I have never liked being told what to do as an adult. I do not have a boss. I was self employed for decades, which was helpful. I have gone toe to toe with people who are pushy and generally avoid them.

OT, but as a person with a family history of CRC, I feel the need to point out that living with an ostomy bag is not the end of the world. It is far better than the alternative. People who would look askance at your brother physically for that are better off not being in his life since they are pathetically shallow.

Anyone think Chadwick Boseman would have been less hot had he survived and had an ostomy?

Would it have been better if your brother had had a competent physician who guided his care based on best practices? For sure. (The medical guidance on this has been initial screening at 50, now 45, unless a first degree relative has the disease, in which case the screening must be 10 years prior to that relative's diagnosis.) Should your brother have listened to you, yup. But sometimes there are psychological impediments to doing what needs doing, and if they are not addressed through discipline or therapy, they can cause even more pain.

As long as they don't say "I told you so" afterwards. :)

When I said that my brother's life has changed, I meant that he has some physical limitations now that he did not have before, and in July he had to have surgery for a hernia, but at least he is feeling better now after that surgery. If he had not had the ostomy, then he would not have had that hernia.

The doctor told him he must not lift anything heavy, and so I guess rock climbing is now out.

Pushy people do not bother me - I have a way of ignoring them and not letting them get to me. My father was extremely bossy, and so I just avoided him as much as possible.

I think more often than not the psychological impediment is laziness or just not getting around to it. I wish I had hog-tied my wife and dragged her to her gyn rather than accept ”yeah I know, I will.” for years. And I bet in retrospect she’d agree.

[Posted from the waiting room at MSK]

"Do you resent being told to do something for your own good?

And does it make you rebellious?"

'It depends'. Health issues (like being told to mask up to lessen the chances of dying of Covid) don't bother me.

And for me, all kinds of people try to give me advice, I suppose everyone gets that. If I really do think it is good I take it. If I don't, I will just ignore whoever it is, might even thank them if I knew they did it with a good heart.

food, I hope for the best for your wife.

Thanks Bookwoman it’s old news by now but I take any opportunity to remind people!

I accept good advice and ignore silly advice. I get both kinds.

I have recently been advised to work harder at weight bearing exercise from a dear friend who is an orthopaedic surgeon. I am following her advice -though I don't like lifting weights- I am grateful for her advice. Left to my own devices, I would not have strengthened my muscles this way.

I have an aunt who advises me on all sorts of matters. I dismiss almost everything she says because she is a silly person - but sometimes, even she makes a good point.

As for colleagues and bosses, I always appreciate feedback.

PS Lars, your tremendous care for your brother is very touching.

My father passed from CRC when he was 70. My PCP advised that I start getting colonoscopies at 40 which I did. I had several polyps on my first one but none turned out to have been cancerous yet. I am now 58 and have had 6 or 7 more colonoscopies ( one the next year and every 3 years since). They have found at least a couple more non-cancerous polyps every time.

My son's fiancee was diagnosed with CRC when she was 19, had to have a resection, chemo, and an ostomy bag for over a year.

I don't even listen to anyone trying to boss me around if they are not in a position of authority over me. I just put on ignore. I do usually listen to my PCP or other medical specialist. I don't always follow their advice though ( No, I'm not going to stop drinking alcohol or smoking an occasional cigar).

I resent the advice if it's a "sales pitch." Once I met with a new auto insurance agent and they wanted me to invest money with them, for MY own good. Or....the lady who was "training her dog"...yelling at it, choking & dragging it. The women around me said. "It would be over soon.", as in don't interfere, for my own good. :0( What about the dog? Or I went to a land title company: my coworker wanted to sell me his house, they refused to handle the sale without a real estate agent...for my own good. I went across town to their sister-company and closed the sale with them, 3 days later. ♥ Or....my real estate agent told me a house I was looking at had no potential. There was no place to put a dishwasher in the kitchen, for instance. Yeah...I purchased it. :0) And the kitchen was huge!

I don't think Resent is the right word for how I feel when someone who has no idea what my particulars are, "tells" me what to do. My first instinct, always, is total disregard. Fortunately I then rethink the situation and sometimes change my mind.

If your heart is in the right place (as was yours Lars) then it's the right thing to do. A 70 YO friend of mine who I've been trying to get the covid shot finally got his 1st one last week. It wasn't me (or his family members nudging) who finally convinced him. He was convinced by an ICU patient on TV who did not get the shot and was begging viewers to get it.

blfenton : As long as they don't say "I told you so" afterwards. :)

Nyuk, I told my brother last week - "When we're both on the other side in the Great Hereafter and have possession of all the known knowledge of the Universe (that's supposed to happen right?) that I have a pocket full of I told ya so's for him and the rest of the family ;-)

I'm the last person to say "I told you so," and I do not know anyone who does say that. I think my grandmother was the last one I heard say that, and she's been dead more than 30 years. She never won friends by saying that, and I think it taught everyone who heard her say it to avoid ever saying it to anyone else. I think I heard that phrase on I Love Lucy, but that was not real life.

I remember an episode of that show in which Ricky told Lucy that he had bought life insurance so that she would be taken care of in case he would "go." Then Lucy cried and said, "Ricky, don't go," and Ricky told her that he had bought life insurance for her life also. She then said, "Why do I need life insurance? You're the one that's going."

Totally depends on the content, I will not listen to people that try to push it down my throat. It also depends on how they "talk" to me. I am fine with a discussion but not forcing something on me.

I dont think any of us like to be told to do something ’for our own good’, or in similar words, but there are better ways to hold that discussion and encourage someone to do something for their health. Some will listen, some won’t.

If i go to a doctor, for example, for advice, I will listen and heed that advice. Otherwise, why am i wasting my own and the doctor’s time?

An example of someone not listening to advice is a good friend i saw at lunch today. She is single and has always made a good salary as an engineer, and her family unfortunately takes advantage of that. She has bailed out, financially, more family members over the years and it was not to her advantage. Her son, thankfully is also a software engineer and is self-supporting. Despite all of us friends telling her to put out a big ’NO’ sign when family comes to her, she likely wont. She is finally retired and secure but she could have been so much more financially secure and she knows it.

I agree it depends. I DO NOT RESPOND WELL TO NAGGING. My only dream as a small girl and teen was to be able to walk through my front door into my home and not be nagged half to death all day every day. One of the phrases that sets my teeth on edge is " you NEED to....insert know it all advice here"

It depends on delivery. If you are condescending, as if you are smarter than me because you do something and I don't, or you do it differently, yes I resent it. Take your advice and shove it.

I resent advice from people who won't take advice at all, think they know everything, and refuse to acknowledge that there are different views on the matter. My father is like this. I wasted SO MUCH money taking my car to the dealership for simple things, because he thinks that the dealership is the only pace that can properly repair a car. And at the time I bought my car, I was too young to have it registered to me, so I was at the mercy of his threats to take it away, even though I paid every cent of the note, insurance gas and upkeep. I resented that I had to spend more of MY money to pay the dealership to do something that I could have had someone else do just as well for cheaper. And I resented his attitude that he knew best and I was just a stupid girl and that father knows best attitude is not something that agreed with me. Even though I do believe that he thought that he was "Advising" me well, he was telling me what to do, for what he thought was my own good, and he dismissed my concerns as foolish. So yes, I resented it.

I resented when my older brother condescending "advised" me that I did not NEED a house, that I would not be able to maintain it, and that I NEED to look into a condo. OR if I insisted on a house, I SHOULD buy an acre of land next to my sister (so that she could keep an eye on me and make sure I didn't stick a fork in an electrical socket or something) and build a one bedroom, one bathroom house, because, that's all I need. I don't NEED pets. I don't NEED privacy. I don't NEED space. ( this was after he suggested that since I am unmarried, I was completely single at the time, no SO, that I should just live with mom and dad until I found a husband, because its stupid to spend money when you can live at home for free.) He moved out very quickly after turning 18, and would never have moved back. So I am not sure why I was supposed to stay at home as a whole adult subject to my parents rules as though I was a teen. So I resented that advice as well,even though on the surface it appears he was looking out for my best interest financially, I did not appreciate the idea that I only deserve and should be content with the bare minimum because I do not technically NEED anything extra....GRRRRRRRR

I am the baby of my siblings, and therefore am forever doomed to being disrespected, having boundaries ignored, and to be forever thought of as naïve, unexperienced, and just plain stupid. And in need of constant advice from my all knowing family. It is what it is I suppose.

And do not get me started on religious advice/guilting. I'll tend to my own soul thank you, mind yours.

I resent unsolicited cooking advice when I am trying to make a meal at work, and people come in and tell me that I should try it this way or that way.

Or in general, that I need to try this food that I already know that I do not like the way THEY make it. If I do not like something that they do, it is because I haven't had it cooked or seasoned the right way or something dumb like that. They only want me to enjoy something the way that they do, so I do feel like they mean well, but it irritates me. Lemmee alone!

Other advice I do not resent. When I went to the nurse at my employer the other day to get bloodwork done, and she out of the blue she told me that I need to take control of my health and find a PCP immediately, I did not resent that, even though I did not bring it up and did not go see her for that purpose.

When I went to urgent care for my foot pain a while ago and the nurse told me that if I lost weight it would reduce almost any pain I had, I did not resent that. I did not ASK for her advice on that, but she is a medical professional and I assume it was in my best interest. She wasn't very tactful about it, but whatever. Is there a tactful way to call someone fat? Probably not.

One year, many years ago when I just started decorating for holidays at work, while I was putting up my halloween decor, I was struggling trying to DUCT TAPE lights to the drop tray ceiling. I was getting frustrated because it was not sticking. A driver, I will never forget him, his name was Cecil, came in to get his paperwork, saw my struggle and asked, "got any binder clips?" And my decorating game changed FOREVER!!!!!" And yes, I do think that was for my own good, even if not medically. Mentally, stress wise, it was a big irritant resolved.

So I guess its all delivery more than intent for sure when it comes to me. I do not give unsolicited advice ever. If someone tells me their troubles, I assume that they are looking for a solution and instead of saying "you SHOULD or you NEED to" I will say, "have you thought about trying this?" or "I did this and it helped me. Its something to think about."

OMG, @amylou321 you are my spiritsister!!! Thank you!

It does depend who's doing the telling. If it's an expert, no. If it's someone who has unbiased information they're sharing, no. If it's someone who doesn't know the difference between fact and opinions, I ignore what's said.

Can't say it better thanamylou321. Intent, delivery and how it's presented counts for a lot. My respect for anyone has to be earned. A title doesn't cut it. I've met too many experts who are damned fools in my lifetime.

If you haven't walked in my shoes, don't you dare try to tell me how to lace them. That's how I appoach those who would be critics of my life now with the exception of (some) medical professionals.

Amen Wildchild ! Many so called experts have never done any work in their fields.

Years ago a dear friend who also suffers from thyroid disease recommended that I switch to natural medicine for the condition. I thought I was fine on the artificial stuff and put it off for several years. When I finally did switch what a huge difference it made, the fake stuff wasn't working at all. Natural is far superior because it treats all the hormone imbalances. I wish I had followed her advice immediately and I thanked her for saving me from a life of suffering. As other friends have found themselves in the same situation I encourage them to get appropriate treatment also and save themselves from those years of misery that I endured. Good friends care enough to speak up when it's appropriate.

"Authority" is a HUGE issue. So many think they are just because they FEEL self righteous. I'm no so open to their New Age/modern psycho babble/WOKE versions of "what's good for me".

A friend found a new word and told me about it

"Freedumb" - the belief that your own personal freedom outweighs any responsibility for the safety or well being of others. A corollary, many who believe in this also have trouble distinguishing real information (from informed and qualified sources) from political propaganda.

If someone tells you that you need to get a haircut, that person might be right, but you might avoid getting a haircut just because someone told you to, and I think that this is the wrong way to make a decision. Teenagers are especially bad about this type of behavior, but when a person matures, they should be able to get over it and make the right decision despite what they may have been told. Advice that one resents is not always the wrong advice, whether one likes it or not.

I don't like vegans telling me I should be vegan or vegetarian. I have tried that, and it does not work for me, possibly because of allergies I have to most grains and soy. But I never tell vegans that they themselves should stop being vegan.

FWIW, there is a term now: oppositional defiance disorder (ODD) generally applied to children. I do think there is a difference between rejecting inappropriate advice or directions and knee jerk opposition simply because a person resents being told what to do.

I can get a little bristly when someone who hates being directed by others has no reservations about issuing commands to those around them, but I tend to take it with humor. Hubby is like that sometimes.

Like others above, I try to always consider the source and have some respect for authority - that is, when the authority is deserved/earned.

I think when it comes to other people, it's very hard to know the reasons behind some seemingly self-destructive behaviors. Humans are funny things that way.

amylou321 I am the youngest child in my family, too. I couldn't begin to tell you how many times I was called dumb, silly, or stupid by my siblings. Of course, since I was younger than all of them I hadn't learned the things they had already learned, but that didn't make dumb. The irony is that I'm actually more intelligent than any of them. Isn't karma great ?

Yes, I do have somewhat of a problem with being told what to do even if it's for my own good, but it depends on who's telling me, and what they're telling me. I've been given both good and bad advice from people who genuinely cared, Then there are those people who will try to tell you what to do and expect you to do it right away. Those are the ones I have a problem with, and I usually refuse to do anything they tell me. I don't like being given "orders" by people who have no right, or authority to do so.

Career wise, I was nearly always fine with being told what to do. I can think of one major exception when I was told to write up a report from a conference trip I went on with my supervisor. I asked if I could write it from home as at that time I had severe carpal tunnel issues and was told NO, you can't do it from home and take the time out of office to do this (it was mid-90s.). My home computer had an ergonomic keyboard which was not compatible with the work computer workstation. So... yes, I wrote the report up from home anyway and didn't take the time out of my in-office/lab work time.

I brought my report in for my supervisor's review. Mind you, he was at the same conference. I wrote up 10-12 meetings I'd been to. On my own time, over a weekend. Because my wrist would not stand me doing that on company time.

He changed ONE sentence I'd written, signed the report with his name first, then mine, and sent it off. He didn't write ANYTHING of his own.

I had a severe problem with that, and I really wish in retrospect I'd spoken up. But whose word against whose?

****

In other circumstances - I do listen to people when they tell me what I should do, but a lot of this depends on the apparent attitude of the person doing the telling. A lot depends also on how well people realize that some requests for "improvement" are in the eye of the beholder, or not, for instance, understanding what depression, anxiety, and those sort of things manifest. Like their way can get you through everything, because it worked for them!

"I am the baby of my siblings, and therefore am forever doomed to being disrespected, having boundaries ignored, and to be forever thought of as naïve, unexperienced, and just plain stupid. And in need of constant advice from my all knowing family. It is what it is I suppose."

That's me :) Not so much from my brother - and he is the oldest - but from my sister. She tends to address me with advice like I am 7 years old....instead of 70!

Very tiresome but I usually agree with her and then ignore it (unless I have thought of it already). I find it's the simplest way to deal with it. 😑

My brother Kevin is the youngest, and he is 15 years younger than I am. I moved away from home when he was three, and so he really does not remember me from his childhood. When he was two to three years old, Kevin would talk constantly and tell wild stories, but no one would listen to him except for me. Everyone else just wanted him to be quiet. He had an imaginary play friend name Jumjum, and so I asked him a lot of questions about Jumjum, such as where he was from etc. Kevin told me that Jumjum was from Galveston and also told me what he had done there, although I don't the details now. Kevin would also tell me that when he was sleeping, he could communicate with angels, and one of the angels told him that a person could not become an angel until he had lived a life on another planet after living on earth. Kevin also told me details about his previous life as a Roman soldier.

The only advice I gave Kevin was to do what he wanted and to be what he wanted to be. I think it is a bit difficult to resent that kind of advice, but our parents did and they told him not to listen to me. They had different advice and plans for him.

Although I do not especially like children, they seem to like me and have been drawn to me most of my life. I think part of this is because I respect them and always want to listen to them and hear what they have to say. I treat all individuals as equals. Of course I have one niece who would say to me, "Uncle Lars, you're silly," and so that may have been an attraction as well.

Hah - Lars, you reminded me of an older movie I watched not that long ago with Jeff Daniels, who plays a reclusive author of a wildly popular book about spirituality. He meets a woman with a young son and tells her he loves kids because they don't know anything 😄

I often find conversations with children to be far more entertaining and interesting than those with most adults.

I'm the oldest of 6 and the only girl. I helped my young mother raise 5 very difficult boys. Children are exhausting, demanding and annoying for me to be around. I've been married for 43 years. Neither my DH or I ever wanted to have children and we don't regret it. I never wanted to be responsible for anyone when I finally left my family home to go to college. I felt free, and wanted to remain that way. DH didn't have a happy upbringing himself. So our descion was a natural one.

Lars....That's interesting, about Kevin & his talking to angels, remembering his past life.