Hard time living with boyfriend and his kids

5 years ago

last modified: 5 years ago

Hi! I'm living with my boyfriend and his two kids, under 5yo. He has the custody and the mother isn't really present, he basically raised them himself. She only sees them a few hours every week, if she doesn't make up so excuse and cancel. She doesn't do anything for them besides spoiling them with sweets and toys those few hours. They come back frustrated, agitated, and pick up all sorts of bad habits/words. Nevertheless, the kids love her and are always excited to see her. When I moved in I knew how my life would change. I'm Basically living for them as if they were my own and I try to do all I can so my partner can relax (he's Job is pretty demanding) and we still get some time together. It's all of their everyday needs (wake up with them, cleaning, taking care of laundry, food, meals, changing diapers and their "accidents", taking care of them when they're sick) and I also get involved in their education (I follow my partner's ways) . Both kids have always accepted me and listened and we've grown close to each other. Theyve come to rely on me too when they need something. On a very few occasions over the past year, they've told me that 'i was a mommy' . It only happened very few times, normally they call me by my name. However, even though I should feel lucky but I can't seem to feel happy about it and I don't know why. Seeing that we are close but I'm not their mother and being reminded of it just makes me sad. Sometimes I resent it too, it's even hard to see pictures of them when they were babies (before I met him), mothers day is a sad day too, going to kindergarten and seeing other parents is hard. I feel extremely frustrated every time my partner interacts with his ex (even though it's limited to the basics as she doesn't get involved nor coparents). I try to control it but it's hard and it's not about him nor her (I never interact with her besides a few hellos). I also resent the fact that he had kids with her, and I cant seem to féel fully happy whenever we share fun time because the kids aren't ours but his, and we don't share them (he has stated he would like kids in the future,although Im afraid he will change his mind once they grow up a bit and he'd prefer to have time for just us). Sometimes it's like I feel I have no right to be happy for them, to act like a parent, to care for them, even to say I miss them or love them, or take pictures with them. Anyway, I don't know how to change the way I feel, my partner is 100% supportive and always tried his best to make me happy but I don't know how to get rid of this resentment nor where it comes from. I know it's not the kids nor what I do, it's my own choice and Id do anything for them, overall I am very happy, I just hate feeling frustrated or resentful sometimes. Any advice?

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Comments (4)

Bluebell66
5 years ago
last modified: 5 years ago
You need to get to the root of why you aren't 100% happy. My guess it's that you don't really have a commitment....that everything could be taken away. Or maybe underneath it all, even though you love the kids, you're resentful you're doing all the work but you're not the parent. If you can't figure it out yourself, perhaps counseling is in order - for you, not couples counseling.
helen thanked Bluebell66
Eileen Lamparelli
5 years ago
Why is he not marrying you? Are you being played for a babysitter?
helen thanked Eileen Lamparelli
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I'm sorry, thirteen years old is TOO old to still be holding his dad's hand and laying his head on his shoulder. Ewwww. There are so many problems with this relationship. - he babies his THIRTEEN year old son - his son is jealous of you - he pays for everything for his son when he already gives BM child support - he pays for BM's expenses - thinks he abandoned his family - he did not abandon his family but because he feels this way BM will use this to her advantage to squeeze more money out of him - because he feels guilty he will probably let his son get away with bad behavior - pays all this CS and BM does not support her child It's funny that your BF says he gives BM all this money because he had no reason to have money for himself or save, yet he can barely afford to pay his half of the bills. There is always a reason to save. He is giving BM all his money to his own detriment. What will he do if something unexpected were to happen to himself - car repair, medical bill? What is he saving for retirement? You are right this relationship will hold you back. You're young, you're 23, you have your whole life ahead of you. The only problem is you have fallen in love with him so you can't see that this relationship will not work. My story - I dated a man for two years that had a 8 year old son. Because he felt guilty that he didn't see his son every day, he spoiled him. His son was spoiled and treated like a little adult. BF even let him sleep in the bed with him! I was like this kid is TOO big to still be sleeping with you. This kid was always walking on the furniture and jumping on things. I told BF his son was TOO big to be doing that, but BF was like what's the big deal? Those couches are old anyway. Don't you know one time BF and I were laying bed watching TV, and his kid JUMPS into the bed, and lands right on my shin! I screamed because this kid was heavy and it really hurt when he landed on my leg. I told BF that was the reason why he needed to stop this kid from jumping on things all the time. Needless to say, BF continued to be a guilty/lazy parent. He would not make his son mind. I have two daughters of my own, and I made them listen. I disciplined them when they needed it. BF never wanted to discipline his son because he "didn't want to ruin the limited amount of time" they had together. As a result, his son was rude, spoiled, and never did what he was told. In addition, he too, struggled fiancially to pay his bills because of CS. He was very eager for me and my daughters to move in with him. He kept saying how wonderful it would be to have someone to share the bills with. I realized he was more interested in me helping him pay his bills than in sharing a life together. Eventually I broke up with BF. It was hard at first, because I loved BF so much, but as time went on, it got better. I realized I would not have been happy. And that's what you have to think about. Are you really happy in this relationship with the way things are? Sure, when the son's not around, things are probably great, but the real test of a relationship is not when things are good, it's when things are bad. And what if dad decides to get more time with his son? That's what happened to me. I never in a million years thought my BF would get more time with his son. His BM depended on CS too much, or so we thought. Don't you know one day she tells BF she is too busy with work and school to handle the son and lets BF have him. So BF went from every other weekend to his son to having him 24/7. I knew I could not handle dealing with his son on a daily basis. Sure, he didn't have to pay CS anymore, but getting full custody brought on a whole another set of problems. I was not ready to deal with a kid that I did not raise, that did not want to listen to me and that I could not discipline the way he needed to be. The way I dealt with the situation is I ended it. I know that's not what you want to hear, but now that I am able to look back I realize it was the right decision.
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I think your relationship is young and 4 months living together is still fresh. So the only advice i can give you is what i usually do with my husband. I constantly tell him that if he treats one child like that he must do it as well to the other and if he doesn't then he doens't have my support what so ever. My dh does this to his kids ALL the time. He will always favor his daughter over his son. and even our biochild over his son. He has this negative attitude i see with his own son andi dont like it. Example: he wnats to take his daughter out ot a museum. Wheni hear it said over the phone i assumed it was a family thing...silly me.....he only wants to take her out. We had a scrap out about it htis week. He says i'm jealous...HAHHAhlalllol...i told him im not an insecure woman and in fact i usually encourage outtings alone with both kids. My problem is that he only wants her to go and to leave his son at home iwth me. This will create feeligns of abandonment and jealousy and anger towards my dh. I told him...you want go ahead..but you are dissing your own son yet again! 'oh he wont like the museum' i told him doesn't matter. Your taking her and not him. I've already seen the exhibit...can go again anytime, my son is way too young and would just be trouble...but at least ask your son if he wants to go....its awful. My sd is demanding too of attention and yes my hubby does fall from tie to time. The only thing you can do is talk to him and remind him...but in the end...its him. There was one instant , i wanted to 'teach' them both a lesson, father and daughter...so i took my ss out with me the entire day even though his sister protested and my husband came crawling to me in the kitchen (this was 6 years ago) telling me , maybe its best if i take both kids as a treat...i said sorry, no room, and choose your son...you can have more time with your daughter. Oh boy....were they huffy puffy and every once in a while i would do this. Another suggestion is to make more group time and also alone time with Sd and him. That way she doesn't always take control of the situ.
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Hi mom-of-all-trades, thank you for the well wishes regarding my husband. A few things however I believe you misunderstood about my position in all of this. He is free and clear to spend as much time with them as he wants to, they are the ones who cut contact with us when he told them to stop lying all the time and stealing from us. They blocked us on facebook and the youngest has moved away and never let us know her contact info. The oldest refuses to tell us when asked. Husband has already extended the olive branch as it were twice without success. The ball is in their court... The youngest never really wanted anything to do with her half siblings and is so far gone in her relationship with her father that he doubts she will ever make contact again. (long story). The oldest still lives with her mother and her mother decided that she doesn't like me because I helped my husband not be a doormat to her and the demands for money that she would have just pissed away for herself (he wasn't required to pay child support and they are both over 18) and guilt she still tried to lay upon him regarding his older children. His oldest seems to have learned how to behave from her mother regarding the stealing, lying and manipulating. I didn't really have a problem with her spending time with my daughter until I started noticing things missing from my house. She even stole a pair of my husband's shoes. New ones that he just bought. Stealing not just from him, but from me as well. When confronted about it, lying and acting outraged at even being accused even though some of the stuff later appeared in her house. This is not the type of person either me or my husband want in our house regardless if she is his daughter. If she ever realizes that she needs to clean up her act and be honest and not steal, then she will be welcome again. And she has been told this. She isn't only hurting us, she is hurting her half-siblings with every item she takes that we have to replace. I have made it clear that I value honesty highly and at this point it is too hard for her to accept. We will see what happens in the future but like I said, I have a strong gut feeling that it will not. Regards NadineV PS, there is a lot more information about what led to this situation in my two previous posts if anyone is interested.
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ThereÃ¢ÂÂs a difference between keeping the peace for the sake of the kids, and what your BF is doing. ThereÃ¢ÂÂs no reason not to introduce you to his family. As you say, there is nothing more exwife can do that she isnÃ¢ÂÂt already doing. And even if they did have kids together, thatÃ¢ÂÂs not a reason to allow someone to hold something over your head such as not agreeing to sell the land. There are ways to deal with an ex-wife (such as filing contempt charges if she refuses to sign) that don't involve taking it up the you-know-what from your ex. I understand BF does not want to ruin his credit, hence the reason heÃ¢ÂÂs still paying the mortgage on the property. But sometimes you have to chew off your foot in order to get out of the trap. I was in the same situation with my exH. Both of our names were on the mortgage even though I was the only paying on it. I could not get a divorce if we were still living together in the same residence. He refused to move out, so I did. I did this even though I I knew there was a chance he would stop paying on the mortgage, ruining both of our credits. Well, thatÃ¢ÂÂs what happened, but I was willing to sacrifice my credit to get out of the marriage. And I talked to an attorney about it who told me itÃ¢ÂÂs common course for a personÃ¢ÂÂs credit to be ruined in a divorce. In this economy people are more forgiving of a less than perfect credit score, and unless your BF needs to buy a house or car in the near future he shouldnÃ¢ÂÂt worry so much about it. ItÃ¢ÂÂs been two years since my divorce and you know what my credit score is? 686 - not bad for someone with a foreclosure, right? And how would exwife find out if you were introduced to his family? If she is still in contact with your BF's family that is something else to be concerned about as well.
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Kim Aves
5 years ago
last modified: 5 years ago
First of all, I'm guessing you are too young to be in a situation such as this--a free babysitter, with extra benefits for dad.

You can debate the benefits or lack of benefits or morality of living together all you want. But, pro- or con-, the reality of the situation is when you are living with a man and taking care of someone else's children, there is no "legit." relationship there to protect you. And, by "legit.," I mean a recognizably legal and binding relationship.

Having been a step-mom for years and blogging quite frequently with other step-moms, it is difficult enough to be married to a man, a wife to this man, and yet at the same time be a "step-mom." Like it or not, the term "wife," does give you a legitimacy that the term SO or girlfriend does not. "Wife" means you are in it for the long-haul vs. possibly just daddy's flavor-of-the-month.

You have to look at these things from the kids' perspective. Realistically, most of them don't want to or have trouble even accepting dad's wife. Even though it may be years since the divorce and dad and his wife (step-mom) exchanged vows, they still carry this fantasy of mom and dad getting back together somehow, or feel that mom and dad are the real couple. Step-mom, on the other hand, is just dad's piece-on-the-side, so to speak. At least, when you are married, dad and his wife (step-mom) can push or say, "Hey!, we are married. We are a couple," to the kids, as a source of legitimacy. Over the years, the step-kids may come to accept this. I will add in here too, that with adult SKs, a long-term SO may and should take on the legitimacy of a married couple.

On the other hand, when you are younger, not working, just staying home taking care of someone else's kids, cripes!. What a life--you are giving up your life for someone else's kids!? Who wouldn't be resentful. Even if you are working, along with taking care of someone else's children, you are still sacrificing for them! Them, meaning a mom and dad who will use you, either on purpose, accidentally, or accidentally on purpose, to make things easier for them and their children. Where are you in all of this? No one, not even your SO, is really looking out for you!

Also, all kids tend to be cute and adorable when they are younger; however, as the kids get older, more than likely, their mom, whether she is largely absentee or not, will make sure her kids see her as the one and only real mom, and "real" mom will be in a position to poison the well with her children regarding how they feel about you--step-mom. Their dad may or may not be able to counter this. He may just sit there like a lump on a log and permit his ex- to run the show not only with the kids, but with him as well. Believe me, this happens often enough even with women who are married to dad. So, if you are not married to dad, you have no legit. rank with this family whatsoever, so you are at the end of the priority list every time.

You basically wind up being another family's lackey, or, as I mentioned above, a free-babysitter with extra benefits for dad. You wind up more as a concubine, kowtowing to the ex-wife and her ex-husband (your so-called SO). This is a not a life any young woman should sign up for. You could just wind up being collateral damage in another family's war with itself. And, no one wants to be just an asterisk in the life of someone they love.
helen thanked Kim Aves
helen
Original Author
5 years ago
last modified: 5 years ago
Thank you for your response. It's been very helpful and insightful. I know I should talk about it witj him, I just dont know how to proceed, we've only been together for a bit less than 2 years and I dont want to put pressure.

Thank you very much!

Hard time living with boyfriend and his kids

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Bluebell66

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Hard time living with boyfriend and his kids

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Bluebell66

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