For one I had to do..I went through local funeral home and they handled everything that I needed done.

Transporting a body 2.5 hours away would be more complex than transporting the ashes. Funeral homes are used to working together on that sort of thing. Or the small town funeral home should be able to arrange a cremation where she is. Ask. Hospice usually has a list( as do hospitals) with services offered. When my father-in-law died we arranged a local cremation and took the ashes ourselves to to place where they put them in an urn and stored them in a wall niche. A burial would be similar I think. Ask your friends who they have used and were they satisfied with the service provided. Good funeral homes make everything easy.

ETA: I am pleased to hear you taking this sensible approach to a certainty. A long well lived life is to be celebrated though I am sure there will be grief. We will all have to go through this.

" my ancient mother here several times. She is 105, "

Wow! Congrats to her.

dedtired, West Laurel Hill has been highly recommended by friends. We bought plots there, and our dealings with them were pleasant (well, as pleasant as these things can be!), but we thankfully haven't yet had to use their services, so I can only pass on what I've heard.

Definitely contact the funeral home you wish to use and they can probably help you with the arrangements, or at least refer you.

My mom was a member of a local cremation society and they coordinate with one funeral home in town, so we met with them and they took care of everything - we picked out the urn, and they notified us when we could come and pick it up. Her ashes were interred with my father's at the Veteran's Memorial here, and we had a graveside service.

BTW, cremation is much less costly than traditional embalming and burials, in case anyone wasn't aware.

Here's hoping your mom will be with you for awhile - 105 is impressive!

Caution about reading what I wrote as it could upset some people.

You need to talk to the funeral home where you live. They would be the ones normally that would pick your mother up. You might want to talk to her doctor about the process. My husband was in a nursing home and someone had to pronounce him as being deceased. They then had to sign documentation before the funeral home could accept him. One of the hospice nurses had the authority to do so but if they had not the doctor would have had to come and certify. Much can depend on your state laws or how closely you wish

My husband wanted to be buried in rural Iowa.

What I did was have a visitation here for any friends and family who wanted to come. It was easier for one out of town relative to fly for the visitation. The funeral home in Iowa drove down then transported him to Iowa. They did charge a fee for this. I then had a visitation in that area for other family members. Only immediate family was at the graveside.

You could perhaps take the ashes to the funeral home that owns the cemetery unless they can be taken to the grave. Most funeral homes know who to contact at the cemetery for opening and closing a grave.

Different cemetery's have different rules about interring ashes. The one he is in requires specific types of urns that have to be place inside a fault. Only ground burials are available.

Thanks. All this is very helpful. I just wasn’t sure how to coordinate this, if I needed two funeral homes or one.

I understand that many more people prefer cremation, and that makes sense to me, although some religions frown on it. The thought of embalming gives me the willies.

Bookwoman, I am going to talk to a funeral director in Ardmore. I have been to several funerals at West Laurel Hill and love their chapel and reception room, but we wont be needing those. I ’m considering it for my final resting place, so maybe we will be neighbors. My son rides his bike through there so maybe he will stop and say hello. It really is so beautiful.

Once Mom passes, I will have so many things to deal with that I am trying to do as much in advance as possible. I don’t want to be making these decisions when I am upset, or if it should happen when I am traveling.

Elmer, thanks for the congratulations. however I will say that it is not necessarily something to wish for.

I also think it's a good thing to be looking into this before you need to. As others have mentioned, funeral homes are there to deal with the logistics.

I would say you need to only deal with one, and you could call the ones you are thinking of and see how they are to work with. I don't know if cremation will change things but it's so common now I can't imagine that it changes too much. Graveside service makes sense.

My advice is to select the one that makes it easiest for you.

Thanks for that, Malfleur. Since there are so few people who would come to pay their respects, I am not sure that even a visitation is necessary, but I’ll ask about that. I hope the nearby FH can coordinate with the small town FH about burying the ashes. She wants to be near her parents but does not own a plot there, so I am not sure what they can arrange. Maybe she can go in her mother’s lap!

Again, this is all very helpful.

Salonva, the hospice nurse said the same thing. Do what’s easiest for you.

She wants to be near her parents but does not own a plot there, so I am not sure what they can arrange.

When my mother died, the cemetery was able to open the grave where my grandparents' ashes are interred and add my mother's urn. I then had a new bronze marker made with all their names. Not sure if that's something you'd want to do, but it's a possibility.

Good thought. My grandparents were not cremated and I am not sure if they are re one on top of the other or alongside. My grandfather’s body was originally in a mausoleum ( i think that’s the term):that started to disintegrate. My mom paid tomhave his casket moved near her mother. I’d like for my mother to have her own headstone. Another thing to find out about.

I wonder if you can rent a minister to say a prayer at the grave? We are not religious but my mom grew upmas a Methodist and it seems appropriate.

Hard to do, but so important to plan ahead.

I've had a lot of different experiences, some of which might be helpful for you.

Since you know what you want, investigate in "no frills" cremation services. With my mother, we did that with a local funeral home that offered the service and it was much less expensive. No way did I have the bandwidth emotionally or otherwise at the time of her death to plan anything, so I did a memorial service at home for her months later. We had her ashes shipped to our house. We did not do an urn. Eventually some of her ashes made it to FL where she wanted to be scattered and the rest we took care of here. Dad was creamated and his ashes sent to the Navy (he served in WWII) where he was buried at sea as he requested.

With my FIL, we had him cremated, and since there was no point in having a service or anything for him, we ended up sending his ashes to the cemetery and they did the burial for us. FIL's mother had bought a family plot with 4 slots...but actually each slot could accommodate 2 coffins or 4 urns, so there's room for more. DH will end up there.

DH's old maid aunt for whom we took on responsibility, was in the nursing home for years and on medicaid. As part of that, we were required to put $X in escrow with a local funeral home. We used it to purchase a casket. She was embalmed and buried at the cemetery with her mother. The funeral home took care of the transport to the cemetery which was in another state.

Forgot to mention the grave marker was redone to add my mom's name, etc. and the words 'Lives well lived' - it took a few weeks for them to complete.

Hmm, not sure what I would put on a gravestone that would cover my grandparents and my mom. Their lives were very different. I know my mon wants her first name, maiden name and last name .

My mother was also extremely close to her aunt, who is buried in the same cemetery. If ther’s no room for mom with her parents, I am sure there is room in the aunt’s plot.

Annie, thanks thanks. So many possibilities. I’d hate to have her ashes buried with no one there. I remember that my sister, who died young, had a big service attended by hundreds. Then just the family went tomthe cemetery to bury her asjes. It was kind of dumb since no one knew what to say, we just kind of stood there looking down at the box with the ashes.

Thank you all for your stories and advice. You are such good friends!

I asked the funeral home in Iowa if they would provide a priest since my husband was Catholic from birth. Most will have some type of religious person who can provide a service.

In his cemetery if the memorial stone was a double stone it meant that there were two graves side by side. You will probably need to purchase a plot for her especially since you want an individual memorial. Something to ask about is a foot marker if she can be placed above her parents. It is placed at the bottom of the plot of the parents although most that I have seen only have the children's names on them. It is an old fashion thing and was sometimes used in wartime.

Depending on what the funeral home at the cemetery tells you it is possible to have a stone placed before need with only the person's name on it. However, I found that because my husband died in January his permanent marker could not be placed until several months later. There was a temporary marker until then.

What does your mother want? Has she made her own arrangements? You might want to ask her first (btw, I haven't read the comments)....

My kids know that I do NOT want a funeral. It's a HUGE waste of money. Cremate me and throw my ashes in the mountains near the ocean. Everyone came come to the house for coffee if that's what they want.

Be sure you know what, to be blunt, is in your mother’s body before she is cremated. Metals and pacemakers can affect the cremation. Also, you might have to present documents proving that you have the right to bury your mother or her ashes in that cemetery. That surprised me when my father died.

Witty, my mom and I talked about most of the details in the past. Now she has dementia and I am so glad we had already had that conversation. I even quizzed her about her early life so I can write a decent obituary.

I hope maybe reading this thread will also help anyone else facing these decisions to make plans for loved ones or ourselves.

This all varies State by state. There are a plethera of laws about burials and moving bodies. If you want it all prepped and ready indeed call the funeral home closest to where your mom is. You give them all your wishes and they will coordinate everything from getting permission for the cemetary burial in another location to the desired minister to the cremation. That is also the most expensive way to go about this. In my State, if DH dies first I will call the Cremation association. They will collect the body do their thing and return the ashes. Once his remains are returned to me I will seek out advise from my church. The more I can eliminate the funeral home the better as far as I am concerned. As state above HE won't care and I really do not need more than the Churche's sacrements. DH will have made a vessel for our ashes. I told my kids to get a shovel and take them out near the cemetary and bury us. All that $$$$ for dead is just WACKED. They told me I wasn't going to be around and they would do what was needed. No doubt one cement vault will be purchased and both our ashes will go in it. A pipe sticking above ground where you could just open and funnel in more ashes could serve a lot of family. I am not a fan of the above ground mail boxes (Columbarium) either. I don't trust the 'forever' part of that!

Thank you, Arcy .. You always have an interesting point of view.

Husband and I have bought prepaid through National Cremations with a local Funeral Home. We don't want to burden our local child, or 3 out of state ones, with arrangements. They can have a memorial service if they want. Or not. I told local child I'd like my ashes scattered in the ocean.

I have not read all the responses, so someone may have mentioned this option. I belong to a funeral non-profit in WA called People's Memorial Assn. There are similar groups all over the country. They provide affordable end of life options and have contracts with local funeral homes. The participating homes provide specified services, arrange for retrieval of the body wherever it might be and prohibit upselling funeral services and products. They arrange cremation with a contracted funeral home for a set price. (Affordable). The absolute easiest way to deal with a death and final arrangements.

I am in WA. When my husband died unexpectedly in OR many years ago, I called the local OR group (I don't think we were members in WA at that time because we were only in our 40's). They allowed me to join posthumously for him and took care of all the arrangements for cremation for me. I joined for my mother before she died. Seamless.

Maybe check here for a group in your area: https://funerals.org/consumers/

My father recently died. He wanted to be cremated and didn't want a service so we bypassed the funeral home and dealt directly with the cremation service. They picked up the body at the hospital, provided my mother with the death certificates, took care of whatever official notifications like to the government, etc. We wrote the obit, and they published it where we specified. They made it very easy and were very compassionate and helpful. All told, it cost about $1400. Same experience with my father-in-law earlier in the year. We have already decided to go this route for ourselves. No funeral home needed. P.S. Ashes are to be scattered for both our fathers and ourselves, so no mausoleum, burial or headstone are needed, either.

Simply visit the local funeral home and start asking questions. They do this for a living and know the answers to all your questions. Just like researching any other service provider like a contractor, landscaper, or even housekeeper. But don’t sign any contracts with them or anyone else until you do all your research. You might not even end up using them after you explore all your options

My comment: you keep saying that no one will come to a service. Don’t YOU have any friends who might want to show their support for you? Do you have siblings? Do they have friends? Yes, obviously your mother’s colleagues are gone, but yours aren’t. (I assume.) You might be surprised.

Adding our recent experience (Dec 2022, Virginia), as a point of information. We pre-arranged when Dad entered hospice. There are three funeral homes in our area, we selected the one within walking distance for our convenience; it also had the most informative website. Family all agreed: simple cremation, no ceremony. The funeral director was kind and accepting of our wishes, informative of options and additional services, but no pressure to up-sale at all. Bottom line: the "direct cremation" was about $1800 as the website said, but with all the fees and misc expenses it ended up costing $3200. But we got what we wanted: a simple dignified process, Dad's ashes, 10 copies of his death certificate.

We didn't explore going directly to a crematory service -- didn't occur to us to do so --- so I don't know if that was allowable in our state or if it would have saved any money.

Littlebug - you can also be surprised - but in a sad way. :(

I had a relative die a few months ago. He was 97 and all of his contemporaries/friends are already gone.

His family had a viewing and a service, and it was very sparsely attended. I found the whole thing unbearably sad...it was mostly just a few of us standing around waiting for people to come through.

It really bothered me. I started thinking about all the people I expected to show up (he used to be a somewhat public figure in his home town) - and I realized they were all dead too. He'd been retired from his paid position for over 30 years, and out of the public service angle for at least 15 or so. The few people who did show up were mostly showing up for his family (like you said) - but again, it was so sparsely attended. Lots of money, for what purpose?

I am not judging my extended family who put this on. Maybe they felt like they needed to do this and they are content with the outcome. I'm sometimes far too practical and sometimes not influenced by social mores they way other people are so I realize other people may well have had a different reaction than I did.

But for me, my overall reaction was one of sadness and....I'm struggling to find the right words to explain it - it's almost like his life didn't matter, or no one cared that he died? I know that's not it - all of his friends and contemporaries are already deceased. But he was a genuinely good man, a caring man, he dedicated decades of his life to public service in many ways - and in the end, like 15 people (other than family) showed up when he died. It was a sad end to an amazing life, IMO.

(((Ally de))) I understand. I’m reminded of the old Beatles song, Eleanor Rigby.

While there were only a few contemporaries at the memorial service I had for Mom, I had it full of my friends and cousins who remembered her. And for those who didn't it was wonderful having them there for support. As it was so much later than her passing, it was filled with good humor and light, a celebration of her life rather than a mourning of her death.

But the lack of family and contemporaries is why we had little for my FIL or MIL. Instead we worked with my MIL (who was blind and hard of hearing) to have phone calls with those contemporaries and family that she wanted to talk to, and we sent out a note to her xmas card list notifying people who then contacted her as well. This was of course pre-zoom, so it was a way of having a memorial without burdening their elderly friends and relatives with travel...essentially none of them lived nearby.

Each situation is so unique that it has to feel and be right for you and your situation, taking into account the sensitivities of all who were close.

Philadelphia Cremation Society, lots of answers and prices on the website

https://www.cremationsocietyofphiladelphia.com/

I found it very interesting when my family buried my great aunt and uncle about 15 years ago. My g aunt and g uncle didn't have children or assets so the nieces and nephews took care of everything. They died a few years apart, but were cremated and buried together at the same time after the second spouse died. Interestingly, they were buried in a cemetery in a rural area where burial plot is free (or so I was told). I have quite a bit of family buried there in that cemetery. Family members dug the plot for the cremains and buried them. There was a graveside ceremony that was run by a family member. Music was played, I think a song or two was sung, and then people shared a memory of them. There was no religious ceremony, but there may have been a prayer. I can't remember. It was a short memorial, but meaningful.

I'm assuming the plot has to be on record someplace, but I don't know the details. The headstone was a paver with a metal engraving added. The whole thing was inexpensive as far as burials go. Every state, cemetery, etc., is different in what you are allowed to do. I wanted to throw this story out there for anyone wanting to do something less expensive, but respectful.

dedtired, this sounds similar to how we handled my mothers arrangements when we lost her at almost 95. Not wanting a middle of the night phone call asking who to call to come for her, I made some preliminary arrangements.

A trusted local funeral service gave me the name of a respected service in her area two hours away. That firm picked her up, handled the cremation and death certificates. We then took the ashes for safe keeping.

My sis had been ill all year and she's the eldest. I wanted her to be present and participating in the internment. Mom had said cremation (the one time she would discuss it with me!), no service only family, and to scatter her ashes at my dad's graveside. And I'd just told her 'of course', knowing scattering her around at our local cemetery was not going to work and her ashes would have been there about as long as it would taken one of the groundskeepers to get out their leaf blower ;)

A few months later when the time worked for my sister, we had a family gathering and placed her ashes with my dad. My sis led the service, we spoke as a family with no minister, joined in a prayer.

Her ashes are under his headstone in their urn placed in a proper liner. We added a memorial marker for her with her name, a sentiment, the dates. Lifting his headstone gave me the opportunity to have it repaired and I did that...the front of the base had a crack that ran through the flower cup....tree roots? I'm not sure. His grave had been in place since 1965.

The local cemetery had put up a tent for us (with chairs) and as it turned out, pouring down rain that day. We needed the tent. They took the order for the repair and the new memorial marker which is only slightly smaller than my fathers and got those in place.

Very little stress at either end - I found only helpful kind people in dealing with both. My SIL generously made lunch for about 15 of us and served it at her house following. She could cater, she always gets everything right where I don't ;) Other than the weather, I can't think how I might have wanted the day to go differently.

Those cremation society's are registered as funeral homes with the Secretary of State's office. The ones here have areas of visitations etc. If wanted they will provide full service funerals.

Someone above mentioned having the authority to bury someone in a plot. It does happen.

Some have said others may not find the subject matter tolerable, and they may not, but thank you from me. I want to guide my only child when the time comes.

My siblings and I have leaned on each other tremendously for Mom, and it was hard knowing my baby could (probably not!!!) be as "alone" as I am, and not have that kind of help. I think having an idea will be very helpful. This is a great thread!

My DM just passed away mid December. Mom had a sizeable estate but one thing my DF did before he died was buy an insurance policy for $10k to pay for her burial. The funeral homes want $$ before the estate is settled. We could have just signed the policy over to them for a fee if we did not have $$ to pay.

Mom was cremated, buried next to dad. We also had the cremains of my brother who had been dead 25 years buried with her. He will have a grave marker half way down on her grave.

Mom was 93 and we had a small service in a chapel at the cemetery. Her church had closed several years ago due to old age of members but several still were able to make it. We had close to 100 attend. The hospice chaplain did the service. Family was there when she was actually interred at a later date.

This was right before Christmas but we were surprised at the time it took to allow her to be cremated and then interred. Beware of this when thinking of timeframe for services

Rob, that is why I want to preplan for myself one of these days. I dont want to put the burden of decisions on my sons, who are like oil and water with each other. Atbleast Mom knew where she wants to be buried, which is more than I know about myself. I do not want to be in the cemetery where she is going. I’m glad this thread is helpful to others as it is to me.

RN, it is impressive that 100 people showed up for a funeral for someone of that age. Imwent to a neighbor’s funeral ( he was an odd duck) and I think there were ten people, half of which were coerced into going by his girlfriend. We are fortunate that we can pay the expenses in advance but I can see where funeral expenses would be a butden to many. I cannot see stretching to pay for it under those circumstances, but a lot is unavoidable. The insurance policy was a good idea. May I ask where your brothers cremains were for 25 years?

After the cremation, I would wait to have the memorial at a time convenient to the family, another benefit of cremation.

@dedtired. My sister and her daughter have larger families in law, co workers, social circles in the vicinity of where mom was buried so a large amount were from them. Throw in some cousins, other relatives, hs friends of ours, our immediate families and there you go. Close to 100.

Mom's service was a week after she died and her cremains weren't there. She died in a large metro area and it took over a week to get death certificates, etc for her to be cremated.

My brother had addiction issues and was living in Hawaii when he passed. We had him cremated there, left part of his cremains with friends, and the rest have been in a ceremonial Hawaiian cloth bag in my moms desk. He has kind of been the running joke the past 25 years as to where he was. We feel he would approve of this decision to bury him with our parents.

RN, one timemimwent on a trip to Spain. One woman on the trip brought a baggie of her mother’s ashes along and sprinkled them on rose plants whereever she saw them. Her mother’s name was Rosie. I know my sons’ father has some of his ashes spread in a lake he loved but the rest were buried, although he sat around for a couple years before he was buried in a family plot.

I’d put some of Mom’s ashes in her garden but its a huge property that will likely be devloped once it’s sold and she could be dug up by a excavating machine. There are a couple dog bodies in the woods!

@dedtired, our sons will abide by the ”don’t ask don’t tell” mantra with DH’s and my ashes as well. DH wants his sprinkled on a national wildlife refuge and I want mine on what used to be my grandparents’ farm. Nobody will be the wiser. 😉

When a coworker’s husband died, the immediate family scheduled a golf outing with two back-to-back tee times. They met up at the husband’s nemesis water hazard and sprinkled his ashes there, then resumed their game. All done with their great love and sense of humour, and of course surreptitiousness.

Hahaha! I asked DH this a.m. if he knew where the deed was to the family plot and he looked at me and said, "Why? Are you planning something? Is there something you know that I don't?" I had to explain to him what triggered the conversation!

Annie, if my husband was given a deed to his plot I was never shown it. The sexton who keeps the records should know where the plot is located. However, depending on how long the plot has been in existance the sexton's records may not be complete. When my dad died the plot where my mother and brothers were buried had to be confirmed that it was where he was to go. When I asked about several blocks with no names although I knew they still had headstones I was told the records had been lost.

My mother had purchased her interment site decades ago - in her hometown, where she hadn't lived for the decades since. She had also picked out a dress to be buried in, and had shown it to me several times in the years before her final illness.

She was in a nursing home in my town, 115 miles away, with hospice. The nursing home (or hospice, I don't recall which) arranged for her remains to be picked up by a local mortuary after death was declared. I arranged the funeral with the funeral home in her hometown, that had been used by my family many times. They arranged to have the body transported to them, handled all of the paperwork (including obtaining the death certificate from my county), and placed the obit that I wrote in the local paper.

3 of my 4 siblings, my aunt and her best friend, and 2 of 5 my nieces came to the small service that we had in a parlor of the funeral home. There was no one else who knew or were friends with her (and I had no friends that I had remained in contact with) left in town. My niece's husband (they lived locally) arranged for the chaplain from his work to give a little homily and lead prayer; I found a musician to play 3-4 of her favorite hymns on guitar. Then all we went to the interment at the cemetery.

One of my SILs arranged with someone she knew to prepare and serve a casual lunch in a facility at the cemetery for us. BTW, that was the only family member who did anything - the others never even offered - to arrange or help pay for it all. Mom didn't have any insurance benefit or funds left to help pay.

ETA: I did all this really out of respect for my elderly aunt - that it pleased my sister and 2 of her daughters was nice but really not a consideration. My brothers wouldn't have minded either way, but I was glad that the oldest drove up from Tennessee - I hadn't seen him in many years, and probably never will again - I was 7 when he left home at the age of 18 and we were never close as adults.

At the time it was rather a stretch for my finances. So, I did negotiate with the funeral home about the charges; in fact, I declined their caskets and found a company that sold and delivered lovely caskets in Cincinnati at a much lower cost.

Ive mentioned this before, but mom died peacefully last February. I am so glad I talked to funeral homes in advance. One of them transported bodies about an hour away for cremation and another is a local crematory. Went with the local one. I wrote step by step instructions for the aides. First call hospice and then call me.. Hospice took it from there. They called the funeral home and they were out within an hour. We live quite close by.

The only thing that creeped me out a little was that her cremation didnt take place for a few days. I guess there is a lot of demand. Kind of like airplanes lined up for takeoff. The funeral home told me exactly when the cremation would occer if I wanted to come and sit in their chapel. No thank you.

The cemetery wanted to sell me an expensive container and sent me a link. I found the same one for half the price on Amazon. It did not require an urn vault. I got the ashes from the funeral home and they sat on her dresser for a few months until we had the ceremony.

My son spread a few of her ashes on her azaleas, then the rest went in the urn. Kind of creepy pouring them in!

No service except for family. We had a very nice catered dinner at Moms house for the entire family except one and then we took her back to be buried with her parents.

It worked out very well. My son and I went back to the cemetery this fall to see her marker and it was nice. Its a beautiful cemetery and she is with her family.

I am so happy I did advanced planning.

Whoops!! I did not notice that this was an old post, revived by someone else!!

Just a point- it’s ”interment”, not ”interNment”- “interNment” is more like being in prison than being buried.