I'm with you BB. This does seem to be the accepted practice these days though. I think it's tacky and small. I would do just as you have and insist. That may cause more problems than it solves however. I'm no help I realize.

Sounds like a Pinterest thing. If they are attached to a take-away party favor, that’s one thing, but I would still expect a written thank you note to follow. Ugh.

I never was to a bridal shower in my life, so no idea as to etiquette..take me with a grain of salt

(I was to a baby shower once, like, a big, real one..it was "Wow" that I'd never come up with, and wouldn't feel the need to, lol. )

but I'd be also appalled, to put it very mildly..now. knowing myself, I might still say "I'll help you" while hating myself and maybe her too through the process of helping, which is not the right mood to be in while preparing for joyful events..or I might be in the mood to speak the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth-I've no time for it, and my handwriting is horrible..which it is-I can't understand it myself shortly after I wrote something

If I was a guest-I'd be surprized to see that there are party favors, and small notes, and all. (I'd think "Wow"..same kind of "wow". again take me with a grain of salt)

I guess it's a nice touch? But I think you're already doing enough for her shower..and much more important thing too, in comparison to these notes...

Ok I feel better but I am definitely old school about this stuff including that guests are coming to give a gift not get one! No favors but I will have lots of wonderful food. I don't hold any grudges against the bride to be, she is more in touch with the way younger people do things than I am. And I don't mind writing all the notes if necessary.

I'm sorry. As an older woman she should know that she needs to write the thank you note. I am assuming at least some of the party goers will be in her age range and will most likely bring a nice gift. The least she can do is write a personalized note.

If she wants to personally write the notes and put them into a basket to hand out to guests as they leave, that's one thing but you should not be writing her thank-you notes. That's a big no for me.

I do understand that without phone books anymore and people not having land lines anymore that it is really difficult to get peoples addresses these days and I am very sympathetic to that situation.

Good idea blfenton, as I write down what everybody has given I will get their address too.

What is a "rolled up thank you note", anyway? I assume it's a generic "thank you" for attending? Will the bride-to-be open gifts at the party? Wouldn't this require writing notes after the fact? Is there a reason that writing the notes would be overwhelming to her? Number of guests? Physical disability? (You didn't mention HOW old this woman is.) She should already have addresses for wedding invitations, yes?

It's so kind of you to host the shower, and above and beyond to offer to help with thank-you's. Glad you put the kibosh on the note basket though!

I have never seen the rolled up thank you notes, nor have I received any kind of thank you note at an actual shower. The bride-to-be should definitely be writing her own invitations. I do not think you should be writing her thank-you notes. That just doesn't seem right!

Maybe part of your gift to her should be a box of thank-you note stationery and some stamps.

I've always thought I could make a mint if I started a business ghost writing thank-you notes for people. But judging from the OP's observations, maybe not.

I have been to showers where the thank you notes are addressed by the attendees for the bride to be to be able to have everyone’s address correct but she still will have to fill them out at a later date.

Bumble, I'm so glad you spoke up when she suggested a basket of generic notes ;0) And this is an older woman? (please insert - woman who should know better) At best, you could help her with the addresses of those who attend. After her wedding shower, our soon-to-be-niece told me last year she was waiting for him/our nephew to help her with the notes since her handwriting no where near as flawless as his. What? She was right. I've seen things she's handwritten since. A college degree and great job and her handwriting is so bad...;0) They did their thank you notes together, for two showers and the wedding.

If she is sending wedding invitations shouldn’t she already have the addresses of those that are invited to the shower?

How were the shower attendees invited, email?

I'm just curious why you would even consider writing her thank you notes? I'm not trying to be snarky by asking, but I've just never heard of such a thing. Even small children are taught and thus know how to write their own notes -- or at least they USED to be, and they still should be.

I would be tempted to not even take a thank you out of a basket. So nice of you to offer to help her, address the envelopes for her.

I have been to showers where the thank you notes are addressed by the attendees for the bride to be to be able to have everyone’s address correct but she still will have to fill them out at a later date.

^^^ Oh my Gawd...that’s hideously tacky, too!!! Holy cow, someone DID that?? “It’s just way to much effort for me to actually address your envelope, so please grab a pen and do this chore for me! And maybe slap a stamp on that if ya got one!”

I mean, I’m almost 50 so I guess old, but even when I was in my twenties I would never have done that! If someone is gracious enough to give you a gift...you somehow find a way to get a thank you note to them! It’s not rocket science. Hell, use a carrier pigeon if you have to. Unbelieveable.

I agree with you, Nini. There are still some things that people should be willing to put forth an effort to handle. Asking guests to address their own envelopes under the guise of "being sure we have your address correct" smacks of laziness to me, and if it's done for the sake of expediency, well, that's just tacky. When people take time out of their day to show up and give you gifts, you thank them the proper way.

Here's some more info: The bride is 60 and a school administrator. There's something off with her background but I don't know what it is. She is currently living with her daughter and she has 4 adult children.

Her fiance loves to Organize and start projects and lead at church, cough, cough, but others do all the work and he takes the credit. Everyone sees through this.

So I feel that the best way is to show by example and demonstrate love and kindness and do whatever I can do make her feel welcomed and special as a bride. I think she's had a hard life and she may have made and make bad choices but maybe not always to come.

There's no wedding except for immediate family and it will be in a field with a cookout and very informal. No pinterest rural wedding!

Maybe this was an 80s thing or a trend in my area back in the day but I do remember attending showers on more than one occasion where this occurred.

I am in agreement, you should not be writing her thank you notes! She's 60 yrs. old AND a school administrator? She should know how.

I have been to showers where the guests addressed their own envelopes. Always wondered how that worked out when multiple people went in together with an expensive gift.

One of the better ideas, or at least I thought, was an address book as the "guest book." It was pretty cute, and it served 2 purposes.

You were very kind to offer to help. Hopefully it was enough to clue her in.

WOW we are OLD, that is my take away from this thread. I have been to ONE graduation party where the thank you's were there in a basket the mother of the nephew handed as we said our good byes. TACKY for sure. At the time I racked it up to; well my sister knows her son. He wasn't about to write thank you notes. He did improve with age, we got a very nice thank you for his wedding gift. As the hostess I applaud you for your ability to keep to your values in your home. Please leave this bride to her own sensibilities. It is not your job to be involved in her thank you notes. Pre-written or other wise!! The question is now that you have said no, will she bring her own bowl of thank you scrolls? That would do me in. Your original question mentioned Etiquette. I know of no "expert" on such things that would give a recipient permission to not reply in writing a specific and heart felt thank you. A "generic thank you for coming " IS NOT A THANK YOU NOTE!

I was surprised to read that the shower guests are not being invited to the wedding, so I googled "Should bridal shower guests be invited to the wedding?" The answer is always. So, given that the bride is not inviting shower guests to her wedding, it is not surprising that she doesn't intend to write thank you notes. Maybe she doesn't know the rules of etiquette, maybe the rules don't matter to her. I can't imagine that a.school.administrator can't afford the notes or well, even a pizza party for a wedding, but maybe she can't.

One of the best ways I ever saw who gave what gift being recorded was a picture was taken. The receiver of the gift held the gift and whomever gave the gift to her was in the picture too. Then a copy of that picture is presented in a thank you note. The thank-you note was written later and sent to the gift giver. I thought it was a great way to commemorate the day and a great thank you thank you card.

I really enjoyed watching people smile so happily as they had their picture taken. they got a chance to have personal one-on-one time with the guest of honour. It was a birthday party but same thing.

Wow! Hopefully, the bride got the hint that the thank you note basket is not appropriate. Assuming she is clueless, I would give her a specific rundown of the day's activities. When she should arrive to greet her guests, time of food being served, then the opening of gifts. At the end of the day, she should stand up and thanks all the guests for coming, blah, blah. Explain to her that you will assign a person to make a list of all gifts and who gave them so she can thank them. At that time, you can also provide home addresses since these same people are not invited to the wedding. (That fact has me stumped).

Just curious, how many guests are you expecting?

I was an older first-time bride in 2016 and I hand wrote all my TY notes for any gift for from the shower or wedding within about two weeks. It's not that hard, really. Yes, those of us in education are super busy, but she needs to be told she needs to do this. And, I agree, a school administrator, a professional person, should also know better and be able to afford TY notes and stamps.

Sadly, in my gift giving recently I often get no thank you at all in any form, which is super frustrating when you are sending something off a registry.

She is not having a real wedding, just a minister and family, who seem indifferent. Jerry Springer clan. The couple is also broke for a variety of Jerry Springer reasons. I offered to do a shower for her when I asked if anyone was giving her one, and she said she hoped a family member might. It was pitiful so after thinking about it for an hour, I offered and they have been extremely grateful. But I'm picky and the thank you basket made me cringe.

Bumblebeez, you are a kind soul and I hope the shower goes beautifully. I suppose it's a fact of life that there exist those who have little to no clue that social graces are still "a thing", although I do find it often difficult to give someone a pass once they become an adult and have presumably had many experiences from which they could have learned how things are done in "polite society". That said, it is also gracious to extend kindness and compassion and to go out of one's way so as not to make someone else feel inferior, and it seems you're demonstrating that well.

What ratherbesewing suggested. I was appalled when I received a thank you note from the mother of a graduated high school student for a gift I gave the graduate!