Oh for Pete's sake, there is ABSOLUTELY no reason to think the fiance is some kind of psycho abuser wanting to molest OP's granddaughter. This is blame-shifting at it's finest. It's irresponsible and slanderous and it doesn't help the OP at all. If anything is leads her down a false path that will only make her problems with her daughter worse. Per OP, the fiance doesn't seem to like her or her husband much. He is not warm, doesn't make much eye contact and seems to avoid them to a certain extent. However, she also reports that he is civil and there's been no open hostility or disagreement or harsh words. He appears to dislike them, but has not withheld his daughters from the OP, which he could have done if he disliked her intensely. OP considers his daughters to be unruly brats who don't really belong to her family, altho she's willing to make a small effort to play step-grandmother if it's not too much trouble. The fiance did participate in the Disney breakfast altho it was clear he was not happy about it--so he's willing to accommodate her to a certain extent to keep family peace. To try to blame the estrangement on him, and then escalate him into an abusing child molester is ridiculous. In any interpersonal conflict there is fault on both sides, even though usually everyone wants to believe that they are completely innocent and misused. If you are estranged from a family member, you ARE partially at fault. People don't like hearing that; they think they must be an exception, but it doesn't work that way. And nothing can be resolved until they are willing to own their part of the problem. Nothing. In fact, it will continue to get worse as long as someone insists they are perfectly lovely and always correct and complete victim. The OP has a multi decade relationship with her daughter. It's long and complicated. But we know that her daughter worries about the OP making scenes, and that worry would be based upon past experience. We know the daughter has accused OP of trying to buy her and her children, and in fact OP did state she built a $100,000 for a 2 year old (altho I am sure that's not the only reason the pool was built I hope). The problem was severe enough, the daughter forbade further gifts and the OP worries about gifts and cards being returned. She has only recently sent a tub of popcorn at Thanksgiving which is not inappropriate, if it came before the request to stop sending gifts. If it came afterwards, it was pushy and way out of bounds. Per OP she's had problems with several other family members. And she was pushy and insensitive regarding the Disney trip. They invited themselves, and then when they found out they weren't wanted after buying the tickets but before getting on the plane, they did not change the date of their vacation or did not go as scheduled but stay away from the daughter's family (which would have been easy to do). She insisted on a breakfast. She did not respect what they wanted. We can also see from what the OP wrote that she has conflicting requirements, she doesn't want to be in large gatherings with the girls, unless it's at Disney. She doesn't like coping with all of them, but is willing to babysit. She calls them unruly, out of control and screeching, but says they are lovely. She doesn't want to take them out in public, unless apparently they are at an amusement park. We also see from the OP's post that she is reactionary, resists self insight, and lashes out easily when she doesn't hear what she wants to hear. You can imagine how difficult would be for her daughter to deal with. And the OP's rejection of her newborn son over not getting to see her daughter alone would be very painful and angering. The OP is unreasonably rigid. We see from what the OP wrote here she is very focused on what she wants and does not seem to be much aware of the wants of her daughter. That her daughter wants something different than what OP wants does not make what the daughter wants wrong or bad, just different. But OP doesn't see that, she only sees that it is not what she wants and finds that sufficient basis to judge her daughter's wants as being wrong. Two strong willed women whose wants conflict does not in any way mean a third person is an child molesting abuser. It's very clear that the OP is at fault here. The daughter is also at fault. She is as inflexible as her mother, and just because her mother is rigid, does not make it right for the daughter to be rigid. What harm would it be to allow some time for grandmother and granddaughter to be alone together at least on occasion? One would think the daughter would understand OP would like to recreate that time she spent with her grandmother and the time when her granddaughter lived with her. I wonder if the daughter has nice memories of spending time along with her grandmother, or did the OP not facilitate that relationship? I also wonder if the daughter is worried about her mother showing favoritism among the children. The favoritism is clear (and understandable perhaps) especially the distinction between the biological granddaughter and step granddaughters, but it's hard believe the daughter would tolerate her mother favoring her daughter over the son. The daughter also has problems communicating with her mother. She didn't want her mother to come on the vacation and yet when her parents asked, she didn't say so right out then. Perhaps she was afraid of a scene. But that's not an excuse to not be clear. l Perhaps she thought it was rhetorical, it wouldn't really happen, or thought it meant it was something they should do sometime, not necessarily this time. A sort of 'let's do lunch' proposal. But again, it was her responsibility as well as OP's to make sure they were talking about the same thing. OP said she seemed initially approving of the idea then changed her mind after the tickets were purchased. Maybe she liked the idea but her fiance didn't and she encouraged the self-inviting without considering it was also her fiance's vacation and she should have spoken to him before allowing anyone else to crash the vacation, particularly since he's made it clear, they aren't his favorite people. So perhaps she initially encouraged her parents to join the vacation w/o thinking of her fiance's feelings. And then she found herself in the awkward position of having to backtrack. (btw, that the fiance may not have wanted OP and her husband on the vacation does not mean he's a child molesting abuser) So the daughter is at fault too. But the daughter isn't the one writing here, she's not the one deprived of the relationship with these children. Children who won't be children for long. OP however is the one looking for answers, and the only responsible answer is for HER to change some of the things about her that contributes to the problem. Doing the same thing she's done for the last 5+ years is not going to suddenly work. She needs to do something else, and blaming the fiance is not that something else. Looking honestly are her part in the estrangement is. A therapist would be a worthwhile investment.

I cry happy tears and sad tears so I empathize with those who do as well. Children crying through hurt or sadness or mistreatment really can break my heart. But I have no time for those who cry to manipulate me into doing something or for those who are trying to get attention, etc.. Then I have to harden my heart.

:) Beagles, I bought a nice plastic box for my touch screen stereo controller so I could use it from the tub. :) It's not the kind that you can get in waterproof form. I think they make those yellow toss 'em in the pool TV remotes though... Weedmeister, I love the active backsplash idea!! Not so much for the fishing shows, but can you just imagine? The recipe over the stove, Julia in the corner explaining how to fillet the squab and not lose any of the precious meet, the illustration from www.howtobutchersquab.info right next to her, the evening's menu with timer reminders on the other side, and the guest list with phone numbers, table arrangement, and allergies, at the other end. All controllable by voice or gesture. I totally love it!!! Marcolo, the TVs themselves are probably pretty expensive (mine were gifts so I don't know for sure), but the frame part can be done pretty easily if you're willing to compromise a little. You build a box frame on the wall, surrounding the TV (and run the wires through the wall so they're not all hangin' down), and then you cover the box with your painting or mirror. There are different ways to do it. You can make bifold doors that tuck out of the way and paint a pretty picture on them, you can hinge a proper framed art piece so long as it's not too heavy--I've seen this done where it dropped down and on the wall side of the frame, instead of brown paper or linen, there was a rack for the controllers and some pieces of the surround sound. I've also seen where the art only goes up when there's company, so they just have a double angled slat top edge/hanger and the framed piece sets on the floor behind an end table otherwise. I like having the ugly black TV on the island. It's right by the seating for A/V company when one is alone, or shucking peas (or, more likely, clipping artichokes), and I have it on a little slate turntable so it's easy to turn it to face the cook. Often, I'll turn on the news while I'm prepping or something and not even bother turning it because I'm looking at my work. Yup. Really functional. But no disguising it. The HDMI wire does help though. Just that and the power cord, rather than spaghetti. And the thing has Bluetooth and, I think, wi-fi, so if the stereo were allowed internet privileges (it's been hinting, and it has a birthday coming), the TV could get Hulu or Netflix without a computer hookup. 'Course, then my refrigerator would start calling home to Germany and trying to get my phone to talk my ipod into turning the car against me.

@mgmum we as well have a cold room in the basement with a large deep freeze so that helps for us as well! I am glad to hear you love your galley.. it's starting to grow on me:) I could probably put a second entry for safety wise on the north wall of living room somehow, but literally it would not get used as not accessible or seen from front...I just don't see a good spot for one if you have a suggestion:)