Well pruning the lilac is a good start, thank you Karl. It does bloom but in a very mediocre kind of way. I really don't like the look of the violets. As jplamp said, they look pretty for about a minute and then awful the rest of the summer. I really dislike them. So madgallica, I am not sure on some of your questions. I have only had Mutabilis for one year and in Fall it put out a bunch of basal breaks. They all died over our harsh winter and the whole thing almost died to the ground. Maybe one or two canes left. So I don't know if that will happen every year or this year was an exception. Can you plant something like Mutabilis in a raised bed or would that cause even more winter damage? Two, the other cage is Japanese Quince. It is also only in its second year. I will plan on a total of 5 feet in width for that but we planted it between our house and our neighbor's (with permisssion) so maybe I should plan on 3 feet for clearance. I think we will have room left over but I need to measure. In locations where nothing has been planted for years, our clay soil is hard as a rock. I didn't understand what you meant by the last sentence, a large shrub bed (in both senses). Would you ditch the lilac bush? We wanted a pro to prune it last year and he said don't waste your money on that.

You really are in the worst possible situation here - and the worst is that everyone is at a distance. I agree that you should contact your local Alzheimer's Assn. chapter. Also, there's an Academy Award nominated film by Deborah Hoffmann called Complaints of a Dutiful Daughter which is a beautiful chronicle of a daughter trying to do the right thing at the right time for her Mother who has Alzheimer's. I wouldn't be surprised if it couldn't be downloaded off the internet. Just some random thoughts that may not apply. Do you know if your MIL sees her doctor regularly? Sometimes something easily curable like a bladder infection really knocks the elderly on their pins - mood changes and acting nutty. Those can lead to dehydration, blood pressure drops, dizziness and falls. At the stage where your MIL is now, being a little delusional is a kind of defense mechanism (which she probably isn't even aware of) for her being confused and forgetful. Making notes, of course, is the same, but that won't last too long. There are so many different kinds of dementia, at least 35, but for those people in my support groups who have a loved one with Alzheimer's type dementia plus hallucinations - Lewy Body dementia is brought into the mix. Is there someone in the town where she lives who could be trusted to call her on a regular basis? Neighbor, friend, someone from a church group? You or your BIL even though it would be long distance? As long as mail and newspapers, etc. are disappearing, those people who come by the house daily would never be aware someone inside might need assistance. Would she consent to a device like "LifeLine"? It happens sometimes that the local police are asked to check on the welfare of someone elderly and that could result in Social Services being called in. Even in assisted living, someone might still have to help manage some of her affairs. Your BIL with her POA or a guardian. No matter what, it's going to be gut wrenching, but it makes more sense to consider bringing her to a facility close to you or your BIL rather than leaving her protected in a facility but still at some great distance from either of her sons. And the time to look into facilities is now. You're not obligated, but at least you'd know what's out there when the time comes. Like asolo said, sometimes it's that catastrophic event that forces your hand. But sometimes despite someone's best efforts, catastrophies occur. I know this is eating you up, but you've got to try and look at things with a "colder eye" so you've got the right frame of mind for the decisions that are going to come down the road.

I almost painted my weird apricot/peachy bathroom tile when I moved in (fall 2019) but my friend talked me out of it. I also have black accent tiles. I found a stunning shower curtain at Target, a sort of watercolor motif that picks up perfectly on the tile color, painted my walls grey (sounds weird but it works with the black tile), added gray rugs and towels and a brushed nickel towel rack/hooks. I get so many compliments and I'm so glad I didn't paint it. Do share whatever you decide to do.

@Stephanie Billadeau - I won't tell you that gray is wrong or that beige or taupe or greige is right. The truth is that there is no perfect neutral that works for everyone. I started my color journey about 20 years ago when I had a color dilemma that I couldn't solve on my own. I found a mentor that helped me find the right colors. I was also working in the mental health field while I was looking for colors for my house and became fascinated with the impact of color on our mood. Since you have not begun painting your home I would like to ask you to take a step back before making any color decisions. I may also be saving you several decades in getting your home perfect for you. What I have learned over the past 20 years. There are colors that bring us joy. There is a connection between happy memories and the colors we associate with those memories. Seeing those colors actually raises the amount of dopamine in our system and makes us feel happier. (When we are depressed and dopamine is reduced we see less color - everything is less colorful and we say we feel blue, but we are actually feeling gray). For most women these colors that bring us joy are the same colors that look good on us. My sisters and I are all over 60. By this time in our lives we have figured all this out and each of our homes is decorated with colors we love (Colors that complement our skin tones, eye color and hair color). We have also figured out our style. I have not studied furniture style vs personality type, but there seems to be a pretty strong connection. I can look at the homes that my siblings live in and understand why they chose the colors and furniture styles. It fits their personality. Without going through my entire large family I will give you just a couple of examples. I am a winter, dark eyes, dark hair, fair skin- burns, does not tan. I am also a manager of a team of data analysts who analyze data quality. By nature I am an introvert - too many people exhausts me. I like numbers and colors and animals and nature. I look good in clear, bright colors, especially reds and purples. My closet is filled with large patterns or solids or a solid shirt with a large flower or animal graphic. It should not be surprising that I am drawn to MCM furnishings, clean lines, solid colors, not a lot of patterns or anything overly busy and the prominent accent colors are teal, purple and red. The neutral that I picked for my home is taupe - gray with a bit of beige that leans purple and my white is a very clean white. My sister made her living studying consumer insights. Very outgoing, quick wit, extrovert, charismatic. Extravert - People energize her. She is a fall - medium brown hair, brown eyes and an olive skin tone that tans easily, never burns. She picks clothing with much smaller, busier patterns than I do and has a lot of muted colors that make me look sick. Her home is an eclectic mix of Antique Queen Anne furnishings and industrial pieces. Her accent colors are greens, golds, orange reds. Her neutral is Moss - a gray beige with a green undertone. My sister-in-law is blond haired, fair skinned with blue eyes. She was a stay at home mom until her kids were grown and now works at a jewelry store. She is a mild extravert - likes people, but doesn't feed off of their energy like my sister. Her home is decorated with country style, oak furnishings. She has cornflower blue and peach as her accent colors and cream as her neutral with a creamy white. Being one of 6 kids and being married to a man who was one of 7 kids I have had the opportunity to look at dozens of homes belonging to people who I know intimately and see how their styles and colors are influenced by their coloring and their personality. I think when we are young we are strongly influenced by current trends and what is popular rather than look inward at who we are and what we love. Can I ask what colors make your heart sing / bring you joy? Do those colors - the one's you want to incorporate into your color scheme work beautifully with gray? Do you wear a lot of gray? Do they work with the trim color you have?