New stepmom concerns

5 years ago

My ex and I have been divorced for 5 years and the coparenting with joint custody was going pretty well until he got engaged last summer. She moved in 3 months ago and my children (ages 9 and 11) are really struggling. We started counselling with my oldest son after he had a meltdown one night about how unhappy he was. Through my discussions with the kids, I am concerned about how they are being raised. The counsellor is also concerned and I believe an investigation is going to be started. Some of the examples from the last 3 months include:

• Calling the kids jerks, other swear words

• Saying they are torturing their stepmom or making her life hell frequently

• Skipping some of the kids activities, including mandatory team practices and games

• Pinching and twisting their nipples or legs, hitting them (they just told me about this today)

• Dad smacked youngest son in the face (no marks left)

• Dad refused to let son brush his teeth before bed as punishment, said it was a privilege

• Kids say dad only does what stepmom says and she sets all the rules, including lots of chores.

• Stepmom sending me rude very long texts and emails, demanding changes to our parenting schedule so they get more days in a row with the kids, messages are manipulative, condescending and include inappropriate personal comments, I asked her not to message me and then sent more messages a month later

• Stepmom refusing to put kids in summer camp since she is unemployed and will watch them, but keeps changing her mind. Dad refuses to commit to a summer schedule.

• Stepmom blames me for making the situation with the kids toxic, since my son read one of her messages to me on my phone. Her messages blame me and the kids for pretty much anything you can think of.

• My ex has a history of lying but he comes off very charismatic and has said everything is going great. He also has a history of drug use (every day or other day use of pot primarily), which he hides well. I am not sure how effective the investigation will be if both dad and stepmom lie and twist the facts, as I have seen in the messages they sent.

In spite of all the issues, I know their dad loves them and they love their dad and I want them to have a good relationship with him if possible. My kids have always been very active, in lots of sports and activities, they have lots of friends and do good in school. I am at a loss as to how to protect them, i.e. should I try to get custody of the kids, wait for the outcome of the investigation? I don’t think they should be out there this summer all day with their stepmom with all these concerns. Any advice?

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Comments (3)

sushipup1
5 years ago
Talk to your lawyer ASAP.
Sara Tilmont
5 years ago
Your kids are having to deal with her on their own. And they are likely doing things that aren't helping the situation because they are kids. Your ex is being passive, so typical. His wife sees problems and is an outsider, so she's trying to take the bull by the horns and fix them. That's also very common. She comes across as an evil control freak.

You say she texted you and you told her to stop. My mother also refused to deal with my stepmother, insisting all communication go through my father or their attorney. I suppose that's one way to handle it. But I have a friend who has befriended her husband's wife. She was actually her husband's mistress for several years before the divorce. She goes by the adage, keep your friends close but your enemies closer.

My friend has no fondness for the new wife personally, but she's friendly and when at family functions they chat. Because they have an established relationship, the SM is quick to stand down when she goes overboard. I wonder if you might try this approach. I think there are many frustrations that happen from being a SM, and one of the biggest ones is being excluded or dismissed. By acknowledging her, you may be able to be involved enough to have open dialogue and I think your kids would benefit from that.

Growing up, it wasn't fair to me or my brother to have to deal with our stepmother on our own. Our father traveled often, so much of the time it was just us and her. She said the more horrible, vile things to us that no adult should ever say to a child. She did it because she had her own insecurities, and felt like she was excluded. If she could be made to feel like a broker, or a mediator, it might have given her a sense of being involved. And in return, she might have felt a little more obligation to be decent to us because of it. Leverage, it has a lot to do with stepfamilies unfortunately.
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"When I made a list of our relationship pros and cons, his parenting was the biggest (and almost the only) issue. Has anyone else had similar experiences?" *Raises hand* I dated a guy for two years that had an 8 year old son. Because he only had him ever other weekend and on Wednesday evenings, he spoiled his son and let him get away with a lot because he "didn't want to spoil the time he had with him". I tried working with my BF about his son, but he got defensive whenever I said something to him about his son's behavior. You are right - it's not your job to fix your boyfriend's children. You did not make them that way or allow them to become that way. Granted, the daughter may be on the autism spectrum, may need counseling, or just some firm parenting, but it is NOT YOUR JOB to fix. The one thing I learned from my experience is I will not wait so long to meet a man's children. I waited a whole year before getting to know my BF's son, and by that time I was already in love with the father, so it was hard to break it off once I started seeing the issues with my BF's parenting. I tried working on the issue with my BF for another year, but eventually I realized that unless he was willing to step up and parent his son, there was nothing I could do. Plus, you have to realize, with step kids your hands are tied behind your back You can't properly discipline them the way you would your own. Unless the dad is willing to step up and properly parent his children, you are only signing yourself up for a life of misery. Sure, his poor parenting may be the ONLY thing wrong with him, but that ONE thing will grow into a monster. There are many things in a relationship that the two of you have to argee on, and one of them is parenting. Of course your BF is upset you want to back off, you are the one doing all the heavy lifting in the relationship. I think I know why he's better with you and your kids. It sounds like you have raised your kids to be respectful, polite and well behaved. It's EASIER to deal with kids that have been raised right. It's a lot harder to RETRAIN kids that have been allowed to misbehave their whole life. And you probably don't get defensive if he tells you something about your kids, or go into denial about their behavior, which is what your BF is doing. And the fact that he wants more time with his kids would make me run for the hills. My BF did the same thing, we were talking about moving in together, and I thought I could handle it since his son would only be there every other weekend and on Wednesdays, but then the BM let the son stay with my BF full time. I knew I could not handle living with his son full time and I told my BF I could not move in with him. He got upset as well, and that was only another indicator to me that the relationship was in trouble (although at the time I didn't break up with him). I remember I once asked the ladies on here if they knew what they did now about step families and all the problems they would go through, would they do it again, and many of them said NO. That was what convinced me that I needed to break up with my BF. It's been three months since I've broken up with him and I don't regret my decision. Sure, sometimes I'm lonely, but a visit back to this site reminds me of why I broke it off and how happy I am now that I don't have to deal with all that mess!
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I understand that you felt that telling the GP's and SGP's about the Japan thing was o.k. because she had posted it on her myspace, I suppose I would have asked her first to make sure it was allright to spread the news. Sounds like SD is totally punishing with the grandbabies, and that's just selfish and unfair on her part. You have the right to be angry about it, but you also need to just let her get it out of her system, being a new mom again and dealing with the hormones. I wouldn't want to go to Vegas pregnant, either. Sounds like she was just EXPECTING to be brought along, not wanting to be left out. A bit spoiled? You're allowed to be angry, but don't continue to carry it because it's just not healthy for anyone. I can't give you much advice about SS. 24 is still very young, he's got a lot of growing up to do.
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Well, how does she feel about the baby? A nine y.o. DD may be a great helper. It could work out beautifully. However, it could be a recipe for disaster. Even now, w/ my 24 y.o. SD living w/ us, I'm ill at ease. The every other weekend when my 3 SC were younger was far easier as I could smile and turn the other cheek for a weekend here and there, but now I'm sharing a house w/ a grown woman and it's tough for two women to share a roof (and a kitchen), esp. when both want to be the husband/dad's alpha female, lol. Things w/ my SD here have markedly improved since our Easter argument if you ever caught it or care to go back and read it. I think the bottom line is that you need to see how you really feel about the SC in general. Don't think about how your DH wants you to be, think about how you really feel about the kids. If there's any animosity, you must work through it or it will fester and it's not fair to you or the child. I sometimes "get quiet" to my SD, then gripe to my husband about this or that. It isn't right and I'm working on it, but I have 3 small boys I'm juggling here and it seems as though no one ever lends a hand or validates my day to day ongoings... I have a problem w/ how to ever get the SD out of the house should it not work out. Obviously, you do not want her feeling pushed out of the nest when your child arrives. What are her reasons for moving? How will she do w/ changing schools, meeting new friends, etc? This is a tough age to deal w/ a lot of change. Try to give a little more info - also about the other SC, the BM, etc. Is she unhappy w/ her BM? Will she be OK w/o her and her sibling? It's a lot. I'd proceed w/ extreme caution. Dana
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I just stumbled accross this forum just now, I hope that my comment on this blog isn't horribly out of context, but I have some sincere thoughts about the comments listed in reference to this dilemma. Personally, I dont find a leg for parents to stand on in this issue. I think it's a travesty. The idea that it is somehow 'excusable' for a parent to mistreat a child. There was a comment up there that unless I misunderstood it, suggested that this was in someway alright. I dont suppose it crossed any of these parents minds that we're talking about full grown adults... placing blame... on the situation... or worse the children... hmm.. something doesn't jive there. Anyone who assumes the role of a parent, Mother or Father, should realize that they have accepted the responsibility to teach, provide and care for the children under their stewardship ~ regardless of bilogical ties. If they can't handle it, then they were not prepared to enter into that marriage. Besides, there's not a mother in the universve that is going to say that it's a pic nic to raise children, even if they are your own. It's a matter of equality ~ a child being treated unfairly by a parent is wrong. Simple as that. It doesn't matter what the child does, how can you hold a child accountable to the understanding of an adult? Of course it's going to be difficult for a parent to accept a new child, especially one that is not of their own blood. However, difficulty has never, and never will justify inequality in any degree. We're talking about childrens lives here! Isn't their future worth a little sacrfice on parents part? I have lived in a home with step parents, and witnessed first hand the inequality of a step parent and the negative effects on the child development. For the Childrens sake, they are not to be overlooked. And it doesn't only effect the unfavored stepchildren, it also effects the developement of the favored children drastically. They see the inequality and think that it is ok, and begin to think that they are simply better than the other children. This can lead to serious developmental consequences, especially when the inequality goes unchecked and uncorrected. I have had recent exposure to support groups that are designed to help split families come together, and have healthy interfamily relationships. The thing that I can't figure out, is this whole 'evil Step-Mother' thing. I do not intend to dish out any inequality myself, I'm sure Fathers have their part in it too. But it is uncanny how prevelant this condition really is! I scarcely have heard of a split family that DIDN'T experience this Evil Step Mother situation. In most cases, the Mother begins the new marriage with good intnetions of treating her new husbands children with love and nurture. The husband of course is desperate to have an environment where his children can have that much needed influence in the home. This all sounds peachy and wonderfull, but usually about six months into the marriage, there begins to be a rift. It usually arrises with the Mother secretly trying to find ways to favor her children, to make them feel MORE important. It slowly increases until it is no longer secret, this of course makes the already vulnerable and confused children of the Father to feel unwanted, and this arouses a sense of justice. This of course leads to conflict, if there's one thing children understand very well, it's equality. Fairness. And from there its a downward spiral, with the parents eventually having to pick sides. I hope this doesn't rub anyone the wrong way. I realize it's pretty 'stereotypy', but it's been ridiculously common in nearly everyone I talk to. With the exception of a few Mormon familys I've met ~ they seem to have figured out how to make it work. I suppose this isn't going to be recieved well. My only goal is to help parents better see things from the childrens standpoint, and stop being selfish. Jorell ps I try to be very open minded, and would love to hear any alternative veiws.
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Roberta Burple
5 years ago
last modified: 5 years ago
WOW! ((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) first off ID like to say I understand completely ! This is super crazy similar to my situation. From what I can gather, my ex most likely was a covert narcissist during our 16 year marriage, and has now married his borderline flying monkey ( attacks perceived enemy of new narc husband)+unstable wife, who he has become a fisherman dad for. A fisherman dad is one who hands over all the power to a borderline wife, and he does not protect his kids. As far as custody Id say to let the counselor figure things out more before pulling them away from their dad completely. I would agree this step Mother is not fit to be spending all summer break with the kids, and I would find an alternative situation each day for them to partake in, even if you have to pay half, it is worth sparing them the mental issues later from post traumatic stress. Im trying to discover was to empower my kids and free them from toxic people , not just for the sake of step Mom dealings, but life! I like the book "stop being manipulated ". its a guide on how to deal with people who are toxic communicators- control freaks. At the core of borderlines is a huge need to dominate and a fear of others abandoning them, kids become a huge threat to a borderline step mom. GOOGLE in youtube" borderline mothers" and you will find lots of free information on what your kids will be dealing with. Arm them for war! Also, the father hit your son in the face???? What the heck?? thats abuse! keep in mind these kids need to be fully aware of what their personal bill of rights are. They have a right to not be touched! Their opinions matter!their feelings matter! they can say "no"!

Teach your kids their value, go no contact with the step mom, journal everything, and if anyone gets verbally or physically abused again , go pick them up that day and head straight to a family counseling session with dad and kids. ( counselor can give him a wake up call about her duty to report such events by law)

good luck! im here for you if you need to talk!

ID like to add here that in the beginning I welcomed the step Mother to join us in parenting as well. She was added to text groups and we were cordial, but with a borderline its all about control and always being right, it doesn't matter how nice I was when she would trigger from insecurity, I was to be her doormat and target, and I want my kids to see healthy relations, thats toxic behavior and I will not tolerate abuse. I dealt with enough married to the narc!

New stepmom concerns

Comments (3)

sushipup1

Sara Tilmont

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Roberta Burple

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