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cnphysther

Adult stepkids hate me

Christine Jule
5 years ago

what a wonderful thing to find your thread. i would like to share my situation:


Ive been with my husband for 13 years-married for four. My husband is a widower. Ive helped him parent through thick and thin. Ive supported him, guided him, helped him in tough parenting situations. I've been very careful about my boundaries-loving and supporting his kids from a distance. I was more of a friend, a safe person to come to to talk about anything. All our kids participated in our wedding, each stood up and spoke during our service.


After marrying, I sold my house and slowly moved into my husband's house-both of us, as well as his adult children knowing that I was there to help facilitate getting the house sold so my husband and I could purchase our own home together.


So for a month or so all is good-then our breakdown begins. One son (24 years old) is depressed, quit his job and began sitting on the sofa hours each day-working minimally. He was so depressed-and i knew i couldnt live with myself if i didnt push for therapy for him. my husband said to me that his son just wouldnt agree to get help. i said if he lives in your house and does not contribute in any way to the household-it seemed to me that going to therapy could be his "job". My husband's son went one time and refused to go again. this young man was also so rude and disrespectful to his Dad-refusing to do chores and giving his Dad a tough time. I asked my husband about setting up a contract to get his son to sign, agreeing to help with minimal chores and contine with therapy if he lived in tbe house. He couldnt handle this idea so he got his son an apartment and has helped his son financially to make it on his own.this son blasted me on FB saying I kicked him out of his own house (again-he was 24 at the time).


Other son grad from college and did not get a job. again his father said what could he do-he couldnt force his kid to work. to his credit, my husband did work in his own way to pressure his son to work-but to no avail. I asked my husband if he wanted my help and he agreed. I began making my presence known to this stepchild, ststing I was coming into town to set up a plan with him to pursue a job. he didnt want my help-and began working at a bar immediately. This son hates my interference-noticing his Dad is acting differently (less tolerant of this sons manipulstive behaviors).


We think this son is using drugs as to many behaviors hes demonstrated recently. Both sons, now 24 and 26 are helped financially by their dad.


Recently they have decided tbey both hate me and refuse to speak to me and have made clear to their dad they dont want me in their life and feel their dad is picking me over them. Their dad feels guilty and has regarded me as the enemy at times. We are getting marriage counseling so we are improving in our relatiinship. recent weddings have been hard to attend as the kids (aka-adult step children!!) ignore me but will sit right next to us and just talk to their dad.


Sorry this is so long! Heres my quetion-my husband and i own a vacation home together and i have made clear his children are not allowed to come here as long as things are not at least civil between his kids and me. believe me i hsve gitten over spending time being upset over them. bottomline-i wouldnt let any of my kids take advantage of our vacation home if they werent being respectful to both my husband and me. ive appealed to my husband by saying he woukdnt want my kids in our vacation home if they were disrespecting him-he agreed.


He feels guilty though, has a history of enabling his kids and now is being pressured by his (adult) kids to allow them to come use our vacation home.


I want to stand firm and say no-I allow no disrespectful (adult) children in my vacation house period-whether Im there or not.


Am I being too harsh?



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