Wow.

I am truly just blown away by the depth of sharing here. Thank you all so very much. I'm actually so overwhelmed with feelings at the moment that I don't even know how to properly respond, but I want you all to know how much I appreciate all that has been shared in this thread thus far, and while it took me some time to actually post this (I've been considering it for some time), it feels right and good to have done so now.

Thank you. Each and every one of you.

I love Roz Chast. I own her book mentioned upthread and found it hilarious, bittersweet, and very poignant. I tried reading "Being Mortal" at one time, but couldn't face even thinking of such things. I believe I could now though.

There is so much complexity surrounding this topic, with each situation unique and special in its own right. Relationships are so nuanced, aren't they? Lately I find myself feeling a mix of immense gratitude for what currently exists, and sadness and fear for what the future surely holds. I know there's no way to predict the whens and hows, but there is no denying that "if" isn't even a thing. We are all going to face the demise of our loved ones and ourselves. That looks so obvious when I type out the actual words like that ... so why is it so difficult to accept?

I too have become very interested in concepts of mindfulness and have found some comfort in realizing that all I have is right here in this very second. The past does not exist; the future does not exist. My life is in this breath alone. I hope to be able to keep coming back to that when my mind wanders in a hundred different directions. I know with certainty that I won't always, but maybe if I'm able to at least on occasion, it will help.

I missed the rec for Roz Chast’s book. Oh, such a release it was to read it. Out-loud laughter, tears, and head-nodding abounded.

Ida - I am sorry you are at this point in a journey almost all of us face at some point in time. I think the scenario roarah describes is ideal - parents who have prepared legally and practically for the stages of aging. It is such a gift to children - to be able to be loving support unburdened by most of the challenging details.

My mother was finally diagnosed with Alzheimer's type dementia and she moved through the stages in textbook fashion. We did a lot wrong - she did the recommended legal/medical paperwork that was helpful but that is it. She did agree to move closer to me in an independent living facilty and did very well for awhile. We resisted memory support for too long because it was just too hard to "see" her as we saw others in memory support. An interim move to assisted living was not successful and we had to move her into memory support. We should have placed her for her worst days and not her best. Each decsion was challenging and stressful. My brother and I worked as a team with me being "boots on the ground" and he handled all the financial and adminstrative tasks from his home in another state. We both were working full-time and had children in high school/college. Our other sister was of little help despite living closer. She did what she could but it was limited. My advice is to work with your sibling/s to determine who will do what as the situation evolves over time. Your parents have helped by completing the paperwork to enable you all to help when neceessary. I think your biggest hurdle will be the challenges that emerge with decline. Are they open to any type of move to a continuing care facility (independent/assisted/memory/nursing)?

This is hard but I also agreed with whomever said that this stage is our parent's last lesson in love for us. Taking care of yourself and getting the support you need will be really important. I wish I had had this community when it was my turn for this walk! We will be here when you need us.

I understand what Roarah is saying. I think it is whatever works for each family. In our case, once my mom was diagnosed, she made the decision she was going to a hospice center. She thought she was helping us. But we knew all three we helped care for would prefer to be in their own home. So, that's what we did. As I said earlier, it was an honor to help with their care. I talked with my dad one day and reminded him of the years he and mom cared for us, etc. They had done the paperwork (wills, power of attorney, healthcare POW, etc.) and that helped alot. I handled my grandmother's finances and did so again with my dad. My sister is a nurse, so that came in handy. I was usually the one getting them to appointments, etc. as I had a very flexible job. Our husbands were very helpful too, even though my BIL was working out of town at the time. I know our parents and grandmother loved having us around and taking care of many things for them. But having caretakers, hospice workers (for my mom), etc. were a big help to us. I am grateful we were able to have that time with them and to help care for them. Sadly, my mom was the only one to remain at home till her death. My husbands mother is still living and I don't know what will happen with her. It would not be a good thing for us caring for her, and while my parents would never have wanted/asked to move in with one of their children, I suspect my MIL might have ideas about that.

Taking care of yourself and getting the support you need will be really important. This is so true. With help/support, IME is was a good time for us, being able to keep our relatives in their home as long as possible and helping care for them.

My parents have already made arrangements for long-term care, but I cannot for the life of me even fathom them moving out of their current home. The one that my father lovingly rebuilt with his own hands, turning so many elements into true works of craftsmanship that is unmatched in most of what is seen these days. I just can't imagine them in another location, in a facility of any sort, away from what they (and we kids) have known and loved for decades. It's a conversation that we need to have so that I can gain more clarity about their intent. Because I know that even though I can't wrap my head around it, that in no way means that it won't happen.

Great topic. What does an older person do when they have no one to check on them, or care for them, or get them a hamburger when they're sick, and live in a rural area with no assistance? And the person hates asking for help.

Loaded reply, huh? lol

Ida - I think that is the hardest part for so many. For some families, keeping their loved ones in thier homes for as long as possible is ideal. For others, that can take a lot of managment on the part of family and can be islolating for the loved ones. It is such a personal and situational decision. My MIL will not consider a move under any circumstances and has no issue expecting family to provide a great deal of support. Things may change in that situation, but I was grateful for my mom's willingness to move even though she left her home and friends of 30+ years. She made several new friends in her new home and even dated and had a loving boyfriend until her dementia made that too challenging.

My suggestion would be to have that conversation sooner rather than later. Too often, people make the move too late and find they cannot fully enjoy thier life in independent or assisted living.

Also, sometimes when discussing these issues, I am reminded of the debates about working moms vs stay at home moms. I believe, just like in those discussions, everyone's situation is different and there is no one right way of handling things. You are very thoughtful and your parents seem to be as well. You all will make the right decisions as they come.

Ida, a good friend of mine retired from being a hospice nurse, and now works p/t as a private duty nurse to a very wealthy man. She works three day a week and his other nurse works four days a week so he has constant nursing attention. He loves his big ranch and he can afford it, so it is the perfect solution. One thing to check on might be what type of in-home nursing care their long-term policy will provide. And oh yes, that Roz Chast book was fabulous!

Oakley, your son and DIL are right next door!

Ida, you do definitely need to have the talk. I feel for you!

All of us need to have the talk, have the legal matters in order, etc. I know there are several here

like my husband and I - no children. We have very close friends that we consider family. There sons and one of my husband's cousins will handle things for us if that time comes. We hope to age in place, but who knows what will happen. We have discussed Assisted Living and there are facilities where one partner may only need care, but they have rooms to accommodate both spouses. Some even allow a small pet. : )

@rubyclaire your mother-in-law sounds like mine! My aunt had a boyfriend at the Assisted Living where she lived. It was so cute to go in and see them holding hands. My grandmother came to love her AL and it was a "safe place" for her. When we would take her out or she'd come to our house, the visits would usually be fairly short. She wanted to get back "home". It was sad in a way, but on the other hand, I was so, SO relieved/happy that she felt that way,

One other thing I would like to add is don't be surprised if you find yourself being selfish, acting like a petulant child at times and lashing out at others. I vividly remember after a week of making the 100 mile round trip to visit my Dad in the hospital after work each afternoon, my sister and brother arrived on a Friday night. Since they were there and keeping Dad company in the hospital for the weekend, I was going to take a break and stay home on Saturday. I was so tired.

A few hours into my day off from visiting/driving, the doctor called and told me things had taken a turn and I needed to come over. I vividly remember whining to him that "I've been over there every day this week and I was planning on taking a break today and I really don't want to make that drive. Is this really necessary?" And, then as I listened to the long pause on the other end of the phone, I felt incredibly ashamed for my selfishness.

Sometime later, my sister and I had an awful fight over the flowers for my brother's funeral (he passed suddenly two months after Dad at the young age of 46). We were literally screaming at each other which gave way to tears and then we were hugging each other for all we were worth.

Forgive yourself for these kinds of lapses. Stress will do that kind of thing to people. :)

Good luck Ida. It is a wicked ride.

Both my parents are now deceased. My Mom died from being a lifetime smoker with her mental facilities sharp as a tack until the end, whereas my Dad ended up with Alzheimer's and did the long slow decline into oblivion. That ride with my Dad about did me in. It was brutal.

Wine, good friends, and whine. Lean on your friends, and good luck.

Caregiving has been a big topic in my life the last few years and I do agree each family needs to do what works for them. Up to this point my support has come from a couple of close friends who are going through the same ”season” in life.

My Dad passed in 2017, my mom in 2020, and my FIL a few months ago. With my Dad I had very little direct responsibility, his wife who was a bit younger than he handled the vast majority of his care. I stepped in when she needed a break. Prior to my mom, falling ill she was very active, spending lots of time with friends and working with charity organizations. Once she became ill at 88, I had primary responsibilty for arranging her care. She stayed with us for a short time while I was getting longer term care in place. During the time I managed her care she lived with me, at her home with a caregiver, at an Assisted Living residence, in a Board and Care and a SNF. It was difficult as it seemed every few months her health would suddenly further decline and require new care arrangements. This was all over 14 month period. She had care plans in place, but I had responsibility to carry out the plans which was not always easy. I am still dealing with her estate. Even though she had an estate plan, she did not follow through on a number of things and that combined with ability to get very little done in 2020 it has been an on-going stress.

My in-laws assistance, has primarily been handled by my husband. My FIL had multiple strokes, eventually one was bad enough that my MIL could no longer care for him and he moved to a Board and Care. He lived there for 4 years before he passed. My MIL’s house sold two weeks ago and she moved in with us. We are in the honeymoon period. She has her own suite of rooms, which is nice. I am worried about how this will work out moving forward, she is not as healthy as I believed. We asked her if she would like to live with us about two years ago, she was healthier then but very lonely. Took her until interest rates started going up to decide she was ready to move-in with us. Our agreement is that she is going to stay with us as long as she is self sufficient, when she is not able to stay at our house alone if we go away for a few days, then it will be time to make other arrangements. Thankfully she has the income that will allow her to move to an Assisted Living residence if needed. My MIL worries me the most. She is very strong willed, gets extremely unreasonable at times and is under the delusion that she is much healthier than she is. She is one where I may need to seek out additional support, we shall see.

Yes Tina, they sure are.

Such thoughtful and profound sharing here! Thank you all again. I feel like this is a thread to which I'll refer back again ... and again.

In addition to thoughts of elderly parent care, I can't help but think too about the care that DH and I will need when we're their age. We have no children; I have siblings but can't really envision them having to deal with me in my old age. Too, our current plans are to build our final home in a mountain community with a fairly limited infrastructure in the immediate vicinity. It's our dream and I'm not willing to give it up when thoughts of "what if?" arise. Perhaps we'll have the opportunity to live a decade or so there before something forces us to go elsewhere; perhaps things will work out a different way entirely. We make our plans but life will unfold with or without our direction, that's for darn sure.

I've always thought that eldercare was far harder than child care as children have to listen to you, but your parents? Not so much.

My family is all on the other side of the sod now, so in one way, it's so much easier than when they were alive and needing care...on the other hand, it's so much harder not having family any more. Either way, family is hard.

ded what a sweet and touching photo...

Annie - this statement rings so true - My family is all on the other side of the sod now, so in one way, it's so much easier than when they were alive and needing care.

I miss my parents. I feel like an adult orphan, and the Christmas holidays are hard every year. (It gets easier with time, but I don't think I'll ever stop missing them at holiday time...)

However, I miss what my parents were. I don't miss the last few years of each of their lives. Both endings were almost unbearably painful, but for very different reasons as they each had very different journeys.

I'll be honest - I read these threads here, about what all of you who have aging parents are going through - and I feel such a sense of relief that my days of having to handle that are over. It's the hardest thing I've ever done.

With no children, one option under consideration, should I outlive DH which is most likely, but who knows...is to move into one of those facilities that have continuing care. There's one not far where you buy into the place with your own apartment (1,800 sq ft or so) and then they have the facilities to care for you as your needs increase with age. Without family around to care for you, it's important that someone is around you enough to note when your condition deteriorates and you need more help. In my experience, the person themselves is the least capable of judging how deteriorated their condition is...be it for driving, keeping track of medications, etc. because they have the most to lose by losing their independence.

My father died a number of years ago and my mother who is 94, is now in memory care and is completely nonverbal, immobile, paralyzed on her right side after suffering a stroke in the fall, and can only eat pureed food because of swallowing difficulties. I have been taking "care" of her for 8 years now, not physically in my home, but making sure that she has the proper care and is in the proper facility. I do the discussions with staff, social workers and the doctors, bring her the special lotions that she likes and sit with her. I have 4 siblings and they don't help out except for the occasional visit. I do it out of duty and nothing else.

My DH does the same thing for his mom and has two siblings who also do nothing. One lives a province away and never comes to see her mom. Her mom turns 95 in a couple of weeks and her daughter won't be there. Why? I don't know.

We are 70 so seniors taking care of seniors. We don't begrudge our choices because even though my mom doesn't like me (she never has as apparently I'm too much like my dad - LOL) I would never leave someone who needs help high and dry.

I wish that my mom could have a good death instead of this long and drawn out end to her life, If she knew and understood what her ending was like she would pull the plug herself. The scenario for her is only going to get worse and more uncomfortable. I don't feel bad for me but I sure do for her.

Yes! to the idea of asking for physical therapy - occupational and speech are also quite valuable. We had in home visits through Medicare and they went through the house to assess fall risks and give us recommendations for things that would be helpful - like risers on the sofa so my mom could more easily get up and down from it, removing glass shower doors, and installing toilet hand rails. she pitched a fit over each change, but came to accept them over time. We had CNA care through an agency, mostly paid for by my sister and BIL. There were a number of such agencies to choose from at the time - tho I don't know how well staffed they are now, post pandemic.

I also relate to the regrets about times when I might've been kinder. My relationship with my mom has always been rather fraught; she was fiercely independent, fiercely private, and one of those 'take charge' types. She was not someone who accepted help or change easily, quite the contrary, nor did she tolerate what she considered disobedience, so tempers would flare.

My mom's sharp decline started around the same time as the COVID pandemic - she was in a rehab facility (her 2nd in 3 months) when lockdown started, and she wound up staying several weeks past the time when she would have been discharged. Nobody could go in to see her, only drop things off, and talk to her on the phone (for me, it was mostly being berated over the phone). My anxiety levels went through the roof. My sister pointed out that I probably had some PTSD after it was all over.

It's true grief can sneak up on you - it's certainly different for everyone, I've learned. There is no 'right' or 'wrong' way to grieve. Sometimes, it even happens before your loved one passes.

Blfenton, my heart goes out to you. Even when your elderly parent has care, you are ultimately responsible for them .

Perhaps we'll have the opportunity to live a decade or so there before something forces us to go elsewhere; perhaps things will work out a different way entirely. We make our plans but life will unfold with or without our direction, that's for darn sure.

Well Ida, I have an acquaintance in her 80s who is building a new house! And Buzz Aldrin just tied the knot at 93. Go for it.

My father passed away relatively young (66) and suddenly. My Mom passed away just as COVID took hold, at age 94. Mom lived in her own home up until her late 80s. For several years she had live-in help. When she started to get dementia, it was untenable and she went into a home. She was there several years. She had a great attitude about it but it was not how I would like to spend my last years (and a million plus dollars).

My FIL and MIL are both late 90s. He lives at home, she lost her ability to walk and is in a home nearby. He visits her every day. They serve him his meals there with her. I have no doubt they are both alive for each other.

It is odd, we spend so much of our lives striving for, or looking forward to, the next thing. It is important to keep thinking that way, I believe.

I do admire Roarah's parents attitude and I think it may be very wise.

My folks 'down sized' to an senior living situation long before the physcial issues of stairs and yard work demanded it. They were careful to choose a place in the same part of town where they had lived the last 40 some years. This allowed them to have the same church, same grocery, same accesss to friends etc. This also opened new doors for them as the place they chose had residents that wanted to gather, share a meal occasionally etc. The idea of growing old and dieing in your home is one that has been perpetuated as THE BEST case senario but when you lose a spouse, find your mobility becomes a challenge maybe it isn't the 'best' in the long run. It is for sure a time where our life choices hit us in new ways. My parents have five kids, 12 grand children and thus far 6.5 great grandsons. Three of their five live in the same town as they do. Almost half of the grands are there too, as well as 4.5 of the greats!! Three there, sharing this aging stage is a blessing for all of us. The two of us who aren't there have peace of mind, the three siblings there, have each other to bear this with and my parents have company more often than not. Large families have gotten such a bad name in current society--but when all is said and done is when their blessings really appear.

The retirement community my parent's choose has greatly improved their social quality of life also Arcy.

This need not turn into a debate about societal views of family size. We each play the hand we're dealt, and there is no such thing as an ideal family size or composition. There can be no guarantee that what works well in one family is going to work well in another, and truly, I think more and more about how fortunate this world is that it is comprised of such diverse ways of life.

So many factors come into play. There’s no one right way. Family dynamics. Personalities. Countless other things.

My mom was really stubborn She did not want to be a burden. She was so stuck in that thinking that she sometimes made it harder for me to help. For instance, she insisted she was doing her laundry. She wasn’t. It was so hard for her to admit she couldn’t do it. She worked from the time she was a child helping on the farm. That was quite a scene. Each time she needed more help she would say it was time for her to go to a ”nursing home” which she equated with hell on earth or join my father at the cemetery.

When my sister came up to get her we visited her doctor together. They weren’t going to let us both in to the appointment. I insisted. So uncharacteristic of us. My sister is the authoritative one. My sister was taking over as her caregiver, we needed to both be there.

She brought up getting my Mom on a med for depression. If I had known how easy it was I would have asked years earlier. She was already on eight meds so I hesitated. Plus I knew my Mom wouldn’t care for the suggestion. My Mom though never argued or made a scene around my sister.

As you can see…..I’m still processing LOL

Something I'd add is how vital it is to realize that it's so often impossible to set up a plan that results in what seems to be the gold standard: the classic keep-them-at-home-till-a-good-death-in-their-bed outcome.

For one thing in today's world of medical technology, medicines and treatments people can and do live a very long time with some really awful physical limitations. Back in the day people didn't routinely live into their 80s, 90s and even over 100 YO(!).

They do now and it is simply not possible to keep a vegetative centenarian in his or her own bed especially if that state lasts literally years.

It does take a facility to keep that person fed through the tube, diapers changed, medications adjusted, bathed to prevent infections and bedsores etc.

Even non-vegetative, he super elderly will more often than not require levels of care that can be absolutely impossible to handle for one or even a group of loving children.

Then too because of that longer lifespan the loving children are themselves elderly! My husband is 70 years old and still responsible for his 99 year old vegetative parent. Due to dementia she's been in assisted living for almost 8 years and a vegetable for the past 2+. But the heart keeps beating and she keeps opening her mouth to be fed, for who knows how long? As others have said, the person we knew and loved is long gone, there's just a body existing in that room right now and until it ends.

So be loving and caring to yourself too. One reason elder care is so heartbreaking is because while it is indeed similar to infant care, you aren't watching a life begin to flower.

You are enduring a long slow heartbreaking farewell to someone who once was vital and independent and can never be that again.

So do what needs to be done with love, make the best decisions possible and don't hold yourself to some impossible standard nor beat yourself up about moments of impatience or fatigue.

I haven't read all the responses here but I will have to say that money does come into play and so does the personality of the elder. I took care of my parents at home and they died in the space we built on the house for them. It's like another house and I was able to work at home and take care of my dad for 16 years. The last few years were rough but I was always very happy as he was too that he was there in the house and I was the one taking care of him. You really can't plan a whole lot ahead of time. Things happen and then you deal with them at the time. My father really was the best and he never complained and was exceptionally easy and a joy to spend time with.

If I had to do some things different in life I would but taking care of my father and for a while my mother until she passed, it's not one of them. I'm happy that I was able to be there for them until their last moments and they never had to go into a nursing home.

the classic keep-them-at-home-till-a-good-death-in-their-bed outcome.

This gold standard is not universal. For some, like myself, the concept of elderly people living alone seems like a recipe for loneliness, isolation and depression. Many people would rather have a multigenerational household where the elder is integrated in the household and can feel included and productive. As we age and may no longer be able to drive, or have many friends who are unwell or no longer here, social interaction baked into our daily lives seems preferable to me.

I understand there are senior living arrangements with dining halls and social events that almost resemble a college dorm. That seems great too. Friendships, community, purpose, these things require interactions which can be hard to muster living alone in suburbia.

It's not for everyone, but then again, neither is the concept of living in your own house until you have to be cared for.

PS I only mention this because sometimes we think there is only one way of doing things, one best solution and that is rarely the case. And yes, I am well aware there are some families where multigenerational is out of the question.

But the heart keeps beating and she keeps opening her mouth to be fed, for who knows how long? As others have said, the person we knew and loved is long gone, there's just a body existing in that room right now and until it ends.

@runninginplace I'm so sorry - this was our experience with our mom and it is heartbreaking and bank breaking. I referred to the hand feeding as a "human feeding tube". In our living wills, apparently we can reject artifical feeding tubes but will continue to be hand fed as long as we respond by opening our mouths. I'm sure you have consulted hospice services or perhaps they are already on board. I'm not sure how this issue would be handled in an in-patient hospice center vs. assisted living facility but I wish there were another way.

Runninginplace, my mother was in memory care for a couple of years but then in that state for the last few months. Thank goodness she was in memory care, and it was covid, so when it started to sound like they wanted to move her to skilled nursing, I asked if she was eligible for hospice. That way, she could stay where she was, in familiar surroundings and noises, with caregives she knew, and who knew her. Because of covid, occupancy was down (fewer admissions), so that worked out, and her CNAs could take the time to sit with her while feeding her, and chat to her.

We're 48 and 51 with no children. My parents have three children but effectively only two who could assist, myself and my younger brother who lives in the same city. My husband is an only child to his father and stepmom; he's one of six adult children to his mom/stepfather.

Our biggest concern for his parents (72/73) who are mobile and healthy, are finances. Neither one have a solid retirement plan. For my parents (76/75) it's not finances it's my mom's health. She's mobile but requires weekly assistance in certain things. Dad was never easy to be around and things are starting to happen that my mom confides to me about which I share with my brother.

My husband and I have an AL plan, so our nieces don't have to help us. And it's all about planning. Sadly even as a legal partner, making end of life decisions can still be challenged by extended family. And medical aided death is only recognized in 14 states.

If we really care about our families, we should be actively preparing to not go gently into that good night on 10 years of life support. If it looks like I'm getting there, I'm going to pull the plug.

https://compassionandchoices.org documenting end-of-life values and priorities and about the full range of available options.

Anyone who has not read it must really read Being Mortal, as others have said.

I feel like i need to read it again!

https://smile.amazon.com/Being-Mortal-Medicine-What-Matters/dp/1250076226/ref=asc_df_1250076226/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=241920322233&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=5264891148980939569&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9003451&hvtargid=pla-525539544848&psc=1&region_id=373786&sa-no-redirect=1

My mother passed away just before Christmas, today would have been her 93 bday. She had been living in a house she built 10 years ago but was not really cooking or eating. She went into AL realizing that she probably should have gone earlier. One of the issues in AL was that she felt she was more independent than most.

In June she fell and broke her hip clearing out her house. This started the downhill spiral. She was still sharp as ever. I was honored to be there when she peacefully passed.

My sister and I are so glad we sold her house and that she was there to help go thru it, tell us stories, and just be present for all of us. That would be an emotional task to do today with her not here.

I tried extremely hard to get my father involved in social activities and eventually we settled on him playing bridge twice a week and he was a master so that was something he enjoyed. But having friends over never happened and the family was his social outlet.

He stopped driving when he moved in with me so I always drove him everywhere. We had some funny stories like when we had a new car and my husband said no food in the car but I thought no and we went to the drive-thru and he immediately upended his bag of fries and milkshake all over the place and I just broke out laughing.

You've got to have a sense of humor or everything is heartbreaking.

It hasn’t happened in my family (yet?), but I’ve seen hard feelings and resentment about who isn’t helping at all or enough. But as the outsider in these situations, I also see a lack of communication that certainly contributes to these stresses. Too often the main caregiver never asks for or tells the other sibling(s) what is needed. They assume the others know, or should instinctively know. Maybe worse, is the caregiver that has the “I’ll just do it myself” attitude who then gets annoyed and resentful, when they didn’t give the others the chance or space to help. Or tell them what was needed.

My advice, as an observer, is to communicate with the any other siblings, family members, or caregivers. Don’t assume everyone knows what could or should be done. or that you need help.

I hope I heed by own advice when the time comes. 😁

It seems that not that long ago, I never really thought too much about death and loss and grief. Once I reached this stage of life, though, it all of those things seem to be uncomfortable companions that have pulled up chairs to the table and insist on sitting with me all the time. I have a feeling they are here to stay, and I don't like them there. Maybe once you get to a certain age and the inevitable reality becomes clearer, you just have to learn to sit with those companions. I can't imagine they'll ever go away now.

So true, Ida.

I remember as they got older, my Dad and inlaws started thinking about dying and then talking about dying and then making arrangements/plans for dying. It wasn't something I wanted to think or talk about so I would try to change the subject. Now they are all gone and I find myself thinking about dying, and it is a most unwelcome companion because I'm nowhere near ready to die yet, but my generation has reached the age where friends, former co-workers and classmates are starting to die. And, every time I learn that someone else has died, it brings the point home that I'm getting older and have lived more years than I have left to live and that there's not a thing I can do about it.

On the other hand, my mother never talked about dying so I don't know if she thought about it or not. I imagine not everyone does as there are people who are very good at putting things out of their mind or compartmentalizing issues they don't wish to deal with.

Regarding children. My husband and I have no children by choice. I'm not sure what will happen to us as we age, even though we have a sort of plan. We all know how our best made plans can be upended. It's wonderful when adult children step up and take care of their aging parents, but I know so many people with children who don't or won't make time for them that they might as well be childless.

I think, that unless the children have indicated they are willing to be caregivers and that it's been discussed with all parties involved, people should plan for their future care and living arrangements without counting on kids to care for them even in minimal ways. I know how that sounds, but it's realistic and these are some of the most important decisions we'll ever make, so it's imperative for those with children to be realistic about what other family members are willing to do and what they are capable of doing. And, also to think about what is being asked of those adult children as well. If they are busy with careers and young children, it's a huge thing to also take on the care of an elderly relative especially one who may be experiencing physical and/or mental decline.

My parents were independent and active until their early 80s. They travelled quite a bit, went out with friends, entertained at home, etc. My dad's short term memory started to decline at around 80 and that really bothered my mother. I didn't understand it at the time, but in retrospect think she became frightened that she was going to have to take on a huge caregiver role and wasn't ready for it. At the same time I think she was basing her fears on some misunderstandings. She witnessed a couple relatives dying of Alzheimer's and convinced herself that's what has happening to my father. As a nurse she was always my father's spokesperson at their GP, and unfortunately my dad ended up on a too high dose of Aricept along with poorly assessed diagnosis of dementia. It's a long story but I finally got him seen at the geriatric center of a teaching hospital and turns out he did not have Alzheimers's. Anyhow my mother convinced herself that he really need to be in skilled nursing facility, which my siblings and I all agreed was ridiculous, but because of that she pretty much blocked any efforts we made to either make their home aging-in-place ready or to look at some of the very nice continuum of care senior residences that were nearby.

Fast forward 7 or 8 years. It become very clear that neither of my parents could continue to live in their 55+ two story condominium. Most of my mother's friends had passed away, macular degeneration curtailed her ability to drive, and Covid had hit which isolated them even more socially. My mother fell one night and severely bruised her hip. My sister and I rotated staying at their house for 3 weeks. She was no longer cooking. I began cooking their food for a week, freezing the meals and delivering them. My sister handled the grocery shopping. She and I coordinated driving them to their medical appointments.

If I could pass on any advice to others who have parents at the start of their elder years I would strongly suggest being realistic with them and yourselves about the ability for them to live out their lives in the own homes. This is based on my own experience, I know every situation is different. Once the time for in-home help comes it is incredibly difficult, at least in my area, to find. And expensive. Luckily my parents had the financial resources to afford help, and as a veteran my father was even entitled to 20 hrs a week of free care. But if a parents isn't used to having help in the house they often refuse it or find everything wrong with the helpers. In my parents situation the only viable option we had was for one of us to move in with them, which would have been incredibly difficult for any of us. Unfortunately, things can quickly get to the point where a different residential situation is needed. Trying to do that at the last minute is very stressful and upsetting to all involved. The last 6-9 months before we finally got them into a continuing care environment were some of the worst months I've been through.

Considering the stage you are at with your parents, Ida, you might consider looking at some on-line sites. Agingatahome.com, the forum at agingcare.com, even AARP. There are lots of commercial sites pitching specific services etc., which I'm sure you will recognize and avoid. There are a lot of real people sharing their thoughts, feelings, grief and concerns on forums.

I just finished up an extended round of therapy with a licensed social worker who had a lot of experience in geriatrics. I started last year when things got really bad with my parents situation. It helped a lot, and I would recommend that type of focused therapy.

Wishing you all the best as you navigate this profound journey!

My parents are both gone now too- It is really specific and especially so with siblings.

We will always mourn their deaths, even when that was their last wish. My Dad had dementia & had a lucid moment which I will always treasure.

This may be a downer. I just want to add a caution about using "hospice" services from any for profit facilities seniors may be in, especially if the facility is one that doesn't accept medicaid funding or "low income" assistance. You can google, I think, to find more info, but here is one article.

https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2022/12/05/how-hospice-became-a-for-profit-hustle

I also speak from the very painful experience with my mother who I suspect was hastened to her demise with morphine by the hospice in her senior living (national chain). Oh my gosh, I realize that sounds crazy but I think my reasoning is sound. Just a heads-up, as if there weren't enough pitfalls to be aware of.

This is very important Barncatz. Thank you for bringing it to attention. Im so sorry you experienced ut with your Mom.

I have not had a chance to read all of the responses. DH's and my 8 year caregiving journey of our parents ended in October when my mom died. None of our parents lived with us. My inlaws died at 91 and 94, still living indepentently in the home that they built in 1947. Both of them had the good fortune to rarely be sick. My MIL got pneumonia and died at home 2 weeks later, my FIL fell in his bathroom two years later and died instantly.

Unfortunately, my parents had long declines. My dad had COPD and congestive heart failure, and my mom had dementia and was very frail. They first lived in a senior apartment complex, moved to assisted living and then spent the last months (two years for my dad) of their lives under hospice care in a skilled nursing facility. Fortunately, they had plenty of money and were able to afford this care. It is astronomically expensive. The only move that they chose was the senior apartment complex. The others were much needed, but my mom resisted at every turn. My dad was fine with going to where they would get more help.

My inlaws and my dad were easy-going, but my mom was not. She had untreated anxiety during her later years, which made it very difficult. I had to learn to let things roll off of my shoulders, but I did shed many tears as I watched the kind and loving mother who I had always known become a bitter person who always found something to complain about. It was very hard, and although I miss her deeply, a burden was also lifted off of me and one of my brothers when she died. Then I feel guilty for feeling relieved that she was released from her body which wasted away before my eyes.

Being the only daughter, the bulk of managing their care, finances, everything fell to me. One of my brothers who lives close helped by visting and calling them often. My oldest brother lives in another state and rarely visted, but he did call them often. I suppose my first advice is to make sure your parents have all paperwork in order. Thankfully mine and my inlaws did (as do DH and I). Be gentle with yourself. Caregiving is very stressful, and caregivers often die before the person they care for due to stress. Join a caregiving group, see a therapist. The agency for aging has multiple groups here. Some are specialized for Alz and dementia. I went to a group and also saw a therapist.

The biggest burden for DH and his siblings was the huge house full of stuff, airplane, cars and hangar, etc. that had to be dealt with. Get rid of all of the stuff that you can so your children will not be stuck with that, and encourage your parents to do the same. I was so grateful that my parents no longer owned any real property or vehicles. Their estate was so easy.

I know this is rambling, I feel like I could write a book on this subject. I won't say that elder care was the hardest thing I have ever done, but it's in the top five! The temperament of those you care for makes a big difference, but know that people's personalities can also change due to dementia. I send positive thoughts and energy to all of you are still in the throes of caregiving (or will be one day).

Hugs to you Texanjana. This is such an intense thread.

I've largely avoided this thread but have skipped around and read a few responses now. So many feelings, memories and anticipatory anxiety surface for me. I'll come back at some point but for now I just want to suggest reading On Being Mortal by Atul Guwande. It's eye opening.

DLM -I listened to Being Mortal on the three day drive back from having to suddenly put my mom in a nursing home. Riveting and powerful.

So many different experiences everyone has with aging parents. Ours were relatively "easy". My father died when I was in high school. My mom lived in a small senior apartment building - pretty independently. I did her shopping and took her to doctor appointments. She never complained and didn't want to be a burden. One of my brothers died before my mom and the other lived out of state and had other issues so wasn't capable of helping. Mom had congestive heart failure secondary to COPD from a lifetime of smoking and at 84 she took a significant turn for the worse and died shortly after in the hospital. I knew she didn't want anything heroic done to prolong her life and had no problem telling her doctor that when he asked.

DHs parents died in their mid-80s also. His mom was in a nursing home for 12 years after breaking her hip and suffering short term memory loss after a stroke. Though DH's father lived at home until his death, he couldn't care for her at home. She was a very upbeat person and never complained about the nursing home. DHs father visited her every day and she was friendly with everyone there. DH's father was still working part-time in his law practice until the day he died. He came home from the office, slipped on the ice and hit his head on the way into the house from the garage. He was on Coumadin and suffered a fatal brain hemorrhage. DH and I both say from time to time he went in a good way while he still had a reasonably good quality of life though it was deteriorating. He had stopped playing the piano because his hands wouldn't do what his brain was telling them. 😥

DH and I have no kids so there will be no one looking out for us though having them is no guarantee of that. Who knows what will happen to us if we live to be old and decrepit. I don't dwell on it. I remind myself of an elderly aunt who spent holidays with us - she lived to a ripe old age in a nursing home and left all of us great nieces and nephews some money. I do think fairly often about how either one of us will get along without the other. We have also acknowledged that we have a very limited number of "good" years left so we better get on with it and do what we want to do while we're still physically and mentally able to do so. So we're selling a home in MN buying one in South Carolina so we can have more pleasant winters. 🙂