Well most definitely she doesnt get ANY of the pictures until she coughs up some money.Although,that certainly isnt the point is it?
Next time do not accept "a check" tell her cash upfront or NO DEAL.
I certainly dont blame you for being mad.Sounds like a real winner.

We can't afford the "school pictures" mom also flipped out saying that's what she pays CS for ... well .... This year I am taking all 6 to a studio to get a "family" portrait ...giving them as christmas gifts to the families.

If mom wants them she can buy them.

Are the kids back living with you? ... I thought (maybe I am wrong) ... the kids were living with her for the school year?

You could sue her for the money but what's the point. It's a lesson on her word and next time, say okay but don't order them if the money isn't there. It's not your problem. She can take them to a discount studio just as easy and get the pictures. Of course, if she's not visiting, paying support, etc., I wouldn't worry about it when she throws a fit. What is she going to do if you don't order school pictures? NOTHING. Better yet, I'd tell her to call the school & send the money directly to them, keep you out of it completely since you chose not to order them.

cawfe...the kids visited their mom for a few weeks this summer but that was it. NEVER would they live with her!

Well my dh and I decided to take this one step farther and then let it go. We sent an e-mail to her and a copy of it to her mom stating that we have not yet received the money for the pictures she asked us to order. We said that we put out the money for her and took her word about her sending us money for them and restated the price and said that we expect payment for the pictures that she requested and agreed to pay for. At the bottom we made a note saying that we were not sure how often she checked e-mail so that is why we were sending this to her mother as well and if her mother got it please pass the info onto her daughter. Maybe a little embarassment will do the trick! If not, well than I guess lesson learned-no favors in the future- and we have lots of pictures!

So we got a response to the e-mail. My dh's ex called my cell and told me that she NEEDS HER PICTURES! I told her that until we received payment for them that my dh said they were our pictures. She began telling me that I should send her the pictures because they are of HER KIDS!! I reminded her of the price for the pictures and reminded her of the fact that she picked the packages. When she began yelling I pulled the phone from my ear and called the kids and told them their mom was on the phone.

While on the phone one of my sd's came up to me and asked why I will not send her mom her school pictures, afterall her mom was the one who wanted them. So, I told her that her mom was supposed to pay for them and has not mailed us the money yet. I also told her that when we receive the money we will be able to mail the pictures. Then I guess her mom told her a sob story of how she can not afford it because she is not working and has a 1yr old and is due anyday with another baby.

My sd began yelling at me telling me that I am not being fair (with her mom one the phone-probably encouraging this)

So I told her that we can send her mom the pictures, but if her mom can not pay the money for the pictures that she had promised to pay we can no longer afford her band lessons and instrument. I also told her that without that money we can not afford her birthday party this month that she had planned for her and her friends at the indoor pool near us. And I told her that she can not do the Secret Santa present exchange at school either because we will not have the extra money. Then I walked out of the room.

I then overheard her begin yelling at her mom about having 2 more kids and not being able to take care of her and her siblings! She told her mom that she hated her and then she hung up!

Her mom called back and I let it go to my voicemail, because the other 2 heard their big sister yelling at their mom and neither of them wanted to answer the phone.

When the voicemail started to beep the oldest asked me if she could listen to the message so I played it on speakerphone for her.

She left a message telling me that I ruined her relationship with her daughter and that I can have the ungreatful brats!

If I would have known what was on the message I would not have played it. Afterwards the kids all went upstairs. The older 2 began ripping up pictures of their mom and crying saying they never want to talk to her again!

I feel horrible and do not know what to do???? My DH says it is their moms own fault for involving the kids in the picture situation. Part of me is wishing I did not feed into it, but I am tired of looking like the bad guy all the time!

OUCH.. you kinda made yourself look like the bad guy this time. I cringed as I read this and while I understand your frustration and why you would want to do this, the reality is that it hurt the children. If mom was yelling at you and you call the kids to get on the phone, didn't you expect her to tell the kids... who in turn want mom to calm down so they yell at YOU. Then to threaten to take away all the fun stuff so they will get mad at mom. and then you let them listen to a message without screening it? (and you knew she was angry) Oh, I'm sorry but I have to say YOU made a big mistake. Yes, the kids may be angry at mom right now and tearing up her pictures, but do you think that is going to unbreak their heart from what they heard her say? She is their mom and I'm sure she loves them, even if she isn't as much a part of their lives as they'd like or whatever the reason. She may be a terrible mom but she's their mom and you allowed this to escalate. I disagree with your DH that mom didn't involve them, you did by putting them on the phone. I'm sorry you are feeling horrible but if you can, I would go to the kids and apologize for putting them in the middle. I would explain that mom probably didn't mean what she said, she was angry and maybe frustrated. If you must, you can explain that mom had promised to pay for the pictures and if she wants them, she has to pay. You might be nice enough to encourage each child to frame one of the pictures to give to mom but keep the packages until she pays.

Mom cannot make you look like the bad guy.. only you can do that to yourself and I'm sorry to say, I think you messed this one up.

You told the child that if the mom didnt pay you, no birthday party for her? Great work in getting kids to hate mom. I feell sorry for these kids. And your DH backed you up.

I did not want to argue with their mom and they had not talked to her in weeks, so I was trying to end the situation and let them talk to their mom. I really did not think that she would keep it going on the phone with them. And then I let my anger towards their mom get the best of me when she began feeding them bs about how I should just send her the pictures and in my mixed emotion state I was trying to make the oldest see the value of money and how we would have to give up something if we got stuck paying for these pictures that their mom had ordered and was supposed to pay for.

It just all got messed up. And their mom has financially set us back so many times with all her garbage I just got really upset. We are not well off and that $150 really is a big deal to us right now. I would never have wasted that much money on school pictures!

I feel bad that their feelings got hurt in this whole situation. That was never my intention, I was just sick of always backing down from their mom and letting her look like the saint and us the meanies.

I am sorry about the wasted money. And there are times when everyone says to a child, we dont have the money for that, we cant do it. And even sometimes you may have to say, we thought we would have the money, and we dont.

You are teaching the child that she is responsible for her mothers mistakes. Were your biokids penaliaed or just stepchild? Maybe you should change your screen name to MomtosomeSMtoothers.

Why is it that you are not afraid to say MOM made mistakes, but then "It just all got messed up". It didnt get messed up. YOU acted outrageously. Can you not distinguish acts of child v. acts of the mother?

Have you tried to make amends? Or given that the kids are under your control, you just feel you can do whatever you want. Stereotype of SM

Like I said, it just got all messed up. I did talk to my sd tonight about what happened and about the money situation with the pictures. I told her that I was just trying to show her what a big deal the money was by pointing out the things we could not afford without that money. And I told her that she would not loose all those things as a result of her mothers actions, but we are going to have to watch money a little more carefully.

She said she is just so mad at her mom for not being her for her and her siblings and she doesnt understand how her mom can keep having babies and forget about the ones she already had. I just listened to her and reminded her how much we love her.

KKNY: no, I do not feel that I can do whatever I want because they are in my control. I did allow things to go too far because of anger. Anger has taken everyone to a place they did not want to be at some point in their lives. This was my time. IT was a lesson to be learned and we now know better than to pay for anything in advance for my dh's ex. If she wants something she can handle it. That way we do not have any unneeded stress!

Why is it on "Divorce Rules" that moms arent supposed to talk about money with children, but here it is OK for SMs to? Ima???

The BM brought it up first to her.....not me! So since it was already out there I explained it!

As an adult, I am sure you knew that you should never loan more money than you can afford to lose. In my experience, as long as the child has purchased at least the basic package, for $15 or so, it is possible to buy additional pictures, though perhaps at a higher cost than if they had been ordered initially. You could have ordered the basic package when the check hadn't arrived in time.

Shoulda just hung up on her! Seriously,from now on whenever this lady starts yelling at you just say,"I refuse to talk to you when you act like this" and click!

I WOULD NOT GIVE HER THE PICTURES UNTIL SHE GIVES YOU THE MONEY! That is only fair.If you give in now she will know she can get away with this (as you said she has gotten away with it in the past)

And kkny,I talk about money problems to my own bio-child.They need to know money doesnt grow on trees.Kids are insatiable always wanting something with no concept of money. It's not enough to stress her out,just enough to be a wake up call that mom and dad arent daddy worbucks here.
One hundred and fifty dollars is a dang crime to be spent on pictures.What a ridiculous waste of money.
Maybe mom2emall didnt act as best as she COULD have,but who can blame her? Her brian was probably swirling wondering how they were gonna replace the money!

The issue at this point isnt demanding money for the pictures. I think the right response is you have to speak to DH. But that is all water over the bridge.

"who can blame her" for telling a child no party, no participation in Christmas at school? SM gets mad at mom and takes it out on child. Nice.

plasticgarden,

I posted a message titled "divorce rules" that she's referring to. It's basically saying that parents should not discuss money problems or child support with their children. It was taken out of context as usual and it has more to do with a parent blaming their money problems on the other parent or talking about child support being late or not enough, etc. that makes a kid feel bad about the whole situation. In this case, if you look at my follow up post to the original message, I think she made MANY mistakes in the way she handled it. I understand how she feels, but I don't agree with her actions. It's one thing to say, we can't afford it and saying we can't afford it because your dad isn't giving me enough support and I work two jobs to make ends meet while his new GF sits on her duff eating bon bons and he provides better for her than he does for US.

That is making the child feel bad...

And what are you supposed to say to the child when he or she asks why Daddy goes on a cruise and the child can't even go on a field trip? Or why Mom has to work two jobs and is never home? Or why their friend's family, whose Mom has a similar job, has a much nicer house? It is important to share financial info with the kids - how much you earn, how much child support you receive, how much the mortgage is, how much you spend on groceries, etc.

I told my kids "that's life, it's not always fair"

I guess if daddy loses his job and home and is out on the streets, you'll take him in??? what do you say when the child says "why won't you help daddy, he's homeless?"

Good question, Ima. When bio mom told SD they couldn't afford a summer vacation last year because she has to pay child support, but then went to Hawaii and Vegas with her new husband should my DH have spelled it all out for my SD?

Teaching your kids the value of money, costs of living and budgeting are one thing. Involving them in court ordered child support is another. EOW when SD comes home to say she and mom went shopping because mom needed new shoes while SD had to remember to bring shoes from our house to wear there as she has none . . . . all while mom tells SD she has no extra money because she pays a MEAGER amount of support. I would LOVE to point out the inconsistencies to my SD but I don't. Each time mom takes a week trip and we save for college I would love to make a deal of it, but I don't. As long as she is paying what the court ordered (and we know she lied on the paperwork but whatcha gonna do?)we have no right to say anything about how they live, or how it effects how we live.

and in my home, my kids and SD don't know how much money we have or don't have. It's none of their business. (SD came up to me after we returned from our honeymoon and asked me how much my wedding ring cost? She was 7. I know she had no concept of money and it was her mom telling her to ask.)

Why would I share our finances with the kids EVER? It's one thing to say "we can't afford that" but I'm not telling them how much I have or make. My teenagers were taught to manage their money by using their own money from working with my advice. Sometimes they followed it, sometimes they didn't. They would learn through the consequences if they ran out of money when they wanted something. and all of them have had jobs since they were able to work. (babysitting, newspaper route, etc.) because it was important for me to teach them to be self sufficient.

Funny - my SD asked me the very same question!

I told her it's worth a million dollars.... to me it's really priceless.

I dont think what she said was right,but I can see why she went off the deep end.She's out one hundred and fifty dollars (and even though kkny says it's not about the money,I get the feeling it means alot to mom2emall),and she's got bio-mom and SD screaming at her like maniacs.Who wouldnt possibly say the wrong thing under the circumstances?
She reacted out of anger and frustration.I'm sure she isnt REALLY going to cancel SD's birthday party! However,if she does have to cut back on Sd's band lessons because of this,then it's NOT HER FAULT.
You all know very well,that if the shoe was on the other foot here,and we talking about a man not paying his child support or anything,and then asking for one hundred fifty dollar pictures and not paying for them either,that everyone would be in a complete uproar saying what a jerk he was.

I don't think anyone said that it was ok for the mother not to pay for something that she had promised to pay for.

I have never kept our finances hidden from my children, and when my husband was home he did not either. My parents didn't either - I started doing their taxes for them when I was in my early teens. The children are part of the family, and part of the small business we used to run. Neither my exH or I would have ever considered treating them like mushrooms.

"I guess if daddy loses his job and home and is out on the streets, you'll take him in??? what do you say when the child says "why won't you help daddy, he's homeless?"

Of course I would take him in.

Thanks plastic garden. It was just the stress of the situation. Are we cancelling my sd's birthday--no. Are we going to have to watch our spending? Yes. We are raising 4 kids and get NO cs from my skids mom. My biokids dad pays a little, but honestly it barely covers afterschool care for him. So, this situation was definately about the money. With Christmas and Thanksgiving coming up money is tight anyways, this just stressed us out.

We tried to do the right thing by letting her know about school pictures, since she acted like it was such a huge deal when she was not informed of them last year. And since she never sees them it is not like she can go get pictures taken. And then our kindness kicked us in the butt! Will we ever order anything for her in the future--DEFINATELY NOT!

This is not the first financial problem she has given us. One other example is when her and my dh split years ago they were each awarded the car they drove. They were both newer and had payments. Both of them were in my dh's name, hers she was the co-signer on. She was told by the court to refinance her car, but she had bad credit and was never able to. My dh could not "make" her re-finance. She ended up not making payments and got the car repossessed. My dh was raising the 3 kids on his own without any financial help from her and could not afford to do anything about the situation. So, his credit was affected. This has affected us when we bought our home, when we bought a new car, and so on. She never paid the collection on his credit from it, because she has always cried poor....which I could never figure out becuase she was not raising her kids or anything!

So the situation, combined with a million others from her, just was the straw that broke the camels back.

As for telling her to call my dh, she won't. She only calls me, her boyfriend does not allow her to deal with dh--only me! Thats a whole other situation!

Hi mom2emall - glad I'm not the only one -

I just feel the need to vent, humor me for a moment if you don't mind since I can't do this in real life -

My DH ex did much the same as what you just described, in our situation the vehicle was actually repoed and then, since DH was co-signer, the creditor came after DH. We paid thousands in legal fees and his credit was destroyed for many years.

A year after she left DH she went out and got a credit card in his name and maxed it out buying items for the new house she was living in with her new significant other -only thing that saved him from having to pay that bill was the fact that he had already filed for divorce - his lawyer contacted the attorney general of our state who intervened and forced the creditor to reissue the debt in her name only - all this while she had no regard for how her child was being fed or clothed - before and after I came along she was in and out of his life when it was convenient for her, sometimes we went years and never heard a word from her - honestly that was easier - when she came around my SS was a mess for weeks afterwards.

Once when my SS was in 2nd grade - she called and asked DH if she could pick him up from school the next day - he told her yes foolishly thinking great maybe she's going to start actually taking an interest in her child. The day came and at 5 pm she calls the house asking me if I have SS. What? No you asked if you could pick him up - and her response? Oh, well I forgot I have no idea where he is. School let out at 3 pm - he was 7 years old at this time. In retrospect I guess we should have been grateful she even bothered calling to let us know he was missing -

The biggest thing that gets under my skin about this woman is that for 10 + years now, I & DH have been raising her child without a dime of support from her, yet she has plenty of money to buy cigarettes, to feed her numerous cats & dogs, and to go out drinking - I guess it really does come down to what your priorities are in life.

I have never said one bad word about this woman to my SS or in front of him ever - I have had to leave the room and even the house at times in order not to - and people wonder why I cannot stand the sight of her - why it is a BATTLE to remain civil.

I understand there are plenty of good BM - I try not to lump them all in the same category - I think my SS's BM is an extreme example of one of the worst, when I read your story about the school pictures I laughed out loud. Its exactly something I could picture her doing as well.