Intrestingly, I was reading the big Emily Post's Etiquette (15th edition, which is a few years old now; she's up to the 17th), and it said: "All the members of the bridal party (with the exception of ver young flower girls, pages, or ring bearers), the immediate famliies of the bride and groom, and out-of-town relatives who have arrived for the wedding are invited." Not "sometimes invited"; "are invited." In my two areas (small-town midwest, and big-city NYC), that doesn't happen. She goes on: "if facilities and finances permit, a few very close friends are often included, especially whose who come from a distance." (but then, they'd be "out of town guests," no? I sense some inconsistency) "If the clergyman is a prsonal friend, or comes from out of town, he and his wife should also be invited. "Husbands, wives, fiances, and live-in companions of the attendants go to the rehearsal dinner, but "dates" ar enot included." There are seating diagrams, etc--she treats it much like a big wedding. And though she says 'music and dancing are not at all essential.." she also says "Other[s] [rehearsal dinners] are far more elaborate. A strolling violinist or accordionist may play romantic background music, or there may be a full orchestra and after-dinner dancing." That seems way overboard to me! and, int he section on menu: "when the wedding is large and formal, the style of the rehearsal dinner is too, and the meal compares to that of any formal dinner. However such an elaborate and expensive menu is in no way necessary. If the wedding is informal and nontraditional, the menu should be also." I really disagree w/ the implication that the rehearsal dinner *should* be formal if the wedding is. A contrast in tone is kind of nice. And all this sort of implies a fanciness and a scale that I think is too likely to compete w/ the rehearsal dinner. But I think for our OP, the fact that the hostess is worried about it being too big and too expensive, that recruiting someone else to organize outings, etc., is a better idea.

Thanks so much for all the responses! Here's my specific situation: I'm the bride-to-be. Fiance and I live on west coast, immediate family lives on east coast, extended family lives all over the country. In a perfect world, we would have a ceremony immediately followed by a reception with all of our close friends and relatives. The logistics of distance, young children, elderly parents, expense of travel, etc, are going to make this nearly impossible, so we've decided on what's really important to us. Fiance and I are thinking of a very small ceremony on the east coast with my parents, his mother, and our brothers, sisters and children. Maybe 20 people at the most. To us, these are the people we most want to share this occasion with, and it's more practical to have the ceremony take place where everyone else lives than to expect everyone to travel out west to our home. Then within a month or so of the wedding, when we're back home, we'd like to have a party with our close circle of friends, simply to mark the occasion and share our happiness with them. We wouldn't expect our east coast parents, brothers or sisters to attend, although they'd certainly be welcome to. I like the rituals of the reception (toast, dinner, dancing, cake, etc) but feel a little awkward having all the rituals at the west coast party without having had the actual wedding ceremony there. But a big party at our home sounds like fun, with perhaps the only wedding ritual a formal wedding cake baked by a friend who's an expert pastry chef. And perhaps some toasts by friends who have been asked ahead of time. In our case my soon-to-be-hubby & I would be hosting the west coast party. No family (except my teenage sons) would likely be attending, although all east coast relatives would certainly be invited. So it sounds like just throwing a regular party, with the general knowledge that we'd just gotten married, is the way to go. On the one hand I like the idea of having the party invitations omit references to the recent marriage because my preference is for no gifts. On the other hand, I feel it's awkward to throw a big party and include some of the reception rituals (well, the gorgeous cake anyway) without letting people know ahead of time that we're celebrating our wedding. A related question: since the wedding will be very small and won't include extended family, and since the extended family won't be invited to the west coast party (they don't live nearby), is it proper to send out wedding announcements to extended family? Alternatively, is it proper to not send out announcements to anyone not at the ceremony or the party, and assume that extended family will hear of our wedding by word of mouth, annual Christmas letters, etc?

There are often receptions or parties after the wedding. But I have never seen anyone wearing a bridal gown at one just so those who weren't at the wedding could see it. I'm assuming you are talking about a traditional wedding gown. But it was a small ceremony; perhaps you wore a terrific "regular" dress? If so, I absolutely would go ahead and wear it again for the party. That you wore it for your wedding doesn't mean it needs to be enshrined forever! If it's a traditional gown and veil -- well, you know your group, and we don't. So I don't know if they really are all that worked up about seeing you wearing a wedding gown, or if they will be thinking it seems a bit silly, or some of each. In any case, I assume all these people love you, so I don't think you have a problem with anyone permanently thinking anything bad. If you have your heart set on wearing your gown again, who is it hurting? I think the bigger issue is how YOU will feel. The fact that you are asking here makes me suspect that you feel uneasy about it, and if you plan to wear it, you will be second-guessing yourself from now until the party and all through the party, worried that you will feel foolish, which will reduce your own pleasure. If you wear a terrific regular outfit, you will for sure feel confident. Believe me, you will still be The Bride! Maybe wear some flowers, too. Best wishes on your marriage, and have fun at your party whatever you decide to wear.

First of all ~ Congratulations on your up coming wedding! This is the only time (usually) in your life when this event is truly about you and your fiance - PLEASE, enjoy your ride!! It's only the first time once!! I too am having a destination wedding so I can totally understand your concerns with trying to acommodate everyone. I must warn you, when asking for opinions on this forum, you may not always like what you hear! I joined another forum - bestdestinationweddings.com - because they were more understanding and a lot more positive than many on this forum because everyone there IS having a destination wedding and can appreciate it! With that being said, we too had to invite a lot of people. Actually, what is now happening is that people I didn't think to invite are coming out of the woodwork and want to attend and that is awesome! What I did was a form letter on parchment paper and envelopes. I did a little "Save the date for the wedding of..." on the top third of the letter. On the rest of the letter I put "it is with much excitement and anticipation that we extend this invitation to you and your family. On (date) we will be exchanging vows at/on (the love boat - wherever). I did a short blurb of where and when it would be, a short blurb about which travel agency was handling reservations and gave a contact name and number there, a little short blurb about the hotel and 7 & 4 day all inclusive prices, two sentences about passports, one sentence about our wedding website and a closing sentence that said something like we hope you can make it, let us be the excuse you finally take a much needed vacation, etc. ~ and of course we signed the letters! I did attach a copy of the hotel's fact sheet and a color picture of the hotel (I took it off of the website - it had a PDF fact sheet) Based on the feedback, the attachment REALLY was a nice thing to do and by including the prices it gave a lot of people a dollar amount to associate what they were getting for their money. It wasn't a sales pitch, it just gave people an idea of what it would cost. Our wedding isn't until next November, but I sent the information out last month. For most working class folks with kids, we have to plan our finances accordingly and took that into consideration when sending out the letters so far in advance. Good luck and don't let the negative posts on this forum get you down.