Ha ha, so true, we haven’t had to talk about a curfew in a long time, have we? Our kids are pretty far apart in age, plus different personalities and interests, and different in the ways they’ve ”tested” us over the years. We suddenly had to come up with new rules and regulations when DD was a senior in high school and her social life changed dramatically, partly due to having her first serious BF. Now she’s 20 and current BF is halfway across the country and she doesn’t go out much so we haven’t had to enforce many rules. She does usually ask ”is that okay?” after telling us about any plans she has. And she’s really great about checking in with us if she’s running late. A new factor coming up is that we are letting her take a car back to college in the fall for the first time. DH and I had to chat about what guidelines we wanted to have in place for that.

Another one coming up for us is that the BF, who we have met several times and really like, is coming to visit for about a week in August. Still not sure what we want to do about sleeping arrangements. She had her HS BF come to our beach house when they were seniors — DH and I were there too — and we had them sleep in separate rooms. Now, she has been away at college for two years…it seems a little less clear what sleeping arrangements should be. Older DS had his GF visit at around the same age, and we had them stay in separate rooms, but now here we are 5 years later and somehow it doesn’t seem like such a big deal to me. DH may feel differently! Actually this young man is the type who may feel awkward about sharing a room at our house.

The dating thing — tricky bc if they’re in college, at least theoretically they’ve been out with people you haven’t met and may never meet. In an ideal world, I’d at least want to know where they’re going and at least some basic info on who they’re going with.

The thing is, in this age range you can still have rules, especially when they’re living at home, but if they don’t follow the rules, it’s not easy to come up with consequences! We had a difficult relationship with our oldest when he was in his early 20s and living at home. Too much to go into here, but we finally had to say, it’s time for you to move out. We gave him a deadline, we helped with his rent for the first year, and he is now fully independent and our relationship is better than it’s ever been. I wouldn’t do the same thing with either of my other kids but I also know I won’t have to.

It's a continuation of the past for us. Mutual respect and good manners, not rules and curfews, seem to work well. That said, what I consider respect, others may find rigid. The house is not a hotel. You do not just come and go without greetings, lending a hand, and making introductions when you bring guests over. Guests stay in a guest room. We all inform one another about our wherabouts and ETAs. We would never leave the house and go somewhere without telling the boys where we were going and when to expect us back, so obviously we expect the same courtesy.

I can't think of better specifics. It kinda sounds very laissez-faire, but works super well in practice, so far.

PS Four boys between the ages of 17 and 22.

We were the same with our kids. They always wanted to know where we were going and when we would be home so the rules were the same for them.

We have boys and we never really had to set a curfew however the car had a curfew.

We've already had to deal with the BF/GF sleepovers for them, and for their oldest brother and for extended family. We don't condone or forbid anything expressly. Unless a couple lives together, we assign them each bedrooms and then are silent (and blind) on the matter.

We have his/mine situation. Our youngest couple of kids were 18 when we met and very responsible.

We have had different kids of all ages live with us since then.

A hard rule that if you arent coming home you let us know. Common respect.

We also had a loose schedule for cooking. We were lucky it all worked out. Now they all have homes and families, I am proud but also miss them (some days)

My parents alwys told us each kids gets rules based on personality and they didnt have to make it fair; they were right!

My parents alwys told us each kids gets rules based on personality and they didnt have to make it fair; they were right!

Interesting, I may use that if I ever have to. I already told them, after having to do things like weigh treats by the gram when they argued over them, I am done making everything exactly "even." They all get everything they need and a good portion of what they want and I'm not keepin' a darn spreadsheet!

I was caught up on feminism in the 80s when my father paid for everything! He had a lot of responses to my rants including ”I dont want to pick your brothers up at jail but I can’t imagine picking you up at a hospital, he unfortunatly did but his rules were appropriate

That said, my home my rules, with discussion and respect is ok with me.

This is a good topic especially for parents having teens who are beginning their social lives.

I did the same with both boys once they started going out at night. I left the porch light on & if I was asleep when they got home I could open my eyes in bed and see if the light was on or off. Their signal to me all's well. If the light was on past curfew, I'd fly out of bed. lol

Most of the time I was awake and when they got home they'd always come sit on the bed and tell me about their night. Because I set up a great rapport with them at a young age they continued this once they left for college & would come visit. Neither was the type to stay out all night.

Both boys had their own cars.

If your child is still a dependent and in high school, you demand they tell you who it is they're going out with. Especially for girls. Once they leave home and come back to live for awhile, tell them you still want to know who the new person is in their life and what time you can expect them to get home. If they balk about you having to know everything, tell them it's common courtesy because they're living under your roof, and you are a MOTHER. I played the mother card and it worked all the time. :)

Unusually, I never had a curfew. I am not a night owl, I made my own. It was ironic because in high school I had a boyfriend who used to come over after a date and we'd watch "Saturday Night Live" but then he would want to stay and stay and stay, (he had graduated and worked the night shift so he was a night owl) . . . my folks were snoring away upstairs and never made a peep. How I wished they would have come down and said, "It's late, X has to go home." I had to develop my own skills to say, "OK, party's over, time to go home!" (Or something to that effect.) My husband and I joke about it because when we were first dating (I was 50 at that point) I would have to tell him it was time to go, sleep was not the issue with him that it is with me. I go to bed the same time almost every night so as to try to keep my sleep rhythms regular.

I have been extremely fortunate in this area with my young adult kids. When they come home from college, they're respectful, help out, make a point of spending time with me, and generally keep me informed of their schedule. One rule we made early on in high school is that they absolutely WILL NOT drive under the influence and WILL NOT get in a car with a driver who is. Under no circumstances. Either spend the night where you are, or text me and I'll come get you. No questions asked. I repeated that every time they walked out the door... they eventually repeated it to me, often with eye rolls. But they knew this was a steadfast rule, and still is.

I was also lucky to be in communication with most of their friends' parents--we always had an understanding of what was going on at whose house, etc., especially during the high school years (not so much now that they're older, but I still know the parents and their rules). We've long had transparent conversations about alcohol and drug use, and I think it sort of de-mystified it.

Sleepovers are another matter. At this age, until they are in a committed relationship, I provide separate sleeping quarters. I never would have slept in the same bed or even room with boyfriends at their age. But I'm not a prude, and I'm not naive, and I take the approach Mtn writes: Unless a couple lives together, we assign them each bedrooms and then are silent (and blind) on the matter.

But I agree with different rules for different kids when they're needed in the situation. And I have friends who allow sleepovers for valid reasons, and it works for their family. Covid complicated things, for sure, and I think many of them relaxed rules. Like many of us did.

Honestly at that age, id pretty much lost control. My older son was on his own early on and the younger was very responsible. When i was 24 i was married and had a child so the thought of imposing rules on anyone that age wouldnt occur to me, except if they were using my car, which would be to bring it back in one piece. Im not recommending my methods.

When my son went off to college a picture of a fraternity "gathering" was posted on social media. I sent him a note explaining how pictures like that could be judged when he least expected or would want them to be. I requested he have it removed and in the future be very careful about how he is portrayed always. My daughters and I were discussing this. They were still in high school living our rules about chemical use and moral behavior. They asked what I was going to do about his activities. I told them 'he's living as an adult and it is his to make adult decisions". In other words NONE OF MY BUSINESS. My parenting rules were firmly built around not making those you can't enforce. Yes he was still a bit under our financial support but not fully and the time comes when you have to give them enough space to learn to fly. When home for the summer, curfew was never discussed. My children respected our home and us to never breach the moral/chemical rules in our awareness. There really isn't more I could enforce/expect. My three are 25-30 all professionals fully independent, carrying no debt able to handle whatever life throws at them. I could not be more proud of them.

Most of our rules are about respect and safety. They can also be situation dependent. Whether the first date or not, I need to know who they are with and where they will be going. If plans change and they decide to go somewhere else, they can send a quick text letting me know. This goes for romantic or platonic outings.

My daughter who is about to turn 20 does have a quasi-curfew. Part of that is because she spends almost all day at her boyfriend's house on his day off from work and it's usually a week night. The rule for her is to text me that she has made it there safe and text me when she is leaving. It takes 50 minutes for her to drive home and I usually am waiting up. Part of the need for the earlier curfew is because if something does go wrong with her car or whatever, we need to be coherent to go help. She is also a diabetic, so if there is a medical emergency, we need to know where to go.

We have not set any rules really for the 23 year old. He lives at home and works long hours. On the rare occasion he goes out, he just needs to let me know where he is. If he leaves work after 8, he texts that he is heading home so we know when to expect him or when to worry. The next 2 will be question marks for us. One will be a senior this year and is extremely antisocial but we have to gauge whether or not he will be taking a car to school when the time comes. Who knows what rules will be necessary for the now 14 year old. I will say that generally my kids are pretty respectful and generally just need a reminder on what is expected of them and that makes my job a lot easier.

I never had a curfew but I think it’s respectful to let people know of your comings and goings. I moved out at 18 and had a fairly wild (for me) five years away not answering to anyone - but when I moved home in a broke stupor after graduation i kept my parents abreast of my general whereabouts and plans. I knew they’d worry a lot more than my roommates did. I also wouldn’t bring random dates home.

It was interesting travelling with my in-laws in my 30s - they were used to a LOT more information and control about everyone’s whereabouts which as someone who was both on her own and travelling on her own at 18 I was extremely puzzled by. But we all worked it out!

I have no useful suggestions to offer, but am taking notes as this discussion is helpful to me. My situation is different though.

Our rules were the same as most posts here for our college/post college kids living at home—-where are you going, who with, when will you be home (so mom and dad don’t panic). We would meet our sons’ gf’s within a few months. Our daughter was a shy, late bloomer who didn’t date in high school or home from college so we never had those moments with boys coming over to pick her up.

We've always lived by the "Give them roots and give them wings" idea. As someone mentioned, our rules were about respect and safety. Let us know if you're not coming home (as early 20 .year olds, not teens!) , let someone know when you are meeting someone you've never met (online dating) and meet them in a public place with your own vehicle. Just basic common sense. Fortunately for us, neither daughter gave us a moment's trouble ever. I realize that that is partly luck of the draw.

When I was a young single woman living in another state, my mother would sometimes come to visit me for a week or so at a time. She had a chldhood friend who lived in a nearby city, and they would meet for lunch or dinner at least once a visit.

One visit, they went out for dinner. But then they went to a show. And after that for a drink. By they time my mother came home well after midnight, nearly 1:00, I was tapping my foot, arms crossed. ”You could have at least called.” And then I knew how my parents felt when my brothers and I were younger, or indeed when i came home for a visit!

Yes, it's nice when the shoe is on the other foot. A couple of weekends ago I was in NYC visiting my son, and after dinner I took the subway back to my hotel. About an hour later my phone rang: "Just checking that you got back ok. You were supposed to text me!"

"....and I'm not keepin' a darn spreadsheet!"

LOL!!

Nothing to offer here. Our kids kept reasonable hours so no curfews.

We were pretty straight forward in our approach. Our daughters knew that i ” do not do nonsense”. As someone else mentioned , I used the lamppost light as a signal. Turn it off when you come home. All boyfriends slept in the guest room until they were husbands.

I told them that if they are ever in a situation where someone is asking you to do something that you know is not right, they should blame me. Simply say, My mother is a WITCH”, and she would somehow find out. They were scared of me…😌.

The cell phone era became popular when they were in college. During the first 2 years i could call the phone in their dorm room with the expectation that they were there. Boy , did that change! Cell phones made it impossible to know where they were! I was just hoping that they were somewhere within our state!

Along that same line, we never paid even one penny of their cell phone bills. They wanted the phone, they got a job! DH and I are firm believers in working. Those darn jobs made it very difficult to spend the weekend at some boyfriend’s college. We still joke about it today.

Haha @grapefruit1_ar good idea!

This thread has been enlightening for someone without children!

Grapefruit, Ha! That was my mother's advice, always use her as a scapegoat if needed.

No suggestions except this:

1. allowances should be adequate rather than generous, and

2. 18 is too young for anyone to have unfettered access to inherited money, and 21 is still too young for most.

Thus spake Zarathustra, er, kswl.