I don't think that there is anything that you can do. I also don't think that SS could understand what was happening at age 4 to the extent that he could place blame unless someone hs recently been filling his head with junk (grandparents? etc). Most 4 year olds don't know what day of the week it is ... so his Bday could have been celebrated any day! Perhaps there is some other conflict that he cares not to share or is unable at his age to communicate. My gut reaction is that there is something else going on here. A good family counselor might be able to resolve the problems here, but as the Stepdad, I think your ability to help is limited unless you are a professional.

*Nods*. It's just that SS insists that that was why he and his mum aren't speaking. No grandparents involved - I'm not sure why he says that. I'm straining my brains to try and recall why my brother (nine years my junior) made things up at 7. Could it have anything to do with my parents ignoring SS and his sister? I'm cluthching at straws here - I've got other problems at the moment, including trying to stop my parents finding out that my 5yr old son is adopted.

Check out www.bonusfamilies.com. It is a really informative site to get advice from professionals.

I agree with RosieL. There really is not a whole lot that you can do. This is an issue between your SS and his mother. The best thing for you to do is offer your SS unconditional love. Spend lots of time with him and give him a sense of security and family. Do not dwell on his relationship with his Mom, but instead concentrate on YOUR relationship with him. If he learns how to love you, then he surely will remember how to love his Mom.

Thanks for your advice everyone. I'm going to do as tlescak said and just give him my unconditional love. Now I need advice on something else - this is off topic, i'm afraid, but i've had it on my consience for ages and need some advice.
My five year old son is adopted. None of my family and friends - even my wife, parents and brother - are aware of this.
The circumstances of his birth and my subsequent adoption of him are complex - but the five second version is that he was an orphan by the time he was a few days old and that I adopted him.
I named him - Emmanuel Joseph - because as a baby he was so sweet.
Problem is - his bio mum was a divorcee, in her first relationship since her divorce. She had two sons from her marriage (now 20 and 18), and the 20yr old is MY YOUNGER BROTHER'S BEST FRIEND.
When I first adopted him, I did so because he was a little boy who desperately needed someone to look after him - his bio mum's pregnancy had been a closely guarded secret, so none of his bio family - even his bio half-brothers - were aware of his existence. I felt I could give him a loving home.
By the time I had adopted him and plucked up the courage to introduce him to my parents, he felt so much like a son to me that I decided that I was going to bring him up telling my family + friends that he had been abandoned by an his mother and that he was my son biologically.
Over time, the fact that he was not my bio son had gone to the back of my head - until I met my wife 15 months ago. She has two children - 7yr old Curtis, who I was talking about before, and 3yr old Daniella - from her first marriage.
Getting to know my SS and SD and trying to split my affection between them and my "own" son, who I have to admit was and still is rather spoilt, I kept remembering the fact that he wasn't my bio son.
I'm keep having fits of conscience - was it right for me to have adopted him, or should I have told his bio family about his existence? Then I remind myself that if I had told his bio family about him then the families of his bio mum and bio dad would have been fighting over him and it would have resulted in him having an unhappy childhood.
Sometimes I wonder whether I should tell him the truth when he's 18, or should I tell him at all? Any ideas on how I should deal with this situation. Should I make a decision now or should i wait a few years? All thoughts welcome.

I think you did the right thing keeping his bio-origin a secret, because he would have been taken away from you and placed in the home of one of his bio-parents who probably didn't want him anyway.

As far as whether or not you should tell him the truth when he is 18. You won't find that answer here. The only place you will find the answer to that question is within your soul.

Matthew, that lucky boy *IS* your son, both legally and in your heart.

The only person I'd share that information with right now is your wife. Nobody else needs to know the details of how he came into your life. He's your son. Period.

I'll bet when you tell your wife, she will be warmed by the fact that you have such a big heart and generous soul. But she probably already knows that, right? What concerns me about your wife is her inability to bond with her own child.

I think you know in your heart that you did the right thing in adopting him. Think of how much joy he has brought to you life, and how much stability and love you have brought to his. Don't second guess yourself.

I was in a similar situation as your son. I was adopted by my aunt and uncle when I was 2. From stories I have heard I knew to some extent what was going on. Telling him when he is 18 may have some drawback such as he may resent that you kept it from him, but if you don't tell him, certain things such as genetic problems will never be known. Also one day he might want to find his mom and she will probably give him a different story than you would and cause more pain for the boy. It is a very hard decision. I don't think there is a single person who has the right answer. You might want to consult a child psychologist to find out what would be less stressful for him.

Note - Emmanuel's bio parents died within a few hours of each other when they were involved in a car crash when he was 2 days old and they were taking him home. He was a much wanted baby.
He survived, and his bio-parents hadn't told anyone about his existence.
If I had told his bio family of his existence then his bio-mum's brother (who she didn't get on with for the last 6 months of her life) and his bio-dad's father (who lives in France) would have probably ended up fighting over him.
There was such obvious disadvantages in both situations that I adopted him.
I'm an Accident and Emergency Doctor and that's how I found out about him.
You're right he is MY son. I'll probably tell Suzy (my wife) when things are sorted with Curtis.

I just wanted to say that I disagree that at the age of 4 your step son would not have remembered things that went on in his house. I can remember things back to before my brother was born and we're 33 months apart. I remember life at our house before him and also when he came home clearly as I remember stuff that happened last year. My mother can even remember being in a big metal crib in a onesie bawling her eyes out and a nurse coming to her...she was 15 months old and in the hospital with severe anemia at the time. A big event like a fight and leaving his home and father would be something he could very well remember. I believe he has some issues that need resolved and some questions answered or something so he can move on and be okay.

Good luck with your adopted son...I, too, say it's not a big deal to tell everyone the truth really. He'll need to know at sometime but if telling others would cause problems, I wouldn't say anything.

I totally agree with Mom 2 4. Its nobody's business. Who will it help or hurt by their knowing? Your wife should know and someday - your son should know. He IS your son and a very lucky boy at that.

I certainly would tell your wife. I don't know what telling his bio-relatives would accomplish except a lot of angst. When you say that a couple of them would've ended up fighting over him, would they have been bad parents? I think he was a very lucky boy to end up with you. How were you able to adopt him if there were surviving bio-relatives, without them knowing - wouldn't they have to sign off on it? Doesn't matter - - it sounds like he has a wonderful family.

I agree that your wife will probably think you did a wonderful thing - - and that she will love him just as much as she has all along.