Oh geez...here it depends on who’s fueding, not getting along, made someone mad, doesn’t want to be around people, harboring selfish grudges.... that kind of crap.

40 years ago my first sibling got married. She decided fair fair trade off Christmas/New year's. So for 15 years after I married I schlepped three kids and hubby four hours north only the schlep them four hours south the following weekend. About the time my offspring were entering the Jr. High age I said STOP THE INSANITY. I informed both families we would visit one or the other every other year over the New Year's weekend or there about. I needed to develop traditions that would bring my offspring home to our home. I don't think there is one fits all answer. Every choice has consequences and rewards. The upside is make a decisions do that and see how it works. You can always rethink it and make another choice.

seems simplistic but, 1 year with your family, next year with spouses family. trade off each holiday -Thanksgiving & Christmas if celebrated.

i was lucky! DH's family really had no traditions, so he just leaped onto ours. we would see his dad on Thanksgiving morning, dinner at my parent's. Christmas Eve at my parent's, Christmas Day at his mom's. every year.

when our kids got older and wanted to stay home and play with toys, his mom had her dinner the weekend before Christmas. so i was very lucky not to have too much drama... his dad would come before Christmas to see us.

now, both my parents are gone, so we go to my sister's for Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve. home for Christmas. we have his parents usually weekend before for a small get -together, only about 2 hours, yay!!

We went to both for both Thanksgiving and Christmas. Christmas was all split up. Christmas morning was always at the child's/grandchildren's house in the morning, followed by my mom's. Always. It's my younger sister's birthday and mom's sobriety birthday, so we have a big brunch bash. Christmas Eve might be at his parents, my grandparents, etc. Later in the day, we'd go to his family's. We always hit both families. It was doable though since we all live in middle Tennessee/north Alabama.

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Presents. Only the children got presents in both our families. His family had a white elephant for the adults.

We have DD/SIL every other holiday it alternates with her in-laws. Our son is divorced and has 2 kids - so that has to work around his schedule with their mother. We decided a number of years ago that the getting together was the most important thing and when we did it wasn't as important. That has worked well for us and we always see everyone together during the holidays. It does help that we all live close enough together for that to work.

We decided that we would stay home! And have our own traditions. Getting together with family sometime before Christmas for a gift exchange (both sides) and eating Thanksgiving dinner at our home. The rule has always been anyone who wanted to come could -- just let me know a week before and for a while they did until my brothers children became adults.

I am divorced, and ex and wife live in the same city as me. Ex's wife does not like to cook so the grown kids are at my house at holidays for the meals and go visit ex in the mornings, or afternoons, not around meal time. My son in law does not go home for holidays, but sometimes his brother comes to celebrate with us. It all works out.

We take turns for holidays...if my children are here for Thanksgiving they spend Christmas at their spouses parent's and we reverse for the next year. On our off year, we usually have our celebration on the Saturday after the holiday.

We did the same. Thanksgiving at one parents home and Christmas at the other. We switched the next year. My sister and her family did the same but somehow it ended up that we often weren’t together. Christmas Day was wild. First we opened presents at home, then went to ne grandparents house for the afternoon, then the other for dinner. Both lived nearby. It was exhausting, but fun

We always alternated the holidays between both sides. As circumstances changed, we would come up with a new plan that was suitable for everyone.

For gifts, we each draw a name and only have to buy for that person. There is a price limit to keep it simple.

Just a different perspective. We have a small family, both sets of parents are gone for many, many years.

I can't help but sit here and think that relatives fighting over me for when I go where, might not be a bad thing.

Said "tongue in cheek", of course.

Both sets of parents are gone now as are most of the older relatives. We have no children and the cousins, nephews and nieces are spread far and wide. My closest relative (sister) lives on the other side of the country, so we no longer have to try and figure out where or who we are going to spend holidays with. The last few years, we've been going on a vacation to somewhere warm for the holidays.

Back when things were different, we ran ourselves ragged in order to see my parents/siblings, FIL and his family and MIL and her husband. We finally started hosting Thanksgiving and inviting my family and MIL/husband to our house. FIL was busy with his large clan and didn't seem to mind that we opted our of seeing him at Thanksgiving.

For Christmas, we spent Christmas Eve with MIL, Christmas Day with FIL and Christmas afternoon/evening with my family. It was exhausting, but for some reason Christmas was the one holiday where we were expected to make an appearance by all three branches of the family. We never heard the end of it if we didn't.

In later years, we had a several hour drive to get to the relatives. One year, we stopped for breakfast on the way and I decided to have steak and eggs. We get to MIL's for Christmas Eve dinner and she has decided to skip her traditional lasagna and serve a roast. The next day, we arrive at FIL's and he has decided that rather than make the big turkey dinner, we're all going out to a local steakhouse for prime rib. Later, we show up at my parent's house and my mom announces that she is tired of making ham and this time she is serving bbq steak. I swear, I couldn't eat beef for months after that!

Edit to answer the gifts question. Once everyone became adults, we stopped with the gift giving. Even hubby and I don't exchange gifts with the exception being if one of us happens to see something that they know the other would love. But, there is no need to reciprocate because it all evens out over time. Eliminating the gift giving really took away a major stress factor and allowed all of us to enjoy the holiday aspects that were important to us - eating food prepared with love and spending time with family, especially those we didn't see very often.

First, I remind myself that I am not in control of anyone else’s hurt feelings, especially if I am not being intentionally hurtful, and the only family I have an obligation to be fair to is my own immediate family. Then I look at who’s around and what makes sense for my kids and then we do that.

As for gifts, we approach it individually. My SIL’s love language is gifting, it’s really important to her, so we gift to her family. My family- gifts are completely secondary to getting together for a meal, so no gifts there. We simply can’t afford the financial or emotional burden of gifting beyond siblings/their children so we don’t. If my financial situation offends my second cousins, then so be it.

MiMi

Oh geez...here it depends on who’s fueding, not getting along, made someone mad, doesn’t want to be around people, harboring selfish grudges.... that kind of crap.

There needs to be a LOL icon button to click for this comment. This is just funny.

Yes, but oh so true.

Hubs and I have never had that problem. Both of my parents and both of his parents had died before we ever met, so immediately there was no issue with "which set of parents do we spend Thanksgiving/Christmas with." And I've never been able to successfully carry a pregnancy so we don't have children to worry about. Hubs is one of 5 boys, but his brothers have, with rare exception, always done holidays with their respective in-laws.

My sister and I used to switch hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas for our families. One year I'd do Thanksgiving and she'd do Christmas, and the next year she'd do Thanksgiving and I'd do Christmas, etc. Since she has been married to her current husband (14 years now), his two sisters and their families have always been included, so both holidays are always hosted at my sister's house. Some years Hubs and I don't go because it can get crazy there with so many people, so we have a nice peaceful holiday by ourselves.

We don't do that. We live in Florida and neither my relatives nor the relatives of the missus are within a eight hour drive of our house. We general solve it my going on a cruise; as we are this year. Our cruise begins this Friday in Venice and we get back to Florida on 22 December. We'll mail Christmas cards from Italy.

I have always done the holidays. My DH was an only child and his parents did not raise him. So we did our holiday thing, and my sister has almost always joined us with BIL, and my brother did before he married. Two of our kids are married now, and DD rotates--one year she does Christmas with us, and the next year she does Thanksgiving with us. DS tries to spend his holidays with us, and DIL comes for Thanksgiving since her family doesn't do Thanksgiving. For Christmas, she flies to see her family, and usually DS comes here because of work and costs. They will have their first child in the spring, and we have no idea how that will affect things. Younger son's SO spends Thanksgiving with us as we are the only ones who do Thanksgiving in that situation too. In recent years, we agreed to give presents to our kids, their spouses and the grands.

When we were first married we lived in Texas so it was my family every year as his family was so far away. A few years after being married, we moved to North Carolina - far away from both families. We began spending time with other friends who also had no nearby family.

"We'll mail Christmas cards from Italy."

You can be sure they'll arrive before Christmas 2019, although how much before may be hard to guess.

For many years, I always had to work at least the eve or the day of both Thanksgiving and Christmas, to complicate things further. So we tried to alternate the non-working day between parents. Fortunately my dad/stepmom started hosting a Thanksgiving dinner on the Friday after -- the only holiday event where I would see my closest brother ( when I was living in the same state).

At first, when my DD was little, I would make the 3 hour trek to either my inlaws (before divorce) or to my sister's (after we moved to her state) so that my DD would experience a "family" holiday. But, you know, these weren't people that we had much contact with the rest of the year and weren't terribly affectionate toward either of us (you may recall that sister had a terrible jealousy problem, and yet demanded that I come to her holiday dinners, I was never sure why) -- so I stopped, and worked on having our own traditions at home.

One can have all the "sharing" plans on earth, divorce decrees can specify who get the children when, but in the end, the ones who "win" are those who dig in their heels the deepest, have the most money one is hoping to inherit, or can afford a lawyer to defend their custody/visitation actions. This does NOT mean that anyone will LIKE these "Holiday Bullies", but they will usually march to their tune.

He goes to his family. I go to mine. No kids to worry about. In recent years it seems that I have been working every holiday. This year I am working Thanksgiving and Christmas, and will contribute to the food but wont attend any celebration. When my siblings got married and started having kids, at first they would haul them back to their in laws one year, my parents the next year. As the kids got older, most of them decided to stay home on the actual day to start their own traditions. Some will come for celebrations AFTER the holiday. My sister is hosting Thanksgiving on Thanksgiving. My mom is hosting one the day after. I wont be going to either, but one sister and one maybe two brothers will go to my moms. She is a little ticked but I am working, and she doesn't want to change the date so that's how it is. I will be putting up my office Christmas decor. l like holidays to be fun and joyful. Guilt trips and drama do NOT a Merry Christmas make...If there is an issue, (rarely has it happened) I prefer to stay home and watch Christmas movies in front of a roaring fire. I recommend it to anyone with family who insists on ANYTHING holiday related.

Our family does not do gifts at all for the adults. Parents are responsible for their own kids gifts. One of my sisters has organized an "ornament swap" type thing among all the nieces and nephews. That seems to go over well. I give money to 2 of my nephews who are also my Godsons, and send them one of those 3 flavor popcorn tin things, just for fun. Other family, no. We are all doing well enough that we can buy what we want when we want it. Takes a lot of pressure off, which helps us really enjoy each other. And of course, me and
SO buy for each other, because i enjoy getting him things and he enjoys getting me things.

It is so interesting to see all these posts! I would have loved to stay home on Christmas Eve, especially when my girls were young. But it was alsways rip into stuff and make sure to go to the in laws after. They even called if we were 5 minutes late. It’s still the same, but now the girls are grown up (25 and 21), so we have part 2 of our Christmas after we come home. My sister in law tried to change it too after they had their son 8 years ago. No go. My older daughter will not be here for Thanksgiving this year (she is in NY) Mother in law already complained plenty about that and is probably going to cry over the turkey. My husband is in Spain. Still trying to see if there is a flight that will get him here for the dinner. If not, she will have a fit. Going to remind her that at least with my daughter she doesn’t have any say at all. She can alternate between us and her boyfriend’s family or just start her own stuff altogether. Some of you may remember my post back in Spring about having to buy presents for everybody for Easter and hiding them in the middle of the night. Most of you thought it is nuts. Christmas is a lot worse with the present buying.

I don't do presents, and I don't want any... no plans to feed, water, or otherwise take care of anything else.

I go to my younger daughters for Thanksgiving. Have done so, since 2010. Works great, no presents needed/expected. I don't go anywhere for Christmas.

Most of my family lives in Germany, me, Oklahoma.

One daughter is a vegan, atheist and now lives in Korea. Nope, don't spend holidays with her, but used to do birthdays.

Other daughter lives in New Mexico, married, 2 children. The adults have WAY more money than me, and shower the kids with WAY MORE STUFF than I feel they need, and I am not having any part of it.

cynical? Yes, prolly, but this works for me.

Moni

I am fortunate that family I really care about is near enough to see and celebrate with outside of regular holidays. This year we are not doing anything special at all. DH is down with a cold and I don't really care.

I will be with the grand kids for most the day tomorrow. That is holiday enough for me.

DS works weird times and often he and his wife to spend holiday meals with friends. DD will sometimes go to her in-laws. I am pretty sure she would rather stay home this year too since she is working so hard this week at her job.

We don't do gifts except for the grand kids. Our entire family will get together sometime between the week of Xmas and the first part of January. Whatever time we can logistically arrange for all of us to be present.

Family is important. A date on a calendar not so much.

I used to hate having to pack up the kids and present ourselves at my parents on every holiday. Especially Christmas. Let the kids enjoy what Santa brought at home. I swore I would never do that to my own kids and I live by it.

Iris, it sounds like you have a very difficult and irrational mother in law. Sorry you have to deal with such nonsense. It sounds like you have adult children, it's probably too late for you (or better, your husband) to adjust her expectations to understand that other people have preferences and commitments that they don't need to first clear with her.

IMHO the holiday should be about finding a date all can make it. I do not envy the people who spend most of their holiday shuttling back and forth. Car rides just do not say 'HOLIDAY' to me. And MN winters to the mix and travel is just not something one can count on. When my offspring have their own families I hope we can find a day that doesn't impose on their holiday and we can gather as an entire group. In may family of origin my father declared it was Christmas or never and everyone falls in line---well not EVERYONE...so I don't see them at all. It's all about give and take and when a person tells me my way or the high way--I choose the high way every time.

All my nieces and nephews (my siblings children) are all now married with their own kids and are starting their own family traditions and have to answer to their own in-laws. Thanksgiving isn't as big a deal in Canada as in the US (well, atleast for my own family) but we always do an early Christmas dinner so that everyone can be there. This year we're doing it on the 22nd. It helps that everyone lives in town.

I will then do a Christmas dinner and who ever doesn't have plans will be there. My son and his fiance will be there as her family celebrates Christmas Eve and my other son and his partner split up. She goes to her moms and he comes to our place and then to her moms for dessert. They're only 10 minutes away so it works well.

Once we had kids of our own, we decided to form our own Christmas or holiday traditions. And that meant staying home to do stockings, unwrap gifts, have breakfast, etc. After my dad passed mom would often come over Christmas Eve and spend the night. And sometimes we would go to another family house for Christmas dinner.

But driving all over the countryside to spend a few hours here or there?.....no way!! Much of the family was not within diriving distance anyway and those who were we got together with before or after Christmas but did not over-stress ourselves, the kids or oher family members by trying to see and spend time with everyone.

When my daughter was little, DH and I desired to 'share' the holidays as much as possible. My parents and most of my siblings were always within an hour or so drive. DH's parents & sibling were about 6 hours away. We usually did Thanksgiving with DH's side of the family, staying at his folk's farm house for a couple days. Lots of fun with the horses, sheep, dogs, and other farm animals; great food; good memories. Christmas Eve we spent at our own house -- that was our personal family time. Christmas morning DH, daughter and I would drive up to spend the day at my folk's house. Lots of fun, food, and little presents exchanged with all my siblings made for a happy, lively day trip. We'd often spend a weekend after Christmas with DH's family, for 'second Christmas.'

Now that we don't have little kids in the family, and DH's folks and my mother have passed on, schedules are more relaxed. Church service will always be evening of Dec 24th, but the food & celebration can happen when convenient.

We've both always lived very far away from parents and siblings, so thankfully there hasn't been conflict. Parents are gone, so are older relatives. Just siblings and their kids and assorted cousins are left, some of them overseas. It would be nice if we all lived closer, but that's not likely to happen.

We do almost always spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with our oldest son who is barely within driving distance, so we alternate holidays. He is divorced, so there is no conflict with in-laws. We also invite assorted friends and others who are by themselves. Youngest son has no interest in spending time with us since he got married, so all holidays are spent with his wife's family.

Divorced here. I gave up trying to coordinate the holidays with the ex years ago. If I picked a day far from the holiday to spend with my kids, they would tell him and low & behold they would then pick that same day, even if they had picked a different day before that. My poor kids had (and still do sometimes) have to eat at my place and then drive an hour to their father's on the same day and try to eat again. I purposely chose to work this Thanksgiving. Luckily my daughter was able to come on Monday for our dinner and she will spend tomorrow with her father. My son is flying home on Christmas day this year, so I guess we will have our dinner when he gets home, which will be late in the evening.

My dad died in 1968. Prior to that, the family always got together at my parents' house. That came to a screeching halt, but it didn't matter much to me because my niece and nephew who were my closest family members....as far as being more like siblings....were gone. My nephew to the Navy and my niece went to Midland to be a nanny.

My sister was always difficult and didn't get along with my brother's wife, so my mother started going to my brother' house. We spent a few holidays at my husband's aunt and uncle's house. We didn't have a child until 1980. I really never minded not having family get togethers. Actually preferred staying home. Now they have all passed away. Even my niece and nephew, who were my age. My daughter married into a family that is big on family get togethers.....so they spend holidays with her husband's family. No grandchildren, so I don't have to buy presents. I give my daughter and son-in-law gift cards, so they can get something they need or want.

I have been out of step with the rest of the world all of my life. but I don't mind, and since most of my family has died now, I prefer the time spent alone.

How do I decide: The nearest and best cook. Not really, just kidding.

Much depends on distance. Both my parents and my wife's parents are gone, so that leaves us, our children, and siblings. My nearest family is my 2 sons who live within an 80 mile radius. We try to get them together with us for a dinner. Since everyone has their own lives, it is not always convenient to do this. We make the invite and they come if they can. Of course, we do try to find the best time for all of us. For example, my oldest son works at FedEx. They have entered their busy season which means his schedule will vary. During holidays, there is a shortage of help and overtime is available.

When our parents were alive, we went to one of their homes if it was convenient. Distance was negative factor. While my kids were growing up, we had our Thanksgiving at our home. The parents were invited, but they always declined due to distance and onset of winter weather. Thanksgiving was a nice, but not critical holiday in our family. Christmas, that's a different story.

Christmas was the big holiday for both of our parents. usually, its a longer period and it meant more than nay of the other holidays. We took our little kids to their grandparents on alternating years. My parents on even numbered years and her parents on odd number years. As we enter old age, Christmas has become a holiday mostly for the wife and me. Our kids are welcome, but if they have other interests, that's okay too. Twenty years ago, my family stopped the practice of getting everyone a gift. That had become burdensome for the members with little income to spare. Our get-togethers have developed into more meaningful endeavors than frantically chasing a mandatory gift exchange,

It’s just my DH and I along with my DD and SIL. They don’t have kids, so it kind of makes it easy.

Gardengal I agree completely about the traveling thing. I don't usually like to travel over the holidays (unless most/all of my family is going to be there). As a kid my Christmas was usually very similar to yours. Have Christmas breakfast, open presents and stockings at our house and then go to a relatives house (or have them come here). The problem is most of my relatives live very close (most less than an hour or 2 away), so it's hard to pick one person without hurting everyone else's feelings.

There are good and bad things about big or small families. DH and I are 'only children' of older parents, and we have one 'only', a DS. When our mothers were living, I hosted all holidays at our home. DH's father died when he was 10. Mine left us when I was three and had another family.

Since DS found his wonderful DW (from a very large extended and local family), Christmas Eve has been at her parents' home -- primarily a religious occasion.. For the last few years DIL does most of the work for her mother, or she is hostess at her home. One sister, DH and two DDs fly in hours before the event -- and stay at our DS's home! One DS is local, divorced, with an adult DD, but it is our DIL who 'does it all'. (I have to add that our DS is also in there pitching to make it all happen. He turned out pretty well!)

For us, Christmas gift-giving is just for children and charities.

I spend mine with my children. Before that it was with my parents and my in laws. We all go to someone's house for each holiday.

Sue