Question/complaint...people who talk on speakerphone
8 years ago
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- 8 years ago
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Estranged Brother
Comments (23)yes motherlode, i look at estrangement as a kind of addiction. i realize each case is unique and some forms of estrangment are probably neccessary for those who have sadly been abused. but in many cases, including my own, there are adult children who are estranging their elder parents only because they need someone to blame. the operative word here is "need". if you try to take away their rationalizations you will encounter great resistence. that is why many of us become confused because; we don't understand why wouldn't they want reconsilation/healing/closure as badly as we do. the reason being it's not a conscious choice for them. their need to have someone to point to and blame is so entrenched in their psyche that it becomes very difficult for them to relinquish it. it allows them to maintain their self image that they're "perfect" or "i am good". it's easier for them to convince themselves if you have someone that they can say is bad or evil. that is why you get alot of demonization and judgement from these kids (adult children). it's only out of some kind of profound insecurity that these adult children blame their parents and estrange them. now if you are going to do intervention and attempt a dialogue with one who estranges then it's important to realize that the person you're dealing with is addicted to blame. and just like any other form of addiction (ie. alchohol,drug,creditcards,infidelity, etc.) there is a denialism that is associated with it that is very difficult to penetrate. that's is why it's so difficult just to get to first base because to give in and admit anything would fracture the foundation of all their displaced anger and instead of directing it at thier parents they would have to learn how to take responsibility for their own failures. parents are just easy targets and appear more than willing, because of guilt, to assume responsibility for their adult children. if they are at fault for anything it is for enabling their children. so that's why i cautioned brozino to go slow. there's nothing rational about this process. what complicates it even further is the fact that all of us to some degree or another have these same issues present in our own lives, it's just that we somehow have not allowed these feelings to take over our minds and estrange others. that's why a qualified family mediator is essential to help facilitate civil and constructive dialogue. one can't think that they can "fix it" by themselves. if brozino can just get his brother to agree to talk again or possibly with his minister that would be a great accomplishment. it's tough to do but if he can then there's hope for the rest of us....See Moreretro? cordless landline phone that isn't ugly
Comments (43)IowaCommute, it's a phone not a heart valve. Honestly not trying to be rude, but I have had in the past 2 Pottery Barn phone for years and they worked great. Although I doubt very much that Pottery Barn made it, they probably just design the outside (or copy the design, ðÂÂÂ) and brand it and one of the phone companies make it. ETA: you do bring up a good point about keeping the landline. We have a landline but it's through Verizon fios so it does have a limited battery life in case of power outage. It's something everyone should look into, what happens to your basic utilities in case of long term power outage. This post was edited by kiko on Mon, Dec 1, 14 at 16:00...See MoreDidn't want to hijack another post
Comments (26)pseudo, What BM is doing to her kids is abuse, in my opinion. But, my opinion means squat. I'm not sure what your entire situation is, but have you and DH taken a 'defensive' stance? It sounds as if everything you do is defending yourselves and that no matter how ridiculous BM's complaints are, she is being taken seriously.... maybe because you are defending yourselves? When she says her son is bi polar... I'd respond by asking her why she thinks that. Then, suggest a professional evaluate him. I might even add my opinion to the professional, "he seems like a normal 10 year old to me. I'd hate to think of him being labeled as bi polar if he really isn't. I'd hate to see him on medication if he really doesn't need to be." and let the professional make the determination. It's just my opinion, but it's a bad parent that pushes to get their kid diagnosed and on medication for something, unless there are obvious signs that others besides mom notice. Thinking Munchausen by proxy? (Is mom getting something out of kid having mental health problem?) When mom wants to split up the kids by taking them on alternate weekends, I might ask if she thinks it's important for her kids to spend time with her together? It might create more rivalry if they alternate weekends. Imagine one kid comes back saying we did ______. and the other kid feels like he missed out on that fun. It can become a competition and about who has more fun with mom or who mom likes better. That rivalry can happen when they are together, but might be worse when they are split up. My SD is constantly worried that her mom is doing things with BF's kids when she's not there, or that she talks to her sister more than her. I'd point out that it's not about mom & her convenience, it's about the kids & what's best for them, even if it means mom is inconvenienced. If you are not defensive but making it about the kids, not about mom or you/DH, then you might get better results. Mom wants to be seen as the victim and your complaint of her is only going to fuel her image as a victim. But, if you are not complaining about what mom is doing, but complain about things that hurt/affect the kids... how can DSS or mom argue with that. Let me give you an example: In our situation, BM says she'll call SD back, then doesn't. Instead of DH calling BM (or someone else) and saying how terrible BM is for not calling SD, he would say to BM (or someone else) how upset SD gets when her mom promises to call but doesn't. She looks at the clock (when BM says I'll call you back in 30 minutes) and mopes around. Sometimes she calls BM back & gets her voice mail. If DH were to call BM and be critical of her not calling (or answering her phone), BM would feel attacked (& think DH is telling her what to do) and someone else might see him criticizing mom as him attacking mom. But, when it's presented from how it makes SD feel, it's not attacking mom, it's worrying about SD, which gets a different reaction. (mom still gets defensive & makes excuses but she can't argue that SD isn't sad when SD is sad by it.)...See MoreA long, hard look at mammograms
Comments (75)I've only read the article posted. Was she making the kind of claim that leads to a suit? Not just sharing her pain about the cancer? That whole celebrity thing of my problems will help people? I thought she did go to her regular physician, too. That the emergency room was about the pain so bad it needed urgent attention that happened four times because her regular doctors didn't find anything wrong, but maybe I misread it? Whichever, there's a big difference between a proper discharge of "take this for the pain and see your physician Monday morning", or "we're going to have to send you to a specialist", and "you're fine, you're just fat", no matter who said it to her. In the US, at least, emergency rooms are also for a lot more than strokes, heart attacks and traumas. It's for broken bones, major cuts and burns, etc. Too many people also go there because they have no other access to health care, but that's changing with the new insurance structure. I had a small wound on my thumb that wouldn't stop bleeding on a weekend, and which was beyond my knowledge of first aid. I heard them in the emergency room (small hospital, not a trauma center) arguing over who would have to treat it because it was boring. The guy who did had to be reminded that it had to be cleaned first. He had some sticky stuff I'd never heard of that gives the clot something to form on. He could have just handed it to me and let me do it myself and the result would have been better. I've been to the major hospital emergency room recently with elderly relatives, and they have a much better culture, and were fairly compassionate and quite able. There's more to medicine than racking up interesting cases however....See More- 8 years ago
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