RaeAnna, I am so sorry to hear this awful news. How wonderful you had your darling mother as long as you did. She will always be with you. You will be able to share her love going forward.

RaeAnna are you going to be all right? We all care about you so much!!

RaeAnna, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. Devastating. It‘s OK to fully embrace the grief and know you will come out the other side strong and beautiful and holding her in your heart always.

So sorry ReaAnna!!

Aaron...we have had 3 older friends die from the shots, so nothing is 100% We had 2 die that shots might have prevented.

So scary.

Dear RaeAnna,

@RaeAnna ,

We miss you. Time for a new start for you. We love you. I wish I could send you real live roses and new rose planrs to cheer you up. Here are some roses from my garden for you…

Love to see you join me and us rose friends on our ”Summer Start 2021, “ rose forum thread-we chat daily about our lives, family, gardens on it-it is more of a daily fun forum-we all say what we are doing-our ups & downs. Give you an opportunity to enjoy & share your gardens & ours & befriend us more., We talk about our daily activities and are very supportive to everyone! We can support you more daily on it. It would be fun for you-give you a positive friendly activity. Every day i enjoy looking at the ”Summer Start 2021,” thread to start my day-it’s truly a joy to say hello to friends daily on the forum and walke up to see their beautiful gardens. It’s inspiring and motivating and helpful as well as positive and fun!

Here are some roses and floral bouquets for you! Much love!

Francis Meilland rose

Grande Dame

A few tropicals for you-fun to grow!:

Mandevilla

Maypop Passiflora (They have tropical fruit!)

My poodle, Anastasia Anastasia, says says, ”Hi!”
She would love you! You are such a kind and lovely individual.

Moonlight in Paris-a new rose many bought this year-popular! It just lights up your life!

Augusta Louise (an advertsem photo)-obe I hope to purchase. i know you lije tropical colors so I thought you may like this one! Cery hardy-blooms when it rains for 4 weeks-blooms all tge time!

Wishing you joy, and uplifting activities for your future!

To be honest Carol, I’m not sure. I can’t explain how devastated I am. I’m actually alone in the house 95% of the time and it’s silent. My mother was my entire heart. I am not coping with this at all. I feel lost and I just choose not to continue describing because then it’s just too much. My mom was my everything. My best friend; my only true friend, my everything companion. I feel so lost and I just wish there was some way to bring her back.

It wasn’t her time. She had just finished a cycle of chemo and my brother refuses to wear masks around people. My dad as well. They were positive and they came around…..

It’s impossible to accept because this took her life prematurely. I can’t tell the details because it is too heartbreaking. I want my mom back.

RaeAnna, there aren’t words. And right now you’re sad and lost and that’s okay. I just want you to know I’m thinking of you.

Oh sweet girl, I know that uou are heartbroken and angry.

I wont give you platitudes

I will just tell you that you have a lot of good listeners and good friends right here

We really care about you

Condolence!

RaeAnna - I love that you reached out to us!! <3 <3

You are angry at your family for being positive with COVID and not being safe around your mom. And, of course, you are angry at them!! And, of course you don't want to share your emotional well being with those that took your mother's life in their ignorance. I hate that this happened.

What I'm hearing is that you're not safe. We all will talk with you as much as you want, and show our love for you...but we're not professionals. You need to talk to a professional...you have so many emotions that you need to talk about..talk and talk and talk. You can find somebody on line. My daughter does that.

You also need to be around someone or something. Is there family you could visit? Remember you have your dogs. They need you. I've heard of people that keep going, even when they don't want to, in order to be there for their pet.

My email is doncarolhollykedra@hotmail.com. I will talk to you as much as you want. I will listen as much as you want. We'll work through this for as long as it takes. There is no time limit.

Please keep reaching out. You need us, and we're here.

Much love, Carol

You're in my thoughts, RaeAnna--I can't imagine how difficult it must be. I would have a very hard time ever looking at my brother or father again if they did something like that. I hope they're aware of what they've done. Please don't hesitate to reach out further--I know we're all digital acquaintances but we do care for you and want the best for you.

There is a grief so deep it becomes Broken Heart Syndrome.

over time it can be very dangerous.

I don't know any cure for shock and grief that deep, except to go to the Great Physician that carried our grief , He is with us.

Oh RaeAnna, I am appalled by your brother and father's behaviour. I can only imagine how angry you are, and how much this must compound your grief.

I hope you get in touch with Carol and Kitty. You need friends, and as Carol said, a professional.

Yes, I think finding a professional and making regular appointments is helpful because it pushes you to continue to process your feelings weekly or biweekly or whatever, instead of trying to push away those feelings while they're compounding in the background of your everyday activities. You also don't have any other sort of social pressures or commitments to a professional the way you do with friends or family, so you can say what you want to say and process without judgement. They are a neutral space. You can fire them if you don't like them and move on to someone who fits better for you. I found therapy to be very empowering during a very difficult time in my life, I hope you're able to find someone who enables you to find the strength to keep moving forward.

Well said, everyone. :)

@RaeAnna

Dear RaeAnna,

It is good to cherish your mother with many healthy happy memories. It is wonderful that you reach out to us as it will help you. Therapy and friends will help you to positively deal with this and build life for yourself, too. It was good that your relatives were postive, too. Please contact me through houzz email, if you’d like, and we can ”work through it,” to handle your grief and build a positive future for you! Your mother loved you and wanted what’s best for you. She would want you to go ion and do wonderful things with all the goodness you have from God, within you! You are filled up with so much goodness and gifts. Your mother gave you much goodness and you can keep it with you forever. The wonderful qualities she expressed towards you such as kindness, love, generosity and more are always with you! So her goodness lives on in you! When you wish for loving support, assistance, and friendship, I am here. We are all here for you! too, I too, have experienced family members going to heaven. Their joy and goodness lives on in my thoughts. We live to make them proud as we learned from them and cherish their gifts to our lives by living to the fullest! I have wonderful memories of them. But my joy is now passing their gifts on to the world and cherishing them in my thoughts!

RaeAnna, I'm so sorry to hear the sad news about your mom and how much pain you are going through right now. Please hang in there even when you don't feel you can. We are all here to support you. You are so brave to share your pain and vulnerability with us. That alone can help someone who may be going through something personally difficult as well, and give them courage to talk about it. I know if this happened to me, you and every member of this community would be there to support me too. We all need each other and you are so valuable to us! In the moments you feel you cannot go on for yourself, please think of us here in this community because we appreciate and care about you so much. This community wouldn't exist without every person who makes it what it is, and that includes you RaeAnna! We go through the highs and lows with our roses together, and together, we will get through this too with you. You are not alone. BIG HUG <3

Are you okay, RaeAnna? We're all so worried about you!!

Sending love and prayers to you RaeAnna. Thank you to all the kind people on this thread who have reached out. I hope we hear from her soon. Teri

RaeAnna, Much love to you. Hope to hear from you, soon.❤️❤️❤️

@RaeAnna

As someone who was in the hospital with Covid only a few week ago - I could not be more horribly sorry to hear your news. I wish there was something we could do other than words on a screen. We are thinking of you and praying for you.

Severe - I'm so glad that you're okay!! Do you have any lingering symptoms?

Yes, i still do some but they got better over the past week or so. Weakness, dizziness, lihhtgeadedness. I also had that orthostatic thing that causes one to black out when they move from crouching position, head down, to standing. When i first tried to pick some weeds, it was scary.

It got better.

Severe - really? You blacked out...that is really scary...I'm glad that is better now.

If I lived somewhere else, my mom probably wouldn’t be where she is. I am not ok. The house is dark and silent and I literally say one prayer each day….to not be on earth any longer. I can’t explain what I am right now, but I’m alive. Just an update

@rosecanadian,

Yeap. That's what happens (sometimes) when you recover from Covid. My blood pressure was going too low, it was a mess. Now I am much better in tat respect. I have planted some stuff and it; not happening anymore. Still a little lightheaded and dizzy though, but OK.

@RaeAnna,

Please do not let yourself be engulfed by darkness.

Things are bad right now, very bad, but think about what your mom would want for you. Truth is we know so little about what is going on here, on this Earth, and virtually nothing about what is going on there (after). Your mom may be, after all, in a better place and I am not just saying this because people can't think of anything better to say in situations like this. It's a THING.

You have lots of stuff to finish here and you will do it with your mom's help, from where she is. I lost my beloved grandmother 20 years ago, and to this day, she's still with me.

Let me tell you a gardening story somewhat relevant to what you are going through right now. To me, ti was meaningful even though it may seem prosaic to others or too much "meaning making."

About 6-7 years ago, I visited my grandmother's grave, which is overseas.

My parents placed a sedum in a small pot there, although at the time I didn't know the name of the plant. As I was standing there, I noticed a small plant, the same as the one in the pot, was growing from the edges of the actual grave, between stones. A seed must have landed there. I picked it up and it came out with roots. I didn't want to throw it away so I stuck it in my pocket and forgot about it.

When I got back to my parents' house, I took it out but forgot to place it in water; a few days after that I found it lying around, still alive, and since we were getting ready to fly back, I stuck it in the front pocket of my luggage because I couldn't make myself throw it away. It was, after all, like a little weed.

I was aware that technically I am not supposed to fly in with a plant from another country but I knew it was going to dry up and I thought I would maybe press it between the pages of a book.

When we arrived, I found it again although I kept forgetting about it, and I placed it in water. It formed roots. She ended up in a pot ...and I have it to this day, now multiplied in other pots too.

A beautiful lavender colored sedum that comes back year after year.

To this day, I have no idea how it made it after all those trials. Invincible - she wanted to stay with me. It's as if it has my grandmother's spirit - and she never leaves me, no matter what.

It will be the same with your mom. She has not left you, I promise.

We are stuck thinking of things in a certain way, but truth is - we would be too arrogant to believe our limited senses already know it all.

There is light out there, RaeAnee, and you should believe that. You will eventually see it again.

RaeAnna, I wish I knew what to say that might help you. I feel so worried about you., and sad for you. I hope you will get in touch with a professional.

@RaeAnna,

I understand how you feel as your life has changed, it has been unpleasant this change, and you dont know how to fill it up again with love and goodness. . I would encourage you to go outside the home daily to the park, to dinner,, anywhere that you can in your area, for walks,for fresh air, fresh light in your life, fresh experiences, and see what new goodness in life exists, and people can be in your life. God leading, you may find some new beauty awaiting you. As one door closes in our lives another one opens. Count your blessings! What do you have that is good? You have life and talents to give to others! You are a kind and caring person. You have a whole community of rose lovers here that love you! You have beautiful loving dogs who love you! Can you think of more blessings you have? It is good to love and miss your mother but you need to try to go forward now. Your mother would want you to live this precious life she introduced you to.

please email me and we can chat more. I am here for you. audreymk2@gmail.com We are all here for you. BTW, you are the most beautiful individual and your heart is so big-you can learn to love again. God has many lovely people in this world for you to love and to love you-just waiting to meet you! We dearly love you! Much love, Kitty

RaeAnna - you need to talk and talk and talk and do and do. Being alone in a lonely house feels good because you feel so bad. But your wonderful mother doesn't want that for you. So for doing...do some things in your mom's memory....things she liked to do. For example, if she loved to walk...go for a walk and imagine her walking beside you...for she is always with you. Make a memory board with things that you love about her and with things that she would want for you. Do at least one thing every day that feels like something your mom would want you to do or that would make you feel like she's with you. Smile, laugh, cry, talk to her while you're doing these things.

I think you should talk to us here every day and tell us the one thing you did in your mom's memory, and in that way we can learn about her. Talk to us about your mom. Talk and talk and talk. These are things you need to do. Will you commit to reaching out to us every day? Please?

If we don't hear from you while you're suffering so much, we think the worst. So for your sake, your mom's sake (she doesn't want you to suffer) and for our sakes, please reach out to us. Much love, Carol

Carol, Thank you.Wonder ideas.

RaeAnna, Please reach out to us. We love you.Wishing you well today and many blessings.

RaeAnna, so relieved to hear from you. Carol has given really good tips. Even doing one small thing a day like posting here will help you get through this. I know it is so hard when everything feels so forever dark. You may get lost in thinking about what could have been done differently, what more you could have done to prevent this tragedy or who is to blame. But remember, RaeAnna, it is not your fault.

I went for a walk this morning and saw a toy penguin alone on a park bench in the sun.

For some reason, I thought about you. Maybe you can post something you see outside too?

@RaeAnna

Lovely idea of Tina’s…photograph & post things you see outside daily, here ! The world is ever changing and there is so much good outside. The sun is shining today even though weather says it is 63F. I am wearing shorts & my bedroom is sunny hot , too. Is it hot for you livibg on a tropical island? I think it is beautiful where you live in tropical paradise!

Today, I need to take Anastasia my dog for a walk so she gets her energy out. You remember my white big poodle. She’s such a handful bundle of energy. i am sure your many beautiful white dogs are full of energy, too. How are your pooches? They are so beautiful!

My tropical plants I try to grow in my inside/outside gardens below…

My Maypop Passion Flower (part of my sm tropical garden-will be moved inside.) I think of you RaeAnna, when I see my tropical plants… this one is for you. How is your garden? Any tropical plants?

My tropical plants started this year… just bought a few new ones lately….One can always start anew? Would you like some new plants? Ehat kinds would you like?

My new orchid (for Carol & RaeAnna)

African Violet & Streptocarpus

Mandevilla (I think they come in orange and vibrant colors, too?

Winter hibiscus (Kinda like tropical hibiscus)

RaeAnna, have you tried tropical hibiscus?

Wishing you blessings and lovely new beginnings!

RaeAnna, I was reading about living in Trinadad & Tabago and learned how dedicated family members are to each other. I see how devited you are to your mother. In US we embrace family and friends in our families-it’s a little different. Here on Houzz-You are part of ”Our Rose forum family.” We really care about you & love you! You are dear to us! please continue to write to us and enjoy your life with us. And if you ever wish to visit the US-I have a big home w/many bedrooms. I would love to have you come stay and enjoy a visit with me? (Its warm here in NY until Dec-March-kinda snowy .) The warm season is April-Nov. much love, Kitty ❤️❤️❤️

@RaeAnna I hope you don't feel pressure to be okay for anyone on here. People on here care for about you, but you don't owe us anything at all. If you don't want to talk to us, that's okay, if you don't want to check in, that's okay. We are not your obligation. I hope you seek a professional to help you, that can make a huge difference if you're open to it. Your only responsibility right now is to yourself and getting healthy again for your own sake. It's hard to take care of other peoples' want and needs before yours are taken care of, and right now you've got a lot to process and deal with. Come back when you're ready, in whatever capacity that is, only when you want to. Good luck with everything 💙

Kitty - your pictures are FABULOUS!!! Your pink hibiscus and your passiflora are my favorites...other than the glamorous Anastasia!! That orchid is really, really beautiful!! Let us know how it does for you...orchids are finicky aren't they?

Well said Magpie.

.

Got my 3rd replacement rose from J&P. It looks like a nice plant and there is one bud so I can see if it is the right rose this time.

Fingers crossed for Sweet Spirit

Kristine - I hope they sent you the right rose this time! :) :)

Thank you, I agtee-well said, -Magpie!

Kristine, Lovely new rose. Wishibg you the best that it is Sweet Spirit! And grows well. It looks prettybin it’s new pot.

There is a bud so we will see shortly if it is the right rose. Heres hoping.

I'm crossing my fingers and toes. LOL

RaeAnna, if you are checking in, just want to say that we miss our island girl.

Hi Kristine, that’s so sweet of you ❤️
I’m here… thanks all for the support and prayers, and your thoughts. I’m not doing well. Everyday is the most difficult battle I’ve ever had to endure but, I’m still here. I found photos of my mom from her hospital stay and it broke me entirely. I still can’t bring myself to share the details. I don’t know if I ever will.

Just checking in to say hi 👋🏽

I hope you can read or garden RaeAnna to help you cope with your grief. So sorry you and your Mom had to go through all this.

Just thinking of you RaeAnna.

I'm proud of you for checking in. That's hard to do when you're feeling so totally destroyed. When you're ready, we'd love to hear a few things that were special about your mom.

@RaeAnna

, It’s so lovely to hear from you! Sending you a few gift roses!

Munstead Wood

Parade Day

Sheila’s Perfume

The title of the discussion

https://www.houzz.com/discussions/6323342/caught-my-eye-yesterday#n=3, 

which was started just 10 hours ago, evokes the title of this discussion.