Anyone here ever had a panic attack ?
9 years ago
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Comments (3)I had my first anxiety attack at age 23 while in the trans-bay tube on BART. I was reading a book, and glad when the train stopped there because I wanted to finish the chapter that I was reading. Five minutes into the delay, it "hit" me, Big Time!!!, and for no apparent reason. I couldn't breath, my heart started beating so hard and fast, there was a tingling in my mouth, I was dizzy and I felt like I was going to pass out and die. That was the first but by no means the last. After that, I started getting them all the time, in weird places, such as: elevators, planes, bridges, freeway overpasses, building higher than 6 floors. I take Klonopin now for it; however, during the initial stage I would take 5 mg. Valium, which helped immensly....See MorePanic Attack, Grief? (long)
Comments (35)Thank you everyone for your kind advice and condolences. Sending my condolences out to those of you have lost loved ones and friends. I am kind of thinking it wasn't a panic attack because I remember when my sister and my friend used to have them and they kind of went out of control during the situation. It also isn't my heart because I have recently had my yearly check ups and heart ultrasound with the cardiologist and my heart is ok. It must be grief but my feelings are different this time losing Paul even though I was extremely close to my sisters, they were suffering from terminal cancer and were expecting to die. Paul's death was so unexpected for him and shocking for me. I have handled grief pretty well over the years but as I told my niece and warned her sometimes it gets worse as time moves on. I do find meditation and reading passages in a small book I have about grieving to be helpful during those times. I don't know if it is anxiety either, I have family members who experience it quite often to the point they just hide away. Same for depression. I don't know how I lucked out but I have never felt depression or experienced it. I am always upbeat and always find joy in something every day. I learned finding the joy in something every day while caring for my Mom because it was pretty tough all those years ago. I do feel and experience grief and the sadness of losing someone but I know what it is I am experiencing and then it goes away. When I think of Paul and how I was told how chatty he was on the drive to London, happy to be having this surgery done so he could get back out doing the thing he loved it just breaks my heart and that is when I get that feeling and tightness in my chest. He didn't know he would never come back home. I am trying not to think this way because that is when his death hurts me the most. I start thinking of all the things I will miss about him and the surprises he would do. I remember the time I came home and their was a huge wrapped box near the Christmas tree. He always wrapped the girl's gifts from Santa here so I assumed that was one of the gifts. I did look at the box wondering about it, felt how heavy it was and it couldn't be picked up. I remember telling the KT about this gift that appeared and posted the picture of the wrapped box and you all were guessing what it might be and many of you were right. I went out with Paul the next day and he asked me if I opened the box and I said no, how would I know it was for me. He asked if I peeked and I said no but the people at the KT were guessing as to what it was. When we got home he told me to open it, before Christmas. It was a Kitchen Aid Stand Mixer. He said it was to help me bake the huge batches of cookies I used to make and give away at Christmas. I was so shocked at his surprise and at the KTers guessing correctly as to what was in the box. Many Christmas Eve's, late at night he would call and say check the porch or if I was out and came home after midnight there would be something on the porch. He would leave big filled Christmas stockings hanging from the porch railings for me and my sister. Last Christmas he did it again. He would pick out the best stocking stuffers. One year the stocking was huge about 5 feet long. Many times in the morning or afternoon I would look out the window to see a large cup of coffee on the curb in front of the house. Instead of getting out of the car to put it on the porch or bring it into the house because of his bad knee he would open the car door and leave it on the curb. If I didn't see it, he eventually would call to see if I got the coffee. He was like my Dad because my Dad like surprising people too. I am going to miss those little surprises. A few years after our Mom and Dad split up and my Mom left us I didn't want to be chief cook and bottle washer, cooking dinners for my Dad, making sure Paul got up for school I moved away, eventually my Dad moved elsewhere and Paul had the house to himself although my Mom and Dad came by weekly. Since Paul died Paul's friends are talking about the greatest party ever held in Riverside. Paul and his friends had a beach party in the winter in our house. They brought truck loads of sand into the house, hung big stuffed fish and nets on the walls. I had concerned neighbours calling me in Calgary where I had moved to. One neighbour even chastised Paul about the sand being brought into the house. So many people, even some high school teachers came to this party. No damage was done, everyone had a great time and 2 days later everything was cleaned up. Paul was so lucky my Dad didn't happen to drop in or my Mom. Years later when we told my Mom about the party she didn't believe it until we showed her the pictures. haha my Dad would have lost control if he had seen that. But everyone is remembering Paul's beach party. I hardly saw Paul during the pandemic, I wasn't letting anyone into my house and he was being careful because of Laura but I talked to him online everyday. I took all his phone calls from his Doctors, and his appointments and then relayed them on to him. So I sometimes think he is still just going about his business and is not dead but I really know he is. I had 4 living brothers, 3 older and 1 younger. My sisters were 16 and 10 years older than me. The 2 oldest brothers were nice to me, my next oldest brother who was 6 years older and Paul tortured me haha. I got blamed for everything because Paul was too young and the other brother was too old but it was always them. I don't know how I survived. There were times during my teenage years I would have easily killed Paul if I could. During those days of the month I would have to lock myself in my bedroom and read so I wouldn't kill him haha. We had some good fights and my Dad said most of the time Paul got what he deserved if I hit him where it hurt. Funny when you grow up all that goes away and you start liking each other. This one picture I will post shows me standing on the porch looking upset, I was playing outside on the porch with my dolls and then the brothers start in, most likely teasing me or taking my dolls. You can see Paul's shadow off to the side mimicking me crying. I have lots of memories with Paul that I will cherish, and can share with his daughter. Also how stubborn and annoying he could be. Talking about him here has helped, the only time I seem to feel that chest tightness is when I think he didn't know what was going to happen. My mental health is fine and the grief just has to be experienced and the feelings that go with it but then you have to good memories to take away from the sad feelings. Thanks again for listening. This is one of Paul's photos that I will treasure....See More- 9 years ago
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