Henry Kissinger once sat in the Oval Office with President Nixon, watching the President's Golden Retriever chew the rug. The President tossed the dog a treat. The dog ate the treat & then started on the rug again. The President tossed another treat. This went on for some time, & finally, Dr Kissinger could bear it no longer. "Mr President", he said, "do you realize that you are *training* that dog to chew on the rug?" Hubs is training son to chew on the rug. Does your hubs realize that this boy could end up in foster care & that you could end up in jail if a concerned passerby calls 911 when the boy pretends that you've hit him? & that, at nearly 11 years old, the boy is undoubtedly big enough to hurt you? This kid is way overdue for more responsibility than folding his own laundry & for facing the consequences of his own behavior. I wish you the best.

Hello all, I was surprised and happy to find even more responses to my post this morning. Lynn: my plan is to stay in our house until we can sell it. My husband wants me to leave, but I think that would be a mistake legally. I have read that the housing market is not project to swing upward until this time next year. If we sold now, we would lose alot of money. I feel that I can live with my husband as a roommate until I get what I need to move on financially. I would like to move closer to my job which is around Water Tower Place in downtown Chicago. It's expensive to live in Chicago. I will probably end up in a very small condo. If I can get around $150,000 out of our house, if I am lucky, I can find a very small condo in the south or west loop. My plan new is sit tight and get my health on track--start with Plaquenol therapy for ra. ekcs400: You are very right. I need my husband to FINALLY make his marriage a priority. He needs to know that I do not want to destroy his relationship with his son. I just don't want their relationship to destroy our marriage. Which is what has ultimately happened. Sadly, we are not friends. We cannot talk about these issues lovingly. Finedreams: I am glad to know that I am not the only woman who has repeatedly twisted herself into a pretzel for a man. My parents, good loving people, were not pro education. We were all on our own relative to that. I have a sister and three brothers. My sister and I were raised to marry a nice man and have children. I did not start college until my son was 3 months old. I went to weekend college at first, then got into a good art school and went full time during the day. It took me about 6 years to get my degree. Sadly, a few months later, I met my second husband, a med student...so then my life became about medical school and helping him through it. When it was time for residency, he would not stay in Chicago were my son was. He insisted on going to Boston to MGH. So, I got a job in Boston. My son was 14 years old at the time and he stayed in Chicago with his dad, step mom and siblings. He came out to spend summers with us. It was difficult but I thought I was doing the best thing for everyone. My husband left me, right before his residency ended, for a med student. They have a child together. He left her a few years later...for another woman. Sorry to babble. I am amazed at how much of my adult life has been wasted trying to please a man...just like you. Thanks to all for the support.

Thanks for posting, I'm in kind of a similar situation where I'm stepdad to a stepson I have a great deal of difficulty with. My wife handles all our finances-- I just hand her over my money. But lately we've been having huge problems over this stepson, and I resent the large amounts of money she spends on him, enabling him, it seems to me (I feel, tho, that if she wants to do that, it's her son, and she's entitled). I'm not even sure if she spends her own inherited money on him, or if it comes out of my money. Over the years, I've made little contribution to my own savings for old age, as I continue to support my wife. So I've been to a trusted therapist who told me that I need to be much more grown up about my own money, and to take control of that money so that everything is transparent, and fairly shared. And "fairly shared" doesn't mean that you have to put up money to support a stepchild you don't like (in my case, this kid has always treated me badly and continues to do so.) I'm seeing that marriage is about equal sharing of money, emotions and needs. And if your husband's needs don't match yours, then there needs to be some very clear discussion around that. I myself am scared of how my wife will react if I tell her that I don't want to have any of my money spent on this kid, and that I want my money to go to charity and not her kid, when I die. Her other son I like very much, and have no problem leaving him anything, or giving him anything. So, for me, it's about honoring myself and my own feelings of resentment, because, as the therapist told me, if you let these feelings go unspoken because you're scared of how the other person will react, the feelings just fester, and will do their damaging work anyhow. So better to be clear and up front about them. I also see that a stepfamily is NOT one big happy family as my wife would like us to be, and I can't go on pretending we're what we're not, and succumbing to what's beginning to feel like emotional blackmail. Hope this helps.

Me again. I'm sure this will be long. So, if anyone's up to reading and posting, I appreciate your input. Telling me if we're being stupid and there's a better way is appreciated. I think I was just tired last night and not posting this really well. But, I couldn't sleep cause I'm so upset about SS "calling Dad's bluff" about lying having consequences. We're not wanting to divide the kids against each other. This latest lying problem was several emails between Dad and SS teachers this week about school projects and normal homework. DH was being specific when on videoconference with SS 3 times this week asking if things were done or what was left to do, etc. SS kept insisting all parts of work were done AND work was turned in on time. Teacher was emailing DH meanwhile saying "NO the project was NOT turned in til 5 days later, and SS was giving her and DH doubletalk. And, she said the other social studies stuff was incomplete because according to SS he didn't have crayons, etc supplies. DH sent him stuff for school (crayons, etc.) and regardless, if he "ran out" of something he should have to DH "I can't, don't have crayons, calculator, etc." NOT "yeah, Dad everything's totally complete and ready to turn in Friday." As far a punishing the kids, here's why we're so upset. DH wants the consequence for lying to SS to be that we're not going to go out and do the extra stuff "besides xmas eve and day stuff" (ex. going to the movies once or twice this week, hanging out at the 4h center for the christmas lights, going out with friends and cousins to skate or chuck e. cheese type stuff, kids museum in town etc. (cause they're all off public school this week.) I agree because it's similar to what we give all the kids. But, this time it's going to be the worst timing we've had and it's the worst one I think for SS and the other kids cause it's basically all Christmas week and they're all looking forward to stuff. In the past, we've really kept cancelling stuff to an absolute minimum and some of our kids were so little that with naps and stuff we just generally didn't go out a lot of "all day" fun. Most activities were a couple hours here or there. Our youngest now is almost three and SS is the oldest 12, so more recently we've been able to do A LOT more stuff. EX. this summer we got a poolpass for the park and could go because enough of the kids could swim without help for me to handle alone when DH was at work. The money thing comes into play because we don't always have enough to go do stuff both when SS is here and not here. The kids all love doing stuff together. For example when they all want to see a movie together, our kids will wait to see it until he's here. He usually sees the movies already with BM, but it's fun to wait and see how much a kick they all get out of doing something together. So this past Thanksgiving when he was here, we all had a blast, because we had so much stuff they all wanted to do together and we'd saved the money for it. We did 2-3 special things together everyday. (ate at favorite restaurants, santa pictures, saw movies they all picked, went to circus, etc.). Right before he left, we got a big packet in the mail from his teachers. It was filled with copies of a bunch of failed tests and examples of incomplete school/homework that was contradicting SS saying he'd only failed one test and had kept up with all his assignments, etc. His Dad sat him down and had a big talk about honesty and asking if he needed more school supplies (said no, but we sent extras home anyway). And, we both had him explain to us "how" he was studying for all subjects, so we could make suggestions about other ways to study math, spelling, etc, that he could try to see if they helped him learn more. Then, he went home. For the last month, DH has made a point (more than before) of asking him about test scores, assgnments teacher tells us are coming up due, etc, to see where SS at with school. Last night, we got the last email, and the teacher was flaming mad at SS for the lack of effort and the double-talk lying he's now been caught in --again. She says it's all absolutely unacceptable and he's the only kid doing this and it's happening almost constantly in class and for homework. She says he not rude, he just doesn't care or try. So, DH says for now we're stuck because we can't force stuff like "from now on everyday after school do your homework right away, and show Dad all the papers each night and the tests you bring home, etc" because he doesn't live with us and we're in another state. Even his teachers are so fed up with him that they've said since they have so many students and SS won't try or be honest, they'll just "do what they can" to tell us assignments and test scores. (It means we been getting spotty info but not everyday updates and they're to busy to offer more.) So, DH says that at least he's going to show SS there's a consequence for lying to him. And, that's what not doing extra stuff this week is supposed to be about. The reason it's going to affect ALL the kids is because, I'm not going to leave SS alone at home to take the other kids out. They're going to have to miss some stuff (playdates) and do other stuff later (movies after SS goes), etc. And, I told DH that I can't just have SS sit in his room "grounded" all week. DH said fine, but we should take away TV and stuff, and that will affect all of us. And, the teacher told us SS needs to learn some specific math stuff and catch up on reading, so DH said to just keep homeschooling all of them so it's quiet. Can't send the others outside for hours a day in this weather, and our immediate family is two hours away, so the visits are all day events, I can't just drop off the others and go home with SS. So, the kids are not getting this week off school. DH said maybe we'll take next week off for them. Normally, our other kids don't feel slighted when one of them is busted and we lose TV or something for a few days. But, they're getting older now, and this is a special holiday week. And, in the past we've talked with them a lot to not "take it out on each other" if they get mad that family plans have changed because of a consequence. But, this time the older ones are more upset than before. DH and I said sorry, but we didn't know what else to do. And, our older kids said they'd feel more slighted if they saw we just did nothing about the lying than if they had to miss/delay stuff due to SS punishment, because they know they'd totally be busted if it were them. DH and I are so stressed about the mess SS is in at school, that we just didn't put a lot of effort into "smoothing things over between the kids". We figured that they're getting older now, so maybe we should be letting them tell SS his actions aren't fair for how they affect everyone else. Our kids already do that to each other. (Ex. if the kids make a huge mess right before we're going out to the drive-in, I've been known to cancel it, because the movies started before they were done helping clean it up. We let our kids tell each other they're disappointed with the kid that skipped picking up and made a bigger mess instead.) But, this is really the first time something big has happened with SS consequence affecting plans like this. Maybe seeing how lying doesn't accomplish fixing school problems because it messes up more than his relationship with his Dad will get through to him? I don't know. I was an only child so sometimes what's best with the sibling stuff is a mystery to me. But, DH and I are good about really working together for parenting. And, I do really feel lost about what are the long term consequences. Maybe this is a really bad idea, or maybe I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill. But, we really do want the kids to all grow up loving each other and not even feeling like half-siblings. I wrote on here last night, because DH and I are questioning where the line is in watching SS lie repeatedly about the self-destructive thing he has going on with his schoolwork especially now that he's about to go on to middle school. We want to do the best thing to help him succeed, and to keep the family happy, and to be a good-fair example for the younger kids (no double standard stuff if we can help it). But, that's a fine line for us always, because he has BM and his dad at different households, and they have very different parenting styles. They're two totally different people. And, I truly feel lost at this point. We've done a good job so far I think. They're ALL good kids, but we want to do our best to help them learn so they become good, happy adults. But, being the step-mom and an only child and knowing SS actions are now leading to more serious consequences for himself at school and that it's all rapidly erasing the trust he has from us, is why I posted to you all. I've got to go pick SS up now. I hope this makes sense to some of you, so you can tell me what you think. I didn't sleep at all last night because I was so wound up trying to think of what else we could do and hoping that SS and DH can actually have a really good talk and accomplish something this week and not just argue or have a big talk like the one at Thanksgiving produce ZERO better results. I'll check back here later. And, thanks you guys, even for the stuff you were critical of me for. I appreciate you being honest with me, cause I'd rather have another adult parent tell me there ideas or what they see, so I can see other perspectives than what's rattling around in my head. I'd rather do the best things for all the kids---even when I'm not clever enough to think fast and have all the answers about what will really help them all with family problems. Merry Christmas. PS. You guys are totally right that the money thing is an issue for us. But, it's because it really does affect for my SS his expectaions in life and his perspective on things. And, it's affected our ability for ten years to stop useless painful lawsuits involving him. It is what it is. We don't try and hold it again him. That's dumb. There's nothing wrong with them having more money than us, EXCEPT for the ways that we've seen it affect how he treats people. It's affected his friendships, etc. when other kids feel he's spoiled and he's needed help to learn how to get along with friends at different points in growing up when other kids have felt intimidated by not having "cool stuff" or declining to go places with him because their parents couldn't afford to participate. He's learned a lot from us not having a lot, because I can see how he's grown more sensitive to other kids and learned that he doesn't need to "go someplace" to impress or have friends. I think DH deseres a lot of credit for helping SS see that other kids will love hanging with him doing cheap free stuff, because SS is a blast to be with WITHOUT needing Disneylands, or the latest videogame machines and stuff. I truly think that's stuff he learned from us NOT his BM.