I don't know if my husband will ever retire from farming -- I think he'll always somehow be involved -- but I'm very happy with the more than fair deal I made about eight years ago, once the kids were old enough and I was no longer the only other farmer, where I got out of doing most of the farm chores, especially in the middle of the night (calving season) or really late or really early hauling cattle or bales, or feeding all the livestock when it's raining or blizzardy or -40 outside. I'm delighted to be in the garden or making meals for everyone. And my husband and kids do most of the grocery shopping because they're the ones who are in town more regularly, to fetch parts or hauling with the big truck.

My husband is the one who usually makes breakfast (and brings me coffee, which I taught him to make because he doesn't drink it himself lol), lunch is usually warmed up leftovers from dinner or the boys will make something, and dinner I make. The boys love to cook but have less time for it now. The younger one will often bake something after dinner thought.

DH works from home so it's the best/worst of both worlds. I can't just vacuum any time I like, because he does remote meetings from his office. But he can be here if I need to run out but a repair or delivery is coming.

I'm having trouble setting a new schedule. Last year when DS went off to school, I was helping my parents with their health crises that arose at the same time, then DS had his own health crises. I was doing better when he was taking some classes, so prescribed routine there. But now, ugh. I may not get up until after 7:30, sometimes 2 hours after 7:30!! DH gets up at 4 and goes to bed by 9. We are so off kilter! We do have dinner together; he cooks, because it's his "creative break" from work. But that has thrown off my shopping routine! I thrive on routine and I'm really having trouble establishing one.

I dearly love my kids, but I NEVER had the empty nest thing. We raised them and launched them. They are adults with their own families now, but even before that, they were their own people with their own lives,. I never understood why I should feel sad for doing a good job.

We were empty nesters a little bit later. Both sons went to local schools and so lived at home during that time and then both got jobs and lived at home for a couple of years after. The four of us have always gotten along so it wasn't hard, and although we paid for their schooling, we don't have a lot of extra money so it was one way we could help them financially, They have been on their own now for 5 or 6 years and at 29 and 31 have partners and own their own places.

However, I do miss them. The younger one works quite close to where we live and will sometimes stop by after work and I will stretch dinner to include him. I don't know how I would cope if they were to move away.

Re: retired husbands = I never did make breakfast or lunches so that didn't change. The only thing I said when he retired was that I was not his hobby. He was already doing some volunteer work and I suggested that he reconnect with some of the neighbourhood dads that he had met through the years and he really enjoys getting together with them. I would love to stop making dinner and doing the grocery shopping but that won't be happening. Except for cutting the grass I do the inside and the outside.

Depending on how close by they are and if they choose to have children, you may have the delightful experience of being a grandparent after a while.

We don't have kids so no empty nest trauma but we have some good friends and that mom was devastated when their last child left home. They were kind of helicopter parents when their kids were in college, it seemed like not really accepting the empty nest situation and staying quite involved with the kids away at college, frequent visits, etc. Eventually she got involved with some other activities and seemed to adjust but then the DH suddenly retired and then she has another whole ordeal to adjust to.

You could maybe do what I'm doing as I plan ahead for retirement. I started making a list of all the big and little things I'd like to do but don't have time for. Among others one is to do something to help people who are truly in need. It doesn't take much time doing that to put your own situation into perspective.

I am speaking for my DD who recently released DGD, who is about 3.5 hours away. It’s really not an empty nest at first. There is so much to do to get her settled in the new school, stuff to buy, measure the dorm room, clothes to take now, vs get later, etc, etc. that you will be GLAD that part is over. Then the let-down sets in. If she participates in sorority rush, there is that panic to look forward to for the next week.

When classes start, DD was depressed for a week. Then it was parents weekend, and all was well with the world. Then DD came home for fall break and an interview for a Christmas job and it was ok again. So....time passes quickly and now it’s almost Thanksgiving and everyone has survived. DD spends a lot of time and effort sending care packages. And since DGD likes to eat healthy (keto), DD cooks some special meals and freezes them so she can take back to school with her and enjoy. Don’t worry, you will keep busy.

Yes and no.

Yes my nest felt somewhat empty when DD flew off to work and then college. Then the second time she went to college we continued to help her so that she would get the degree she wanted. Hands down the best gift we could have given her ever. She truly enjoys her work and we enjoy knowing that we helped her. After that was over and she got married my Nest felt emptier. Part of it is the actual connection part of it is financial responsibility and the things that have to go around that that made my nest fuller when she was in college. I was emptier of time spent with her and duties and responsibilities afterwards.

My DS will never move out as far as we can tell. He's unable to conduct his own life in many ways. His disability makes that impossible so that half of the nest will always be full.

Also my nephews lived with us for a number of years and I still think longingly of that time as well. I don't seem to like an empty house as another nephew is living with us now and working with DH at his small business.

Being the family lover that I am I miss my DD still. I wish we could have a family compound dotted with homes with common grounds.

I am about 3 years behind you, Sue, so I don't have any advice about them heading off to college. But I did divorce 8 years ago and found myself childless 3 or 4 nights a week. I started catching up on grown-up movies. I joined a choir. I took up a time-consuming hobby. I learned French on Duolingo. There's lots of stuff to do for yourself when you aren't taking care of other people's needs.

I highly recommend learning to belly dance.

I distinctly remember why I pushed my husband to start our family sooner than he would have. BOREDOM. Now they are off and gone adulting very well. And guess what yep BORING. And at the same time when they come home the busy-ness gets exhausting. I think if I weren't working it would be difficult.

am I the only one thinking naked breakfasts?!

Good point Oly. Another household who has shared chores. My husband pitches in on inside chores, probably more than I pitch in on outside stuff LOL. To be honest, he does a better job vacuuming than I do, and I've never washed a window in this house as he handles that. He doesn't cook or do laundry, but I don't do the lawn or change the oil, etc. It works for us.

We are overjoyed with our empty nest.

DS#1 was slow to launch, but when he finally moved from the area at age 23 he started to truly become an adult. He married and had a family and still lives out of the area.

DS#2 launched on time, but unfortunately he and his girlfriend got pregnant at 20, married, and then predictably got divorced. So he came back, toddler in tow part of the time. But he launched a second time at about 24, married again, and is doing very well now.

Seeing both our sons living productive and fulfilling lives is the best reward for having them. We didn't have kids to keep them.

Sure, we like it when they visit. We like it even better when they go home.

My nest emptied for good ten years ago. I won't lie, it was hard at first-making the adjustment was rough. We saw it though by adding pets. Haha.

About 4 years in, our marriage hit a troubled spot and I almost divorced my DH but we made it work. That is a whole other story. But we finally grew in to the people we were supposed to be I think. That made the emptied nest a lot easier.

I'm going to be retiring within the next two years. DH works from home but I think he might even consider giving that up when I retire-there are things we talk about doing and I think that he's ready to start doing them.

I feel like we're still really young-both in our mid-to-later 50's so we're not sure what the rest of our life path will lead us to, but I can say that I'm glad our nest is emptied and we've had time to enjoy it for ourselves. The grandbabies are just starting to come on, and now I know what it's like when my friends say it's so great-and you get to go home and sleep at night! I love our dumb little rituals-and that eating breakfast naked thing-well, that doesn't happen, but I can say that we're not always using our bathrobes after a shower any more! LoL.

Ah, the empty nest. They flew the coop, and it was just fine! I was a stay at home 'helicopter/soccer mom' (don't judge!), and gradually let the role go as they moved from high school to college. I was glad that I had self interests, friends apart from my children and husband, and worked myself back into the work world as my children grew. I was actually relieved not to have the day-to-day responsibility for everything. But, I felt that I had prepared my children well to assume such tasks on their own, and they did. My husband and I travel; I travel with friends. We have a vacation house that I've just redone, and spend much time there with friends and family. It's good to have unstructured time without the "have to's" that I felt came with the kids. I don't regret for a second the time I spent on those "have to's"- I'm just glad it's over. Two of my children are now married with children of their own, and every bit as busy and 'helicopter' (maybe more!) as I was. And they love it as much as I did! But, I like that I'm in a different phase.

I sorta had a breakdown when DS1 left for college. We followed him with a truck load of his things, and when we came home I walked into the kitchen and started bawling like a baby.

For you and this being your only daughter who you're close to, I think it will hit you hard. Maybe not, but be prepared.

As far as your dh retiring, oh boy! Mine works from home now and it's not that I mind being around him, it's that I lost my daily routine and privacy. Definitely a culture shock and that took me a long time to get used to.

Like bpath said, I can't vacuum whenever I want because of his work. He also has clients who come here so I have to disappear.

DH took over a major chore that tremendously helps me. The dishwasher! He's so good at it he hates to see anything dirty in the sink. He loads and unloads. Good boy! lol

He's also learned to iron and does all the yard work. But still, I long for the days of privacy.

2 different things going on. The empty nest wasn't a problem for me after the initial month. The senior year of high school is SO jam packed with to activities, applications and stress, I welcomed a little quiet time.. I have sons and I do think that relationship is different. For example, they would only go shopping under pressure. You will get some perspective when you see others who are struggling with launching their young adults. Remind yourself that you have done a good job when they are thriving.

Now, retirement. Sigh. This has been a harder transition for me. He LOVES it. I am on the fence a year + later. My DH traveled a great deal for business so meals used to be simple and on the fly. Shopping and cooking are thankless tasks for me. My advice would be to designate specific tasks that have hard deadlines. You seem to be on your way with delegating with your DS. Another one would be, choose 2 days a week that DH will handle cooking dinner.

None of these are first world problems. It's good that you are thinking about it in advance.

My nest has always been empty of children, which may partially explain why I've filled it with cats. (Kidding. Sort of.) Much like Tina, I assumed in my younger years that I would have children like most people do, but it never happened -- and now I cannot imagine my life any other way. I do understand to an extent the empty nest thing, however, having watched my own parents deal with it as my younger siblings moved away, and I know that the transition to a "new normal" can be a very emotional thing. I think that with any major life change, one must allow room for the ensuing feelings and work through them, but try not to just wallow there. There's a whole world "out there" waiting for you and your DH to explore together in a new way -- and of course, a whole world waiting for just YOU as well ... You just need to look for ways to implement the change into your life in a positive way.

I always worked 2 days/week when raising children. After the youngest left for college, DH retired from his demanding corporate job and worked from home in a consulting position. That was always our plan and it was his time to step down from the rat race. I had an opportunity to change careers and jumped on it, spending the last 10 years in an incredibly rewarding job, one that was demanding in a way that I can't imagine having done while raising our family.

You will find yourself free to do things you never thought possible, yes, even naked dinners (breakfast is too rushed!).

While our children (son and daughter) were growing up ... our social lives centered around them. We rarely missed any activity they were involved in. My daughter and I watched Grease and 16 Candles together probably as many times as you watch Say Yes to the Dress with your daughter. Our son was a magnet of activity- never a dull moment. Both of them went to college out of state - many miles away. I thought having an empty nest would be awful. It was awful for a few weeks - our house was so quiet we actually picked up the telephone to make sure it wasn't out of order (way before cell phones) and I actually thought I had a hole in my heart I was so sad.

However, we adjusted quite well and within a few months decided this is actually okay - wonderful in fact. We did start traveling more - like you, we planned long-weekend trips. As far as cooking goes - it was kinda nice not to have to plan meals around our kids' schedules and we started going out for dinner more. Also, since I had more free time, I started exercising on a regular basis and eventually joined a gym with some friends. DH and I both worked full-time when our kids flew the nest, but are now retired and it is nice. When someone asks my DH what he does all day he always says "whatever I want." (He was self-employed and loved his work!)

I think you and your husband will do fine - when your daughter comes home from college you both will totally enjoy her but also enjoy when she returns to college.

If I'm expected to dine naked, I'd better get back to a gym routine ASAP!

I really appreciate everyone's advice and sharing of experiences. I can't respond to each of you, but I have read everyone's thoughtful comments. I remember when DS #2 left, I would occasionally just walk into his room, sit on his bed, and cry. For about 2 minutes. Then I was fine. This time around, I expect it might be 5 or 10 minutes. It will be interesting to see how DH takes it, too, because if he's home full time, it will have a different impact on him than when the two older ones left and he was gone all day.

I will say, though, that I realized we'll see her twice in Oct., then Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then we will try to attend all her gymnastics meets, which will be almost every weekend Jan-March. So really, we will see her quite a bit. And it will be fun to discover some new cities when we go to her meets -- we will make a weekend of it wherever she is. It will be very different from our experience with DS, who went to school 5+ hours away and also went abroad for a semester.

As for DH...well, that will be interesting. I told him I cannot be his sole entertainment. (He cut back to 3 days/week about two years ago, so we have gradually gotten to this point, and it has been tricky at times.) The big problem, I think, is that he will be retired but everyone we know is still working and will be for many more years. He does have hobbies -- primarily photography, and I can see him going off on day trips or longer trips to go looking for birds. We do have fun together and I know we'll go on hikes and out to dinner, etc., and escape to our beach house pretty frequently. We get along great but he talks a lot and seems to expect me to drop whatever I'm doing and engage with him no matter what. So I worry that, without an office full of people to talk to, he's going to be talking at me way too much. I hope he finds some kind of social life outside of me, and/or a regular volunteer thing separate from me.

I have never made his breakfast or lunch, so no issues there!

My younger child is a sophomore in hs, so I have around 3 years until she goes to college. I was laughing reading MtnRd’s post...very similar except I don’t have the middle, boarding school child. My ds is a college freshman, and I was so sad after we dropped him off. Not bc I was worried about not having enough to do...but simply bc I missed him! He is just a great kid to have around, funny, easy-going, etc. My dd is a full time job, lol. Between her extracurricular activities and her dramatic personality...well, I think it might be somewhat of a relief when she goes, lol. Dh is really looking forward to me accompanying him to conferences, and we will travel a lot. Dh probably won’t retire for at least 15 years, and I plan to take ID classes, and maybe do some sort of design work. So excited! :)

my last chickadee left the nest this fall to attend college. When I got back from dropping him off, everyone kept asking me if I was sad when I left him. I told everyone that no, I wasn't sad as I was so excited for him at this milestone point in his life.

I almost believed it.

But now, I do miss him. But it's more than that--I miss taking care of someone. I miss making the lunches every day and driving him to school. I miss watching his soccer games (and freezing) and watching his hockey games (and freezing.). I miss the noise, the constant cooking for him, and moments when he just started talking about his life (while I held my breath unwilling to break the spell.) I miss the general messy-ness, worry at night, state of being a mom.

For me, though, his departure to college (9 hours away) was followed by my own departure from our home three days later. Moving to a new house, in a new town, with a new(ish) husband is a great distraction.

All that being said, however, my last few interactions with my son have been really annoying. He's difficult to pin down for important dates (flights home, return flights, flu shots...). Maybe this is the universe's way of making this transition easier?

he's going to be talking at me way too much

It is funny. My DH says, when you are dating, you say "omg it is so wonderful, we are so alike, we finish each other's sentences!"

Then when you are married a few thousand years it becomes "crikey, she never even lets me finish a sentence!"

When we were dating, I just loved when my DH would be inspired to blather on about something pedantic. Especially history, law, or politics. I congratulated myself on selecting a brilliant husband and just beamed with pride!

You can see where this is going. Now, I will interrupt him to read a clever tweet to him or to explain some convoluted story about why I took back a pair of shoes and exchanged them for some other pair of shoes. But that is all sensible.

He will interrupt me to explain to me, say, the pivotal role of the Ghurkas at Dunkirk or why the answer on Jeopardy was wrong. I try to listen enough to be able to comment as though I were ... listening. And wait for it to ennnnnnd. Well, most of the time. : )

Last night DH and I were so pathetic and nostalgic while we were passing out TOT candy. Every time the door rang we both answered. The dog came to the door too.

One group was walking away after we passed out candy and we heard a toddler say to her Mom, "Are they a Mom and Dad?'.

It's complicated :(

Maybe this is the universe's way of making this transition easier?

jojoco - my friends and I would say the same thing - our kids became difficult partway through their senior year and impossible to deal with over the summer so you're running a little behind!

Mtn, maybe your DH could come over and hang out with my DH?

I can't paint a rosy picture for you...I'm honest both with myself and others.

It sucks. For lots of reasons, depression being a big distorter of life-as-I-see-it.

I hope for you, Sue, that it's fun and easy and liberating. :)

I keep reminding myself that I had a very nice life before I had children in the house, so why do I worry so much? Probably because becoming a mother was way better than anything I could have imagined and I anticipate some emptiness inside of me when the house is less occupied. I get a little pang of nostalgia every time I see a mom at Starbucks holding her toddler's hand.

My kiddos are all away at school right now, either college or high school, so I am getting a foretaste. I am not sure I am loving it, but I do still recognize my husband and myself from when we were 25 and just married, so it should be great and it's the only way to get grandchildren ;-)

One thing to mention-even though you become an empty nester-you never stop being a Mom. The second they call you and you hear in them say Mom and you hear in voice they need you-you are already halfway there before they can say another word.

I'm definitely a minority voice here--love, love, love living in an empty nest!

In our case both our kids stayed at home and went to university literally blocks away. Son moved out during that time and now lives locally with his wife. Daughter lived at home, then in a rental property, we own, then moved to another state where she currently lives. So the emptying nest happened over a period of several years which is a different cycle than many other parents experience.

However, I also have always worked at a career that I loved so for me, there were always 2 full time occupations going on while my kids were at home: my career and my life as a parent. Thus the workload was much more intense than if I had been a SAH mom; I never spent my days or my time or my attention fully employed at home. Once the the kids were launched I was able to ease up so much on the home duties that life has only gotten incredibly less stressful. I don't have to balance being PTA president with projects or events at the office. I don't have to worry about a child's academic issues while worrying about my students' issues at work. It's just my husband and me at home now and he's an independent, egalitarian spouse so I'm not really taking care of anyone other than myself and him when and as I want to. If I've got stuff to do for work, I don't have to worry about how long or much I need to focus there. Life is just so much EASIER! I can only guess if I hadn't had the fulfillment of my career, the end of active child raising might have been a more sad and lonely transition as others have written here. But I did and for me it wasn't. In fact I've struggled far more with winding down my professional life and identity-now that's been a tough and sometimes very unhappy process.

But empty nest-hallelujah and thank you universe ;). It helps that both the kids are independent but keep connected. My son and DIL see us regularly and my daughter flies down periodically or I fly up and we have great mother-daughter visits. They both seem to view me as a consultant and confidante and that's enormously rewarding too.

The other wonderful change has been having time and energy to focus on my husband and our life together as a couple. Regardless of whether one works for pay or at home, raising children almost always means that their needs come first. Then too one downside of having a career and family for me was that I see clearly now in retrospect how much stress leaked out, mostly onto my poor spouse. He definitely got the brunt of the difficulty in being everything for everybody that I was trying to accomplish (which no one can do anyway!).

So the last years have been good and only getting better. He's retiring at the end of the year and I will probably do so within the next year myself. I love this phase of our life and hope it lasts a long, long time.

I was a stay-at-home mom and loved every minute of it. Our kids were awesome...well behaved, respectful, fun...everything we could have asked for. There was a shift, though, in their senior year in h.s. in that it was obvious they were ready to leave the nest and needed to experience "independence" (whatever that means as a college student with all expenses paid, lol.).

I was, however, fearful of becoming one of those mothers who had difficulty adjusting to them leaving. I searched for a p/t job and and worked at that for about 3.5 years. As it turned out, I didn't really have a difficult time with them leaving. DH and I travel a fair amount (we're out of the country now for several weeks) and when we're home, I have no difficulty entertaining myself. I enjoy having my time be my own; to do what I want when I want. It's great!

It's interesting, how life turns out...

I always worked while I could. If I couldn't, for whatever reason (say waiting fr a work permit or smth)-I volunteered

(now I think: I'd much rather be more home with kids. When they were little. Seems silly now I wanted to work so much. But then again..it's true, seasons of life are different. I was young. and we really needed money too lol. So wasn't like I had much choice either)

We went places with them. Dragged them with us when we moved..we moved a lot..that was a lot to take..lots af adjustment each time..

Never I centered my social life around them. First, I'm pretty self indulgent, as sad as it is to admit..and I don't like superficial stuff, and interaction with folks I've nothing in common with but kids in one grade, felt mosty superficial..with few exceptions.

Of course we did what we should, and all. it can be important and very cool when it's family or friends. It's just that family and friends-they mostly happenned to live very far away. We did take these trips of course We made a point to do that, at all costs. Still. Closest relatives were 3 hours drive from us. Now it's 6 hours of plane. Others are over the ocean. We did that. That, I saw as important. But it's not a daily activity..

Second, I have this belief..while with other work, its result usualy gets better and better the more you do it..the more time you invest..the more, the more, the more..

People are an exemption to that rule. They need to be left a bit alone, sometimes..:)

These past few years-kids helped me, not the other way around. They cook, not me..they drive me if my DH can't..they bring me sushi if I have a craving for sushi..:)

I do nothing already..except clean a bit, do laundry..and even laundry, I asked them to fold.

It was often we went to spend time with friends -when we could leave them safely alone or beforehand, with their Dad. Or I would leave, take a short trip to go visit some friends of mine. In another city. In a different state. I never felt guilty, or something.

I felt guilty about other stuff, big stuff. But not me taking time to spend away..

For whatever big stuff I felt guilty with-I tried to change what I could. Teach them something different while I could. That's different. That's core-related stuff..'

What can I do now? Nothing new I couldn't do while they were at home. It's all the other way around lol. There's stuff I was plenty able to do-and I can't anymore.

And it's freaking lonely.

I'm still that pillar..or how it's called..something for the family to rely on.

Ever-standing pillar

And it's hard. To stand still..

It's probably hardest I ever did

I really really want to live to see my grandchildren:) It's my dream.

Most people of my age-they're still not at that point..to dream to see their grandchildren in next five years or something)))

But to me it's not crazy, at all, it makes my own personal sense. I'm in a hurry..

What will be will be of course.

You know, they're really cool kids.

What's interesting-they also think I'm a very cool Mom

I think with all my mistakes that were plenty, and all-they're the best of all I did. Of all I made.

It's just hard to leave. It's hard to leave in general.

Because you're standing still while you're leaving. You want to be a ship. a boat, something a-moving, but you're not.

And you've nothing to do about that.

You just stand there. Like some Statue of Liberty. With the torch. And you pretend it's easy to stand still, and hold that torch. And you do everything to hold it carefully, and far away enough, as for your fire not to consume anyone. To be just that flickering light for them , always there, always reliable, never too hot..

But the truth is-your hands shake, and the smoke goes in your throat, and the fire eats your heart and your brain.

You just try not to show it.

But sometimes it's too hard.

So you leave a stupid undignified post on GardenWeb.

Which you'll maybe have sense to delete afterwards.

I hope I will:)

(((april)))!!!

april, every word you write calls forth dignity and grace. I can't find the words to respond in kind.

I wish..I think you're too kind. Thank you..

Thank you guys for bearing with me.

Don't you dare delete that!

PS hugs from snowy Canada, where my 17-year-old son remembered to buy his girlfriend a present, flowers, and chocolates for her birthday but not a card, so I let him take the card I had bought to give her from my husband and me lol. Because that's what we do as parents : ) .

(((apri)))

Stupid no way undignified no way. A pleasure to read yes! Thank you April you give us all food for thought in a poetic and touching way. I'm sure others would miss this post if you took it away.

April it actually brought tears to my eyes. Every time I read these empty nest threads it makes me a little sad. It's a reminder of how time goes so fast. I love my little family unit just the way it is so much but know this is a temporary phase. It's my hope and prayer that I can continue to adjust easily to the changes of my family and life in general as the years go on.

Shee I've always called our immediate family My Little Unit! Big family get-togethers for holidays or birthdays are wonderful but I make sure to have one for My Little Unit, too. Our kids are coming for extended visits - 3 weeks with DS1, DIL & DGd and 2 weeks with DS2. My in-laws and SIL are coming in as well and I had to make it clear that the last week with all of them is reserved just for our unit. Our unit has expanded of course but our DIL could not be a more perfect fit for our whole family and totally gets it. She even asked if we'd have enough time with 'just us'.

Enjoy your unit now and make memories at each phase - they do go fast as you already know. Be open to the inevitable changes and they'll be wonderful in ways you can't imagine yet.

I rarely post, but I wanted to thank you, April. My son (an only child, born when I was 40,) will graduate high school in May. I've been struggling with how I may have shortchanged him and how to fix what I can. As a teacher, I always felt that everyone else's child seemed to come first. I worry about being the pillar he needs.

Carol

I think, at every stage in life there are (or should be) "next" things to look forward to. In the beginning it might be a career, and/or getting married, buying a house, having children...watching them grow and get married and having children of their own and then those lovely grandma and grandpa moments and get togethers... I have 4 grown children, and sadly none of them will have any of their own, and 2 have moved far far away.

Perhaps this (along with illness) has halted what I have to look forward to. I think it's important to, if you can, have a loose plan in place of "alternate" things...

I agree. My oldest has ben living with her BF for 6 years. No plans for marriage and both don't want kids. They have a terrific relationship. And, we get along very well with him. They come up to spend weekends with us, sometimes spur of the moment.

I have a feeling that my youngest would be more inclined to adopt. She is currently very involved in dog rescue. She has placed all of the dogs in her care so far. Amazing, in that the last one was a 10 ten year old hound mix with a severe limp due to some injury!

A friend of mine, who didn't have kids of her own, (second marriage for both, her dh had two kids and didn't want more, and she relented) is now involved with her step grand kids and her grand nieces and nephews. She hinted that my life was lacking! I bluntly said that although it would be nice, it isn't something that I dwell on. It's their choice, not mine.

Maybe we need a support group for grandchildless parents?

I just wanted to say thanks again for all the various perspectives on this topic! My DD is doing that separation thing already, which is totally normal and I saw it with my first two, but it’s extra hard for me this time I think partly because she’s my only girl and, of course, my “baby.” sigh.

Sueb20, the stress of applying and waiting made my boys less than pleasant their senior year. It was a whole lot better once they got their acceptance letters/emails.

Grandchildren or no, the children remain our children and just because they are adults living on their own, it does not follow that family ties weaken. There will still be plenty of occasions and milestones to celebrate, adventures to take all together.

Per the grapevine, my kids are really surprised at how well I'm doing without them. I've been studying before work daily, working on a certification, happily watching the clock through the night and hopping out of bed around four, saying "I can get up now!"

april - That was a beautiful post.

April, that was way too beautiful. Don’t even think about deleting that post.

Thing is, dam it, now my oldest grandkids are getting to be adults, so I’m feeling like I’ve been through this separation thing twice! In a twisted sort of way, this doesn’t seem fair, but actually I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Grandkids are the best of your best, and I hope you all get to have some if you don’t already.

Rita, my DD sent in her application to one school early (rolling admissions), and was accepted and recruited by the gymnastics coach all by early October. She's done, so can't use that excuse. LOL. I think partly what has happened is that until about 6 months ago, her entire social life revolved around gymnastics and her teammates (it is not a school team). Then she finally really formed a good group of school friends and now these friends (including a boyfriend) are a high priority and clearly much cooler than hanging out with mom. Totally normal, I do know this!