DD is looking for opinions on baby daughter's name
amicus
5 years ago
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boundaries with daughters first baby
Comments (6)I know this is a somewhat old thread, but in case you are still reading: As soon as I read that she shut your out for 93 days, red flags went off. Why did you count the days? Most people would say for a 'few months' or 'several weeks' or 'three months', but you actually were counting the days. It suggests obsession. You should be able to go 93 days without seeing your grandchild without panicking. The fact that your daughter is accusing you of being 'overenthused' about the baby is another red flag. You cannot use other people's babies to give your life meaning. I'm glad you have other activities with your church and your hospital, that's wonderful and shows that your heart really is in the right place. But as they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. You say you want to be the best grandma you can be, but seem not to understand that it is not about you. This isn't about you being a grandma, it's about this child...and your daughter...and your daughter and soninlaw and this child...and about ALL of this baby's extended family. Your daughter's made it very clear that she needs more space from you, and if she's cut you off several times and have told you 3 times to back off at the party, it's clear she feels smothered by you. It does not matter if the baby likes you a lot, or even likes you best--I imagine the baby likes chocolate a lot too, likes chocolate best of green peas. But the green peas are what's going to make her grow and the chocolate is expendable. You say you walk on eggshells around your daughter now, and this implies there's something wrong with your daughter, that she's being harsh or unreasonable. But that's not necessarily so. People also walk on eggshells when they are in unfamilar territory, such as when they start a new job and don't know the routine and office culture and their role in working and their place in the organization. It doesn't make the company bad or unreasonable because the new employee is walking on eggshells, it just means the new employee is unfamilar. Well, you have a new role in life, grandma, and several new relationships: that with your granddaughter and also new relationships with your daughter and soninlaw. You are in unfamilar territory. And it's made even more unfamilar because you are no longer 'boss'; your daughter is, and she's showing you your new role. Much of the role of grandparent is defined by the parents. If they have similar concepts of what it means to be a parent and what it means to be a grandparent, there's no problem. But if the parent and grandparent have different assumptions, there can be problems. Your daughter is telling you you are overstepping, and to balance your enthusiasm she needs time off from you. Apparently increasingly long time offs. It's not in your best interest to 'not understand' what she's unhappy about. She's telling you to back off, she's letting you know that her child is not going to be your new hobby. Take her seriously, you have a lot to lose here. Back off, and if you find yourself thinking about this baby all the time and anxious about your relationship with her, talk to a therapist. There are some unhealthy reasons people get preoccupied with babies. There's a woman on welfare in CA with 14 babies under the age of seven because she had 8 of them all at once who honestly believes she's just being the best mother she knows how and has nothing but love for children in her heart. She'll probably never be convinced otherwise, but almost everyone else in America understands there's something wrong with her. I'm not saying there's something wrong with you. That woman is an extreme. But it's clear that your needs to be a grandmother are clashing with your daughter's need to be a mother, and possibly with this baby's other grandparents needs to be a grandparent too. I'm sure the birthday party has come and gone since you wrote this, and I hope it went well. I hope also that your relationship with your daughter is becoming more stable as well. Good luck to you....See Morebaby shower-need your opinions please!
Comments (17)Lisa, Some ideas from an "older" woman! Please take them in the vein they are offered, and do what you please. I'm not really that old, but I can get considerably grumpy at times, LOL. BTW, I just turned 50. The only baby showers I expect to be invited to anymore are for my son's wife if he ever has one, or one child of my very best friend. I know the idea of having the guests address their own thank-you envelopes is an idea that has taken off among the younger set - but seriously, as an "older person", I was shocked the first time it happened to me, and a bit offended, too! Reasoning - I've been invited, I've taken time to either make or shop for a gift, and the bride (in my case) or mother-to-be can't take enough time to write her own thank-you notes? Either thank me, or don't, but don't make me work for a thank-you note. I'd rather not have it. If you're going to be having a large number of older people, you may consider having (assigning) someone to fill out those envelopes, or have it done in advance, or just skip it. The older folks will be offended. And you or your daughter will all ready have the addresses if you've invited the people. Use a computer and print out the address labels in advance. Also, JMHO, favors are not necessary! I came for the party to "shower" the mother-to-be with a gift, and I really don't want a "thing" to take away. A thing means I have to store it, or use it, or pitch it - in other words, it puts an additional obligation on me. And a favor that is a food item will be left by more than 1/2 the guests - been there, seen it happen too many times. Save the money and start a savings account, LOL. If you absolutely must do favors, please, an unscented candle (I have asthma), wrapped in the tulle with a ribbon, but I don't want to have to throw out a plastic safety pin, diminutive bottle or other "baby" thing. And I will throw them out, and so will your guests! But I could possibly reuse the ribbon. I find it wasteful of both money and resources to stick little plastic things on gifts. I much prefer to be provided with a beautiful chocolate truffle to eat AT the shower - and one is enough. I LOVE, LOVE the idea of a clothesline on the wall to pin the outfits on!! I think that's brilliant! I also think the decorated onesies are a wonderful idea! Also great is the idea of having guests sign or draw on a quilt block. Have them all over-sized, with the freezer paper already ironed on. Draw the border, so they don't go into the seam allowance. Have fabric crayons or pigma markers ready, as well as some ideas for simple drawings from coloring books, or a list of "baby sayings" for them to write. As to the games - I'm not hard of hearing, but I also have little tolerance of shower games. I would not participate in a measuring of the mother's belly. I was 29 when I had my baby, and I was horrified when people at work wanted to touch my belly - and work people threw me a shower. Fortunately my DH worked at the same place, and he stopped them from playing that game. LOL. They still made me a fricking hat from all the ribbons, and insisted I wear it for a photo. I didn't like that either, but tolerated it with good grace. Bingo might be tolerable. Understand, all of these shower games started when it was giddy 18 and 19 year old girls having babies, and the people who attended baby showers were all the same age, and the only older people were the mums and grandmums. Friends of the parents didn't usually attend. They showed up AFTER the birth with a lovely blanket or outfit, several days after Mother and baby were home. So I don't know how old your DD is, and you have to consider both her and the audience. I was a good 10 years older when I had my first than my mother was. My sensibilites and preferences were too. Shower food - crudite and dip, fruit and dip, finger sandwiches if you wish, cake, punch, tea and coffee. Maybe a truffle. Please take this in the way I intend it - tongue in cheek for the most part, but also trying to save you some money. I would concentrate on nice food and drink, no favors, only one game at the most. Sit around! Eat! Open presents! Nothing more is required of a good shower. Hoping I didn't sound too grumpy, LOL. Mary...See MoreI made a Baby Changing Table for DD#1 (pics)
Comments (41)Gorgeous piece Tom!! You should be very proud-I'm sure it will be treasured! Can I give you a tip? We have a dresser that has been passed down the generations. We got name plates engraved with the babies name and birthday and lined them up in order of use on the inside of one door. My daughters are numbers 6 and 7! 3 generations and hopefully my girls can use it one day and continue the tradition! Might be nice if you could do something like that too?...See MoreDD being harassed by roomates-what's your opinion? (Long)
Comments (28)Thank you all for your responses, I couldn't get back on until this morning to reply. I'll hopefully address some very good questions you have all asked. Firstly, the landlady had phoned DD, but as she was leaving for work, she gave permission for the landlady to enter their house and leave the envelope on the kitchen counter. DD thought it would contain one total cheque, or 4 seperate ones, but she found a legal size envelope containing a spread sheet showing a breakdown of the usage and cost of the utilities covering their May to May lease of last year, and four letter sized envelopes inside, with each girl's names and the (same) amount of cash written on each one. The lease agreement for the flat was one contract, signed by all four girls. It stated that the rental fee was X amount per month and the utilities fee was X amount per month, making the amount owed each month a total of that combined figure. The landlady verbally offered to rebate the girls at the end of the yearly lease if her utilities invoices came to less, because she had made some major energy savings changes in the house and didn't know how well these changes would actually affect the costs each month. Kudos to her, she kept her word and rebated them the overcharge to the penny. My DD has a friend who just passed the Bar, and after she told him what was happening, he explained that their lease agreement makes all the girls liable to pay the amount they signed for, regardless of some ending up leaving for the summer. He basically told DD that what her roomates are trying to do amounts to extortion, because they are not entitled to any portion of DD's rebate money, just because she stayed in town for the summer while they left. Of course, DD did not mention that in her email, because she knows these are law abiding girls who in their hearts just think they should get back more of a refund since they aren't there to use any utilities for the summer. DD works all day and is away every second weekend for her job, so being away much more often in the summer than she was during the school term, she's using even less than the quarter portion of her 'allotment', which was already a huge overcharge. However, her lawyer friend said that's a moot point because lease agreements operate a "you lose your share if you're not there" mentality, meaning a tenant isn't entitled to random discounts throughout the year when they come and go, using less utilities. He said the same applies in the summer months if it's a year lease, so tenants who wanted to be absent for extended periods of time should have sublet their room to defer their costs to someone else while they're away, since it was not prohibited in their lease. DD has since talked to the landlady, who feels badly about the trouble DD is having. I was even more shocked that she risked leaving cash when I found out she's a longtime landlady who rents out more than 30 houses in that university town! However, she agreed to take back the cash and replace it with 4 cheques, so she'll have the cancelled cheques as her receipt, and so that DD won't be accused if the money got stolen. DD has decided she will send out one final email if any more nasty ones are forthcoming. She plans to write "I had assumed that since we all realized we still had to pay our same utility fee during times we were away and didn't use them (example, when 3 of us went home for 2 weeks at Christmas) that likewise, you would realize any rebate would be divided equally. I apologize for my incorrect assumption, but I just didn't realize any of you assumed differently. If I had somehow gone OVER my portion of the utility fee for the summer months, I certainly would have paid the difference, since none of you were here. However, as I still used less than one quarter of our utility allotment, I am entitled to receive the same amount of rebate. I'm sorry you see things differently at this time, however I have enjoyed wonderful times living together and wish you all the best."...See Moreamicus
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