as a caterer / wedding cake maker ive seen an increase in small wedding celebrations and i think that they make a lot of sense. for all kinds of people planning a wedding creates stress, tension tension, and ballooning expenses. i hope that your daughter is able to take the rightful lead in deciding what she and fiance prefer.

I think a one-on-one conversation between you and the mother of the groom would be a more appropriate venue for expressing your concerns. I would approach it from the perspective of how can you and the MOG help your daughter keep her anxiety at bay. Enlist the MOG to be an advocate for your daughter and maybe she will control her own needs.

If your daughter wants a small wedding, you certainly can mention the fact at some time during the meeting. There is no need to mention your daughter’s anxiety, let them know that your daughter has always wanted a smaller, more intimate wedding.

Good luck! Is it too early to talk about MOB dresses?

Unless your DD asks you too, I would not discuss this with the MOG.

If the topic comes up, of course you can say what you think and what you know your DD prefers. I would imagine, given that traditionally the costs fall on the B's family, that is who sets the tone for the size/formality of the wedding.

Best wishes to your DD!

Agree with Mtn. Its your daughters day She should not have to endure a large wedding. would they consider a destination wedding?

Jojo has a great idea!

Congratulations! And, sorry that you are feeling stress so soon.

The wedding should be about what the bride AND groom want.

Right now you are assuming the groom’s parents want an extravaganza. This might not be the case.

In any event, the couple needs to address the issue of a small wedding with the groom’s parents.

While a destination wedding can cut down the guest list, it still might still be bigger than what the bride can tolerate.

At the dinner, if the topic comes up, your DD and fiance need to speak up and explain their wishes.

A destination wedding sounds great but she does want her grandparents there and unfortunately, it will be tough for them to travel any great distance.

The groom's family has a lovely beach house that is within driving distance for most guests and that has been discussed as a venue. It's actually another reason for my concern as we would have to run many of the decisions by the groom's Mom.

I might suggest to my daughter that a neutral venue might be a better choice. But it would be a shame to turn down a free oceanfront location at a historic home that the bride and groom both love. (Like Mtn's gorgeous house in Maine.)

There are a lot ancillary events, from engagement parties to bridal teas, the rehearsal dinner and such that may be of concern to the bride to be. I would not discuss any of my child's issues beyond stating that she prefers intimate events over large ones.

I would make sure my daughter was prepared to be a strong advocate for herself by discussing the possible events/pitfalls and how she wants to handle them.

Weddings are often so over-planned and packed full of a weekend of events these days. I would discuss with your daughter and future SIL what their vision for the wedding entails before discussing with his parents. I am extremely introverted and made sure to plan plenty of alone time for recovery between events the weekend of my son's wedding. This made it possible for me to be engaged and truly enjoy the (too many!) events all in one weekend. I would suggest making sure the events are scheduled so that she can take care of herself during what is sure to be an exciting and somewhat stressful time. And agree with Zalco that she needs to advocate for herself with the support of her fiance and you. Use your dinner to forge a relationship and try to keep wedding planning off the table for this first meeting.

But it would be a shame to turn down a free oceanfront location at a historic home that the bride and groom both love.

One thing I will say, having BTDT, is that a free location may not save you any money, because every.little.thing has to be rented. My DSS ended up having his wedding at a local inn, and I think it was less costly that way. There was also the issue of his DM throwing a fit, but hey.

Hubs and I planned our own wedding two years ago. I will second Mtn's comment that smaller, less elaborate weddings are becoming more and more common. Your daughter, with a little help, should not have trouble finding a very nice, smaller casual venue. In fact, there were several articles that came out a couple of years before hubs and I planned ours, about how "barn weddings" were becoming so popular. I knew about it because I work in a field close to farming. So more and more smaller places have created event spaces. We looked at a small vineyard as one of our options, for example. They had a great space, very casual, had caterers they worked with, and had even dedicated a space for the wedding party to dress, etc. Twenty years ago that would have been rarer than hen's teeth. Now it's becoming more and more common as more places jump on the wedding venue money train. I used to work in camping, it's pretty common for camps now to rent out their spaces for weddings, as another example. So I wouldn't worry about the details, weddings are much more fluid now days, and covid has only accelerated the diversity of styles.

Also, why stick to convention, if the groom's family want to host a big event, why don't they plan it, a party after the wedding or something. Nothing says you can't have a lot of wedding parties. We had TWO weddings in different parts of the US to accommodate relatives who could not travel on both ends. And a farewell party for out of town guests the day after our wedding. A friend of ours is having a big wedding celebration barbecue gathering at their summer place months after their covid-small wedding. I've seen this happening too. Think out of the box and think "It's not up to us, it's up to the bride and groom."

The bride and groom need to set expections about the size of their wedding. Hoping bride and groom are on the same page. Your guidance should be for her to speak up and advocate for herself . IMHO, nothing is free, even a free beach location. I have a DS who is recently engaged too and a similar dinner on the horizon. We need to have a finance discussion. Awkward !

Your daughter and son need to plan their wedding. Once they present their plan to those involved IF the MOG objects that is when it will be her sons job to explain in private why their plans are what they are why they will remain so. The grooms mother if in need of a gathering due to their social responsibilities may offer to have a "grooms party" the night before. We had a "Welcome to MN" party the evening before and invited many who were in town already. This I was in control of. The groom and bride were just in attendance to visit, meet, greet etc. My daughter in law had no showers or other wedding hoopla. She did have a week end with her college cohort. This couple are fully vested adults and they need to be the ones to stand up for their wishes.

Zalco hit the nail on the head about advocating for herself. She has always had difficulty with it and it's one of the sources of her anxiety. Because she is an adult I usually don't discuss particular problems with her unless she brings them up in conversation.

But, this situation has so many potential land mines for her that I am trying to think of ways to be more supportive than usual.

Thank you so much for all your thoughtful advice.

If I were in the position of needing a high degree of control over my wedding, I would shy away from any venue that was squarely not in my own backyard, so to speak. Ask me how I know.

Having a great "best woman" really, really helps. I had great best women for both weddings. They made all the difference in the world. They helped me find and evaluate a lot of things I needed for the wedding, kept me on track, helped de-stress some of the decisions. Hopefully your daughter can find someone like that, someone she knows well and trusts and is a stress relieving friend. I had no idea how crucial my two best ladies would become. Luckily I picked the perfect two people. I know as a Mom you probably think of yourself in that role, and you probably are one of those great support people. But a peer is also an important person to have around, they are more objective if they aren't family, they have less skin in the game so to speak. And some people just have the personality where they just love planning things and fussing with details. That was a quality my two best ladies shared. One was my second cousin, she's crafty, knew the area and the resources, has great taste, a variety of skills, enjoys bossing people around . . . I could not have asked for a more perfect partner. Same with my other best lady, she should be a personal planner or life coach she is a natural. Ooooh, speaking of that, that's another option, hiring a planning assistant if details stress you. But the good ones book up long times in advance . . .

I agree with everyone who suggested that you not discuss your daughter’s mental health issues with the groom’s family. The groom knows the issues. Let him deal with his family as he sees fit.

What about encouraging them to elope? My cousin and his wife had no one at their wedding. Neither his parents nor her parents or anyone else (I guess there were the required witnesses and a photographer. There are lovely photos.)

DD totally refused a big wedding. The guests were her parents, his parents, their siblings, their godparents, and their grandparents. Including the minister, the pianist, and the photographer, there were 18 people present. It was perfect because it was exactly what she wanted.

I agree with everyone who suggested that you not discuss your daughter’s mental health issues with the groom’s family.

I had this thought at first, too, but then I reread the post and Dee didn't say she was thinking of doing that per se.

As an aside, brava to you Dee, for being open about mental health. And brava to your DD for finding a way to manage her mental health.

This is the groom's first opportunity to put his wife first and be her advocate. I spent a childhood in which my father did not advocate for my mother's mental health and wellbeing as his adult sisters and his mom tormented my mother. Eventually, my mom refused to attend family events which upset my dad who seemed completely blind to the reality.

I'm not saying that the MOG will be anything less than accommodating and graceful, but the groom needs to set the standards of behavior, expectation and boundary when it comes to his wife's health and wellness. And likewise the bride should advocate for her husband, too.

This is also a great time for the groom's family to understand the mental health needs of this new couple. As there will be other life events in which in-law expectations will not meet the couples' reality (children, where the couple lives, how they manage their household,. ), the bride may be the guide in these conversations with support of her groom.

Hopefully you will be surprised and the future in-laws will be happy with whatever your daughter and her fiance want. My daughter is getting married in October, she is having a very small wedding, 30 people including those hired for the event. I too was worried that my daughter’s future in-laws would want a huge wedding, as it is the same type of situation where the future in-laws are also very successful and social. Thankfully they are also very down to earth and want our children to have whatever they want. My problem has been my best friend who keeps trying to get my daughter to change her mind.

I agree with other’s that you can support your daughter’s choice, but not mention the anxiety unless your daughter has asked you to head down that path. Wishing you all the best with this situation.

Is it possible the groom’s parents are already aware of your daughter’s anxieties, etc? If so, they may already be prepared for a backseat approach and allow your daughter to plan a wedding that suits her—as it should be no matter the circumstances. If not, I hope the groom will stand firm if his mom tries to overstep. A small wedding can be delightful and more meaningful IMO.

My DD got married two years ago. She vacillated between a large and small wedding. They wanted to get married in the town they live in—-she went to college there and stayed, he moved there after college. She finally decided on a small wedding because the venues she liked for a large wedding all had a minimum charge for food/beverage/venue. At least 75% of the guest list was out of towners and there was no way of knowing how many would come—-she could end up paying for 100 guests even if only 50 attended.

They got married at an upscale restaurant in a private area with 35 family and friends. There was a bar and passed appetizers for a short while as people arrived. There was an ”aisle” for her to walk down with her father with everyone seated at their dinner table during the brief ceremony. Then toasts followed by dinner and dessert. She made arrangements for the party to continue at a nice bar down the street from the hotel where everyone was staying—-most came for at least a bit. There was also a casual meet n greet Friday night and Sunday brunch for the out of towners.

It was very nice all around. Some of my nieces and nephews have married in the last few years and personally I enjoyed the smaller, more low key and intimate weddings more than the big affairs.

Your daughter needs to establish a relationship and boundries with her in-laws on her own. Despite your very good intentions, I think it’s meddling and will compromise her relationship with her new extended family.

The only thing that would change my mind is of she asked you to do it. In that case, I’d schedule a separate occasion for the three of you to discuss plans on neutral ground.

I had no intention of mentioning her specific mental health issues during our meeting with the groom's parents.

FWIW, we've been through plenty of situations with family members, teachers, etc. where more gentle words or phrases like shy or "doesn't like crowds" don't seem to resonate. I have been personally guilty of not really listening to her when she expresses her anxiety so I know how hard it can be for others to understand.

So, as per usual, I will try to walk the tight rope between being supportive but not enabling. Parenting never ends! :)

@deegw bless your heart! I know you want everything to be perfect for your daughter. I agree with Jen K and hope the groom will offset any problems with the MOG (not saying there will be any!). Your daughter is lucky to have you in her corner. Best wishes for a beautiful wedding and a happy, non-stressed bride!

Dee, I applaud you for wanting to make sure your daughter has a beautiful wedding and is comfortable at the same time.

Have you thought about talking to her and encouraging her to be more open with you about any concerns during the wedding planning since you understand how stressful it can be? And suggeat she lean on her Maid of Honor if she is close to her or a best friend for the same reasons.

I may not have read super carefully, and I apologize if I missed this, but do you know what the couple wants? If the groom is on board with your daughter about not wanting a huge production, then I would think that if discussions turn to the wedding at your dinner with the inlaws, it would be great to ask the couple what they want. (that way they are making it known as THE couple what they want).