Thank you so much for sharing this piece. I really enjoyed it.

Even the most basic company dinner requires work, let alone a holiday dinner. Sometimes we do need a break.

Although I feel for the woman who is hurt by a 30 year tradition being discontinued, I would add one more suggestion. The hurt woman should have a heart to heart talk with her sister and perhaps ask what she herself could do moving forward.

The host might make her new tradition going away for the holidays and her the invitees might need to understand this as well.

There are many scenarios. The host always really liked doing it and did not want help for all those years, or she liked it enough but resented getting little help, or she did it out of obligation because no one else would take it on and also resented it.

DH and I have small extended family in the area. Thanksgiving is my side, Christmas is his. For both sides, we are "it." This year I decided to not host Thanksgiving and instead had both my sisters come to me for dinners in October. One lives far and really wanted to see my two DD's. I'm not sure what I will do next year.

DH's sister does not cook. When she tried, it was a nightmare. So for Christmas it is up to me. We did beg off Christmas Eve and just keep it causal for just us.

A host gets to call the shots, despite hurt feelings and expectations from others. It might be time for new traditions and someone else to step up and orchestrate them.

I'll keep doing hosting for as long as I am able because having family fly in from California and Florida is what the holidays are all about. It's not what you serve or how you set your table, it is who is around that table that is the ultimate gift, at least for me.

Thanks for sharing this. I am the Holiday tradition keeper of our large family.

As I age I feel that Holidays are coming around faster then before.

I’ve asked myself “didn’t we just do this” a couple times in the last few days.

This year is the first year that I have not found the spirit, hopefully it will hit me later today.

bah humbug! (Not really)

Of course, it's always the "in-laws" (LOL) but I was "up to here" with DH's sister and her family -- but I bided my time and when his mother passed, the family holidays of Christmas and Thanksgiving the year before was our last. Without "MOM", it was different and I went in a different direction.

I am sure DSIL and her family was not happy but I was tired of hosting the ingrates -- bring nothing (except for a can of cranberry sauce that she only brought in when she ascertained that I had not bought one why use hers if I had bought one -- use mine) and doing nothing but eating (and eating a lot) and there were 3 of them. Re cranberry sauce -- I always made fresh -- she didn't like fresh and I had served canned but then decided that why should I have two -- she brought it in after we had all sat down so I had to go to kitchen to open and find a dish to put it in -- By the time I got back, everything had passed me by and all were eating. So then I had to ask for the food to be passed my way.

Interestingly, she usually calls about a week before Thanksgiving and Christmas -- "fishing" and hoping for an invitation. We don't!

I love hosting dinners, however, I have no extended family issues. My extended family was very small and gone now and my husband's family are so awful, I have nothing to do with them, hence there are no big gatherings, aside from friends, which I love (the gatherings and the friends.)

I read stories like this with tremendous interest. I cannot fathom how you would be so disconnected from the person who hosts your family get-together as to not know where she was headed. I find the lack of reciprocity astonishing and how completely depended the two siblings were on the one who hosted shocking.

I have a cousin whose wife always sits back and enjoys the family gatherings his mother hosts. The wife once told me that my aunt loves to do dishes. She was serious. That is what it looked like to her, otherwise why would my aunt be rushing around doing all that work?

As my boys grow up and will eventually start their own families I wonder what things will look like and I try to learn vicariously as much as possible so as to avoid pitfalls when the time comes for changes to my traditions.

I'm cleaning. I'm hosting tonight. My sister hosts tomorrow. The actual 25th is casual.

If its not fun, don't do it. I dont cater to peoples weirdnesses anymore. If you dont like something I made, I don't care. Theres plenty of food. And even some cans of soup if you really can't find anything you can eat (we have some picky eaters).

My mom made herself ill over it all. Life is too short!

Mix it up. For about 5 years we went abroad on Thanksgiving. Now we are hosting it again. Refreshed and newly thankful!

Merry Christmas!

I totally understand needing a break. We’ve hosted Christmas Day here for the past at least 24 years and, although we’ve enjoyed it immensely, I am always stressed with the planning, buying, cooking, cleaning and decorating the entire month of December. And this is with my best friend bringing half the food and helping with the cleanup after. My DD and DH help, too. But, it got to be that my favorite day of the holiday season was the day after Christmas. No one is invited over. We stay in our pajamas or sweats all day, relaxing, chatting, playing games together by the tree, and eating my great leftovers. Nice, but also kind of sad. This year, though, with BF’s adult daughter expecting baby #5 and the other four, ages 7,6,3 and 18 months, I suggested having Christmas Day at their (large) home, and they agreed. I assured her that her mom and I would bring all the food and drink, but this way the little ones would have access to all their new Christmas toys, their familiar bathrooms, and their own beds for naps. It’s a win/win compromise in my opinion. AND, for the first time in many years, I’ve had a relaxing, enjoyable Christmas Season!

I can’t even imagine hosting a group of people on such a special day who would ruin it with their complaining, arguing, not helping out with bringing part of the meal, or who don’t help with the cleanup after! I’ve been blessed with wonderful, thoughtful and helpful family and friends . . . and it still was exhausting! I’m not sure if this new Christmas situation will become our newest tradition, but I can tell you this, I’m very much appreciating this year’s reprieve!

There's got to be more to the story. No sister would cancel all future Christmas Eve hosting without an explanation.

I hosted both TG & Christmas until DS1 married, then he and his wife took up the tradition for both dinners also. Of course the in-laws brought tons of food and help and it goes without saying our children didn't have to keep an eye on their little one's. The two grannies had that taken care of. ;)

Lynn, your story reminds me of the time DS1 & his wife were both sick on Easter, a holiday I kept hosting after they married, and this was when they lived 20 miles away. I went ahead and cooked a large dinner and took them two large plates of food with dessert. They definitely appreciated it. I wouldn't be surprised if your friend decides to stay home on Christmases, that's what we did when our children were born. Kids need to stay home at Christmas.

This has turned out to be a very entertaining read, runninginplace. I find myself checking to read the replies, which are still coming in! It's like a train wreck. I know I shouldn't but can't help myself!!! Oh my!

So happy that neither my husband nor I have any interest in traveling to see our families at the holidays (OK, ever), it has freed us to have our own holidays with the kid and friends without the bickering drama of my family and the can't-ever-relax-and-be-yourself rigidness of his. And IMO the woman who wrote the "poor me" letter to the advice columnist is being childish and selfish, and I have zero sympathy for her.

Every family is different (or should that be the same?) but I have some advice to those who are tired of hosting the family gatherings. Just say so. My parents hosted for years. Appeared to enjoy it. Mom did most of the work of course. Then one year she announced defiantly, angrily that she wasn't going to do it anymore. Fine with us. The "kids" took over hosting. If she wasn't enjoying it, why didn't she say so?

If you do decide to "say so" don't do what mom did afterwards. My brothers really wanted to mix it up food-wise (mom always made the exact same meals for holidays). Mom would get annoyed if ANY of the things she used to make, the way she made them, weren't included in the meals. Let it go.

“Mom did most of the work of course. Then one year she announced defiantly, angrily that she wasn't going to do it anymore. Fine with us. The "kids" took over hosting. If she wasn't enjoying it, why didn't she say so?”

chances are she didn’t know how to express herself, didn’t want to disappoint her family?

I can kind of empathize with the letter writer - not the part about resenting her hosts not wanting to do it anymore, but maybe just the exclusion during the holidays. I have zero family (except my son and grandson - a complicated situation because he was adopted to and raised by another family, so I don't have any expectations of family traditions with him). I have one cousin who is also an only child like me and we grew up always sharing the same Christmas traditions with our grandparents, aunts and uncles, etc. She and I are the only survivors; she has 2 kids and 8 grandkids between them. None of us has a big enough house, or the inclination to host 15 or more people. Plus, she and I have grown apart because she joined a religious sect that I find a bit unbearable.

So, I have had to make family from my circle of friends and am always included in their holiday plans; one family the weekend before Christmas, one other couple and their families on Christmas Eve, and another dear friend and family on Christmas day. This year, she is recovering from caring for her dying mother, who passed on a few days ago. So this year, I am bringing dinner and cooking it for them, so she doesn't have to.

I feel lucky that (probably because I was an only child) that I have always had close friendships and am included. If I were someone who didn't do that and had a sister I relied on to be my social/holiday connection, then I can imagine a holiday without her might feel very lonely and a rejection.

You never know about people's relationships, but if they were close, I could imagine a "we aren't going to host the holidays this year, but are going to Mexico for some sunshine. We want to have some family time with just our little family, but if you and our brother would be inclined to vacation nearby, we could make plans for a special holiday dinner in Mexico (or wherever)." If they aren't close, then that would be a stretch for the hosts. I just think there could have been a more gracious way to bow out of hosting, without leaving your sibling dangling at the last minute.

I cannot fathom some of the stories. 40+ people who bring other relatives who bring other relatives entire families??? It only makes sense to me that when a get together goes farther than immediate family it is pot luck!!

The advice and the comments do nothing to change my opinion that the New York Times is the better newspaper and their readers are more intelligent.

As a hostess of large family holiday gatherings for many years, I'm of mixed feelings. The 'only do it if you like doing it' applies to some extent; I do enjoy the prospect of everyone gathering at my home to celebrate. OTOH, once again in the post-holiday reverie, it is *so* *much* *work*!

This year as always it was tremendously draining, not only the event but of course the preparations, the catering duties day of, and the clean up/break down afterward. I've tried to simplify menus, prepare as much in advance as possible, get gifts wrapped and house decorated early....and it's still just a damn tough, intense job!

As I told my husband, people who don't do it cannot possibly truly understand just how many moving parts go into creating a party, especially a party for 10-15-20-more people. Let's face it in daily life, most folks NEVER host those numbers, or if they do in today's world hosting often means a very casual potluck, paper plates and red solo cups gathering. Which is fine but worlds apart from the elaborate holiday menus and parties we hostesses create. The corollary is the psychological truth that people always underestimate how much work or effort others make! I have a personal mantra "just because I make it look easy doesn't mean it's easy"

Anyway, sitting at Christmas dinner this year I thought about a comment from the lady who cleans my house who mentioned she'd been hired to help at another customer's party. I believe Mtn has such household assistance and I realized that if I could do that, I bet the experience would be much easier for me--if I wasn't the one prepping and serving and cleaning up I bet I could enjoy the day myself much more ;). Not sure if that will ever happen but it is one way of easing the burden.

I have a personal mantra "just because I make it look easy doesn't mean it's easy"

Such truth! As for hiring help for parties, I have done it for large cocktail parties. What a life saver.