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nekotish

Just a bit gobsmacked...

nekotish
last month

DH and I were camping with friends out of cel range for a week and got home yesterday to an email from our nephew from Ontario, who was uspposed to be arriving on July 1st to stay for a few days. The email said "hey, we ended up leaving a couple of days early, so we will be there tomorrow. Who does that??? One thing if he was 18, but he is in his mid-30's! My mind is just blown, but I will do my best to be gracious and welcoming.

Comments (60)

  • eld6161
    last month
    last modified: last month

    ^^^Yes^^^^ the first day doesn't have to be the wow.

    A few years back when DN and family came to visit from California and was arriving late, I set up a cold cut spread with one homemade broccoli salad. I had plenty of other nights to prepare complete dinners.

    DLM, one summer youngest was packing up to head back back from college. I was curious about how she was packing. Garbage bags. She threw it all in garbage bags. Done.

    I realized then how I tend over agonize over things that could be so simple.

    This is not an excuse for Nekotish’s nephew. When he didn't get a reply, he certainly should have followed up. In a perfect world he should have asked if it was okay.

    Again, I am willing to bet that if Nekotish did the same to her DN, he would be fine with last minute chances.

  • nekotish
    Original Author
    last month

    We did extend the invitation and he knows that we are retired so maybe in his mind we are just sitting around whittling and knitting. I have to put some of the blame on DH, as he was the one in communication and did not glean a lot of information. He gave me a date of arrival and I took that as gospel. Anyway, I have adopted the attitude that we are home, we will welcome you and this is what we have to offer you to eat. I panicked a bit at first but our home is always tidy and clean, I have a nice guest room for them to stay in and we will be gracious hosts. For all I know they are only here for a night or two. I'll just roll with it and if they don't like their accomodations or menu selection, then off they can go. Thank you all for letting me vent!

    By the way, the casserole I found looks good and I am looking forward to it. https://www.mealswithmaggie.com/easy-greek-chicken-casserole/

    Strawberries are in season here so I'm making pita and tzatziki and a strawberry spinach salad to go with. It's all good.

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  • carolb_w_fl_coastal_9b
    last month

    I'm curious when the email was sent? How much notice did he try to give you?

    And was he aware you were away and incommunicado?

  • nickel_kg
    last month
    last modified: last month

    The casserole does look good and I hope y'all have an enjoyable visit. Good of you to roll with the punches. But maybe let your DH know you were caught a bit off guard....

  • amylou321
    last month
    last modified: last month

    That was rude.

    Of course, I hate having people stay in my house.

    I also hate staying in others people's houses.

    So the decision to come early seems extra intrusive to me.


    Eld, when I moved out of my parents house,I put all my stuff in trash bags too. So much easier and cheaper.....and you can reuse them for actual trash!

  • lisaam
    last month

    maybe they will offer to take you out?

    when we used to land at my MIL house after 14 hours including 45 min ferry, a glass of wine and clam chowder fron the fish market always hit the spot. emphasis on the glass of wine to soften the travel edge.

  • Zalco/bring back Sophie!
    last month

    Yikes, I get being annoyed. That said, if I were relying on my husband for such information, well, it could be much worse. He does not seem to get the pauses, question marks and such. Everything is pretty straightforward, which is one of the things I love about him, but not so much if he is the intermediary.

    Your attitude is what is warranted as far as entertaining guests goes. I have not hosted people at my house in eons. I used to send them to a hotel, on my tab, because my house was too small. Now my house is large, but they still get sent to the hotel. I am sure my thinking will change as my sons move out and come back with their wives, but that is not the same at all to me.

    As for millennials thinking their attitude should prevail, well then, perhaps stay with your fellow laid back millenials.

  • just_terrilynn
    last month
    last modified: last month

    Amylou I’m with you! Of cource my grown sons will always be welcome but I think people should just get hotel rooms. I don’t feel we all need to sleep together. When I move to the other coast I might do a one night thing with a bunch of childhood friends though. I think my family mostly ruined it for everyones future of staying with me. It just makes me exahasted to think of it.

  • JustDoIt
    last month

    As a single person working long hours I find it difficult to clean the house, shop, prepare food for guests, etc.

    Everybody knows not to change your schedule at the last minute with me. No drop-ins allowed.

  • palimpsest
    last month

    All I would say is "well we aren't quite ready because you came early" and if that meant the sheets were folded on the end of the bed and the meal was nothing special, I don't think any of my close relatives would care that much. They would get that they were showing up early and that's why.

  • pricklypearcactus
    last month

    I find that a bit rude and I would be annoyed. I am curious how much notice he thought he was giving you since he emailed and you were off the grid. It would have been polite to at least inquire if an earlier arrival time would work rather than just informing you since he is a guest. I do think some people are less concerned about preparing for guests and view it as "no big deal". Maybe he's one of them and simply does not understand the effort you would have put into preparing for him.


    I recently had a similar experience. MIL and SIL and niece were coming into town for a concert, but we didn't know exactly what day (a Wednesday or Thursday). I had asked husband if they were staying with us and he did not know. Next thing I know, I have 1 hour notice until they arrive and they were planning to stay with us! Apparently they had let my husband know they'd be staying here but he was distracted, thought he told me, but had not. He didn't know which day and we both found out just before they were arriving. The house was mostly clean, but not prepared for guests since we haven't had any in a while. I needed to refresh linens that had been in the closet too long and we really had no food for guests. I was really frustrated. But we just made do and went out to eat. Needless to say we did not have my MIL's preferred drinks and we ended up going out to eat for a few meals.

  • HU-629454853
    last month

    I am an old country girl. Houses were often several miles apart. Folks would hook up the mules and the wagon, or even walk to visit friends or relatives. No notification . Back then we welcomed company. We children hated to see them leave whether they had brought children or not. I remember the guests pitched right in helping in the kitchen. People talked non stop. My early marriage days were like that except most families had begun to have a car or truck. They just drove up and honked and the pack of dogs barked and also seemed happy to greet them. Now in my golden years, I do not want anyone to just drop in. I do not want to alter my schedule in any way to cater to anyone.

  • schoolhouse_gwagain
    last month

    bpath, that sounds like the postcard I found in my house. It was from my Dad's cousin to his Uncle (my great uncle whose house I live in). It simply says, "Uncle George, I will be up on the bus after school". No day or time mentioned. lol

  • palimpsest
    last month

    This is off topic but I found a post card in a shop that said "Don't tell anyone I am here" (thats it), and I was going to buy it but I lost my place in the box and I couldn't find it again. :(

  • nekotish
    Original Author
    last month

    Again, thank you all so much for listening to my venting. Yes, we were off grid, but prior to that were in contact with him regularly. We have just heard from them and looks like they won't be here until past dinner time. (We eat relatively late for some people, usually between 6:30 and 7.) Told DH to tell him we will be eating at 7:00 and if they aren't here by then, there will be leftovers to heat up. I'm always prepared for company in that our guest room is always ready for the next guests and our home is always reasonably tidy and clean. I am getting more mellow about the whole thing by the hour (a glass or two of wine did help!) Anyway, they have a room with clean sheets and a well stocked fridge. My husband's family is a lot more lacsidasical than mine. (That's a nice way of saying that I think my family has better manners.) That being said they are all easy going so I'm sure that everything will be fine.

  • Jen K (7b, 8a)
    last month

    @just_terrilynn "but I think people should just get hotel rooms. I don’t feel we all need to sleep together." AMEN! my MIL and FIL ruined themselves with me, staying with us for 1.5 months, in my bed (we were in a rental with no guest room) while I slept on an inflatable mattress and old mattress on the floor.


    We're in a new home, no guest room, on purpose! My in-laws are moving to FL, from the Caribbean, I reminded my husband to emphasize the hotel is 10-min away.

    We're in a new home, no guest room, on purpose! My in-laws are moving to FL, from the Caribbean, I reminded my husband to emphasize the hotel is 10-min away.

  • pudgeder
    last month
    last modified: last month

    Wonder what would have happened if he shown up while you were still camping?

    SURPRISE!! LOL

  • 1929Spanish-GW
    last month

    I second how easy it is when you only have one bed in the house!

  • sleeperblues
    last month

    I get more irritated when it's my husband's family than mine, ha ha. Just had the situation that his sister and her husband and his friend (with early onset dementia) were fishing about an hour from our home and wanted DH to fish with them. We are very busy preparing for our daughter's wedding celebration at our house in 2 weeks, so he didn't have time to drop everything and go fishing. So what does he do? He invites them to stay overnight that night at our house!! Irritates the heck out of me. Our house is always clean, and there are plenty of bedrooms, but I absolutely hate doing bed laundry, sigh.

  • marilyn_c
    last month

    My concern would have been the same as pudgeder....what if he had shown up while you were still gone camping?


    When I was in my early 20's, one night my husband's half sister and her husband showed up on my doorstep. They lived in Florida (we were in Texas).....wanted to see how shrimping was in Texas. At the time, I was going through a very stressful time. They never called or sent a card....just showed up. In the day time, the brother-in-law went shrimping with Jody. Sister stayed with me. They were already in their late 50's, maybe early 60's. They had every health problem imaginable, so had to be on special diets. One night brother-in-law killed my "pet" spider that lived under a kitchen stool, and I flipped out. I think they left the next day....moving on to Jody's brother's house. Forever after that I was known as weird, crazy, unbalanced....whatever. I really didn't care. They were gone. I have never felt so smothered in my life. Thinking of it now, my chest still tightens.

  • Jupidupi
    last month
    last modified: last month

    When I first moved to NYC, I heard from quite a few people who wanted to visit. I get it that hotels here are very expensive. But living in a busy, crowded city, having the privacy of my little one room apartment as a quiet retreat was very important. I once had a casual friend insist that she wanted to come with her new husband, saying that they "didn't mind camping on my floor" as if that was less of an intrusion. I didn't actually turn her down. I just mentioned that I never wore clothes at home. Problem solved.

  • carolb_w_fl_coastal_9b
    last month
    last modified: last month

    FWIW, FL is in the high risk category in re: COVID right now, and that doesn't look to be changing any time soon, so health concerns are still valid.

    And I would never invite myself to stay with someone, family or not. I only go where I'm invited.

    And I make every effort to be a considerate guest too.

  • just_terrilynn
    last month
    last modified: last month

    Carol, right now I'm on the east coast. South east coast Fl always had, has high Covid numbers, I'm on the cusp of that. It doesn't seem to stop people much from coming here for vacation. Don't know why they would think that after all the traveling to get here I would welcome the extra possibilities of cooties. However, I still have an excuse as I'm in temporary lodgings till I find the right house on the other side.

  • sprtphntc7a
    last month

    i would be a little put out at first, just b/c of the surprise of it, but then i would just roll with it.

    i think it says a lot of what your nephew thinks of you: "Aunt Nekotish is really cool and i know she would be ok with it. Not an uptight b***ch. Enjoy your family, that's what its all about, have fun!!!

    nekotish thanked sprtphntc7a
  • Elmer J Fudd
    last month
    last modified: last month

    I think that conduct is extremely inconsiderate. Intolerable BS.

    If their plans changed and they thought nothing of it or how it affected others, you do the same and let your plans change too. Had I encountered that, I would have changed plans to arrive home a day later and let the freeloaders arrive in town the day before and have to figure out what to do about it.


    "Does someone have a key to your house so we can get in?"

    "No, sorry".

    Inexcusable self-centered conduct.

  • bragu_DSM 5
    last month
    last modified: last month

    tell them to pick up some milk, bread, eggs and toilet paper ... and a bag of ice

  • Elizabeth
    last month
    last modified: last month

    It was rude of them to arrive early and give you so little notice of the change in plans. I wouldn't rush to make everything perfect either. They might get delivery pizza and a clean bed but anything else would have to wait. I would tell them that I was not prepared for their visit so things will be a bit out of order for a few days. I certainly would offer no apologies.

    My sister used to pull stunts like that. One time she gave me less than 12 hours notice and told me she was staying a full 2 weeks! How exciting! I told her I wasn't prepared for a house guest and she giggled and said she liked catching people unaware to see how they really lived. I was not amused.

    The second time she pulled that stunt I told her no. I had 5 house-guests at the time and there was just no room. She was angry. She said she had already taken the time off work and it is the only vacation she gets. She said she could sleep on the couch...she didn't mind if others were here. I told her that I minded. It was too much work and I can't imagine why she didn't check with me before she took those dates off of work. First come first served. Book your room with me first. She told everyone in the family how rude I was. I laughed.

  • Jinx
    last month
    last modified: last month

    I think you’re handling it perfectly.

    I’d have felt like you — a bit put out, vent, have some wine, deep breath, then roll with it and enjoy the visit. I’ll bet they’re so looking forward to seeing you.

    My late DH’s family used to stay with us when they’d travel, so I had a lot of guests throughout the year. Everyone is gone now and I miss those times so much (even though I grumbled at times). :D

    The last few years, no guests, our friends do hotels or RVs. I want them to stay!

    Anyway, if he made a habit of doing this to you, I’d be very peeved. But it sounds like a one-off, just not thinking, I’m sure doesn’t mean to be a pain.

    Hope it’s a great visit! :)

  • carolb_w_fl_coastal_9b
    last month

    Did I miss it? I still don't know what the time stamp on that email was. If their hosts were out of communication for a week, did they know that was the case? Forgive me if that was made clear and I didn't see it.

    And as far as meeting something one considers rude with more rudeness out of spite - 2 wrongs never make a right.

  • jojoco
    last month

    I'm a little surprised at the level of animosity towards the OP's nephew and house guests in general. DH and I have an open door policy. Advance notice is nice, but if your plans change suddenly and you show up early, (or late), we're fine with it. We'll just roll with the tide and hope our guests do the same. I love being able to host family and friends, especially after two years of not doing it. Sure, the OP's nephew's actions were thoughtless, as in, he didn't give it enough thought. That's all. Several members of my family might do the same. In the big picture, BFD.


    I will hopefully look back on sudden change-of-plans visits with fondness, not resentment. Life is to short to stay angry over a rather small slight, imo. I'm guessing Nekotish will do the same.

  • carolb_w_fl_coastal_9b
    last month

    I was going to mention too, that my mom grew up in a small town with many relatives living near each other. Everyone was always welcome - expected or not - and company was always enjoyed. She loved a houseful of people having a good time together.

    I've always struggled with being that social and I'm not sure my mom understood that I'm much more of an introvert than the rest of the family.

  • Kathsgrdn
    last month

    I don't get a lot of house guests. I wish I had some. I don't want to be overwhelmed but every so often it's nice seeing people. I would be a little annoyed at an early show up but not much.

  • Elmer J Fudd
    last month

    There’s no element of two wrongs make a right here. The invite was confirmed for July 1. If you’ve invited someone to dinner Saturday night, can they show up instead Thursday night with no confirmation from the hosts for the change, simply because it works better for the invitee? Of course not and this is the same.

  • nekotish
    Original Author
    last month

    Such great insight into how people feel about guests. We don't mind houseguests at all, we have two spare rooms and a rec room that we have filled with mattresses for family reunions, etc. For one such reunion, we also pulled out and set up our 5th wheel for overflow. I think my original stress was just because we had been away and I was planning on having a couple of days at home to get organized and shop and fluff the pillows. They are here now and DN's girlfriend is a lovely British woman who almost instantly upon arrival said that she hoped they weren't putting us out by arriving early.

  • jojoco
    last month

    ^^^^^ so perfectly said, C. I hope I am half the host that you are.

  • Jen K (7b, 8a)
    last month
    last modified: last month

    @jojoco My home is my sanctuary. I don't need outsiders bringing their drama into that. Also I hate being a houseguest - it's never comfortable. I ended my hospitality streak on Dec 13, 2021 when my FIL left after 6-weeks of abusing my generosity. After 20+ years in the military where you're expected to have an open door policy, we locked it up and sighed in relief.


    I look forward to the next inquiry:

    'We'd love to visit your new house.'

    'The Hilton you'll book is 10 min away.'

  • just_terrilynn
    last month
    last modified: last month

    How does it work in normal families? When you host, when you all go out for dinner, does everyone pitch in for the check? If you are home cooking for all, does anyone offer to help clean up after? Do your guests find ways to amuse themselves or does that all fall on you? I’ve had a few that are great but mostly not. I find it all exhausting. My favorite guests take off on their own in the afternoon on some days. It gives me some alone time to regroup and do a bit of routine. After, we all decide what we want to do for dinner, go out or stay in. With my favorite guests, we all pitch in on checks. If I’m making a dinner at home I don’t want them to buy anything or help me prepare. However, I do like some help after if its been an extended stay or maybe go with me to the store and pitch in if its a long stay. . Oh, I should mention I am not a morning person either. However, I do think some people do not understand how to be a guest.

  • Elmer J Fudd
    last month

    "Such great insight into how people feel about guests."


    I'm not sure that's all that was involved and sometimes not involved at all. Everyone has schedules - young people, older people, people in between. Some people like unplanned drop in visits, others don't. Some have little or nothing planned in their schedules, others have a lot. To simply drop in expecting more than Hi and a bathroom visit is presumptuous and rude.


    Funny enough, we just bid farewell to very dear friends from abroad who stayed with us at our second house. The trip was arranged 5 months ago and involved plane reservations on both sides. Had they called and said "we're coming 3 days early", I would have responded "we can't make it because of other plans, we'll see you on the scheduled day". Not to show my displeasure but to simply state reality - tell me when you're coming, and we'll look forward to it. You stick to the commitment, and we will too.

  • Lars
    last month

    I love having house guests (if they are people that I like), and I am very flexible. I've never had many house guests and wish that I had more. I had very interesting friends visit me from Mexico and Germany when I lived in San Francisco, but that was still rare, and I was in my 20s. I never had relatives from Texas visit me in SF, but I was always welcome to visit my sister in Austin, if I wanted, but I never stayed for more than one day.

    I used to visit friends in Mexico City and Vancouver BC regularly, and I kept in contact with them by writing frequent letters. I kept copies of some of these letters, especially if they were two pages typed, and some of them are quite hilarious (to me) to read today. I always kept a loose schedule when I traveled, and my friends knew this - they always seemed extremely happy when I visited and sad to see me go. I invited lots of people to visit me, but very few have ever showed up 😢. When they did, I was very happy.

    Some people live by very tight schedules, and some people do not. Most of my friends have had the loose schedules that I have had and have been just as adaptable as I have always been. I tend to like surprises. We like to go with the flow and just have fun.

    I do have one nephew that is forbidden ever to visit, but he is a psychopath, and even my sister (his mother) does not allow him to visit. Very few of my relatives in Texas have ever visited me in California, and then only very rarely. I very much dislike having to go to Texas to visit them, but I do it grudgingly and out of obligation every so often. It's been over five years since I have seen any of my relatives, but one niece is going to visit at the end of August/beginning of September. She will fly to Palm Springs from Austin, and then we will take her with us to L.A. because she has entered a dance contest somewhere next to LAX, which is 10 minutes from our house in Westchester. It will be nice to see her (she is my only heir) but I do need to make sure that I am near Palm Springs when she arrives. We have extra rooms in Cathedral City and L.A., and she has visited us in L.A. previously.

  • Elizabeth
    last month

    Some guest are what I call B&B guests. They say that they want to visit you but very shortly I realize that they are using us and our home as a free resort. They certainly are no work as I rarely even see them. Clean linens and a breakfast and they are off on their adventures. Oddly enough, when they leave, they think we all had a nice visit together.

  • eld6161
    last month
    last modified: last month

    Elizabeth, ideally I like a combination of both. DH’s neice and family came for a visit a few years back. They had an itinerary which included a Broadway show, sighting in NYC etc.

    They also left for a few days to vusit old friends in NJ.

    I liked having the reprieve.

    My only sort of complaint was that they didn’t invite us to do anything with them. Not that I wanted to, any if thise things, but it would have been nice to be asked.

    My sister often has old co- workers trying to invite themselves to her new house 12 hours away. She tells them she is happy to meet for lunch or dinner.

    They didn't socialize there yet expected the welcome mat!

  • Jen K (7b, 8a)
    last month

    @Lars and we lived in Texas all of our friends from Europe visited because they wanted to see 'The state called Texas'. For awhile we'd take them on the tour of Austin but then we were tired of the same itinerary we gave it to them to do on their own. We'd always accompany them to dinner though ;)


    It was nice to pay them back for all their help with our travel. As we were all military, many helped us access accomodations that were their military benefit in their home countries - like the Officers Mess in Paris with a view of the Eiffel Tower or the Off Qtrs in Prague and Rome.


    They'd do the rest of the state: a dude ranch, Big Bend, the Gulf Coast and the Alamo. Those were good days of visitors.

  • Lars
    last month

    When I lived in Austin from 1985 to 1988, no one would visit me there, especially not my friends in San Francisco, which is where I moved to Austin from.

  • Jen K (7b, 8a)
    last month

    @Lars was Austin considered hick and uncultured then? I'd love to go back but it's so big now. We're happily tucked into Raleigh these days.

  • yeonassky
    last month

    I would not turn away a visitor and would offer overnight. But I know that is just me and not everyone and I won't impose me on everyone. :-). If we can see that there is too much going on we always opt for the hotel. We will not overstay our welcome.


    When we go out to eat there was always a little scrabble for the bill so yes we all want to be fair and take our turns in this family. I do like to spoil my family a little with the food they like etc. The visit always turn out very nice.

  • Lars
    last month

    Jen K, Austin was a lot smaller in the 1980s, and it still had a somewhat intimate feel to it. I don't know what it's like now. I also lived there Jan - Aug 1973, and it very much had a small town feel to it at that time, and many people there thought that it had already gotten too big. At that time, the only non-stop flight from Austin that left the state was to Phoenix.

    I remember shopping in Austin in the 1970s when I would visit family, and I went into one store where I was paying by check, and so I had to show them my California driver's license. The woman at the counter said to me, "We don't get many foreigner here," and so that might answer your question about whether it was a hick town in the 1970s. It was really backward in so many ways back then, and yet it thought of itself as a progressive city, but coming from San Francisco, I did not see that. I believe that now many people in Austin resent people from California moving there, and I see that as small-minded and regressive. I moved the other direction. In the 1970s, I got harassed by the Austin police quite frequently, even without crossing a street, and they would always want to see my ID. That has never happened to me in California.

  • littlebug zone 5 Missouri
    last month

    I hate having houseguests. I count the hours till they leave - including my own grown children and their families. Don’t throw rocks at me - that’s just the way I am. Love my kids and my grandkids, but don’t stay overnight at my house.

  • Jen K (7b, 8a)
    last month

    @Lars you're very accurate that Texas wants nothing to do with the Californication of it's politics, culture, and everything else.


    We move there because my husband was recruited by a security company who came to Austin when Michael Dell moved operations there from Ireland.


    2012-2017 were the most magical American years (having lived through 3 yrs in Europe). I would love to go back but we could never afford it.

  • Lars
    last month

    I would also love to go back to Europe, but we are not doing any international travel for now and don't know when we will feel comfortable doing it again.