she sent it at night, and my phone was turned off. She said he passed very peacefully, and so there is that to be grateful for, and she told me that he will be cremated. There will be a memorial service for him (Unitarian) this summer, and so Kevin and I will go to Texas for that. His birthday is in July (He would have been 91) and so perhaps she will have it then. This gives us time to plan our trip. In the meantime, we will send flowers.

Kevin said that he only wants to go for a couple of days and stay in a hotel, which I think is the best idea. I do not think we need to be there longer than that, and neither of us wants to stay at her house. I think she will get plenty of comfort and support from Jack's family and her friends.

On the brighter side, Kevin said that now our sister will be able to visit us again, and she has been to our house in Cathedral City (where we are now) only once, right after we bought it, and it is of course very different now. I don't know how she will feel about traveling without her husband, and she might not want to do it for a while. She has never visited us without him, and they used to visit almost every year, except for years when we went to Texas to visit out parents. Our last trip to Texas was in 2017, which is the only trip we've made there after our parents died in 2012.

Oh Lars, I'm so sorry, but I'm glad his passing was peaceful. It's a relief for her for sure at the same time an awful, awful grief. Sending my deepest sympathies to you and your family.

Please accept my condolances Lars. I'm glad it was a peaceful passing.

(((Lars)))

Sending my sympathies for your sister and family, and for you and Kevin.

Sending condolences to you and Kevin

Sorry for your family’s loss. I think you have done all the best things. for the situation.

i'm deeply sorry for your family's loss. may he rest in peace.

I'm sorry, Lars. Loss of a family member is always hard. It does sound like an easy and peaceful passing like most of us would hope for. I hope your sister does well and you can enjoy her in in the coming months. (((hugs)))

(((Lars)))) My heart goes out to you, your families and to your sister. I'm so sorry.

Sorry for your loss. Wishing you and your family the best.

I see your BIL's death as a release for him and for your sister. It has to be both sad and a welcome end to the limbo of waiting. A memorial in July will be nice -- a time to remember all the good things in his life and relationships. You will, of course, invite your sister to visit you whenever she feels ready to do so.

(((Lars)))

Ditto @chisue's response.

Lars, my condolences to you and your family. I’m glad your brother-in-law’s passing was peaceful and that you will have time to plan to attend his memorial.

It will be a good time to talk with your sister and encourage her to visit when she is ready to travel.

My condolences for your loss; I hope you will get to attend the memorial with Kevin.

This is a sad thing to deal with but it sounds like you have a good plan. I think a couple of days is plenty especially when your sister has so many other people locally for support and there are always phone calls. Keeping in touch afterwards is important I think.

Very sorry to hear this, Lars. Wishing comfort for you and your family.

So sorry for you and your family's loss. Hugs.

Thanks for all of the condolences and hugs. I have not yet called my sister, and I'm not sure what state of mind she is in right now. I cannot gauge her feelings from afar. I did send her a long text offering my assistance of any kind, should she need it, and she replied very briefly that she appreciated my offer but that she had been expecting this for some time and was prepared for it.

Still, I think (for me) it is impossible to know how one is going to feel. I have not even processed my own feelings yet, and I think that will be easier to do at the memorial. I know his family loved him very much, and it will be good to see them again.

It is difficult to lose a family member even when it's not unexpected. I don't think I was aware that your BIL was 90. It is a sad time for you and your sister and I'm sure she appreciates any comfort you and Kevin may offer.

Deepest sympathies to you and your family. ((((Lars))))

Just seeing this. Sorry for your family's loss. I hope your sister is able to come out for a while. A change of scenery might be good.

Im so sorry for your loss. I hope your sister can visit you sometime soon.

My condolences, Lars - wishing you and your family peace