Boy, I guess there are multiple levels of issues we can all face. One is just division of labor and how spouses feel about that--so, DW may be expected to do all the house cleaning and DH may do car upkeep, bills, home repairs--substitute any similar examples. Are they each happy with the division? If not, is it because of the job--drudgery, or whatever--or time commitment ("I spend 4 hrs a day on chores and you spend 30 min). All that can be tricky to divide up and still never may be 50-50. Then there would be more of the "slob" issues in which one person creates a large burden that seems unnecessary or inconsiderate. We think of cleaning most often, but a different example is if someone abuses the car, or an appliance, or stop up the toilet (especially if repeatedly and not just a simple mistake) and then the other person has to pick up the pieces, perhaps with a large time commitment or $$ commitment. As in the example of the really messy cook (I mean, if REALLY messy)--then the cleaning spouse could have a job that can't be done with a reasonable amount of time and energy--and at night you can't just hire someone to come fix it. Control is a factor for me--I am less likely to complain if I have to clear up someone's clutter, as long as I can do what I want with it. It becomes a major problem if I can't move it, can't sort it, can't organize it, but have to watch the dirt accumulate on top of it or can't use the dinner table, or chair. If it just turns out that picking up is one of my jobs in the division of labor scheme, I can often do that, and then I decide if I also have time to cook dinner, or whatever.

NO! I don't like to shop really. I shop like a guy. Go in,pick up what I need and I'm out of there. I'll browse places like home stores and kitchen places and I like to check out appliances and other house stuff but I'm all about function. I either drive salespeople nuts or quickly earn their respect when I refuse to let them sell me on the "cosmetics" of something. I want quality and function. I don't really care if the item comes in puce. I've been known to take things like ranges apart in the store. Not unscrewing or dismantling but removing all that lifts off, pulls out etc. I check for burrs and ask about factory finish. I look at weld and rivets and how well the anodize is on cookware. I heft things, check them for balance and think about how I will use the item. I used to take DH with me to shop for appliances but now I am confident enough in my mechanical abilities to do it without him. After all these years I understand how things are built and very often how they work. DH is more of a consumer than I am. He is more apt to make impulse buys than I am. So I don't like taking him shopping. I do send him shopping for groceries and stuff but always with a list. He always buys something extra. I'm the frugal one so I hold the purse strings. DH keeps a generous sum of walking around and personal expenses money and hands over the rest.

As usual, Sweeby has said what I am thinking. Do you plan to have children with his man, considering his lack of parenting skills? There are multiple issues to be dealt with here, and I don't think 3 weeks can even break the shell. I'm not saying jump ship, I'm saying that if you are making a lifetime commitment THIS is what you are committing to - the situation as it stands now. By saying I do you are saying you accept things as they are. What strong motivation for change is there when the ink is already dry on the marriage license? You may think change will still come, and it may, but the urgency is gone. In a man's view you've already accepted the 'terms' of the deal so now you have to deal with them. As for the terms of the deal - there are several to be addressed. Problems with the man and problems with your attitude toward the child. 1) You have denied many times, and I feel you believe your words, that you do feel SS is a not primary member of the family. I understand things were better before, something changed; they've gone downhill, but as a step mom and a step child reading your words I see between the lines to what you are conveying without writing it. He is a distraction from the life you pictured with this man you love. I get that - I've been there. BUT - this child is his life, convenient or not. If you have to force him into the 'picture' there is something wrong with your 'camera.' It's been said many times - this boy is your present and future as much as he is his dad's. From their perspective you are being 'forced' into their picture. 2) You can't force a child to feel at home anywhere, you are right. You can make him feel welcomed, loved, included and wanted though. He will feel how he wants about each house, but wouldn't it make you feel good to know you provide an atmosphere that he is comfortable enough in to call home? You don't get off the hook by saying 'He's not going to feel at home so sleepovers aren't needed.' That's HIS call. Respect him enough to let him decide where his comfort level is. If at 12 he doesn't want them any more as you did so be it. 3) You can not EVER be the judge of what time FDH and FSS need together. Every relationship is different and there is no set rule to what a person 'needs.' It sounds like FDH would like to have every day with his child, so how can anything less than that be enough for him? Just because you find it sufficient doesn't mean they do. To try to put restrictions on that is only asking from resentment from them both. Now the man ~ 1) COMMUNICATION. You just need some, and fast. I think communication levels stem from respect levels, so this is a huge red flag to me. Time to find out why his respect for you has lessened so drastically. What happened in his mind . . . or is it once he 'won you over' his true colors came out? I think you need to know this before you say I Do. 2) He is disrespectful, no two ways about it. You have every right to be involved in the planning of your household. There is no reason he couldn't call you to say 'DS has a game tonight. Do we have plans - I'd like to go. Would you like to come along?" Perhaps a solution for this would be to get a schedule from the coach for the season and put it on the fridge. Better yet, get a calendar and put them on there. Then also put the nights you have book club, or dinner with Sue and Joe. Then if you have a conflict, it's time for the compromising Ceph outlined. 3) Disneyland Dad. That's gotta stop. I know before my DH got custody we both had a tendency to try to have all good times, but that's just not realistic. All it does is set a child up with an unrealistic expectation of life. What about if you two have a child? How will he discipline that kid and not his son? This will open up a can of worms you won't want to deal with. I would think long and hard about this before even considering children with him. 4) He will have to give his ex some 'say' as to what happens in your house as she has custody and the final say since there is not formal parenting plan. This does not mean FDH can't put in his own 2 cents as well, but I'm here to tell you that this is unavoidable. She will be a part of your life and its best you come to terms with that now. Even as the wife of the CP who has raised my SD since she was 5 we bend and twist around the ex. Your gut twists too, but you learn to cope. . . . or you don't and it eats you up. Their family may be gone as you said, but their mutual obligation to their son isn't. 5) Time off with son. This is a hard one as I go both ways. I don't think FDH should be told he can't take time off with his son, but I also understand you are excited about this marriage and want to celebrate that on a honeymoon with your new husband. Perhaps if cash is such an issue now you take a mini honeymoon for half the planned time and then do something with FSS for a day or two> In a year when the finances settle down take a honeymoon for your first anniversary. I understand YOU want this trip, but what does FDH want? Compromise . . . Whew. Time to get back to work. Food for thought . . . .

I snooped over the weekend... okay, I cleaned SD's desk because it was a horrible mess with papers sticking out of drawers. No, there is no suspicion on drugs, etc. I don't need to be suspicious of drugs... and I sure the hell don't have to toss the room if I suspect drugs! I can look at a kid and tell when they are high. There's no suspicion about it.... I know my kids! (and they can't lie to me... well, they can lie but I can tell when they are lying and I know BS when I hear it!) and I wasn't 'searching' for anything incriminating... I found a couple of notes she probably wouldn't want anyone to see... but then she shouldn't be writing that kind of stuff and leaving it in such a mess. I also found several pages of homework that she had claimed she turned in... not done and shoved in a drawer. She has three weeks of school left and has decided all of a sudden to stop turning in her homework. (Of course I'm sure it has NOTHING to do with her mom's claim that she's failing in school so custody should be changed so she won't fail in school... I'm sure a mom wouldn't tell a kid to fail on purpose so she can gain custody!) I don't know where parents that give kids a right to expectation of privacy are coming from.... I just don't get that! No, a kid should not feel violated... but they do not have a right to privacy the way an adult does. When they have a job, when they pay the bills, when they have their OWN place, then they have a right to expect privacy! Until then, they are dependent on the parents and they have no rights. I grew up knowing my parents could search any part of their house at any time. I guess if I was going to do something wrong, I had better learn to hide it somewhere else. It would have been easy if I knew that my room was off limits to searches... I could have hid bodies in there! Mutual respect? Parents are supposed to be in charge and superior to children. There is a hierarchy in parent/child relationships that seems to be fading in our society. Children respect parents... and grandparents. But, that seems to be falling to the wayside and now we need agencies to protect parents and grandparents from kids that don't respect them and take advantage of them or abuse them. It is disgusting to me how many kids talk crap to their parents in public and I'm convinced that it's because these kids are made to feel they are entitled to be treated as if they are equal to an adult and that their wants are more important. I cannot imagine ever demanding my parents buy me something and if I asked and they said they can't afford it, that I would tell them "well you spent $XX on yourself!" as if I'm entitled because they spent their own money on themselves. That would NEVER happen in my youth but I hear that stuff all the time from kids today!