Payton, I'm very sorry for your loss. I can relate to what you are going through. I just lost my mom on January 1st of this year. She was a young 50 years old, and suffered a horrible painful death due to Scleroderma and Pulmonary Hypertension. Basically, she couldn't breathe anymore, and her lungs and heart failed her. I just turned 23 years old a few weeks ago. Life sure does seem unfair doesn't it? We are so young to have to endure this kind of pain and emptiness. The only thing that gets me through it is having faith in God and the love of family and friends around me. No matter how alone you feel, you are NEVER completely alone. There is always someone else out there going through a similar situation as you too. Unfortunately death is a part of life that we all must learn to deal with. My mom was my best friend, and sadly I realized just how much she means to me after she was already gone. I wish I could have told her that she was the best mom in the entire world and that I am a good person because of her. I would consider myself to have been a good daughter, but there is so much more I wish I would have done. I took for granted that she would always be there for me, and that she would never dieat least not for another 20 or 30 years. God had other plans though. You and I both need to realize that no matter how much we did, we never would have felt like it was enough. I guess it's hard to repay the person who gave you life and loved you unconditionally like no one else could. This journey of grief you face has only just begun, as has mine. However, I choose to believe people when they say it will get easier. Not a day goes by that I won't think about my mom or miss her deeply, as I'm sure this is the same for you, but with time maybe we can learn to cope with their passing. I think losing one's mother is possibly the hardest thing to go through, so if we make it through this then there is nothing we can't handle. When I feel really sad sometimes, I try to remember how my mom would want me to be. She wouldn't want me to stop living my life and be depressed during the days I have left. She would want me to make her proud and be a good person, and that's what I'm going to try to do. Treasure the memories you have with your mom, and never forget how much she loved you. She knows you loved her too, and wouldn't want you to feel any guilt. One thing we can be thankful for is that our moms' arenÂt suffering any longer, and they now have the most beautiful heavenly bodies. My mom couldn't handle anymore physical pain, and I'm grateful she doesn't have to be trapped inside that failing body anymore. I selfishly want her here with me of course, but she was too good of a person to endure so much pain. Remember, someday soon we will join our moms' again, and be reunited with big hugs from them! Try to make her proud everyday, and remember it's okay to cry too. We will always miss them, but death isn't the end. It's just a temporary separation until we join them again on the other side. Take care and remember you are not alone. You will get through this and always keep your mom's memory in your heart. She may be gone, but her love for you will never die. I wish you well, Lisa

Hi Joanne, I am so sorry about the loss of your mother. I could have written your post a little more than three years ago. My mom had the same symptoms as your mom. She kept complaining about shoulder pain for months and even went for ortho surgery on her shoulder. After that she still didn't get better and her appetite was non-existent. When she was hospitalized for shortness of breath, the ER doctor ran a CT and found a mass in her lung. She was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer and passed away 3 weeks after her diagnosis. I wrote all this to tell you to be careful about your grief. I went thru a very hard time after my mother's death. I think part of the reason was the suddeness of her loss and being caught totally off guard and the guilt that I didn't realize how sick she was. My complicated grief evolved into a severe depression. I too tried to go through daily activities such as work, shopping, etc., but 6 months later I only felt more devestated and sad. I sought the help of a grief couselor who recogized the symptoms were more than just grief.You don't have to wait until you find you can't deal with it to get help. I believe a grief couselor is always helpful to guide you through a severe life trama that can result from losing a loved one. It will always be hard but you do get stronger and the joy will come back to your life. That's hard for you to believe but it will. I will keep you and your boys in my prayers. Hugs, Barbara

I don't know if you will see this, as much time has passed since you posted this, but I could have written your post word for word. My Mom died on Oct 8/08 with the exact same scenarior yours did, including her last moments. The difference is, my mom was able to tell us what she saw, and I'm hoping by letting you know, it might help you. Mom's breast cancer spread to her lungs, liver and bones. She was 47 when she died and my son was 10 months old. They were so close and it kills me that she isn't around anymore to see him (at least physically). It makes me hurt every time I think of it. I was there was she took her last breath too and am haunted by the memories of her death and the day she died. However, she was able to describe to us what she saw and that has helped me, so will maybe help you. The Tuesday morning of the day that she died, she talked all day to people that we couldn't see. At first we thought she was just out of it, but she would have moments where she would open her eyes and say clearly and with intent "I love all of you so much". But mostly she was back and forth between here and the Other Side (for lack of a better word). She was very agitated, yet talked to people in my family who had passed and I swear to you when she said my grandpa was there, you could literally feel him in the room. At one point, she said she saw Jesus at the end of her bed and was happy he was there. She said to us "You should see it, its beautiful". When it came down to the last half an hour of her life, she started to describe a path that she was going down. It was treed and beautiful and at the end of it was a house. She kept saying that she wanted to go in but couldn't find a way in. We told her to look for a door and then about a minute before she died, she said "Ok, you can let me go, I'm in now". Those were the last words she said. At that point, her breathing became very rattled and she focused her eyes up and to the right corner of the room. She took a few more breaths and then cried one single tear and then stopped breathing. For me, it was a horrible, yet amazing experience. I still get very upset over the physical experiences her body went through, but I know in my heart that she felt barely any of that pain as she was mostly with God on the Other side. I am only 25 and miss my mom so much that it physically hurts sometimes. I have been having a hard time with it lately, but then last week, I got an email from my mom's best friend who said that she had a dream about my mom. She said she was younger (about 30) and just beautiful. She said she was at my mom's house (which made me so happy because that is where she said she was going when she died) and that it was beautiful She said there were rocks and trees and gardens everywhere and the house was modest an cozy. My mom showed her around her house but there was one dark room and her friend said "But that room is dark and I can't see anything" and she said "yes, that room is for my daughter, she is in the dark a lot right now but will be bright again very soon". I'm assuming this meant the fact that I have been really depressed lately and that I will start feeling better soon. It was really great to know she was OK and that she still knows me and loves me like she did before. I'm sorry this has been so long but I thought it might help you as we seem to have had almost identical experiences. I hope you can find comfort in my story and know that your mom is OK and still loves you from wherever she is, please don't feel left out, some people are just more open to visits from their loved ones and sometimes we are too clouded by pain and grief to open up. Take care and try to be happy. :)

Instead of intubating my mother on Thursday, we asked the doctors to give her something to at a least help her calm down...they administered a morphine drip...she passed away on Friday morning at 11:30 am. (throughout my mother's numerous hospitalizations, I called the hospital nurses' station to ask about her progress because I was normally caring for her at home; my body clock automatically had me up at specific hours throughtout the night because i would be checking on my mom's oxygen levels, or making sure that she ate to prevent nausea.