Well, that would be one wedding that I wouldn't have to go to, or buy a

gift for. Do people not learn any manners anymore or even think about anyone but themselves? W

I think receiving an invitation to a wedding with 2 weeks notice is bad form. Some folks plan their social activities well in advance.

Would I be offended? Nope.....

I wonder if second tier is quite the right term. I could easily see a couple that has to stick to a budget sending out additional invitations once they've received their RSVPs and see that they have room for more friends in their budget. As another poster stated, sometimes you feel obligated to invite certain relatives or friends of your parents ahead of your own friends.

Yes yes. Bad etiquette. The older I get though, the more I give people the benefit of the doubt.

I do know that since weddings are so expensive and have to be booked for a minimum amount of guests way in advance, imagine finding out that you will be paying for so many infilled seats!

I think it depends on the circumstances.

We were married in a very small church and there was just enough room for our families and very close friends. But, we had an awesome reception planned with tons of food, a very popular local band and a swimming pool for the kids. We wanted to share that good time with people we weren't as close to but whom we still liked, had some sort of connection with and with whom we wanted to share in the festivities.

The feedback I received was all positive. The people who didn't attend the wedding but came to the reception had a fantastic time and made a point to let us know. Heck, maybe we were tacky and should have found a larger church, I dunno.

Of course, if inviting the second group is an obvious gift grab that is just plain tacky.

I meant to include in my above comment that we sent out invites to the wedding/reception and invites to the reception only all at the same time. As mentioned above, part of what determined who was invited was that our parents had people they wanted to invite as well and the guest list was just too big for the church. We also had some guests traveling a long distance to be there and they were invited to both the wedding and the reception.

Dawn, sometimes we have skipped the church due to logistics. Last June we wanted to attend a wedding that was hours away. It just wasn't practical to go to the church. The couple was more than happy to have us at the reception. And most likely would not have realized either way but DH was close to the groom and they spoke about it.

A co-worker of my husband's ( that he barely knew ) told him that he wanted to invite him to his wedding but they could only have "so many people". They had some guests who could not attend so he would send out an invitation. This was three days before the Saturday wedding. Friday afternoon the invitation arrives, addressed only to my husband, not even a plus 1. I was furious. Cearly, he only wanted a gift. One week later, I sent back the RSVP card saying MR & MRS regretted they could not attend. Yes, I returned rudeness with rudeness.

That's tacky. No way around it.

I once received an engagement announcement with a gift registry of what to get for the future bride....then later realized I WAS NOT invited to the wedding! I never received a wedding invitation. I sent a gift, never got a thank you note. I was speaking to my "friend" later, she was telling me about ALL the wonderful gifts...one of them was mine. I said I never received a thank you note...she said she never sent any out. She mailed me a VHS video of the wedding I missed. :0) Pretty funny...if you think what manners she had.

funny's not the word I'd use nicole ;)

I think it's tacky. Back when I was planning my wedding 5 years ago, I read a lot of wedding forums and it was hotly debated. A lot of the defense was budgetary reasons as even small weddings are very expensive these days (my photographer alone was over $3k).

I can also see it happening if a lot of the people invited live far away and aren't expected to make it. It's dangerous to invite more people than there is capacity for so I can see the logic of tiers in that situation.

If it is second tier, gift grab, I'd send a note saying I couldn't make it but to invite me to the next one.

Tacky, tacky - send that poor child a copy of Emily Post, mamas just aren't instilling proper etiquette in today's children.

I would never accept a second tier invitation. They have paid for so many guests and want to harvest a gift. Unacceptable.

So many couples focus on the superficial stuff and forget about the marriage.

I think you send invites for your max budget. If everyone comes, then great--you can still afford it. If not, then you save money.

But someone above brought up that booking in advance requires you commit to certain numbers. If, closer to the date, you find that you're paying for more than who's RSVP'd, then I can perhaps understand inviting more. BUT, if this were the case, I would call the added invites to personally invite them, explaining that because "Dad's side" can't make it (or something to that effect) and you have extra room, you'd love for them to join the party. But I still don't think I would have enough gumption to do that. I'm not an expert on wedding etiquette, but a tiered invite list doesn't sit right with me.

LOL we too are living this. When the venue is TIGHT or it is a destination wedding I think this is logical and becoming a thing. In the case of my son and new wife they discussed this as the river boat only held so many and if the usual percentage declined--they wanted to make the most of it and send out a second wave later. They ended up deciding against that, so I avoided that embarrassment. BUT due to the amount of friends and the small venue I was not able to invite my co-workers or friends which since there ended up room I was sort of bummed about. My nephew did this and told family "first wave" invites we have until a date so she can send out others. Tacky--ya but realistic I think it is. These young people have to invite family but if we as aunt and cousins decided we didn't care to spend the $$$ the hotel will be and endure the 16 hour car ride for a nephew's second wedding...well it seems fair she should be able to replace us. It isn't about anything other than the venue is not able to hold EVERYONE and this princess has had this place in mind since she was 10!! The second wave will not know they are second choice as we are talking a year away and she will be well with in the "usual" 6mos. notice for the second wave of invites.

Arcy, I would understand in both of those cases, especially since we're not talking about a church basement reception. And few would argue with making family a priority, especially given the timing of the invites.

My edit function is not working, I guess. Arcy, I meant that in the cases you describe, I would understand the timing of the invites because of the venues and because family was the top consideration. And, they clearly planned far enough ahead. The OP's situation screams "afterthought" to me.

That's fine. Invite me to one or the other because you want me there but I don't want to be 2nd round draft pick. LOL

What happens if the first tier folks now respond late? Are they to be told
"no room at the Inn?" It's a mess, all the way around. I hope they get 26 fondue sets.

I agree skibby and what about those that don't RSVP and show up anyway--that does happen. I think this is why my daughter in law decided against the process. A niece was married last Christmas. She invited the 20% more than the venue would hold--because EVERYONE says so many don't come...she was really sweating it out as the numbers came in. She was a nervous wreck anticipating not having room for everyone!!

So tacky! I would ignore and immediately put said invitation in the trash.

I think, too, that brides overestimate the number that WILL attend. I use to cater and it was always there's going to be 300 people . . . 350 people, etc. because that is how many they invite. But I think the average of attending versus invite is around 50 percent. So if you invite 300 people, then 150 will probably show up. If they booked the room and caterer and guaranteed the 300, then yes, they are in trouble because they'll be paying for way more than will be there.

We were evidently B-listed one time. My mate was hurt, I think more than she acknowledged. We had known the bride since she was a baby, and the bride's mother is our child's godmother. The invitation came with a sincere sounding, "oops we forgot" letter.

We sent our regrets but also had a present from the registry delivered. No registry was mentioned on the invitation or in the letter. We looked it up at department stores and online registry sites until we found it.

I do think this was a case of having fewer acceptances than they'd first thought. The wedding was in a huge church, so space was not the issue. I think the reception was the issue....We never talked with the couple or their parents about it.

That was both generous and gracious of you to send a gift, Matthias.

We invIted 125 for DD’s wedding and 115 attended.

i know two women - one a good friend, one an acquaintance. The acquaintance was a good enough friend to my friend to ask her every summer if she could stay with her for a week until she could get into her 2 month rental, and she did. This woman invited 500 people to a very elaborate wedding in NYC - reception at the old Plaza hotel. Friend was NOT invited and the woman had the audacity to tell our mutual friend that they just “didn’t have room” but if they could have had 100 more, they would have made the cut. Needless to say, my friend was speechless.

People should not be having these big elaborate weddings when they are clearly beyond their means, to say nothing about being beyond their upbringing, ie knowing expected etiquette and how to be a gracious host. What happened to receptions in church parlors or their parent’s homes. When I was married for the 1st time in 1966, my parents didn’t belong at any clubs so we had the reception in their very pretty garden. No tent, no band, buffet dinner, all seated. If it had rained, the furniture would have been removed from the house that AM and reception would have been inside. It was lovely! When DD was married,we had a limited budget, so it was a small high noon wedding with a seated luncheon in our church’s lovely reception room. There was a 4 piece band playing Lester Lanin kind of music, the food was fabulous, and high quality wine was served. I did the flowers and it was a gorgeous small, very personal wedding. People still talk about what a great wedding it was over 22 years later.

50% decline??!! NEVER have I heard that guesstimate nor have I ever heard anyone having that experience. That would be awful to plan around.

I also think a 50% decline rate is way more than actually happens. I would expect at least 75% would show up, if not closer to 90%.

let's face it, some people are second tier.

weddings are outrageously expensive and certain people have to be invited and some you love to have come, but you have a budget or number you need to stick to with the venue.

i think the problem with OP is that they got the invite a week prior, that is so wrong.

wedding invites go out at least 6 weeks prior with a 2 week RSVP wait time, plenty of time to send out 'second tier',

eg: i would love to invite my friends & neighbors but others-family, wedding couple friends & co-workers would have priority of the parents of the B&G over my friends & neighbors so more than likely they would be second tier. and frankly, most people should understand that with the way things are today....

i would understand, depending where i am in the pecking order, and receiving it within a month prior to wedding.

I don't like weddings enough to attend one where I am a second tier guest.

Y'all mightvisit a site called etiquettehell.

It has various categories , such as bridezilla, something about greed, Etc.

It's just chock-full of stories like this, and the administrator / owner says that second tiering is a shortcut to Etiquette hell.

She says that weddings are Gatherings to celebrate your marriage with your friends and family. They are not reality shows or gift grabs.

The wedding that anglophilia described as her first wedding would be something that etiquette hell would like:

You have the wedding you can afford, and you invite your dearest people.

Well heck! It's been awhile since I visited etiquette hell, and it looks like it is no longer active, but the "stories" are still there.

I think the notion of rigid "etiquette" has faded from the scene. What should be considered in these situations is common sense, politeness, and the Golden Rule.

What would you think about getting an invitation the week before an event that was obviously planned for months in advance or even longer? If too dumb to realize the possible offense, default to "not sure so won't do it".

A tacky move lacking class.

So glad to see I wasn't the only one who was appalled at the idea...

It wasn't a wedding, just a birthday party -- here is what happened: a friend invited my husband and me to celebrate his wife's birthday. Time was 730pm.
We were happy to go, bought the gifts. When we arrived we realised that we and a few other people WERE the second tier. The birthday celebrant and their closest friends were just finishing up their dinner. We were the after dinner guests. I don't have time to hold grudges. It was a lesson in how not to treat your friends, any friends.

Oh here's a wedding story. A cousin that I see a few times a year at family get togethers was getting married. 400 guests were invited. All of OUR relatives from out of town were making the 1000 mile trek. Five days before the wedding, the bride called me and asked "What are you doing Saturday?" and asked if I'd come to the wedding. I attended and was met by Mother of the Bride in front of the church who said sweetly, "We're sorry. Nothing was meant by it." And I love them very much. You might say that they were justified in forgetting me because we don't often see each other but this was truly a clan affair. It was simply an oversight.

The reason this came up in conversation was because my friend (her daughter received the late invite) ended up having 2 extra tickets to a big country show in Minneapolis for the same weekend as the wedding. I don't know the band as I don't follow country music. But it's a band her DD and boyfriend love. So they asked friend if it would be bad if they decided to not go to the wedding and go to the concert instead. Since they did tell the bride yes they would attend, my friend told them to find out if the reception was a buffet or sit down. If it was sit down, she told them they should attend but if it was buffet they could skip. I guess if you are a second tier guest, your event might be second tier to some guests. Go figure

Back in the dark ages when I go married, you decided how many friends & family you wanted to invite and THEN planned the reception with that in mind. I've enjoyed many more Fellowship Hall receptions than "fancy place" receptions.

Where I'm from you go to a wedding to support and celebrate the bride & groom's choice to make a commitment before God, the rest is just "icing on the cake".

Raye, it was also a time when if one had accepted an invitation, a "better offer" was no excuse for backing out of the accepted one.

Today, one sees weddings that are so beyond what the couple's "real life" is, that it's just astounding. They want it to look like Martha Stewart (or perhaps bigger, gaudier) but their friends don't even own a sport coat let alone a suit. Their guests are dressed in jeans and a short sleeved shirt, and no tie and they're wearing their Nikes. Their date all decked out in some flashy dress.

When I was young (when dinosaurs roamed the earth), one entertained according to ones station in life. If one was from a solid middle class household, no club memberships etc, they had a simple church wedding and a cake and punch reception, either at the church or at home. One watched the original Father of the Bride and that gorgeous wedding and knew it was something for people far more affluent than they were. The same was true for the wedding in High Society. We might have thought it would be lovely to have such, but we were realistic. We did what was appropriate, no one went bankrupt and most of the time, the marriage actually lasted.

When I hear the term "fantasy dream wedding", I can't help but think that this is NOT the way to start a marriage. A marriage is about ones "real life", not some fantasy of a teenager. That doesn't mean it can't be beautiful and meaningful, but forget 300 people and a lot of glitz. Heck, I don't know 300 people to invite to anything! I'll be lucky if there are 50 at my funeral!

The weddings I've been to in recent years have been increasingly secular and often performed by a non-religious "officiant". I'm not sure what's involved but knowing one non-religious friend who did it for the child of a mutual friend, it can't have been more than filling out paperwork.

It's a happy occasion and a reason to have one or more parties. I think the "celebration" aspect seems to be key.

I think sometimes people are out of touch with costs of weddings these days, even modest ones. We only had 20 guests and still spent over $20k. I don't think I had anything excessive. It adds up really, really fast!

There's always the courthouse and a cake and punch reception to be had for little money, but I don't fault people who want a fancier affair. I don't think it's worth going into debt, but people have different values on the luxuries in life.

I don't believe in one's "station in life" LOL. If a couple decides to put on a fabulous diamond encrusted wedding, and all their friends show up in short sleeve shirts and Tennis Shoes, I think they have shown their values, much more important than their station. They invited their friends.

I have 5 siblings. Between them I have attended 7 weddings.(one brother is on his third wife) I don't remember a lot of detail, they started marrying when i was very young, but I do remember thinking that the whole thing was a waste. I have thought that at every one of the dozens and dozens I have attended. Maybe it's because weddings in general bore me. I watch "Say Yes to the dress" and am floored by how much money someone will drop on a dress to be worn one time. Some of them will pay my mortgage for a year!!!! If me and SO ever decide to legally marry it will be a trip to the courthouse then a ride to Krispy Kreme to celebrate. Alone.

I have 15 nieces and nephews. I suppose within the next decade or so I should be bracing myself for the hub bub surrounding their weddings.....

At least I know that their family is not tacky enough to do what the OP detailed. Ugh

I cannot imagine how it is possible to spend $20,000 on a wedding with 20 guests. How much did the dress cost? Where was the reception? Per se in NYC? What kind of flowers?

In the end, it makes absolutely no difference what an "average" wedding costs; it's about what YOU can afford. If your budget is $1000, then figure out what you can do for that amount of money.

I can easily imagine a small affair adding up to 20k. There's the venue,the officiant,the license,the photographer,the flowers, the dress, the tux, the food, the drinks, the music,yikes.

I once joked to my parents that I could sure use whatever money they saved for my wedding for a down payment on my house,since I was an old spinster after age 30.... It WAS a joke. My father took me seriously and considered it even as I protested that it was JUST A JOKE,my mother shot it down,forever hoping for that Catholic wedding. Either way, I never would have taken it, I'm already had a down payment. And at this stage in my life if for some reason I was to have wedding (not gonna happen, but if it did) i would never allow them to pay for it.

Amy, we paid for ours. I was almost 30, DH 36. Both of us hadn't lived home in years.

The biggest upside was that we did what we wanted and how we wanted it.

Oh it was very easy to spend $20k. The photographer alone was $3k, my dress was $1,500, flowers were another $1,000, reception was $5,000 (that was a splurge - dinner at Mastro's in a gorgeous private room), rehearsal dinner for everyone, officiant, chair rentals, coordinator, park permit, marriage license, tux rentals and bridesmaid dresses (we didn't want our bridal parties to have to pay their own money to be in our wedding), hair and makeup, videographer...it just adds up. I live in a high cost of living area where anything "wedding" has a serious, serious markup.

It was very nice and I'm sure I could have cut corners but I don't feel like I had anything extravagant. I have peers in the area who have weddings that cost well over $100,000 (their parents pay).