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It's been two months

4 years ago

My boyfriend died January 19, 2018. He struggled with addiction. We were long distance and the day he died, I got a call from his brother. I still have the voicemail because I was at work when he called. I still have dreams he's back and read old text messages. I can't get myself to listen to all the voicemails he would leave for me but I like knowing they're there. I got a new job and moved away from home, I'm living on my own for the first time in awhile. We had a pact that whichever one of us got a "real" job first, the other one would move to be with the other.
I have a lot of what if questions and know I'll never get answers. During one of his severely depressed days, he told me if I ever died, he would probably kill himself. I know it's dumb and too soon but I was thinking about what if I was in another relationship later. I would feel like a terrible person if I did date someone else even next year. He was so committed to me I feel like a bad person for even considering a relationship at some point in the far future. I'm 25. I don't know life just kind of sucks right now.
But I also have good things going like getting a good job.
I have my good and bad days and I think today is one of those really bad and sad days when I miss him so much.

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