I made my arrangements. Something to be aware of is that while it is nice to be precise things may not work out the way things are planned. That casket may not be available. Those pallbearers especially if you live long enough may not have the health or be able to be there. That outfit that you selected may not fit or it may be worn out by the time it is needed although the mortuary staff did wonders with my husband's weight lost. Select what you can but try not to make it specific. Preplanning is something that is good to do so your loved ones have less to be concerned about but in some families not being able to follow what the loved one wanted has caused as much grief as if nothing has been done.

My parents gave me a list of what they wanted twenty years before either one of them died. The things I wrote above was what happened.

No. Not many would be there anyway

Although depending on one's age a lot of preplanning may not be practical, as outlined above, it is, however, important that your loved ones know what your general wishes are. When my brother converted from HIV+ to full-blown AIDS, he was hospitalized and not expected to live through the night. Although we had known for many years that he was HIV+ we had never discussed his desires for what was to be done after his death. I didn't know if he wanted to be buried or cremated, and if cremated, what he would want done with his ashes. That was the singular most awful night of my life. He did survive the night, and after several months was discharged. During his hospitalization we had many discussions about this so I was absolutely clear on what he wanted.

I thought I would add this. If you are merely planning the funeral homes in this area have booklets that you can write out your wishes. You can find the information online also.

If you are planning and wish to prepay there are several things that you should know and some may be area specific. I went through Dignity which I understand has chapels across the country. They went through a list of normal things and provided a price for each I could accept or not. After they completed everything they had two lists. One that could be prepaid and the other one that would need to be paid when the death occurred. What I was prepaying was for an insurance policy that would cover the cost of the agreed upon arrangements. There was no pressure for me to agree to anything. I was urged to take the information home and discuss it with family. The chapel would keep the information on file until needed. I did pay additional for a relocation policy in case I died elsewhere including overseas which was a separate company. I am still planning on going to Europe when all this is over.

I had paid only about 8 months toward the total on my husband's when he died. I do not remember receiving a copy of any insurance documents for him but when the time came I did not have to pay the rest of the amount.

My idea is very similar to Hot Rod's. Cremated with my ashes and my husband's spread together at the same location. Of course it will depend on who goes when. But then a good time is to be had by all. Good food and good music and good people times two.

I'm with Hot Rod. I've told my son to take the ashes back to California whenever, be it 10 days or 10 years. Take the whale watching boat The Kahuna out of Moss Landing and just dump the ashes in the sea. The party can be held sooner, tho.

Sorta. I have my niche--where my urn will go--the entire family in the same spot. It's nice. It's kinda weird because my name is on it already. I only want immediate family. For my Mom it was just 6 of us and the priest and it was meaningful to us. I have not picked out an urn or anything like that but I may do that. I have set aside money for the cremation, etc.

Everything is already paid for. Our funeral home knows we both will be cremated. The executor of our wills, will see that our wishes are carried out.

Far more important is having financial matters in order and I presume you've focused on this secondarily rather than instead of that.

Our financial affairs are in order and documents are executed and distributed so that everyone who should have a copy has one. Trustees choices were discussed among family members and chosen, the disposition of assets was discussed with all of our kids >10 years ago and everyone is on the same page with all of it. No surprises.

When Yogi Berra's wife Carmen asked him where he wanted to be buried, he reputedly replied:

"I don't know, Carmen. Surprise me."

I'm of a similar mind. I think death is the end with nothing afterwards. My family is scattered here and there (that's a good thing) and I'm probably as happy being cremated and my ashes scattered or retained by the crematorium or as anyone decides to do at the time. It doesn't matter to me.

None of us in the family, especially not my wife nor I, have religious beliefs and so we both wish to have no "services". But a celebration of life and a good party sometime later at my expense, exactly as was done for a older friend of ours at a micro-brewery - YES!

Yes. Donate any usable organs followed by cremation, ashes scattered, no service and a party at the local pub if my family/friends want to follow up. I'll foot the bill, so I figure they'll show up for the free food and booze.

This past Winter I had my will remade. I also bought a fireproof safe to keep important papers for my kids. I was in the middle of trying to set up the cremation when Covid 19 happened and I never went to speak to the funeral home people. I have told my kids to take my ashes somewhere pretty. Take me to Scotland if I never make it there before I die. Or just somewhere like Yellowstone. I don't want a service.

Agree with what Elmer said 100%. We updated our wills, medical directives, and other documents about 6-8 years ago. At that time we also asked our kids again if there were any specific items of ours they wanted. They mentioned an item or two and we made sure those were in the will. None of us, kids included, want any disagreements. Copies have been provided to executors and we have multiple copies here at home and in safe locations.

We both will be cremated and nothing would please me more than to have family and friends enjoy a celebration of life party.

There's a beautiful cemetery near us, with an atmosphere more like an arboretum than a cemetery, and we've bought plots there. My husband and I have always liked being able to 'visit' our parents and grandparents, who are coincidentally buried in the same cemetery (elsewhere, not the one we'll be in). Our children like the idea as well.

We haven't left more detailed instructions for them. They know us well and we have no doubt that they'll arrange something fitting.

But as Elmer says, the most important thing is having your financial affairs in order. If you don't have a will, then have one drawn up.

Our wills basically say "See Living Trust papers for administration and disposition of assets". The meat is in the Living Trust instrument.

My wishes are known. Cremation. No service.

There is something that appeals to me though. There is a place near Kerrville where bodies are placed out in the open on a big ranch, so the critters, etc. eat you. You are studied to see the various stages of decomposition. I like the idea of being food for coyotes. I may look into it further.

I have my will and financial affairs in order. I belong to an end of life cooperative that will handle my cremation, not prepaid but cost controlled. I have made no other plans or have no other wishes that I would burden my loved ones with. I feel like whatever my friends and family need or want to do for themselves regarding my death, it's fine with me. Scatter my ashes, keep them in an urn, bury them...make it easy on them. I can't imagine making firm plans or wishes and then expecting my loved ones to have the burden of carrying those out, regardless of their own situations/ beliefs. I'll be dead. Let the living do what works for them.

Marilyn that's the Body Farm. I believe there are 6 of them in various states including Texas. My aunt donated her body to a Body Farm and her husband donated his to a medical school.

No. We have no family left and I'm donating my body to Yale. If accepted, they'll take care of any remains.

I have a will but it needs updating. I have an advanced health care directive.

Cremation, survivor(s) can do whatever they want with the ashes as long as it's low key and sanitary. No obituary, ceremony or party, unless the survivor(s) want one in which case they should do whatever would bring them comfort.

After we retired we updated wills, medical directives and financial matters -- good advice to take care of that too.

One thing I've meant to do and haven't gotten around to is list my favorite music, as well as popular music I "hate," in case I'm incapacitated. The last thing I want is a well-meaning caretaker to put on (song I intensely dislike which most people think is meaningful).

When my cousin turned 60 he made his funeral arrangements. He's buddies with the local funeral home directors, and they've done the funerals for all our family members. Anyway, he has only a school-aged daughter, so he couldn't saddle get with that task. He has picked everything out, and paid. He's already aware of things that could change like his size, and made notes for those. He also has his financial affairs in order.

He was telling me about this, saying how freeing it felt and asked if my parents had addressed it, and hunted we could do the same. While they had their affairs in order, they had not made funeral arrangements.

When Dad died last summer, my brothers and I sat in the funeral director's office and talked about the plans. I think the two hardest parts were finding something for him to wear -- he loved to look sharp -- and assembling photos. I think we found it comforting to be able to pick out his casket, choose songs. He may have wanted the service in his church, but the pastor came to the funeral home and it was more of a memorial than following a church liturgy. As they say, funerals are for the living.

Mom's will be harder. None of her favorite and beautiful clothes will for her now, the ones that do are from her slender youth (and yes, some of them are still in the house). She had said she wanted to be cremated and waffled on where she wants to be: the columbarium at her favorite church near their winter home? But then it changed and she wasn't as enamored of it any more. Their home church? But it's a shrinking congregation. My church? At least I'd come visit! This was her thought process. In the end, I think she'll be with Dad in the family plot.

That reminds me, we still need to do Dad's marker.

I would really like my brothers to address the issue for themselves Neither married and I have no idea what they might want it or how anything would be paid for.

All I’ve done is think about it. I mean what to do with my remains. Ive got all the financial stuff in order. I have a folder called the Death File with important information like the names of my financial advisor and lawyer. Also passwords, but that needs updating since I am constantly forced to change them. I want my body to be cremated and probably have the ashes scattered. There is no family plot, at least not one where I want to spend eternity! I have almost no family and there won’t be any descendants to weep at my grave. I like the idea of scattering ashes but I have no idea where. If I could, I’d have them scattered in a bakery, my favorite place.

I'm actually getting some good ideas here for things I never thought of like the passwords.

I'd hoped to donate my body to anatomical research like my mother did, but I suspect they are oversupplied at this point! That has to be set up in advance with a licensed funeral director who will transport the body within a short time after death. (I wouldn't want to 'spoil'.)

I'm not thrilled that anyone's cremains are 'scattered' among the living. I'd opt to let the research group dispose of that in a sanitary manner.

I HOPE I will have time to say goodbye to family in hospice. That's 'ceremony' enough for me, and for them.

For a while after my mother died, I'd missed having a 'place' to go to mourn her. I soon recognized that my Mom is within me, not where her broken body was placed.

"I soon recognized that my Mom is within me, not where her broken body was placed."

Exactly! Very well said.

I've never been back to the graves of dead loved ones, my two parents included. I'm not sure what that would accomplish. I can remember them, "visit" them with my thoughts and enjoy the happiness the good memories bring wherever I am.

Nope. I really do not care. I have a large life insurance policy through my employer so if something happens to me, whatever happens to my body will be paid for by SO,who is the beneficiary. SO is not my next of kin as we are not married so my parents would likely have a full blown Catholic service for me. Whatever. It would make them feel better and the only purpose of such things is to comfort the living. For all I care they can dig a hole in the yard and roll me in real quick then go to lunch. I would make good fertilizer! The only things I have mentioned regarding my death:

1.)Whatever happens to my body, I'm taking Sammy's (alleged) ashes with ME. Sammy is my beloved pitbull.

2. If SO brings another woman into OUR house after I go I told him I will come back and haunt them both. And I would not be one of those subtle, catch-a-glimpse-of-a-shadow-out-of-the-corner-of-your-eye type ghosts either. I would be the throw-stuff-and-make-the-floor-shake-and-leave-scratches-on-your-behind type of ghost. He better take that life insurance money and buy a new house for the hussy. Because she ain't welcome in MINE.

But all jokes aside ,I really do not care. All the financial stuff is in order and I leave it to those left behind to do what they want as far as remains disposal.

My parents have told us what they want. It's already arranged and paid for. They will be cremated, a small mass said for them, and they have paid for a space in their churches thing for cremated remains, I do not know what it is called, for both of them. I will likely not visit it after their installment in it....

A propos to Amy's haunting threat, here's a good story. My apology if I've told it before. A 50-something couple:

Wife - You know honey, should I die before you, I don't want you to spend the rest of your life alone. Find a woman, get married and be happy. Don't think you're violating our sacred vows if you do so, it's what I would want you to do.

Husband - That's silly to talk about but I promise you, I would NEVER remarry.

W - I don't know how you can be so sure but please hear what I'd want for you. There's just one thing, it makes me feel uncomfortable and creepy to think of another woman living in our house, sleeping in our bedroom, being intimate with you in the same bed we were intimate.

H- That's silly to talk about but I promise you, another woman would never sleep in our bedroom where we have been intimate.

W- Your comments make me love you even more but how can you be so sure?

H- Easy. I would never remarry because her alimony would stop if that happened. Plus, she hates how you've decorated the house and she's told me she'd never live here.

Doesn't sound like he will be outliving her.......

I haven't yet, but something that I should do soon. I will be cremated so I need to set that up and pay for it. The urn will be just a plain one, nothing fancy, or maybe I'll decide to use one of my favorite coffee cans! 😉 It will be put in the plot with my husband, mother and dad. One brother and his wife will have a place there too. The headstone for my husband and myself is already set in place , they just need to fill in "the dash" when my time comes. What is that old saying....you can only whistle past the graveyard so many times!

For a while after my mother died, I'd missed having a 'place' to go to mourn her. I soon recognized that my Mom is within me, not where her broken body was placed.

I'm tearing up. I miss my Mom. Everyday. I am also beginning to realize that her things are not her either. She is within me. But I do like using her cookbooks and wearing some of her jewelry. It's just a lovely perspective Chisue. Thank you.

Kevin and I updated our wills last year so that we have a living trust, meaning that when one of us dies, the other inherits all real property through the trust instead of having to go through probate. At least that is how I understand it. Since we are brothers, this should not create any problems. We each have different instructions for what happens when the second one dies, although we have not taken into consideration what would happen if we both died at the same time, as in an accident.

We both also want to be cremated and not buried but have not made plans beyond that. I think the survivor(s) will make those decisions. It's not important to me.

After my son's SO's father died suddenly last year and I saw the struggle they went through trying to find his will, life insurance, passwords, banking info, etc... I decided to get very organized so as not to burden my kids when the time comes.

I put all important documents in an accordian folder and they know where it is. I also have a list with instructions for cremation, free burial/headstone in the Veteran's National Cemetary, celebration of life party (paid for by me), etc... as well as a list with all passwords.

Additionally, I've also tried to become (my version of) a minimalist, getting rid of clutter.

All done....Living Will and Trustee papers all in place. Goal is to make it

the easiest possible way for my daughter. I told her if it gets too complicated,

just take me home and throw me in Lake Michigan. ;)

I have said this before but as a reminder do not put those important papers in your bank vault if you have one. The bank will not allow access until the proper documents are provided. Also very important make certain that at least two trusted people know where they are located and have access to them. Stress can sometimes make the mind go blank.

My dad is at the family plot on the other side of the city. Last time I was there was for my grandmother’s burial, 30 years ago. This time, though, was kind of fun. My family used to have an association with the cemetery beyond having a plot, my dad was on the board of directors, we all had stock in it. So when we went in to make the arrangements, the staff was reminiscing about the early years. Now, I actually didn’t know much about all of that, so it was kind of fun. Kind of. But anyway, as we stood at the plot, we saw the name of another branch of the family next to it. And around the corner, someone else we knew. And more familiar names. And interesting dates. It was almost like the days when dad would set up the slide projector and show pictures of family vacations. We talked about different people, and times, and I don’t think any of that would have come up without seeing the names. Mind you, I haven’t been there since, and it’s nearly a year now. I do have some boxes of old records I need to deliver to the staff, though . . .

Uptowngal, say “hi” to my aunt when you hit Lake Michigan! But don’t get scattered when the wind is off the lake . . .

LOL....ok...I'll be careful. Wish I was there today...almost 90 here right now.

(alive, that is). ;)

I don't have any specific wishes, except for where I DON'T want to be buried. My family owns about ten plots that my father purchased years ago, when he thought we would be more fruitful and multiply. The cemetery is in the tedious little Wisconsin town where I was raised. I don't want to risk being buried there in case there is such a thing as reincarnation and it has any geographical aspects. I did my first 18 years in that place, and as far as I am concerned, that was already an eternity.

And...I wrote my own obituary. It is ready whenever my body is ready. Pre-planned funeral that is paid for and I carry a card in my wallet that indicates where to take me and that the cost of transport of my body will be paid for by the funeral home. All set.

Well I can honestly say geographical reincarnation never entered my mind.

I have a card in my wallet too but it's to call a priest for last rites. I never thought about geographical reincarnation either but I totally get it. Has anybody read The Whole Town's Talking by Fannie Flagg?

All financials are in place, as everything possible is set to pass to my son at TOD. No life insurance now that I'm retired, but investments, savings, checking, personal property and real property deeds, etc. are assigned.

All legal documents needed in my state were prepared a couple years ago and are in a folder in the safe. Along with the "when I die document" I created. Different categories have their own tab, with instructions on how and when to process. I've listed my SSN, bank accounts, etc., and then financial incomings such as retirement checks, social security, etc. and phone numbers of who to call to cancel. Account numbers are listed, credit cards, memberships, etc. and passwords and phone numbers as necessary.

When I showed all this to the lawyer and asked for his input on what I might be missing, he took notes and said he'd be suggesting it to his future clients! LOL

When my DH died, I was not in a state of mind to THINK about what needed to be done next. So SS was deposited, and then removed. His retirements were deposited, and then removed. In the back of my head I knew that would happen, but at the time he died, again, I wasn't THINKING clearly and so it was a surprise when the monies were removed. It took close to three months for everything to straighten out and stabilize.

Annegriet- I have not read it but will request from my library. It's open for pick-up only.

I came back to add - please make sure, if you have pets, to have a solid plan in place for THEM, should you die before your pets do.

Not yet. As soon as I start receiving my Old Age pension I am going to pre pay my cremation. In a few months when I can afford it I might be trading an empty family grave plot for a niche in the mausoleum where I can put my Mom's and my sister's ashes. My ashes will go into my Mom's urn when my time comes

I like that you will be with your mom and sister. I have cremation/mausoleum plans as well with my family.

LALA--glad you are going to check out the book. I'm a big Fannie Flagg fan-hey alliteration! Hope you enjoy it and glad you are a supporter of your local public libraries. I think libraries happen to be the foundation of our democracy!

Yes, I have. As a survivor of a rare cancer, I got my things in order years ago, and review them periodically. No funeral/memorial for me. I personally can't even fathom planning my own funeral and writing my own obituary. This just seems so very self centered and pretentious to me. I'll donate my body to science, and then it will be cremated, and that $$ has been set aside. I'm low maintenance, and I'll go out that way.

My daughter also knows my banking password and knows pin #'s to debit cards. That's something that is often overlooked. I've made a list of people to notify. My pets have been arranged for.

I'm deeply decluttering my house so my daughter won't have to deal with any more stuff than she has to. This is TRULY the best gift you can give your loved ones.

My family is well aware of my wishes. My EOL paperwork even includes who NOT to tell and who NOT to come near my family because she's a drama queen. The last thing I need is for anyone to cause drama for the person carrying out my wishes.

I pay Legal Shield a small monthly amount so I can update my paperwork as often as I want at a VERY reasonable cost.

As someone who started looking at my family I find information on family connections in the obituaries that were published in the past useful. Now for many publishing that type of obituary is very expensive. Twenty cents a space unless you want a three line obituary. Times are changing but it seems sad that people are now living where their life will not be acknowledged in an official manner.

I wrote two for my husband. One the cheapie free one for the local paper. The other one since he had family in Iowa was much longer and mentioned family members. In Iowa where he was from because much of it is rural there are a couple of radio/tv stations that post on their website's deaths and other local news. There is no charge for that and I asked that the longer one be sent to them.

"I pay Legal Shield a small monthly amount so I can update my paperwork as often as I want...."

How often has that been? I had my documents done over 10 years ago (this is a field I have some professional knowledge about) and I've had no reason to make any changes over that period of time.

Do you have a need for ongoing cut rate legal services otherwise?