How do you know these people were not out of pocket for funeral expenses including travel?

Because I’m part of the deceased’s nuclear family.

I don't know, but when my husband died unexpectedly at age 47, I was shocked to receive money in some cards. All I could think of was that in the days when most women didn't work outside the home, the loss of the breadwinner could be a financial disaster, so $ was to help for a while? We didn't have kids and I'd always worked, so I just thought it was odd. Sweet, but odd. I never send $ unless it's requested in lieu of flowers or for a special charity, etc. Then I don't usually send it directly to the family.

Perhaps the giver thought that the money would be passed on to the ones who were responsible for death expenses

Just thank the people. It may not be the families expenses that the people were concerned about although there are always unexpected expenses. It is traditional to send flowers in many areas but a nice arrangement is expensive and may be too much for some people to do.

Do not return any of the money for any reason. The $5.00 check I received from a retiree was to me more precious than the larger amount I received from one of my husband's brother's family.

The money was given to a brother living in Iowa. The deceased and his wife and children live in California, so I thought it was a bit strange that the brother’s friends gave him money. Just wondering about the practice.

Never heard of it before.

olychick, I'm sorry for your loss and that you had that experience in your life.

Money gifts for the family of someone who died? I've never ever ever heard of such a thing. It sounds quite odd.

I know in my case, after my Mom died I was given money by neighbours. I took care of my Mom for a long time and the neighbours wanted to do something for me so they went door to door unbeknownst to me to raise money so I could do something nice for myself. Other money was directed for the Alzheimer's Society. It was not easy excepting the money but they insisted. Another family member gifted me a new kitchen remodel because of caring for my Mom and the neighbours came together to help out with that as well with their knowledge and expertise. I was very overwhelmed by their thoughtfulness and that caring and thoughtfulness continued after members of the KT had a virtual kitchen shower for me. It was not unusual for neighbours to go door to door to raise money after the loss of a loved one, everyone knew everyone back then. I don't think that would happen today.

Cherry, that’s such a sweet story. I can understand people wanting to do something nice for you after taking such good care of your mother.

Some people see sending flowers that will just die as a waste of money. And they may or may not know if there's a charity or some where to donate in the decedent's name.

Whether the family needs the money or donates it, is entirely up to them.

But at the very least, those who donated thought enough of the decedent to make an effort to acknowledge.

Shambo, I'm sorry for your loss.

I know this practice is a bit regional but I find it weird. The only exceptions I could see is if a sudden death would create financial hardship for a family with young children.

But in that case a trust set up for the children's needs that people close to the family could donate to would make more sense.

I am also disgusted by all the go fund mes for funeral expenses etc.

May no longer happen in many areas of the world but is giving a token amount of money much different than friends and neighbors bringing food?

Gifts of food sounds odd too. My experience is that when people are invited to come visit, the hosting home arranges for food for guests.

The money and financial gestures mentioned above seem to have been more than token amounts.

Passing a hat (Go Fund Me) for funeral and other expenses, absent a situation concerning survivors so poor as to be nearly destitute, has always struck me as very tacky.

I think the gifts of food are because people feel that those grieving most likely don't feel up to cooking and might not be able to afford a lot of take-out food. Plus they may have additional family members staying with them who need to be fed and also puts a financial strain on the household.

I am just glad our family is more private. No big funerals, no long winded obituaries. When I go few people will know about it other than really close friends and family.

A friend's husband died unexpectedly last year. She waited a month before calling me to tell me. She, her son and her son's SO girlfriend were the only ones at the graveside. I find most of the people I know are like this.

Often celebrations of life are held at a later date. Those are hosted by family and close friends and end with a meal at a restaurant or larger venue.

I would find people swarming to gather at my home or dropping off food after a death invasive. But I do believe this is regional and cultural for some so whatever works for others is fine by me.

Perhaps they want to do something helpful but don't know what else to do under these circumstances.

I've never experienced it, but I think that sending money sends the wrong message. People's lives cannot be quantified in monetary values, and I think it is best to leave money out of it. If the family or the deceased wanted money to be donated to a certain charity, then that is a different matter, but to give money to survivors seems crass to me. This is something new to me.

People coming to the home of the bereaved (and often bringing food) is an expected Jewish custom, since those in grief are supposed to stay home for seven days and to receive guests, and are certainly not expected to spend time cooking. In Orthodox communities money is often collected at the synagogue and then given to the family as one sum.

It is a gift and token of caring. Different cultures have different traditions but any gift should be accepted graciously.

When each of my parents died, we received a few small checks/donations. The amounts were around $20-$25 and from people who didn’t send flowers. I am Catholic and masses can be specifically designated to a deceased individual to honor them. You would want these masses to be at your home church vs across town and they are often done to commemorate the diseased birthday etc. We used this money for masses.

I've never heard of giving money, but as mentioned above, when Jews mourn, sending food is traditional.

When I was growing up my parents always gave money to the families as funerals are expensive and money was not easy to come by for any of them. And losing someone typically means losing income as well. It's hardly like "winning a lottery" as elmer suggested...rather it's a way of expressing concern and helping to ease the pain of the financial loss in addition to the emotional one.

We recently gave a gift to a friend's son who lost his 21- yr old daughter to suicide. They had no money and certainly no life insurance for her. The funeral was very important to the entire family to help with their loss, but they couldn't afford one on their own, so people gladly helped out.

I suggest if someone gives you money after someone close to you passes, you accept it, say thank you and do with it as you wish. If you then want to donate it to a cause in memory of that person, that's fine.

Money is usually sent to families in this area instead of flowers. If sent to the family it is expected they will help offset expenses of the funeral. Most of the time the money is for a charity of the deceased, that is the way it was when my husband passed. Money was either designated for our church or for our little cemetery. Yes, many times food is sent to the family to help them with a meal at home. In this area there is no great place families can get together for the meal so many times a meal will be prepared and served at a church. The food is prepared and donated by the ladies and men of the church. It is a very nice tradition. Many times there are family there that have driven a long way to come and it gives family a chance to visit.

Sue

The Catholic Mass offering is what I grew up with. Some folks would go to the rectory and get a Mass Card for a particular Mass to be said for the souls of a departed person. There was a donation offered. Usually $20 for a High Mass on Sunday or $10 a Low Mass on a weekday. The names of those that the Mass was dedicated to were published in the Sunday bulletin and you were reminded to pray for them during the Sermon. In more modern times, cash was just put in a sympathy card and the family went to the rectory to make the donation. You needed to remember which family was or was not Catholic before sending a card.

If it was a case of "Oh, you say your brother just died, well here's $20" ... yes that's odd in most circumstances. If it's "Your brother died and his funeral is out of state and I know you don't have money for travel or flowers or anything to show your respects here's $20 to help" -- that's nice, but I don't hear of much that. Maybe I would if my financial circumstances were not so good, I don't know.

What I have heard multiple times, during my working years, is "X's brother just died after a long battle with cancer. Let's show 'X' some support by making a donation to the Cancer Society. Here's a card you can sign ... and put in a dollar or two." This happens whether or not the person 'X' personally values the gesture.

I guess I should have left the gift of the kitchen remodel out of this, it wasn't because my Mother died, it was because of the care and love she received in life. Believe me, it is hard to take any kind of monetary gift except maybe a small monetary gift in a card from a family member on your birthday or Christmas. As for the gift from the neighbours, it was approximately $100. I did tell my neighbour who brought the money and card to me that I couldn't take it. She said she couldn't return it. I did give it all to the Alzheimer's Society who taught me the skills I needed to know how to care for my Mom and I told my neighbours I used the money to get my hair cut and coloured so I would look presentable to go look for a job.

Around here, the family usually designates one or two charities that people can donate to in memory of the deceased. I've never heard of money being sent directly to the family.
Our Jewish friends sit shiva (as it's called), but usually only for a couple of days, not a whole week. There is food in abundance, supplied both by the family and by those who visit the home.

I've witnessed it among some relatives, friends and neighbors. I don't judge their choices or traditions.

My immediate family considers the gift of time (service). There's so much that can be done in lieu of money or flowers, especially for elderly widows/widowers.

Don't disappear after the funeral! A family usually has many needs as they grieve and adjust to day to day life.

And to the caregivers here, thank you for your love, compassion and generosity.

Maybe it is regional, I don't know, but certainly taking a covered dish to the home of the newly bereaved when visiting is accepted and welcomed.

Yes, a covered dish is very common here in the mid-west. As is a cake or pastries and now I am seeing things like platters of Panera Bread sandwiches and gift cards for drive-through foods.

Why question the generous offering of anyone? If people wish to show their feelings by sending someone money, accept it and say thanks. As for the GoFundMe, why do you care if someone starts one or someone contributes? If you don't want to, then you certainly don't need to. It's really none of your business.

I find it curious that it seems to make someone uncomfortable to be given money for almost any reason. Is that a cultural thing? Maybe the way one is brought up? Curious.

Monetary gifts in lieu of flowers are quite common in my area, but it's usually to the immediate family. If someone needs to travel to attend a relative's funeral, I can understand friends giving money. Everything I received went into my children's college funds. Most gifts were a few dollars, but my late husband's cousin sent a sizable check. Years later, after my kids all finished their schooling and had good jobs, the cousin's adopted younger sister needed financial help. By that time I was able to pay it forward, so I gave her the same amount. (To clarify--she didn't ask for help, nor did she expect it, but I saw the need.)

A covered dish and/or other essential supplies for the families is also very common, usually from very close friends and neighbors.

Some customs are foreign to me, but that doesn't make them 'wrong', just 'different'.

I was surprised when a relatively new neighbor added a black banner to the American flag outside her front door when a grandchild died. She was surprised when I brought her a box of chocolates to share with grieving family. (Large extended family and RC, which I am not.)

Of course there's no right or wrong. All customs and practices vary for a variety of reasons - culture/ethnicity, region, religion (if applicable), etc. Sometimes a difference from a given person's perspective is minor or understandable, sometimes the reaction is stronger. Which still doesn't make anyone or anything right or wrong. For some (like me) who had a stronger reaction to the suggestion of bestowing money or other financial benefits on family members of the decedent, Lars's use of the word "crass" reasonably expresses the strong reaction.

I also find the practice off-putting that some have, as with "Please send your contributions to Dear Departed Freddie's favorite place to go, American Legion Post 99" or other similar attempts to arm-twist the grieving into making contributions Freddie might have chosen to make during his lifetime or at death but perhaps didn't. Hmm, no thanks.

Re bringing food when someone dies. - I remember when my dad died and my mom couldn't think straight for a month. People brought casseroles and cookies, etc. She didn't have to think about what to eat - take something out of the freezer and put it in the oven, someone stops by, invite them in and put out the cookies that a neighbour brought over. Heck, I had trouble grocery shopping and there is no way that my mom could've done that.

If my DH dies before me I hope I'm inundated with food. It's also a way of showing that you care.

The money thing is rather strange. Perhaps there was a note in the card with an explanation.

Because they have loving care in their hearts and don't know how else to help or express their love?

Some people are very awkward around grief so maybe that's a big part of why. Also as said above to replace the food. They might give them some money particularly if far away so that at least one thing is eased for the grieving.

I sometimes stumble over the words and actions and so in wanting to help give them a little something to help them along their way.

As I've gotten older I've added asking someone close to the most grieving persons what I might do to help. Often it's just come and sit with the them when they can't be there and things like that. I do that if I can. I never go empty-handed though. My cookies seem to be appreciated.

We often gave food and/or money to the family who lost a member. It may have been regional. The people around us were often hard working folks who didn't have a lot of money. I remember in high school going to the house of one of my brother's best friends right after his father died unexpectedly. He was in shock. We brought food, but I wish now that we had given money or would have spoken up and offered to wash dishes or something. They had a sink and counter full of dirty dishes and bags of trash by the door. They needed help and I was unsure of what to do at that age.

I know someone who said she appreciated the money because she used it to buy stamps and thank you cards. Some family members do travel to the funeral and stay at the home or need a place to stay. They maybe could use a little help with expenses.

I don't know if it is a regional thing or not, but the majority of people have a wake after the funeral. They usually rent a hall to host it. Some people bring food and some give money to defray the cost. Plus there is always extra people at your home inbetween viewings so the family isn't alone. Catholics will give money for a mass to be said for the deceased. Since you're only laid out one or two days now there isn't too many flowers being sent now.

What is typical for me, growing up Jewish in NYC, was that when people came to sit shiva, it was very customary for them to bring some sort of food. It could be cooked meals, a plate of cookies, fruit, whatever. The grieving family is dealing with so much, the last thing they are thinking about is eating. When there is food brought to you, you eat it. Depending on how many people come for shiva on an y given night, people are sometimes coming from work so it's also nice to be able to have food for them. I know when my parents passed, it was so comforting to have people around and not having to think about meals or food preparation. (At times there is an abundance of food and sometimes it would be given to food banks or shelters..not sure in covid times).

We never sent or received flowers,but most of the time would make a donation to a charity in the deceased's memory. That was our norm and to this day, I will usually ask if there is a preferred charity or if the person passed from a specific disease, I would donate to research in that field.

When my husband died, I had limited experience with the death of a loved one, so I didn't know what to expect, neither did I really know what was expected of me when others died. But I learned a LOT living through that time.

When people die, others just show up. We didn't have a lot of relatives, but did have many, many friends. They just came. They brought food. Because so many people came and went, people were helping with memorial celebration items, my husband's family arrived from out of state (thankfully, housed by a next door neighbor), people just coming over to give me some love, etc. I was so grateful for the food that people brought because there were provisions to offer visitors or even have a meal myself that I hadn't had to cook or shop for. The outpouring was wonderful. I didn't know that before; I might have waited to be asked to come thinking that was the polite thing to do.

One of the best things someone brought was a huge basket filled with non-perishables, like crackers and dried fruit and canned gourmet type foods - olives, pickles, smoked salmon, cookies, etc. I can't tell you how many times I was able to put together a little snack offering for someone visiting. Often it was because I was hungry, too.

Since I wasn't really familiar with how nice that was, it hadn't been my
way of behaving toward others previously, but now it is. I show up. I
do what I can. I bring food, run errands. Give $ if it's needed. I
learned a lot about what can help.

The $ people sent me was almost always from his co-workers all around the state, few of them known to me. I did find it odd, but I knew it was given in love and caring for him and their admiration of him.

It’s not a tradition to give money directly here. However my friends husband died in a car accident leaving her with two kids. She asked for donations to their college fund. I was more than happy to give to that. In fact i gave much more than I would usually donate to another charity.

My friend's husband’s funeral was attended by hundreds. The reception must have been expensive and I am sure she could not afford it. I have a feeling some of her closest friends stepped up and paid for it.

A lot of interesting responses. I understand and have participated in the food gifts to bereaved families. And we’ve also helped with funeral expenses when appropriate.

I was just wondering if whenever anyone in a family dies, people give money -- even to those who are not part of the immediate family. Sounds like it is a relatively common practice in some circles.

We will donate to the charity if one is mentioned or if not, then a charity that perhaps would address the cause of death (illness, cause of accident, suicide, etc)

Dropping off food in a casserole was common in the village and area where I grew up. The casserole, that often went on such errands and to church, had a name taped on so it could make its way home.

Still practised by some, but less frequently, I think.

Quite common to include in the announcement that a contribution to a charity of interest to the deceased would be appreciated but not expected.

I may be wrong, but I think that the receipt, valuable at income tax time, would go to the giver rather than the bereaved family.

ole joyful

In the area of the country that I was raised it was (and still is) a common practice to send money with a note of sympathy. The obituary, published in the local newspapers and online, will quite often state what memorial the family has designated and other times will just say a memorial will be designated later.

Shambo, I would assume that the person who sent the money to the brother was a friend of the brother so sent it to him to use as a memorial, mass or other way of honoring the deceased. He may have had no relationship with the deceased, but wanted to express his sympathy to the brother for his loss.