How old is she?

Step-moms:
Sometimes we are just the collateral damage in some other family’s war against themselves. I think you need to seriously evaluate what you and your child are getting out of this relationship. Reality: Controlling, manipulative BM (or other family relative, such as MIL) and faint-hearted, enabling DH = Step hell.

Most SPs start out attempting to do a great job. I think what comes later is more-so a question of whether you are lucky or not. For the most part, either SPs get lucky or they don't. Either SPs fall into a situation where both mom and dad have truly moved on and are at least somewhat appreciative of SM's efforts, or they are not. The SKs mirror the parents, for the most part. I don't blame them so much. At least, not until they are adults. Or, SM falls into the situation where BM has not moved on, is controlling and DH is weak, and won't stand up to anyone, except for maybe SM. I agree with those who say if SM and SKs are not getting along, look to the bio's, specifically mom and dad's, behaviors. And, I do know that there are bad SMs, just as there are bad bio parents. It goes without saying, but this is not the norm by any means.

I think a big problem is that to some of us, it didn’t even occur to us that we would be treated like shiatsu just because of our title—SM. Speaking for myself, I just assumed that if you were nice to the SKs, they’d accept you. Now that seems incredibly naïve, but if you go by conventional wisdom, this is pretty much what gen. society says about SMs: Most are evil or bad because they are self-centered and don’t care about their husband’s children, yada, yada, yada.

Little did I know that when I married a man with children, I could literally be an angel sent from heaven to help them all (SKs, BM, DH), and I’d still be treated like a skank for “daring” to intrude on their family. Doesn’t matter that I had nothing to do with ma and pa’s divorce or mom’s passing, doesn’t matter how nice I am, doesn’t matter how much money or things I throw at them, and so on. None of that matters, because you are going to be the one to blame for most if not all of the ills of the family. And, not only will the family do this, but society as a whole will back them up on this as well.

Even today, there are many so-called professionals who act like SM should have no say or authority whatsoever in situations that will impact her own marriage, household, lifestyle and even her own pocketbook. Sad, but true. This may be the year 2018, but as far as SMs are concerned, it might as well be the year 1918. My thoughts, anyway.

Do you want to be in a relationship where you will never come first? (By the way, personally, I don't think kids come first even in intact or initial families. It might look cute on commercials or sit-coms, but no child runs the roost nor should in any household.)

Hate to tell you this, but if it is him, kids, ex-, MIL, then you are fifth on his list. Do you want to be a SO or wife, or do you want to be a free-babysitter and this family's lackey? It is up to you. Right now, it sounds like you are more the latter. You can be the former by either saying NO and meaning NO, when it comes to your own time or rights being manipulated, or by finding someone else who values you and supports and promotes your role as his SO. You can be his SO, and he can be a dad, and his children can be his children, and so on. It is NOT a question of choosing who comes first or picking sides. It is a question of the roles in the household being properly assigned and carried out.

No SM wants to be in the position where she is seen as a nanny or lackey or literal 2nd wife with DH, step-kids and BM or MIL all having first say, while SM either has last say or none. In this case, you might as well be a nanny, only nannies (most of the time) don't have sex with their manly employers and nannies also get paid. You don’t want to be in that role where you primarily feel like a free babysitter, with side benefits for the "man" of the house.

Yep. Too many out there expect SM to just sit around and act like a friendly auntie when stepkids come over to the house and act like they can do whatever they want, including whacking any of their half-siblings or the family dog. Stuff that most wouldn't even take from a neighbor kid, SMs are expected to take and put up with in their own household time after time.

You are supposed to cook and clean for stepkids and clean their noses out with a snot rag. On the other hand, they owe you nothing. Their parents took a vow to stay together with their family, and they broke that vow. You see, they could not even suck it up and take it for their children. But, boy oh boy!, you certainly will be expected to suck it up and take it for someone else’s children.

You can't be a wimp and a SM. Really. Once you realize that you are expected to take on the responsibility and blame for the fallout from someone else' divorce, without any authority, and be expected to act like the invisible woman at all events where BM is present, your fangs and claws will start to grow and they need to, IF you are going to survive this. You need to learn to say NO and mean NO.

In the past, women were expected to do their wifely and religious duties and just suck it up and take it. Surprisingly, for SMs, this is not all that different from now, which is one of my big beefs--that in the year 2018 SMs are still thought of as little more than indentured servants, possibly only earning some freedom when the SKs are grown and out of the home for good. But, you can’t even really count on that!

Nonetheless, if there is one thing I learned over the past couple of years, SMs have to stick up for themselves and not give a dang at all what other people think. Because, pretty much anyone other than a SM will think you are supposed to suck it up and take it. Just say NO, and mean no. No guilt. Rinse, lather, repeat.

You need to have a heart to heart with your DH and make your concerns very clear. Too bad if he doesn’t like it- let him know that eventually this is going to be a dealbreaker if it isn’t fixed now before it gets worse.

Don’t be available when his daughter visits. Take your kids and go visit your mother, or whatever. Let your husband know this is how it’s going to be as you can’t risk being left alone with someone who has a track record of lying about a stepparent to get them in trouble with CS.

And if she steals from your daughter, she’ll steal from you, and in time her father as well if no one stops it now.