"SO tells me when i am getting too big and when I'm getting too thin for his preference" Wow, just no.

Why?

Lucille, I do not think telling a loved one that they are overweight is fat shaming. Fat shaming is making fun of someone just because of their weight.

Suggesting that perhaps they address it is not shaming them,IMO. Not in the case of a life partner. One should be able to be completely honest with that person. In fact, suggesting that someone do something about excess weight is more loving to me than letting them get bigger and bigger and unhealthier and unhappier. It is not the same as a stranger making a mean comment to someone.

I have to say I am sort of amazed at the attitude that one must not be honest with adults. I have been told by at least 2 doctors that they are rather hesitant to tell their patients,especially women, that they need to lose weight,lest they be accused of "shaming" them....weird.

I am starting to see my unicorn horn coming up.....

I think it totally depends on the relationship, and how couples talk, or not talk, to one another. I don't think is take it to kindly from my DH, because I know how he addresses things! And how I take things! I love that you and your SO can talk to each other that way, amylou, with love and truth!

If you ask him to help you lose or gain weight because you want to for your health and how you feel in your body, that's great. But from the way you put it, it sounds like there's only a narrow size range that he's happy with...which is odd.

I think it depends on how it is said.

Perhaps husbands might need a gentle reminder that they might not look like movie stars themselves.

Bookwoman, not really,as far as the narrow range. About 30 pounds or so from too big to too small. He would frankly, rather me be too big than too small. I would rather be too big than too small as well. Once I got rather too enthusiastic with my weight loss and my ribs and hip bones were starting to show. It didnt hurt my feelings when he pointed out that it was NOT a good look...

Elizabeth, that was sort of my point. I know it is predominantly women here so I tailored my question to that end but I think the general idea of telling a husband something appearance related is considered much more acceptable than the other way around. I dont understand why... Why should people be afraid to be honest with an adult? Certainly not a stranger on the street who didnt ask but the one you share your life with?

Love this conversation! DH gave me a scale for my birthday one year! It was just his way of not saying that I had gained some. Of course, he paid for it! I went on one heck of a shopping trip after that!

Now we are both above where our weight should be. He says he is happy our doctor, a woman, is a bit over weight, thinks she doesn't say too much about our weight! LOL!

I believe women's reactions to a mate suggesting she lose weight is related to a much larger picture. We, as women, are constantly being bombarded with commercials, ads, magazines telling us that we need this makeup, this diet, that hairstyle, these clothes in order to look and feel beautiful. It's a constant...you're not good enough unless you have this, that or the other. We start to believe that crap and become very sensitive as to our body images. Hence, when yet another person mentions something that has to do with how our bodies are perceived, it doesn't fair well. We interpret it as "You are not good enough".

I'm glad that you are not offended by his comments and hope your relationship is a two way street.

I'd lament over my weight, and hubby said "I don't care". I asked him doesn't he mind that I'm overweight. He said Nope, as long as you're healthy, it doesn't bother me in the least. I love you any way you are.

We were both going to join the exercise program, to get fitter and as well to strengthen his bones.

When I lament over my weight, SO tells me, "You know what to do to change it." I don't equate him not arguing that i don't need to lose weight with not loving me. I don't like to wonder what he thinks. Just tell me. I don't need him to handle me with kid gloves. Out with it.

Jasdip, would you have been upset if your hubby mentioned gently that he agreed with your own lamentations?

I never felt criticized. Nor did I accuse anyone of doing so, nor am i criticizing anyone else. I am simply trying to get an understanding by laying out my thoughts and reading the reactions, and responding to them, in order to get a deeper understanding of the other side. That's all.

What about YOUR SO Amy? What would he do if you told him he needed to lose some weight? Would you ever say that to him? My husband would never say anything to me about my weight, he's very considerate about my feelings. I think I'm capable of taking care of my own weight, I don't need someone to tell me what to do. He always says that we aren't trying to be supermodels or something.

For whatever the reason, most woman are sensitive about their weight. Not too many can say they are happy where they are at this very moment. Most women would not want weight gain to be pointed out by ANYONE.

Amy, It seems like you and SO have an arrangement for this to be addressed openly. Kudos to you.

Side story: DH and I were on vacation a few years back. My weight was at its highest. He said, “When we get home we both need to go on diets.” He was right, but I still felt upset that he pointed it out. It was a motivator for both of us.

I remember that my sister's EX used to always point out that she needed to do this or needed to that to improve herself, even bought her a stair climber to tighten that thing that he'd pointed out needed some help...did I mention that he's her EX HUSBAND!? HA!

DH has said from time to time that he worries that the extra weight I tend to carry may take me away from him too soon, and that he wants to live a long, long life together. But he doesn't hassle me. That's fine.

Arkansas,He pretty much shares my sentiment on that. We both say that we are adults,we are together, and its important to be honest. I want him to be happy,he wants me to be happy. Honesty about such things is important in achieving that,in our opinion.

He doesn't nag me about my weight. He doesn't call me names or degrade me,he doesn't withhold affection or attention. Neither do I. So I dont see why I should be upset about him telling me that he's noticed a weight gain,anymore than him telling me that I have something in my teeth or I put my shirt on inside out.

He did buy me a treadmill for valentine's day one year. I was puzzled at first. I didnt ask for a treadmill, and he hadn't said anything recently about my weight. But he said it was because he did not like me going to the local park to walk,as he didnt feel it was safe,and because we were moving to a house that isn't conveniently near any sort of appropriate walking trails or gym.

You're pretty brave to even voice that question or give that opinion Amylou321 (everyone seems so sensitive these days ... kudos to you 😉). If you can't be honest with the love of your life, who can you be honest with. I know I can get too complacent and I need that little reminder to, at the very least, give it some thought. If it's a medical condition that is quite different.

Most people who have a weight problem know they need to lose weight. I see no point in telling them. If they're bothered enough by it they'll lose it if they aren't, they won't. I think you are probably in the minority, Amy. I think it's wonderful that you have so much self-exceptance that you're not bothered by SO saying something to you about your weight. I also think for some people it's helpful to pass a simple remark without nagging, to help someone you care about get back on track. On the other hand, I don't think it's dishonest to think something but not say it. In many cases it's the wise thing to do. :-)))

I kinda agree, georgysmom2. I think the discussion has kinda gone off the rails a little bit. I am not talking about saying something to everyone or just anyone about their weight. Just your SO. I wouldn't say anything to some random person about their weight, unless they bring it up. And even then, i might not say much. Coworker 2 was kind of going on about her weight the other day and i kind of just looked at her and shrugged. She clearly is the type that wants you to argue against it. She wants people to say that no, she is not big, yada yada yada. So i think it would be hurtful to HER to agree with her on her own complaints. I want to tell her what SO tells me. That is, "You know what to do to change it." But i don't. And i wouldn't say anything to my sisters, who continually call themselves "a fat tub o goo", as they are both sensitive to outside opinions. But I am not going to argue with them either. I do not think they are fat tubs of goo, but all of us could lose a few. Both of THEM would be VERY upset if their husbands said something about their weight, even if they brought it up and they merely agreed. We try to encourage each other to stay on track, BUT stop just short of holding each other accountable for bad decisions, so there is no benefit to it. But the cost of hurting their feelings is not worth it to me. Know your audience i guess. So while i agree that unsolicited opinions about weight (or anything for that matter) are inappropriate and unhelpful in most cases, i do think it is important to be honest with ones partner. Would I PERSONALLY care if someone who is not my SO says something about my weight? No. Their opinion has no importance to me. In that, i recognize that i am a minority. I see I am a minority in this matter as well, as you said. That is fine. I enjoyed reading everyone's opinion and feelings on it. No one is wrong for how they feel about this.

And i agree with everyone who says that most overweight people know that they are overweight. A lot of overweight people (myself included) can get complacent and comfortable and the problem can easily get out of control. A non insulting comment from the one i love the most is sometimes the only thing that can get me out of that rut. That's just me though.

Sort of off topic but years ago I had reached a plateau after loosing about 20 pounds. I asked my doctor when I had my annual checkup for any suggestions because I had stuck for months. He told me that he would rather have his patients have an extra 10-20 pounds once they reached 60 than be what was considered normal weight. When you are sick and do not feel like eating you can loose enough weight that it can become dangerous.

A treadmill under the disguise of safety? Really? Your DH had other options. 1) Mace 2) A dog 3) He could join you on a walk. No one has the right to comment on YOUR body. It's manipulative and demeaning.

So...here is my story/take on it.

When hubby and I met/got married, he was overweight and I was very physically fit.

I didn't fall in love with him because of his looks and none of my attractiveness TO him was based on his physical appearance. His size truly didn't bother me and I never commented on it.

We stayed the same basic level of weight/size for 10+ years and 3 children.

Yes, my body changed after having gone through the rigors of pregnancy, childbirth and nursing (3 times!!!) but I always got back to the same size I was before, just with noticeably more saggy skin and stretch marks.

Then came, in one year, a huge influx of life changing events for both of us. The birth of our 4th child, him turning 40, the deaths of important family members, rearranging of households and family dynamics, etc.

In a relatively short period of time, he decided to make drastic changes to his own life and health and he lost 90 pounds. In that same time frame, I found myself, for the first time ever, struggling with losing the pregnancy weight and I was suddenly much bigger than I have ever been.

Through it all, neither one of us has ever made a negative comment to the other about our weight.

When he started losing weight, I told him how good he looked and encouraged him on his own personal journey. I also made sure to emphasize to him that my attraction to him has never been based on how he looks.

When I found myself struggling with weight and would make disparaging comments about myself, he wouldn't deny that I had changed shape and I was a different size than before. What he always said to me has always been a great comfort to me.

He said, "I like all flavors of Gem! Sure, you used to be thinner and there were things I found incredibly attractive about that. But now you have more curves and I find THAT incredibly attractive. When your hair is short and curly and bouncy, it's so sexy, but when your hair is long and wavy and I can run my fingers through it, it's hot.

When you were pregnant, you were so unbelievably gorgeous to me. So yeah, sure, you've gained weight and you aren't the same size you used to be...so what. You are still amazing and beautiful and I am more attracted to you now than I was when we first met. If you want to lose weight, that's fine but just know that I have always been attracted to you and I still am."

So I think that he and I probably have a similar relationship to what you and SO have, we just express it in different ways.

Most people who aren't in peak physical condition are self conscious of their size/weight/appearance and want nothing more than to be accepted/loved/desirable to their spouses/significant other.

For me, if I made a comment about being overweight and/or out of shape and hubby tried to rebuff it, I would know for a fact that he's a liar trying to "spare" my feelings. I'm not an idiot. I know I weigh more than I used to.

What I crave more than anything else is someone who accepts me completely AS me.

So yeah, when I make a comment about my weight gain, he doesn't pull the b.s. of lying and saying I haven't changed, because I have.

What he DOES do is make sure that I'm aware that yes, he is aware my size has changed BUT he still loves and accepts me and finds me desirable. He also encourages me to do things that will make ME feel better.

I think a true relationship/partnership is only successful when both parties are truly willing to be honest with each other WHILE be encouraging, accepting and positive.

If he told me he didn't like my size, (something he, as my best friend knows I'm struggling with) I would feel less accepted, I would feel judged.

He is my rock, my cheerleader. He is the one that encourages me and pushes me while also accepting ME as I am.

He makes me want to be a better person, not because I'm looking for his approval or acceptance but because he loves me and accepts me and wants to encourage and support me as a friend.

Truth and honesty are important in a relationship. Equally important are kindness, compassion and acceptance.

Ratherbesewing,it wasn't a guise. That park was not the safest. It was surrounded by woods, homeless people sometimes loitered there, and apparently, unbeknownst to me, people often went to the more secluded parts to take part in drug deals. In addition 1.) I carried a gun, not mace. 2.) I took my 80 pound pit bull,Sammy, walking with me every time. I would never have gone without him or another one of our dogs. 3.) He would be working when I went walking.

The way he worded it, he didnt want me to be in a situation where I would have to use any form of protection. I saw his point. And I think it would be odd to assume that a man who has no problem mentioning noticing a weight gain would come up with a guise as to why he bought me a treadmill. Me and Sammy went walking every day, rain or shine,for years,no matter what my weight was. It bothered him. Not that I went walking,he just worried about it. He was so proud of himself for thinking of it,and it made sense. I am grateful for it, as I would have no other convienient option where we live now. Oh, and I was at the lower end of the weight spectrum when he bought it,which is why i was so puzzled at first.

I agree Texas Gem. And I dont find him mentioning my weight as demeaning. As i said, he doesn't call me names or nag me about it. Him reminding me how hard I worked to get the extra off and pointing out that he thinks I may be putting some back on is not the same thing as say, calling me a fat pig or something. I have no doubt that he loves me. I see that this is a topic that seems to touch nerves though. I didnt realize how much....

My husband and I mention weight to each other. It's not mean spirited. It's health based. We also also walk together because we know it helps. There are some people who are not allowed to comment. They just don't have that type of relationship with me.

Jasdip, would you have been upset if your hubby mentioned gently that he agreed with your own lamentations?

No, because we both know it; but why state the obvious? It wouldn't achieve anything. As I didn't say anything about the extra weight he carried around his waist. I just loved looking at him, wearing his shirt untucked, and cuffs turned up. He was so sexy to me.

Like Texas Gem we loved each other for who we were, and we still turned each other on. He always said he loved looking at me.

I think the issue is how you said DH prefers you to be a certain size. It’s your body. He doesn’t get to choose your size.

Perhaps some are "not allowed to comment" because they are rude, snide or demeaning. Perhaps the wife is not overly sensitive, she just knows when she is being ridiculed or insulted.

Amylou I do think you're a bit of a unicorn. :) Its a rare person who can tactfully deliver a comment about their SO's weight without offending, and even more rare to find someone who would want their SO to do so.

I can't recall my husband ever making a remark on my weight or how I look, but if he did, it would not bother me because he has never said anything to me in a mean way. So I agree....it would be how it was said. He isn't the type to try to put me down.

Positive reinforcement is more useful than negative, but I have told DH when he is developing a 'pot' or starting to lose his good posture. I do it immediately, when it's pretty easy for him to do something about it. He is not offended. (Do I think he'd say anything to me? Never has.)

OK, having said that... I'm amazed that amylou and all of the people she mentioned (co-workers and sisters) are overweight enough to be unhappy about it. What is eating THEM? How much weight are we talking about here?

DH and I experienced 'middle age spread' in our late forties. (140 lbs on 5' 6" for me; 190 on 6' for him.) I stopped buying some things and stopped serving such large portions; stopped serving a dessert every night. We stopped eating a snack or sweet out of its container -- and stored everything out of sight. I also brushed my teeth after eathing *anything*. (Amazing how you'll avoid having to DO that! Well, *me* anyway.) Soon I was 125lbs and he was 178.

Now, late seventies, I'm trying to stay above 100 lbs, most of which is in the middle since I've lost two inches. (DH, too.)

Pardon me if this has been touched on and I missed it, but some people have a full-blown eating disorder. I had a friend who was morbidity obese. She was in denial. If anyone mentioned her weight she flew into a fit of rage. She said she ate the same amount as skinny people and that it was her metabolism or a side effect of her medications or that she didn't digest food properly. She honestly did not believe she over ate. Everyone, including her doctor, was wrong and just being mean.

There was nothing anyone could do there except to not mention it and keep the peace.

She never got any help with it at all and died at 65

It's all about context and the relationship. My husband has never mentioned my weight creeping up at times. I have gained 10 pounds a few times over the years ( so far I have been able to lose the said weight when it shows up, so it's not cumulative.)

My husband is a bit of a Cookie Monster and is capable of putting on ten pounds without noticing. I will mention it nicely to him. Usually something like, Sweetheart, stay away from the cookies your admin brings to the office. One sweet per day is the limit at our age.

A neighbor of mine who is a size zero has a husband who barks at her to run more often because of her weight. That is a whole other kettle of fish and has nothing to do with weight, truth or vanity, and everything to do with power and dysfunction.

My husband doesn't say anything about my weight, and if he did I wouldn't appreciate it, even if he said it nicely. He would be more concerned about my health problems than my weight.

There are autoimmune diseases than can cause weight gain, such as Hypothyroidism. I don't eat much yet I've gained almost twenty pounds in the last year, or so.

You never know why someone has gained weight, and I wouldn't mention it to them unless it was a huge amount and endangering their health.

Partners should be able to tell the other everything. When, how, and why are the factors that make it work or not. And by it, I mean the relationship.

Anyone who loses a lot of weight without deliberately eating less -- or gains a lot of weight without eating -- needs to see a doctor about it. If nothing is found...guess what?

Considerable weight loss or gain is *rarely* due to some obscure disorder. It's mostly 'in our heads'! (Eating disorders aren't usually as extreme as anorexia or obesity, but they are 'mental'.)

One other thought: Men don't see their body shape as being as as big a part of who they *are* as do women.

First, I don't think my DH would ever tell me that, but he could be completely honest with me and me with him and it would be ok. We would joke about it and all would be good. Now that we are 'old', both of us have weight fluctuations that neither of us had back in our younger days. We have to stay on top of it more, for sure, and it's easy to let an extra 5 lbs or so sneak in. So as we are getting dressed and those pants feel tight, we might make a comment about ourselves and agree with one another.

Amy, I suspect your SO knows every inch of you so well, he would feel ok making a comment to you because of just that....he knows that once you get a little above your desired weight, you will be likely be dieting again. So he comments on it. So what? It's just another sign that he appreciates your efforts.

My response isn't exactly about weight, because other than while pregnant, my weight has pretty much stayed consistent. However, my DH will never offer me an opinion on how I look, good or bad. If we're going somewhere special and I put on two different dresses and ask for his preference, he will never give one. He always says, 'either one is fine' no matter how much I plead with him to just tell me which one he likes better. If I show him my hair straightened, or in an updo, he will say 'both look fine.' He simply refuses to give an opinion, always insisting he likes both the same.

I'm a very laid back person, and not thin skinned, so it's not as if DH has ever heard me complain, pout or get upset when I ask someone for an opinion, and they actually give me one. I think that's why his non-committal responses are frustrating to me. When I have a clear preference myself, I have no need to ask for anyone's opinion. But when I have two good contenders, I do like to ask someone else, in case they can point out something that might make one choice slightly better than the other.

Now I just Facetime my DD, and she happily helps me choose which outfit, hairstyle or whatever, is more flattering on me. She jokes that the next time her Dad asks me which Netflix movie we should watch, what I'd like for dinner (he's the cook) what he should get his mother for Mother's Day, etc. maybe I should just say "Anything is fine" rather than actually giving my opinion or preference, and he'd realize how frustrating it can be, lol!

This tread gave me a chuckle. I used to work with a man in his early thirties that was very slim and talked about how it was laziness to wear something that was larger than what you wore at age twenty. Last time I saw him I looked at his jeans and raised an eyebrow because like many with age his hip muscles had relaxed. He was still slim but his jean size was now 34 not 28. He told me I had won.

Chisue, say it isn't so 😥. I've spent the last two years of retirement on steroids (very high doses for at least 6 months and still trying to wean down). Dr's know it's an autoimmune disease and thinks it's lupus or rheumatoid arthritis but can't confirm. Had to quit smoking & drinking, basically have had periods of not alot of mobility, lots of water retention issues, bad blood pressure ... I'm a wreck. Was always healthy, active and lean but not so much anymore. I'm unrecognizable with the amount of weight I've gained (60 lbs) in just the last two years. I do have to cut out the sugar I crave (which is new) with a passion but that doesn't contribute to all of the weight gain. I wish it was that easy. Sorry for the tangent but have been feeling pretty miserable about it all. My SO does still feel comfortable enough to mention it when I'm complacent & feeling sorry for myself and it gets me all motivated (and hopeful) again.

Ladydi be aware that you are not the only one that steroids affect in that manner. I gained 40 pounds in two months.

Thank God maifleur. I really thought it was just me. I haven't given up hope that a miracle will happen & I'll go into remission. I miss my old self and life.

I haven’t read the responses, (to avoid loosing my immediate thoughts) but I don’t think it’s a matter of if one can handle the truth, IMO, its more about the relationship between the teller and the receiver, how it’s worded and/or it’s intent. The way one perceives information is also largely based on their life experiences as well. If you have someone who was teased a lot for being chubby as a kid, chances are that as an adult, he/she will be much more sensitive about the topic and likely even perceive the kindest of words about their weight as a rejection.

I don’t believe my husband would say anything to me about my weight. If I were to ask him about it, he’d say, “Why would I say anything? I wouldn’t be saying something you don’t already know and it may hurt your feelings, so what would the purpose be?”

What I do know is the place it would be coming from if he did and that’s what matters.

Ladydi -- Ack! Steroids! D@mned if you take 'em; d@mned if you don't. I've required them for years to treat non-allergic asthma -- with resultant bone loss, leading to two hip replacements and spinal stenosis. I understand about steroids! Do you have any sleep aids? Zolpidem? Anything for pain?

You WILL wean off, and the weight WILL go. You have seen a doctor. You have a probable diagnosis. Your medication is causing the bloat. You are not 'mental', Although steroids do make you feel crazy -- possibly why your BP is also jumpy. I hope you can get a clearer diagnosis and make progress past the steroids to try quell the outbreak.

A dear friend has battled Wegener's Disease for 20 years -- a merry-go-round of stability, then crises/steroids, then calm again. She relies primarily on her rheumatologist. I hope your medicos will get you on a more comfortable path SOON! (The KT is always open to help share a burden.)

Thank you for your kind words Chisue. Sorry for derailing this thread. I'm still optimistic but it's nice to know I have somewhere to go to share.

Ladydi, I was like you, active my whole life, loved being outdoors, and could walk for miles. I started having physical problems along with spinal stenosis and arthritis in my spine, and then along came hypothyroidism that slowed my metabolism.

No, chisue, it is not " in my head". I'm glad you're not my doctor.

woodrose -- You misunderstood me. I said that MOST weight loss/gain is 'in our heads' *UNLESS* you've seen a doctor and have a diagnosis (like your hypothyroidism).

A lot of people could maintain healthy weight if they realized what was 'eating them' -- bothering their emotions.

Interesting comments - we've been married 45 years and I can't ever recall DH saying anything about my appearance nor have I commented about his. It is definitely not a matter of 'truth or honesty' - we love each other deeply and have shared all the ups and downs most married couples deal with (including weight gain and loss). However we are adults, responsible for ourselves, our bodies. I dress for myself, I've never asked DH how I look, we both know how to dress or what's appropriate for the occasion. Appearance is just not something that we talk about.

My husband and I often asked each other, in pre-covid days, "Do you think this looks good for this evening?" or something along those lines. We both take it as helpfulness, not criticism, if the other makes a suggestion to wear something different. The only comments about weight we've ever made to each other have been positive ones; we're fortunate in that we've both been slim our whole lives.