I have been down that cancer road several times, so I know how physically and emotionally exhausting it is. You have to do what you can live with long-term, and if you feel you couldn't live with yourself if you left your husband in these circumstances, then all you can do is minimize the wear-and-tear on yourself and your daughter. I am sorry your step-son is so impossible and even sorrier your husband is so difficult and unsupportive. Cancer didn't suddenly make him a better or different person. Here are my suggestions: 1) Protect yourself and your daughter financially for the possible time when your husband is no longer with you. You may want to set up a separate bank account and sequester some of your resources so you are assured of access to monies regardless of anything your husband might do (like decide suddenly to put his sons' names on the account). If possible, consult with an attorney regarding estate planning. Given your husband's current intractability, you may not have any luck securing his cooperation. But at least you will know what your legal rights are. 2) Prioritize your tasks. Your husband's medical care is a priority. Your daughter's physical and emotional needs are priorities. Doing your step-son's laundry, picking up after him or fixing meals are not. At 14 he can do those things for himself. If he doesn't do them, his problem. 3) Look into support systems for yourself and your husband. That would include hospital services, family support groups and Hospice, so that if the burdens get too heavy to carry alone you know who to go to. Do these things while you're still capable of thinking clearly. A time may come when you're too tired to think at all. This assumes you decide to stick it out. You may decide this is too thankless a task and leave your husband and his rotten kids to their own devices. Feel right in your choice and the judgements of others won't matter.

In the special needs community, we have an acronym that everyone knows: DID, which stands for Dads In Denial. Deep down inside, Mom knows there is something wrong with her child, but Dad refuses to admit it, refuses to even consider it. Sound like you've got a classic Dad In Denial. Cole sounds like a very deeply troubled young man, and he's chosen sexual ways of acting out, which spread the trauma throughout the rest of the family. Quite simply, that boy needs MAJOR help, and he needs to be separated from the younger children who are not able to adequately protect themselves. (Is it possible Cole was sexually abused? He's certainly acting out in ways that suggest something of the sort...) Not to minimize the trauma to your son -- but I suspect if it ends now and Cole moves out for a while and gets into treatment, that your son will be able to put it into perspective and move on in a healthy way. But if nothing chages? My goodness - What message will this send your kids? As a parent, you simply HAVE to protect them. You have to. They have to know that you, as a parent, will protect them from harm. If your marriage truly is a good one, I'd send all of the kids out for an evening and have a heart to heart with him. PREPARE your side in advance, because you need to say what you need to say, and having it organized and streamlined may be the only way to make sure it happens. Key points: -- Cole needs MAJOR help. He's been acting out for a long time, but his behavior has taken a turn toward sexually victimizing others. In a nutshell, he is acting like a young sexual predator. Cole needs help and as his parents, you and Dad NEED to see that he gets it - NOW. -- Being in the same house with an untreated Cole is dangerous for your children. Your son has already been damaged, at this point, probably not irreparably, but only because the problem was discovered. Now that you know about it, you, as a responsible parent, NEED to act on it. You cannot ask your son to live under the same roof with the brother who sexually abused him. -- You love your husband, your marriage and your family. After much soul-searching, you have come to the conclusion that to save your family, Cole and your children cannot live under the same roof. And because it would be unbearably cruel to 'abandon' Cole all over again, Dad should take him and move out while Cole starts treatment. You can have family dinners together and still be committed to your marriage and family -- but you need to protect your children. Without Dad's help, the family cannot survive. So either he supports the separation, or you need to pursue a divorce. Best of luck to you -- And please, stay strong for your children's sake.

'my husband is pretty lax when it comes to dealing with these things.' Well, he hasn't had to. So far, he's had no consequences, other than having to hear that you don't like it, but the fact that you don't like it, that it's gross & obnoxious, & that it's stressing you out hasn't motivated him to change anything. If it's okay with ex-wife, & it's okay with son, & it's okay with husband, & it isn't okay with you, & your husband doesn't make a single move to make you comfortable or happy, *you* are going to have to make the change. You're already well on your way to being the cook, maid, & general household help for this messed-up family, & it'll only get worse. People are generally on their best behavior early in their marriages; this is his best behavior. It'll get worse. better to bail early rather than invest more time & energy in a relationship in which you're the least-important thing going. I'm sorry.

Thanks for your advice everyone. I'm going to do as tlescak said and just give him my unconditional love. Now I need advice on something else - this is off topic, i'm afraid, but i've had it on my consience for ages and need some advice. My five year old son is adopted. None of my family and friends - even my wife, parents and brother - are aware of this. The circumstances of his birth and my subsequent adoption of him are complex - but the five second version is that he was an orphan by the time he was a few days old and that I adopted him. I named him - Emmanuel Joseph - because as a baby he was so sweet. Problem is - his bio mum was a divorcee, in her first relationship since her divorce. She had two sons from her marriage (now 20 and 18), and the 20yr old is MY YOUNGER BROTHER'S BEST FRIEND. When I first adopted him, I did so because he was a little boy who desperately needed someone to look after him - his bio mum's pregnancy had been a closely guarded secret, so none of his bio family - even his bio half-brothers - were aware of his existence. I felt I could give him a loving home. By the time I had adopted him and plucked up the courage to introduce him to my parents, he felt so much like a son to me that I decided that I was going to bring him up telling my family + friends that he had been abandoned by an his mother and that he was my son biologically. Over time, the fact that he was not my bio son had gone to the back of my head - until I met my wife 15 months ago. She has two children - 7yr old Curtis, who I was talking about before, and 3yr old Daniella - from her first marriage. Getting to know my SS and SD and trying to split my affection between them and my "own" son, who I have to admit was and still is rather spoilt, I kept remembering the fact that he wasn't my bio son. I'm keep having fits of conscience - was it right for me to have adopted him, or should I have told his bio family about his existence? Then I remind myself that if I had told his bio family about him then the families of his bio mum and bio dad would have been fighting over him and it would have resulted in him having an unhappy childhood. Sometimes I wonder whether I should tell him the truth when he's 18, or should I tell him at all? Any ideas on how I should deal with this situation. Should I make a decision now or should i wait a few years? All thoughts welcome.