I recently lost my husband & understand the grief that you are experiencing. I urge you to see your Doctor very soon. These feelings are very real but it can affect you physically as well. Please do not try to tough it out, there is help to get you through this. God bless you & I hope that you & your family can find some peace & comfort soon.

I am sorry to hear your husband passed away. My condolences

Cherry fizz I am so sorry about the loss of your brother.

I agree don't go the grief part alone. Have somebody professional helping you.

Your family is so lucky to have you and you are so lucky to have Paul sending messages to you. Though I'm not sure that giving you spiders is not just a little bit of a practical joke... I guess a sense of humor is a good thing to have no matter what. Even if it's kind of heebie-jeebie evoking. I'm so glad you had wonderful memories of laughter with him. Those happy memories are what hold us together after such a loss.

Please share with us if you wish. We are here for you. Big hugs to you and your family.

GirlnamedGale I too am sorry for the loss of your husband. Hugs to you and your family and all the best.

It may be a trauma response. Its such an horrible shock to lose someone like that. My heart goes out to you and I hope you can work through it. Professional grief counseling may be a big help to you. Its worth a try.

I would encourage you to see a doctor as well to be sure but when you talk to them do not tell them about your loss. As a woman they are already more likely to dismiss your symptoms as a panic attack without digging deeper into your physical health. Rule out physical problems first. Such emotional trauma can negatively affect your physical health as well.

Take good care of yourself and please keep us updated.

Cherryfizz I am so sorry, my condolences on your loss of your brother.

I often wonder when we face our mortality how it affects those with no faith. I don't know what your faith life is or tells you. When we have missed the truth of this life being a beginning and not THE END I think a human response would be panic. Even with a faith when we get close to death, I think this belief in life after death is tested. The concept of GONE , of a loved one no longer with us to see and talk to, and then our thinking about that being us just gone--when we really sit quietly and get our self to that reality--ya a panic can build. The only fix I know of is prayer. Is talking to the one whom you are going to soon. Life is a passage to eternity and if that isn't held onto then ya this life is pretty purposeless. Not the same thing but similar feelings. I recall vividly when my brother when to Europe to go to college. His just being AWAY seems sooo wrong. Family means together. Odd panic, grief given my dad spent much time over seas and we were state side during Vietnam. Fact is most who post here are close to the end and ya it's time to explore what that means. Many leave this world fighting because they know not what is coming. Many leave peacefully knowing to whom they are returning.

So sorry for your loss.Grief can lead to ifferent emotional, spiritual and even physical reaction. However, know that in time you will heal. Funeral homes often jave counsellors available to talk with. Try to see your dr. as well.

Dear Cherry Fizz, your post brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. Five years ago after a four-year struggle with cancer my husband passed away. Even though I have a sustaining faith and come from folks who consider themselves to have a stiff upper lip, I was not ready to be a widow. Some nights I felt as if I were having a heart attack and thought I was going to die. My doctor decided I was having panic attacks and gave me a very mild anti-anxiety medication for a couple of months which helped me over the crushing sorrow. Please seek help. Sending best wishes to you.

I'm so sorry about your brother. I'm sitting here in tears reading your post. I lost my Dad a little over two years ago, and it's been very traumatic for me. I can't get over it because he was my person. I've always had anxiety and panic attacks in my adulthood, and losing my Dad has made my anxiety so much worse than it was before. I don't really have any advice because I don't take medication for my anxiety. So I'm taking things day by day. I hope you'll find some peace, I know it's hard though. I had no idea grief could cause such fear and anxiety.

Cherryfizz, I'm so sorry for all your losses. Even though you grasp the root cause of your current symptoms, medications exist which will help you deal with these very real physical effects of stress and grief. Please note sweet_betsy's experience -- she told her doctor her symptoms and received help. Prayer and/or meditation, yes -- but medical doctor also.

Please know we are all feeling for you.

I'm so sorry for your loss and suffering. Those end of life decisions are the hardest ever.

My Mom suffered "panic attacks" after she'd lost both my brother and father to suicide. She'd not had them before. She decided to go for massage therapy and it really helped her a lot. There's something so healing in human touch.

I've found my grief easier to deal with with meditation. On Meditation Oasis, there's a podcast specifically for grief that was very helpful for me.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I am sending you and your family thoughts of solace, comfort, strength and courage as you to through this most difficult time.

I am so sorry for your loss Cherryfizz. Please check in with your doctor about your physical symptoms. Do it for yourself and your family.

Cherryfizz, I'm so sorry to read this. I'm assuming he was in London Health Sciences, which truly is a top-notch hospital. It's a teaching hospital. Mom was sent there by ambulance, where she eventually passed.

I didn't have panic or anxiety attacks, but I was certainly grieving when I lost Tom. I had a few friends around me, one was way too much....calling numerous times/day etc.

I did go to grief counseling that the hospice offers. A group session, I went a few times, but it didn't do anything that just talking to my friends if I wanted.

But I wasn't sleeping. I went to the doctor with Tom's vitamins/supplements to see if they're something I should be taking. We talked and I told her I wasn't sleeping. She gave me anti-depressant meds, saying that I'm not depressed, just that one of the side effects is that they make you tired. To start out with half and take a whole pill if I needed. I took them for a while. I still have trouble sleeping a full night, but that's not unusual for a lot of people.

Im so very sorry for the loss of your loved ones. The NYT recently published an article on The Anatomy of A Panic Attack. I cant seem to link to it but if you can find it, its very interesting and helps you to understand why it happens and how to manage it. I only had one panic attack many years ago, not due to grief but on a vacation that was getting stressful, too complicated to go onto here.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I also watch Tyler Henry, he's AMAZING! Watching Tyler we know our loved ones are at peace after passing. They are in a good place. It's comforting to know this.

I think I found the article dedtired.

https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2022/11/10/well/mind/panic-attack-symptoms-causes.html

I've suffered from panic attacks since I was 19. They're not fun. I think living alone makes me more vulnerable too.

I'm sorry for your loss. It's never easy and I still go through times when something will trigger a bad memory, especially with the loss of each of my parents.

Big hugs from Florida.

I’m sorry for your loss, Cherryfizz. I’m wishing you the best.

I read the entire OP and started to read replies, then skipped down to comment.

Heartbreak is real. I recall that feeling of pain in the core of my chest after my mother passed rather suddenly in a traumatic way as well. I still feel it sometimes, a year on.

We were with her at the end and while she was still conscious, I held the phone to her ear so far away family could tell her they loved her, etc., and played her favorite song for her. Spending those final hours, usually sleep and food deprived, and filled with anxiety, takes a physical toll, which will also affect one's psyche.

I do believe there is an element of PTSD involved. Reaching out to loved ones to share your common grief, IMO, is helpful for everybody to be able to express their love and sense of loss.

Hugs are very therapeutic as well. The more the better.

I love this poem - perhaps it will be helpful:

Do not stand
By my grave, and weep.
I am not there,
I do not sleep-
I am the thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond glints in snow
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle, autumn rain.
As you awake with morning’s hush,
I am the swift up-flinging rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight,
I am the day transcending soft night.
Do not stand
By my grave, and cry-
I am not there.
I did not die.

https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/do-not-stand-by-my-grave-and-weep-by-clare-harner

My heart is just breaking for you. I am so sorry you had to go through that.

I don't know if this helps at all, but where you are at right now sounds "normal" (or expected) to me. It makes sense you would be struggling because the loss of a loved one is a wicked thing to bear.

Sometimes it is hard when one is in the middle of a crisis like this to have enough insight to know what would help....if anything would help. Sometimes people do turn to medication (anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medication), and that's fine.

Other people are ok allowing themselves to feel what they feel, and accept that it's going to suck for awhile.

There is no way to go through what you just went through, and lose a loved family member, and not be impacted. Please don't let yourself suffer unnecessarily though, and please do ask for help if you think you need it.

I'm so sorry for what you're dealing with in the death of your beloved brother. I think what you're experiencing is just grief. Very profound and to be expected. Counseling may help and medications too but time is the healer. I experienced one panic attack in my life almost out of nowhere and in my non-clinical opinion, this isn't what you're experiencing. I wish you well and peace.

My sincere sympathies to you Cherryfizz. I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother. That's a lot to process. And you are worried about your niece too. I think you are having a normal reaction that is coming out in this manner. You've received good advise here. All I can add is that I agree with seeing your dr just to check everything out and hoping some medication can help you through this time. Time in takes us to a better place with our grieving. But this part of the journey hurts. ((Gentle hugs))

I am so sorry for this. It really does sound like what we call panic attacks. A doctor can help or perhaps a therapist. You might have some unresolved issues with having made the decision you made. It is such a responsibility to do that and assurances you did the right thing never go amiss. You so very obviously loved and love your brother. I agree heartbreak is real because that is what it feels like. Time does help. I wish you the best in this journey.

(((((Anne))))

Grief is a complicated thing sometimes; especially when you have to make (or recommend, as in your case) a life or death decision there is a turmoil of emotions - even if you aren't aware of all of them on the surface.

Do get checked out by your MD since the strong emotions might be putting some untoward physical strain on you. Then also do seek out a grief counselor or support group.

I pray that you will be able to feel some peace and comfort before long.

Sorry I forgot to address the OP question

FWIW, I've had a couple of panic/anxiety attacks and they felt like my heart was pounding out of my chest, like I was going to keel over any second. The first time I went to the ER and went through tests of my heart, which turned out to be fine. Now I can recognize when my anxiety is rising and have learned how to better cope with it.

There are a number of self-calming exercises one can do. During the pandemic, I had a good experience with Dr. Jud Brewer's videos on YouTube and free phone app Unwinding Anxiety, and it looks like he now has a podcast too, and there are many others. One thing he said that stuck with me was if there's nobody around to hug, you can hug yourself, or a pillow, and it's actually calming.

Cherryfizz, Im sorry for your loss. You might want to do a check with your doctor just so you have one less thing on your mind. If it is anxiety there is help. With all the emotions that can't be controlled in this situation if you can feel less anxiety or panic the better for you. Take care of yourself.

Thank you everyone for your kind advice and condolences. Sending my condolences out to those of you have lost loved ones and friends.

I am kind of thinking it wasn't a panic attack because I remember when my sister and my friend used to have them and they kind of went out of control during the situation. It also isn't my heart because I have recently had my yearly check ups and heart ultrasound with the cardiologist and my heart is ok. It must be grief but my feelings are different this time losing Paul even though I was extremely close to my sisters, they were suffering from terminal cancer and were expecting to die. Paul's death was so unexpected for him and shocking for me. I have handled grief pretty well over the years but as I told my niece and warned her sometimes it gets worse as time moves on. I do find meditation and reading passages in a small book I have about grieving to be helpful during those times.

I don't know if it is anxiety either, I have family members who experience it quite often to the point they just hide away. Same for depression. I don't know how I lucked out but I have never felt depression or experienced it. I am always upbeat and always find joy in something every day. I learned finding the joy in something every day while caring for my Mom because it was pretty tough all those years ago. I do feel and experience grief and the sadness of losing someone but I know what it is I am experiencing and then it goes away.

When I think of Paul and how I was told how chatty he was on the drive to London, happy to be having this surgery done so he could get back out doing the thing he loved it just breaks my heart and that is when I get that feeling and tightness in my chest. He didn't know he would never come back home. I am trying not to think this way because that is when his death hurts me the most.

I start thinking of all the things I will miss about him and the surprises he would do. I remember the time I came home and their was a huge wrapped box near the Christmas tree. He always wrapped the girl's gifts from Santa here so I assumed that was one of the gifts. I did look at the box wondering about it, felt how heavy it was and it couldn't be picked up. I remember telling the KT about this gift that appeared and posted the picture of the wrapped box and you all were guessing what it might be and many of you were right. I went out with Paul the next day and he asked me if I opened the box and I said no, how would I know it was for me. He asked if I peeked and I said no but the people at the KT were guessing as to what it was. When we got home he told me to open it, before Christmas. It was a Kitchen Aid Stand Mixer. He said it was to help me bake the huge batches of cookies I used to make and give away at Christmas. I was so shocked at his surprise and at the KTers guessing correctly as to what was in the box. Many Christmas Eve's, late at night he would call and say check the porch or if I was out and came home after midnight there would be something on the porch. He would leave big filled Christmas stockings hanging from the porch railings for me and my sister. Last Christmas he did it again. He would pick out the best stocking stuffers. One year the stocking was huge about 5 feet long. Many times in the morning or afternoon I would look out the window to see a large cup of coffee on the curb in front of the house. Instead of getting out of the car to put it on the porch or bring it into the house because of his bad knee he would open the car door and leave it on the curb. If I didn't see it, he eventually would call to see if I got the coffee. He was like my Dad because my Dad like surprising people too. I am going to miss those little surprises.

A few years after our Mom and Dad split up and my Mom left us I didn't want to be chief cook and bottle washer, cooking dinners for my Dad, making sure Paul got up for school I moved away, eventually my Dad moved elsewhere and Paul had the house to himself although my Mom and Dad came by weekly. Since Paul died Paul's friends are talking about the greatest party ever held in Riverside. Paul and his friends had a beach party in the winter in our house. They brought truck loads of sand into the house, hung big stuffed fish and nets on the walls. I had concerned neighbours calling me in Calgary where I had moved to. One neighbour even chastised Paul about the sand being brought into the house. So many people, even some high school teachers came to this party. No damage was done, everyone had a great time and 2 days later everything was cleaned up. Paul was so lucky my Dad didn't happen to drop in or my Mom. Years later when we told my Mom about the party she didn't believe it until we showed her the pictures. haha my Dad would have lost control if he had seen that. But everyone is remembering Paul's beach party.

I hardly saw Paul during the pandemic, I wasn't letting anyone into my house and he was being careful because of Laura but I talked to him online everyday. I took all his phone calls from his Doctors, and his appointments and then relayed them on to him. So I sometimes think he is still just going about his business and is not dead but I really know he is.

I had 4 living brothers, 3 older and 1 younger. My sisters were 16 and 10 years older than me. The 2 oldest brothers were nice to me, my next oldest brother who was 6 years older and Paul tortured me haha. I got blamed for everything because Paul was too young and the other brother was too old but it was always them. I don't know how I survived. There were times during my teenage years I would have easily killed Paul if I could. During those days of the month I would have to lock myself in my bedroom and read so I wouldn't kill him haha. We had some good fights and my Dad said most of the time Paul got what he deserved if I hit him where it hurt. Funny when you grow up all that goes away and you start liking each other. This one picture I will post shows me standing on the porch looking upset, I was playing outside on the porch with my dolls and then the brothers start in, most likely teasing me or taking my dolls. You can see Paul's shadow off to the side mimicking me crying.

I have lots of memories with Paul that I will cherish, and can share with his daughter. Also how stubborn and annoying he could be.

Talking about him here has helped, the only time I seem to feel that chest tightness is when I think he didn't know what was going to happen. My mental health is fine and the grief just has to be experienced and the feelings that go with it but then you have to good memories to take away from the sad feelings. Thanks again for listening.

This is one of Paul's photos that I will treasure.

((((Anne))))

ole joyful

Cherryfizz, I can totally relate as I lost my husband of 21 years, in May. He was only 67.

He had several chronic health issues including stage 4 kidney disease. However he collapsed at home and was diagnosed with pneumonia. He was in hospital for 5 weeks but his kidneys failed and it was all to much for his frail body.

I "crashed" the end of September. Overwhelming fatigue, tension on my back, neck and head...which in turn gave me anxiety!! Dull headaches from the tension. My stomach upset. Legs were weak. Dizziness.

I felt like I had the flu. IT WAS NOT THE FLU!!! OR COVID.

Look up grief fatigue. Took about 3 weeks and I still have "off" days. Luckily I am not working as I gave that up to take care of him, as in the last year he had had a minor stroke and the kidney disease had progressed too leaving him very weak.

You are lucky to have family to lean on. I/we? have no family apart from my 2 siblings back in the UK and even friends are scattered and not local.

Your grief is new and sudden but you have wonderful memories.

Many hugs, Bev

I find dizziness to be one of my main symptoms, ever since I found out and realized my Dad was going to pass away and not recover. The dizziness has not gone away in over 2 years. I'm also dealing with this alone since I have no other family that I can reach out to. So yes, family support makes a huge difference, I'm sure.

Earlier today, I swear I posted a reply but apparently it did not "take".

Anyway, I wanted to express how sorry I am to read what you are experiencing and to read that so many are as well.

There are so many varied suggestions which tells me that this is not a one size fits all or that there is one way to resolution. I think you have to try a few or more and see what agrees with you. You expressed your thoughts and emotions so thoroughly and well thought out and I am sure that will help you.

Bottom line, I do think it makes sense to reach out to a doctor or therapist at this point. I really hope you can feel more in control and feel better.

Virtual hugs and wishes for strength and support.

@Cherryfizz - My deepest sympathy on the loss of your brother.

My daughter has recently been experiencing panic attacks, at least partially related to grief. Her best friend since 6th grade, she is 29, passed suddenly, then her beloved papa died and she broke her foot all within a month. She begin having panic attacks somewhat frequently. They mainly happened when going out to eat or to a social event. Anyway, she reached out to her doctor and has started seeing a therapist. She is just a month in and is already seeing some improvement. I recommend you contact your doctor to help you get the support you need through this difficult time.

Thanks. I haven't experienced that chest tightening feeling for a few days now when I thought of Paul which is good. I can't imagine living with panic attacks or anxiety that so many do. I feel for them.