I'm sorry, too, Satine.

Phoggie, that is something else that would be a deterrent for me....kids, or even grandkids that are problems. I see so much drama in some families.....and that is something I have had to deal with very little in my life. My brothers and sister were grown when I was born. They got married and never were problems in the family...except my sister did have a baby out of wedlock, but I was a baby myself when that happened. Their kids grew up and never gave any problems either. I have never had to be around family that steals or uses drugs or causes trouble for other family members. Everyone in the family grew up, moved out, got a life. I see so many people who have grandchildren that are adults and take advantage of their grandparents. I have known people who were actually afraid of their grown grandchildren. I would hate to end up in a family with all kinds of drama. I don't imagine anyone would be happy being in my family either....all the horses, donkeys, dogs and cats. Especially when they found out how much it costs to feed them.

Nope! Been there, done that, got the T-shirt to prove it.

I lost my husband to Alzheimer's disease 6 years ago, just a few days shy of our 48th anniversary. It was a third marriage for both of us. If I had gone first, I know he would have been looking for someone in a very short time. Because he was the type that needed someone, he didn't handle alone time very well at all.

I'm just the opposite, I need my 'alone' time. I'm perfectly content living by myself, not lonely at all. Sometimes I wish I had a dog, but I don't feel like I can take on the responsibility of one, for various reasons.

Rusty

I am so sorry for you Satine.

I am content with my own company although I'd probably be more social if I lost my husband/best friend. I doubt that I'd marry again.

Six months ago I lost my husband to cancer after 51 years of marriage. As you may know, I miss him every day. It's too soon for me to know if I could ever love someone else. I won't be looking or putting myself out there. I can't say that I ever get lonely--I fill my time with my dog, my garden, reading and spending time with a handful of close friends.

A companion doesn't have to be a lover, just a person to share your joys and laughter; your passions and hobbies. A dinner date, a helper, a theater companion, a fellow gardener, etc.

I really don't know. We will be married 30 years in October and I rely on my DH so much. He grew up on a farm and can fix or do anything. We have the same tastes in music, movies, TV, travel. We have our two brilliant kids to visit as they live in Europe. We have the same job, so can talk about work related issues. (We work at different hospitals). Our big difference is he is really into his toys (motorcycles, boats, ATVs) whereas I don't like doing that stuff. So it gives us alone time from each other. Where would I ever find another man like that?

A companion doesn't have to be a lover, just a person

Doesn't even have to be a person. Many people have treasured pets that provide companionship.

I have been a widow for 5 years, was married 41 yrs. I am not looking, content to be single. I can do what I want when I want.

Satine and sweet betsy, my heart aches for you both. I can't imagine what it feels like, I hope I never know.

DH and I were 15 and 16 when we started dating. Married after 5 1/2 years of dating (Yes, I was 20 when we got married lol). We just celebrated our 37th anniversary a month ago. I don't know what I would do without him. We have grown up together.

I will pray for healing and peace for everyone suffering from this loss. I'm very sorry.

seniorgal, that is the sweetest story! Just lovely. Thanks for sharing!

I love your story Seniorgal.

Seniorgal, how romantic, I love that he saved a lock of your hair!

Married for 23 years (together for 30) and now divorced for 15. And have absolutely no interest in finding another man to share my life......not even interested in dating! And not because the marriage was "bad" or put me off men. Most of it was very happy but we just grew apart.

I just do not need another person to make my life complete. I have a big extended family and a lot of friends (including men) that I can be as socially involved with as I wish. But I am perfectly content with my own company - always have been. I have my business to keep me active and involved, I have hobbies and I have pets. And I like doing what I want when I want and with no one to answer to!! A SO would just get in the way and complicate things unnecessarily :-)

I hope my DH of 53 years would remarry. I'm sure he'd get a dog, and you know how attractive a man walking a dog is to females! (I'll have to remind him about that.)

We don't stop living when a loved one dies. If you've had a happy marriage, why wouldn't you entertain the thought of another partner in life? You wouldn't take 'just anyone'. I have a higher opinion of myself than to think that pet ownership is in the same league as having (risking?) a committed relationship with another person.

My late husband and I never discussed remarriage, or even the possibility of early widowhood. We were HS sweethearts, married at 20--we were sure we'd be the old folks sitting in rockers on the porch, or holding hands in the NH. He passed away suddenly, 8 years ago, after 32 years of marriage.

I doubt that I'll ever re-couple, and I know I'll never care that much about another man. I have a full life with my kids and grandkids. I would love to have more kids and grandkids swarming about the place, but I don't want to have to take a man to get them, and as mentioned above, there's no guarantee they would accept me. My daughter, son-in-law, and two grandsons live with me--if I were completely alone, or had a different personality, my attitude might be different.

I've had a couple of offers, one persistent fellow just a few days ago. His wife died a year or so before my DH, and he waited about 4 weeks after DH passed, before approaching me the first time. I'm no more interested now than I was then, and although I can be genuinely friendly, I'm not interested in companionship with him either.

IMO, there is no time frame to consider for another person--if someone is ready to date in two weeks, so be it. I would not question his/her decision, but I don't feel that I'll ever be ready. I've said on more than one occasion, if the Lord wants me to remarry, it's got to be clear--nothing less than a lightning strike. Then I'd have to wait for my singed hair to grow out before the wedding.

I have a higher opinion of myself than to think that pet ownership is in the same league as having (risking?) a committed relationship with another person.

Is that a response to my previous post which simply mentioned that a pet can be a companion?

You are welcome to make different leagues and I would probably agree, but the truth is, for those who are not ready for, may never be ready for, or do not want the person to person league, having a pet can do wonders for both person and pet in terms of companionship.

We have been married for 50 years and on occasion have discussed the possibility of a new relationship if either of us dies. DH has said that he would be interested in a relationship, but not live-in. I can't even bring myself to imagine a new relationship at all, although I enjoy companionship so it would remain to be seen. Most times, our relationship is so compatible and settled that it would be uncomfortable to deal with a new personality.

LOL!! Lucille, I'd take a dog before a man any day of the week!! Never any argument or backtalk about anything, always ready to go, ecstatic to see you when you come home and perfectly happy to join you on the couch for a good veg. And you get to watch all the shows you want to watch! And far less picking up after :-))

My husband of 35 years passed away 5 months ago. I totally miss having that one person to share my thoughts, ideas and just the activities of the day. We so enjoyed each others company, but I also enjoy my alone time which he acknowledged. I can say I won't marry again, but I sure would like a male companion to do things with. If it happens, it happens. I am not trolling around looking for a date.

Imstillchloecat, o.k. girl, you have MY attention if no one elses. Can I ask for details?!?!?!?! That is just too juicy of a tidbit to throw out for me to not at least ask. lol

Lucille -- Not directed at you. I don't think you can equate the one-sided control of a human/pet relationship with the give and take (and risk) of a committed relationship with another person.

But many find the give and take (and risk) of a committed relationship unnecessary to their happiness and well being, pets or no pets.

It will be eight years coming up in August since my husband died from Alzheimers. Seems like yesterday at times. It would be nice to meet someone for an occasional dinner out or sightseeing jaunts, etc. It would be nice too if he was handy around the house if I needed something repaired and he would be on call! Lol. That's what I really need, is a handyman! ;)

There's a lot of people in my life already to continue to love if I lost DH. I think my focus would be on them. It would be sad days though for a long time. It does happen that sometimes people go together or close to around the same time. I hope we wait for each other till we're both ready to go:-).

I am fortunate to have 3 sons who fulfil my needs for a handyman. One is a bachelor and lives with me.

I agree completely with chisue's comments.

I can't help but think that some of the comments here have covered each extreme of the continuum - there are those who say "been there, done that" and have no further interest in having a partner. And those who believe their one partner is irreplaceable and should they survive (and for those who already are in this position), they'll do so alone. Like so many things, I think the middle ground is more reasonable but maybe not for everyone. The "been there, done that" crowd seems to include a number of divorced or even multiple-divorced individuals who perhaps haven't found a happy profound relationship. Whether because of bad luck or personal inclination, I understand it is what it is.

Yes, there are people who are shy, introverted, or self-focused to the point where having others around or being in a partnership is not optimal. That's great. But to say that a pet fills the more typical role (done by another human) as a companion isn't reasonable to me. It may be the alternative chosen or taken by default, it isn't an equal substitute. If you prefer to be alone, then that's what you prefer. Animals don't change the dynamic.

Should I survive my wife I would try to continue my social life and whatever happens, happens. I suspect she would do the same. It's not a betrayal, life goes on. There's no reason to mourn someone's death forever.

For Gardengal:

https://www.schnauzers-rule.com/dogs-better-than-men.html

My mother was widowed at 68 after almost 50 years of marriage. She was still quite attractive and a few men from her church kinda hit on her. She said why would I want to cook and clean house and take care of an old man? My parents were the happiest married people I ever was around. Never heard them argue.

We have been married over 50 years and met when I was 17 and a HS junior and he was a freshman at Penn State. We married at 20 and 22 while I was still in college No, I would not marry again. We are entirely different personalities.I am emotional and he is not. We have our kids and five pets in common, our politics(thank heavens), our love of the outdoors, our house but otherwise nothing else. He's sports-obsessed and I don't watch any., so he has his man cave(the sunroom) and I have my TV in the keeping room. We also have separate bedrooms because he snores. > Maybe I'd meet a man for dinner and a movie but that would be it. I have a friend whose husband died and his kids from another marriage have made her life hell.

I am not a widow, I am a divorce. I thought I had another chance, but it was mostly wishful thinking, I think on both sides. But honestly, I thought I had given it my all.

For now, I think I will always go in the other direction, if "Opportunity" knocks again.

Moni

Been divorced for a very long time. At first I wanted to date but it never happened. Between a very demanding work life and raising kids alone, don't know I would've had the time or energy anyway. Sometimes I think I would like to have someone to hang out with, hike, go on vacation with but then I look around me and see all the unhappy marriages around me. Even the ones I thought were happy, seem to have ended badly.

This reminds me of the TV show " The Middle" where they were talking about if one dies and she was telling him she wanted him to go on with his life and be happy. She then asked him who, of their friends, would he pick if it happened both were single. He answered with a name and she was a little miffed that he didn't have to think too much about it! Lol. I imagine if I had went first my husband would ...after a appropriate amount of time... Find someone to move in and start using " my stuff!" :). :). And that would be ok, I would just haunt her a little ....

I once heard this cute story:

She: If I die before you, I want you to have a life and if you find someone special, don't feel burdened about me. Have a relationship and be happy.

He: Oh, no one could ever take your place. I might just be single for the rest of my life.

She: No, no, I mean it. You should date, maybe fall in love, I want you to follow your heart.

He: I don't know, you're the love of my life. I wouldn't want to ever tarnish the memory of you and our happiness together.

She: Well, if you did meet someone and if you did fall in love, do you think you would have her move into this house? I'm a bit uncomfortable thinking of another woman in my bed with you.

He: No, I promise you, that wouldn't happen. She hates how you've decorated this house and she told me she'd never live here.

LOL Elmer! I love it!

Lily,

It doesn't have to be an old man. There are plenty of young men who would welcome the opportunity to live with a financially secure, good cooking, funny, lively woman your age.

I was talking about my mother, Brushworks.

My Mother-in-Law is 83, and has a younger special friend that is 60. He enjoys free rent, and utilities and SHE enjoys him fixing everything and doing everything she tells him to do- don’t know how he feels about that hahaha as my husband said his mom really relishes telling him “what to do, how to do” all day long.

I am 81 yrs old and been married for 58 yrs. At this stage of life, I doubt that I'd want to join the "hunt" again. It would take me at least 2 years just to get over grieving and to adjust, that is if adjustment would be possible for me.

My husband was ill for a very long time, so I had occasion to wonder what it would be like if he predeceased me. And sure enough, it has happened just that way. It is nothing similar to what I thought it might be and I am having a difficult time getting my bearings. I am 99.9 percent certain I would never remarry but miss companionship and connection. I was happy to read all the different reactions/opinions on this thread!

I can echo Kathsgrdn; except I see a lot of good marriages and sometimes wonder what it would be like. However, I am really very introverted and find that not too many people are really comfortable or accepting of that. I was divorced, but we remained friendly, then he passed away 20 years ago. My family is a blended one that didn't so I have little to no contact with my half-sibs. At this point I never wish for more company, however, once retired I wonder if I will. Someone to do things with one or two days a month would be nice!

It's human nature to look for 'proof' that that bolsters our own opinions. This is no different. Someone who was unhappy in a relationship will highlight the negatives in other relationships, reaching the conclusion that his or her unhappy relationship is 'the norm'; this reinforces their pessimism. *Optimists* -- witness our Moni -- do not think that way; they are open to life's possibilities. We've also discussed personalities like the Princess Wife, who left relationships because, "No one has made me happy."

Surveys have shown that a second marriage has a much better chance if the first one was happy. There's an expectation of happiness -- and probably a learned willingness to make adjustments to make the relationship work.

Not everyone is well suited to marriage, whatever the reason. Today, people do not have the same societal pressure to BE married. Know Thyself, eh?

Also -- we have danced around *sex* . I'm reading crossed signals here about the meaning of 'companionship', despite the topic of this tread talking about LOVE.

When my husband died in 2005 after suffering with dementia for 10 years, all I wanted to add to my life was some peace. Relationships--even the best ones--can be complicated, and require energy to get them started and maintained. I think if I fell in love the energy would follow, but I've avoided being in a position to find out.

I do know I don't want to be legally bound to anyone at this point in my life. And I don't want to live with someone--not because I think it's immoral (I don't), but because I don't want to live with someone.

It's a trade-off, of course. There are times when I miss all the things that make having a partner so desirable. If I were younger I'd probably put myself out there mentally. I think that's all the universe needs to do its part.

But most of the time I think more about getting a dog.

"The love and life we had will last me a lifetime." I LOVE that statement...so beautiful.

I think about this quite a bit - DH had some very serious heart issues last year including open heart surgery and then later had to have electric shock to re-start him. And now a defibrillator/pacemaker permanently implanted. So every additional day we have is a bonus. We were high school sweethearts and have been married 43 years.

We have separate bedrooms because of his health issues, plus he snores like a freight train. As I went to bed last night, I thought of how much I enjoyed having the bed/bedroom all to myself.

Would I put myself out there, if DH doesn’t make it for another tomorrow? Well, hell no!! Why would I? I’m self-sufficient.

I have already experienced the looks, the comments, the soft touch on the shoulder, from several men who make it clear they would be interested in me “if” the time comes. They think I’m interested in them. Unfortunately, they have another think coming.

OMG liittlebug. That would be a huge turn off for me! Some people have no class.

Yep. One called as I sat by DH’s hospital bed - ostensibly to check on DH, of course. Not that I’m that great a catch I M O, but that particular man wants help raising his teenagers and thumbing his nose at his ex-wife. Nothankyou.

“every additional day we have is a bonus“.

Do I know that feeling. Actually a mixture of feelings. Feeling greatful for any additional time, greatful we even had the time as it wasn’t sudden (like an accident) but ALWAYS aware the timer of life was counting down quickly.

He was only in hospice 13 days before he passed. I really thought he had at least 1 month, not 13 days. Maybe I was in denial.

My favorite Shirley MacLaine quote from Terms of Endearment was when Debra Winger just passed and Shirley said, “somehow I thought it would be a relief!”

Part of me wanted the suffering to just end and part of me didn’t want him to let go.

Only some will understand this. It’s NOT enough, but it WAS enough. I wanted more - yet grateful for what I had.

So well put.

I'm truly sorry for your loss. I lost my "growing old partner" due to life circumstances, not widowed, and I will not even consider dating again. I'm just too doggone happy being me for now. I might change, but if I don't that's ok too. I will not go looking for love if that's the question? It'd have to find me, that's certain.

My husband has been gone for almost 7 yrs and it's very lonely. I would love to find a companion but it's so hard nowadays. I agree with satine.