If she can't be at the wedding ceremony then she is not the Maid of Honor. The Maid of Honor attends the wedding and acts as a witness. Those are her only mandatory duties. Bachelorette parties, brunches, etc. are not mandatory. Many would say showers are not mandatory, but where I am (New England) they basically are for the first weddings (the bride's attendants are basically expected to host some type of shower). You say "couldn't be" at the wedding...past tense. Did this wedding already take place? Bridal showers occur before weddings, not after. So, to answer the question. She has no responsibilities. Her only mandatory responsibility was to attend the ceremony.

If everyone will already be there, I would invite them all. I am part of a community that always invites all out of towners to the rehearsal dinner (or whatever the "night before" party is called) anyway, and I know that that is not true in every community. But for a destination wedding? These guests have spent a lot of money and possibly used a good chunk of their vacation time to come to your wedding. To me, anyone who cares about you enough to do that is close enough to be the "inner circle" invited to the rehearsal dinner. It's not like they can stay home. What are they supposed to do instead? Arrange and pay for a restaurant dinner, then spend the rest of the evening sitting in their hotel rooms while you party? If I were one of your relatives, I would be stunned not to be invited to all the parties (and I would feel embarassed, as though the hosts never really expected or wanted me to accept the invitation). I'm sorry if that sounds harsh. Obviously, you can do whatever you want. But remember, you cannot dictate how your guests will feel about it. Do you really want even one of your guests to be thinking, "They think it's okay for me to spend hundreds of dollars to come to Mexico, just so they could have a 'destination wedding,' but I'm not worth the price of supper to them?"

Well, you're never wrong to feel whatever you feel, but honestly not only do I not think that they are "screwing you over," I think the bride was extremely tactful when you raised the issue. Only people named on an invitation are invited. Period. If I am correct in understanding that you haven't received the actual invitation yet, then I think you have to apply the same principle to the save the date card. I don't like to see "adults only" on an invitation -- it is superfluous if the invitation is addressed only the adults -- and it certainly isn't required. But did the save the date card have your child's name on it, too? Did it say "The Whitney Family" or something? In that case, they are wrong not to invite her; if you send a save the date card to someone (even someone who can't read it herself!), then you must invite them. If circumstances change -- say, there has been a death, illness, or bankruptcy -- and now what was going to be a big wedding is just going to be very small, you contact everyone you asked dto save the date and apologize. But otherwise, no. But if the save the date was addressed only to you and your husband, technically you are the one who is doing the etiquette no-no, by asking if you can bring an uninvited guest. Perhaps a nursing newborn (even if a 17-month-old is still nursing, she is presumably also eating other foods and won't starve for the few hours of a wedding) or an attendant for an invalid, but otherwise no. However, I don't think it is a terrible thing to ask, provided you do it in a way that absolutely doesn't make them feel bad if they say no and that you are gracious if they do. (Not just to their faces; you don't go around criticizing them, much less telling people they screwed you over.) And that's what you did, and they politely told you no. I am with the others: I would either leave her home with a sitter (but you say that's not an option for you) or have a sitter for the wedding itself -- you could probably bring her to other more casual events of the weekend. That is what most people do. I would ask your friends to help you line up a sitter they know and trust. We did that for our out of town guests who came with little ones to our son's wedding. The bride and groom ultimately decided to have the out of town children (little cousins) at the reception, but I kept the sitter "on call" in case they got sleepy or their parents wanted a break! I'm sure the parents felt more comfortable with a sitter I knew than a stranger. I'm glad my son and daughter-in-law did it that way. But couples who choose an adults-only wedding and reception are not being rude. Not all parties are appropriate for children. If they want a formal, cocktail-y atmosphere, which let's face it isn't exactly enhanced by the presence of toddlers, that's their privilege. And certainly if they have told others that they cannot bring their children, obviously they can't tell you otherwise. I'm sorry if this isn't what you want to hear. You didn't do anything wrong, so long as you don't badmouth your friends. And perhaps it will help you to feel better about your friends if you realize that they weren't being rude to you after all.

the rest of us only care so much about your wedding. I mean, we're happy for you and all, but your wedding isn't THAT big a deal to us. We can't stay excited about it for months and months. We aren't going to worship at the altar of someone else's wedding. We can stay excited for a few weeks, while your marriage is still pretty new. But if we've seen very much of you in the meantime, why are we suddenly celebrating w/ a party now? I think you are right about people being in "wedding mode." Having a party in the summer to celebrate your wedding SIX MONTHS AGO OR MORE! would be total anticlimax. I'd be thinking, "Enough already!" I say, the reception should be within a month or the wedding itself. Maybe 6 weeks, at the MOST. If you're going to put it off for much longer, then just don't bother. In fact, I think it's important to have the reception BEFORE people have sent you Christmas cards as a married couple, and before you've sent them out in your new married status. Stick to your guns.