I see some people who have legions of friends. Others have only a few. I think much depends on your own personality and needs. Certainly, I've been disappointed by a friend's actions or lack of action, but part of friendship is understanding that no one is perfect and forgiving those small hurts in service of a greater joy. I'm not suggesting ignoring truly harmful actions by a friend, of course.

I agree that some people enjoy a wonderful friendship with their spouse, children or siblings and probably don't put as much effort into making friends external to their family.

I have 3 friends that I can call true friends - but I'm not the going out and spending the day with friends type of person. We each have very different lives. I'm happy with a lunch here and there, but they all also know if they nee to vent or talk about anything any time I'm there for them, as they are for me. We miss each other when we are apart and keep in touch via social media, but aren't physically together as often as we used to be. Interestingly enough 2 of them work at the same place I do, but we are always so busy. But I think the most important thing I've learned about people is not to expect one friend to meet all my needs - different friends meet different needs, and I'm okay with that. Maybe we meet each others' emotional needs I think. And oddly enough, I seem to attract younger female friends more than those my age.

I have always considered friends like a special treat vs. people I know. We each have our own lives. Enjoy being with each other when we can but there is no requirement physically or mentally to as the saying goes "live in each others pockets". If you need affirmation from others you are not a friend. It does help if they tell you either directly of even a question within their voice, now email, that perhaps you need to rethink it.

I am an only child so friends have always been my "family". My friends tend to be Iong term and very close. I am very particular about who I spend time with and am fine being on my own; I would prefer being alone to spending time with just anyone.

I've always been drawn to large, boisterous, chaotic families (meaning just the chaos of lots of people together, as opposed to being an only child), often Catholic or Mormon families who love being together can have fun with each other. I usually become friends with one in a family and then am drawn in by the rest.

I am very close with my girlfriends. I have a number of close lesbian couple friends and so get the bonus of two girlfriends for the price of one, though I'm usually much closer to one in the couple. My friends sustain me and I do my best to be a great friend to them, too. I think it works out well for all of us. I have around 10 really close intimate friends who mostly originated from different times and places in my life, so I have a pretty steady stream of one on one girlfriend time and activities (pre-covid).

Now I am only seeing 4 of them in very restricted/distanced circumstances. What we can do is restricted by not wanting to travel together in one car, so even outdoor activities are not happening. Like often traveling to garden nurseries around the area, or going birdwatching together, etc. It's just not as much fun to drive 2 cars to a destination.

It seems like all of my friends have moved away or died. I can't seem to find any new ones since becoming a widow. I think we can only find good friends from School or work.

I have some close friends though only one that I see on a very regular basis. I'm sure it makes a difference that we are both retired, and have a great deal in common. She is actually the wife of a man who had a horse at the same barn I did. We met over a group dinner and really hit it off. She has her own life, of course, and keeps pretty busy. I am single so maybe more available on short notice than others might be. I treasure out time together. I also have close friends of 50 years or more who do not live in the same city as I but we connect all the time.

I was saying recently that if a friend is married, I will rarely call them (I usually text to see what's going on). I feel that they are probably tending to their families and have less time for "chatting". They know they can call me whenever they like and I have plenty going on myself so I may or may not be available to talk. That's just the way I feel about it.

I have friends that I run/hike with or go for coffee/lunch with. But, I have no expectations from those friendships except respect and kindness towards me. If you're going to be late call me kind of thing.

If one of my friends needs something I will deliver but expect nothing in return. If I'm in the hospital I don't expect them to visit or if I need a drive somewhere that's what a cab is for.

I had friends years ago when I was young. None of them were all that good of a friend though...like fair weather friends only. After a while, I just stayed away from trying to form friendships. I spend all of my time with my husband when he's not working. I have acquaintances that I talk with like at the dog park and we enjoy chit chatting but do not do things together, they are all married and have their families. I consider my 3 sisters and one cousin to be my best friends. We don't see each other but can spend hours talking on the phone or emailing. I just prefer to spend my time with my husband and vice versa.

No Joann, that can't be right. Don't lose heart, there are others out there who would value your friendship. (I do feel like that though, in my own situation)

I would also like to state that the two people I consider my closest friends are both male. I was never a girly girl so having a girlfriend although I had friends who were female just never happened.

The same for me. One of my very best friends of the last 20+ years is a woman, one who is not one of my wife's friends. I've had female friends of my own all my life. I like it, I like women!

Sometimes friends mean more to you than you to them and vice versa.

I have a friend that I met through a friend in my neighborhood. They lived across the street from each other and around the corner from me.

If you ask "B' about her friendship with me she would fill the page with accolades about how close we are and what good friends we are etc. The truth for me is that although we are friends, she is not the one I would turn to ask for advice or share something personal. She has a habit of wanting to know intimate details that really have nothing to do with the story. I once asked why she wanted to know something and she describes it as inquisitive. What I would label nosy, she feels is inquisitive.

Why stay friends? We help each other out when needed. When we were stuck in Florida longer than intended she and her husband jumped right in to help us with things around my house. We have dog sat for each other, given rides to the airport etc.

We go out as couples. They enjoy trying new upscale restaurants as we do.

Moving on to another friend who I know the longest and was the biggest disappointment. After going through an unexpected major operation, she just wasn't there for me. Because of that, we drifted apart. What I realized is that she could still be a friend, just not the friend I thought she was. So I demoted her. I still enjoy our telephone conversations and various discussions, I just don't put her in the good friend category.

These are just two examples. I think it would take something really major to write someone off.

Joann, I know you have mentioned your lack of social life in other posts and I feel for you. A few years ago I realized that I needed to branch out and broaden my circle of friends. I joined a Meet Up for women in their 50's and 60's that hosted a book club, by saying yes to one invitation from a gym friend it turned into being part of that circle.

I also feel that if I am to have friends I have to be flexible. Some of my friends still work full time and their time is limited. To be friends I have to be the one to make it work. And is worth it for me to do so.

I always worry about women (and men) who say they have no friends but their spouse. It's a lonely world when one of you dies and you are left alone, with no close friends to help fill the void. It's sometimes much more difficult to find/make new friends in our older years and if one doesn't have a history of being a friend and/or maintaining friendships, that can make it even harder.

Oly, I agree. It is not impossible to make new friends, it just takes longer to cultivate them. It took years before I made friends at my gym after going regularly 3 times a week. Older women gravitate toward each other. But I have to admit that I am too shy to usually make the first move. When a first offer is made to go for coffee after the class, I made it a point to go! Even if it meant changing my schedule. Looking back, I missed many opportunities, so going forward, I am more cognisant.

I have lots of friends and feel blessed. Some call me, I call some and many of them are older than me. I have one very close friend living near me. And 2 friends that live 3 hours from me, only because we moved north. I may not talk to everyone every day or even every month, but they are still my good friends.

Then I have my DH and 4 kids and their spouses, I text a lot with the kids. DH has 5 sisters and we talk with them, sometimes weekly.

So I feel truly blessed and can’t wait to get back to visiting and playing cards and going to lunch with my friends and celebrating the holidays with our family!

eld6161

...< >...

Moving on to another friend who I know the longest and was the biggest disappointment. After going through an unexpected major operation, she just wasn't there for me. Because of that, we drifted apart. What I realized is that she could still be a friend, just not the friend I thought she was. So I demoted her. I still enjoy our telephone conversations and various discussions, I just don't put her in the good friend category.

~~~

Isn't it odd? I said I'd never had a friend who let me down. After reading this I realised that a friend DID let me down and it was just last year. Unlike my sister I haven't dropped him -- it's a man this time. After he mentioned that something is "wrong" -- I told him what was bothering me and he really just let it slide by. I'll just say it was a major issue, not something that was open to interpretation.

Since then each time we have met I try to go on as if nothing happened -- I want to see if I can continue for the good things that have been in our friendship. Sorry to say, I can't. Previously, whenever he came to the city and asked if I wanted to meet for coffee or lunch I joined him. And I invited him to gatherings where he knew other people. Now, if I see his number on the display I sometimes pick up and talk and sometimes I just let it ring.

Sorry, bluesblue, I'm sure that your experiences with this person were hurtful as well as very disappointing.

I can be cynical at times but I'm tempted to think that he maybe was never a friend and may have been nothing more than an acquaintance. My experience with true friendship is that often people can be more careful and caring about their friends than even about their siblings and other family members (excluding partners). Relatives are relatives, the connotation is quite different from what's mean by saying "a friend".

I hope and I'm sure you have better friends who are more thoughtful toward you.

For some reason, most of my friends are women, and most of them are married, it seems. Sometimes I am also friends with the husbands, but generally I am better friends with the women. I enjoy shopping with them and helping them pick out dresses or clothes, and their husbands often are appreciative of this, as they do not seem to enjoy helping their wives pick out clothes. Since I was in the fashion industry for some time, this is something I have a lot of experience with, however.

I would like to have more male friends, but it seems easier to make friends with women, and I'm not exactly sure why. I'm a very non-threatening type of person, and so women seem to feel comfortable approaching me. I think they also may be attracted by the way I dress, which I think is very different from most men, depending on where I am. When I was in Las Vegas for work at a Hospitality Convention, I decided to use that opportunity to wear some of my flashier clothes, as I had a lot of shirts that were sequined or lamé, and I had these mainly for wearing to parties, but I felt that they would be appropriate for wearing to dinner in Las Vegas. When I dressed this way, I met a lot of women in the elevator of the hotel where I was staying, and my employer was jealous that I kept meeting women because that was what he wanted to do, but it didn't happen for him, except at strip clubs. Even my brother does not get approached by women as much as I do.

I think it is easier for me to be friends with women because I seem to have more in common with them. I noticed this much more on the East Coast than I do in California, but I have found it difficult to maintain long-term friendships with men here, whereas women seem to be more loyal friends with me. When I was younger, I enjoyed being friends with men that I could play tennis with or go hiking or mountain biking with, but I don't do that as much as I used to. These days, it is just easier to go shopping with female friends.

I have two real woman friends. We met at a playground when our children were young. We all worked and had young families. I am so thankful that somehow even with our crazy schedules at the time we crossed each other’s paths.

One moved out to Minnesota 15 years ago, but the three of us are still connected. We all are still very busy, and with this C19, I haven’t seen the other much, but when we talk it’s as if we’ve seen each other just yesterday.

Besides these two I have always been closer friends with men.

I have a best friend from high school that tho I seldom see her any more, when I do, it is always just like it was only yesterday. We just pick up where we left off. Our goal has been, for several years, to once again go horseback riding together, but every time we plan, something else comes up. Now I am pretty much at home all the time and can't leave, due to Jody's physical health being bad.

I also had several lesbian friends for years and I got along with them better than my straight friends.

In the '70's, I had several gay male friends. Unfortunately I lost them all in the early '80's to AIDS. (I also lost my sister-in-law to it plus several acquaintances.)

I have always had platonic male friends, and still do, even tho I moved farther away. They fell into two categories that I call "plants and junk", except for one that I have known 40+ years. The plant friends I met thru waterlilies and the junk friends I know thru going to flea markets together.

I actually prefer male friends for the most part.

I have long time friends from work, some of them from when I was a teenager. I have some close friends from grade school and high school. We get together a few times a year but communicate almost daily with many of them on Facebook or on the phone. Then there are my 4 girlfriends I grew up with, went to their weddings, watched their children grow up. We would be there for each other at the drop of a hat. Out of the 4 girls I am closest to one of them, we have known each other since we were toddlers. I have neighbour friends who often stop by to chat. One couple in particular I cherish their friendship more than anything. About 20 years ago I had to cut a long term male friend from my life, someone I was with almost everyday. Just so negative about everything. No black and white, just black. You say how pretty something is, they say look at the ugly weeds. I just couldn't take it anymore. My next door neighbour was the same. I am so glad she moved. There has to be something in life to be happy about. I didn't want to be swallowed up by their misery.

My closest friend right now is my 2nd cousin. She is just a year older than I am. We spent a lot of time together with another cousin when we were children, then during teenage years and then as adults we didn't see each other. When her Mom died she wanted to be connected to family so she reached out and we have been close since then, our shared cousin lives out of town but we see her as often as we can and our personalities are so different than each other haha. Almost weekly she picks me up and we go for a drive, stop for takeout and go sit by the water. Our best times are when we get lost on county roads. I love all my friends, even the ones I have never met in person like long time forum friends.

I'm so glad I started this topic (thank you, myself!)

Like some of you, I have friends I haven't seen for years because they live thousands of miles away and I still name them as best friends. I'm sure that life has changed them but our lives were intertwined and we know each other in a way unique to each other. But sometimes I will say, "I have a friend who..." and at that moment I realise that it isn't REALLY a friend, it's a special acquaintance or an acquaintance. With friends we see often, I read a point of view that we shouldn't expect too much and then we won't be disappointed. I might say that about my own view but it isn't true. We can go on for years, "not expecting too much." But you can be let down and disappointed even if you didn't consciously expect a friend to step up to the plate. Overall, I have dear friends, friends, special acquaintances and all the rest. It's kind of odd to think about it like that.

It takes a long time to develop a true friendship. And, for me, the test is when the going gets rough who is really there for you in a way YOU need them to be? A good friend inherently knows what you need. You are on the same page.

An example I mentioned in my other post, when I had unexpected major surgery, three friends jumped in and took me out to dinner immediately and I felt "the wagons were circling." Another friend quickly made plans for lunch, which is how we usually meet.

But, it was my oldest friend who felt that cards and flowers and phone calls were enough. And, yes, I did appreciate them but it was not what I needed from her. I received many bouquets, cards, and phone calls but most of these people lived afar. Not so with this friend.

I think my initial reaction when someone goes through something major is to want to be by their side.

Another good friend had uterine cancer a few years ago. I did not tell her I was going to visit her. The hospital was in the city and so not local. Her daughter was so glad I just came! Other friends asked permission to come and of course, my friend told them it was okay not to.

I have met one of my dearest friends here on the Gardenweb. She had mentioned her region where she lived, and I asked the direct question where?, and it turned out that she lived within 10 miles from my house. We met up togehter, and had the instant chemistry.

She was nothing at all like me and I am nothing at all like her, but we loved each other very much until she tragically died too young.

I have two close femaie friends. We me through our husbands. Two of us are still working while the other is retired. One has no children, the other has one child and no grandchildren. We text and talk a few times a month. Before Covid, we would do spur of the moment Girls' Night Out 4-6 time a year. Since Covid, the three of us have gotten together once for a 60th birthday. We talk at least once a week now and text sporadically throughout the week. They are my rocks.

I also a very close childhood friend. Though we live close by, we get toghether once or twice a year and chat on the phone a few more times.

In both cases, I know I can count of these women and I will do anything for them. They are true friends. We have had our disagreements and disappointed each other over the years but we forgive and move on. Nothing short of betrayal is worth sacrificing their friendship.

I have a plethora of acquaintances. If I want company to go antique browsing or to grab a cocktail, it is readily available. I live in the same town I grew up in so it is easy. If anything, sometimes I would just like to be anonymous.

I’ve known my 2 closest friends for so long I think of them as family now. It’s also great that they get along with each other too, and can disprove the saying that’s two’s company three’s a crowd when we have our occasional collective getogethers.

In addition to that I have a small group of x work friends that I meet up with a few times a year, and email or message in between.

Whatever relationships I’ve been in, I’ve always had friends separate to that. I think I need an alternative world as I find it energises me a lot more than doing things solely as a couple.

I don’t know what makes friendships work, and you never know how long they’ll last, I just know I’ve always felt that they’re very important to me.

Thinking back over the years I have lost a few good friends through moving and geographical distancing, and even now I do still occasionally think about them and wonder how they’re doing. Had I had a computer at the time perhaps we would have stayed in touch?

As far as expectations are concerned, yes, one, don’t be consistently late for prearranged appointments. One budding friendship with a neighbour nosedived pretty quickly as she seemed unable to tell the time. Pet peeve.

I generally prefer men -- and women who are of a more serious nature. I'm not a 'girly girl'. I don't 'do lunch', play cards, knit, do yoga. I'm agnostic. Sooo...you can see I'm not *meeting* a lot of women in their natural habitats. I have old friends who are female -- friends from childhood, from the neighborhood where we raised our son, from volunteer work in days past.

Have a really close friend, who I included in many social events. I
introduced her to a longtime neighbor/friend and they have become very
close. They share the same political base, which I rarely engage either
in. Neighbor ended up bashing me on social media, in a very rude,
uncalled for way. My friend was having a debate with another of my
friends, as they often do and neighbor interjected that I should defend
my friend and called me all sorts of names. No great loss there,
unfortunate though.

Now my friend seems to have pulled away and
still spends time with my name calling neighbor. I just cannot deal! I
have always been a good friend, I didn't deserve the vitriol that was
spewed and that my friend seemingly condones it.

Have I returned to junior high school???

nycefarm -- your question "Have I returned to junior high school?

That's intriguing. I don't know if it happens in men's friendships but some women feel possessive about their "best friend." If I happen to meet Ana when she's with Louise, even just to stop and chat on the street, I never say anything that implies that Ana is my one of my dearest friends! Ana values Louise as a friend but Louise needs to be the one and only -- and we are all Senior citizens! High school!

"I don't know if it happens in men's friendships but some women feel possessive about their "best friend."

It sounds a bit odd to me, that isn't an emotion I've ever had. The notion of a "best friend" is odd if you think about it. Hopefully we all have good friends, some are better or closer friends than others are and it can change over time. To designate publicly or mentally that someone is a "best friend" does sound juvenile.

I have that sentiment in a strong way when I hear people talking about a sibling, a parent/child, or even (gasp) a partner saying "s/he is my best friend". I always want to respond aloud "Oh really? That person isn't your friend!" Some day I will.