My mom was never much of a "keeper". So I was surprised and touched to overhear her talking to my dad when she was on her death bed, saying: "You never thought I was sentimental, hah. But I've kept that Mexican skirt all these years." So now I've got that colorful skirt hanging in my closet, even though I never saw Mom wearing it and I'm not likely to wear it either.

I'll check with my daughter, but my guess is that she'll say 'take a picture of it, write up its story for me, but don't bother keeping the skirt itself.' Which is fine.

BTW, it felt like too much of an intrusion to ask Mom or Dad "why" the skirt was treasured. Some things we just don't want to know about our parents, lol.

It's my belief that an item that represents a family history....has meaning to the descendants of the family. We have the military discharge papers for the men in my husbands family back to the civil war.

I think that's meaningful. History is meaningful.

Perhaps I think this way because I have so little.

Every time I visit my grandma's house, she hands me a stack of post-it's and tells me to mark everything I want, lol. She's been doing this for 10+ years. She's only in her 70's. Our family is fighting (playfully) over the artwork she painted herself. She's very talented.

As for grandchildren, I've found that interest in these types of objects can increase with age. At 18 I wouldn't have wanted any of it but now in my 30's, I do! I have her old china, which I love, and I used it for Thanksgiving one year and two pieces were accidently broken, so I put it away and now I'm not sure what to do with it.

Chi, use the china, go on EBay and look for replacements for the broke pieces. Don't get in a hurry, watch for a while, and look at the sellers rating. Read the listing carefully and zoom in on any pictures. I usually don't bid, I just Buy-It-Now. I don't buy off of Replacements Limited, their prices are very high.

Better broke than unused!

Chi, keep using the china and making new memories with it. If pieces get broken, that's sad, but things do get broken. Better broken, than living shut away in the dark.

ETA: I see Sherry posted similar thoughts while I was typing.

Great minds think alike! I found a lot of my grandmother's china several years ago at a antique/junk store. It had a lot of serving pieces I didn't have. I saw some last year at an estate sale, but I really didn't need anymore.

penny, I think many people share your feelings about such stuff and of course keep what makes you happy. But also very many don't.

chi, my experience has been the opposite of yours. As I myself got older, and as my kids have gotten older (now 20s and early 30s), the desire to "travel light" and discard unneeded "stuff" has grown. As I said before, no one in my generation or younger had any interest in my parents's stuff and my kids, in turn, have no interest in anything I have.

Mine is exactly the opposite. When I use my grandmother's china, I remember her. When I use or look at anything that belonged to them or my parents, it brings back the good memories.

My youngest son got my parents dining room suit. It wasn't anything special, but he commented about how he had ate Thanksgiving Dinner on it for as long as he could remember.

Practicality can be mistaken for sentimentality.

Sometimes in such cases the impetus for the interest is to save money. I'm not saying that's the case for your son but not infrequently people choose to get something for free from a family source to avoid having to spend their own money to buy something similar. Or, when their own money is limited and the choice is have this or have nothing for awhile.

When we went to visit a dear 90 year old family friend, we were surprised to see nearly all the items in her house had a tag affixed to them. She explained that each tag had the name of someone who wanted it upon her death. It kinda bothered us to see her living in an ocean of yellow tags. Like a constant reminder of impending doom.

My MIL put the tags on the back. And yes, she DID change them, depending on which child was "in favor" or "out of favor". Sort of like the way old ladies used to change their wills, only less expensive!

Elmer, NO! NO! NO!They had a table. They got rid of a table to get this one. Just because nothing means anything to you, very few people I know thinks that way.

I really feel very sorry for you. It is a sad way to live.

He is not a teen or a twenty starting out. They are long married and with kids! You are not the expert you think you are!

I've been reading up on Swedish Death Cleaning--it's interesting stuff. Google it. There is strong case for getting rid of stuff so your family/friends don't have to do so. I really, really want to parse my things. I have so much stuff. I am beginning to use what i have. I think I may start using my good china as every day dishes. Why not? Things are meant to be used and enjoyed

But it's NOT a sad way to live!

Good grief - just because a person doesn't WANT all the detritus that flows downward through a family doesn't make them sad. It also doesn't mean their opinion that the STUFF is a hindrance is wrong!

If I won the lottery tonight, I'd walk out of this house tomorrow with my computer, my passport, our lockbox of important papers, my wedding rings, and the clothes on my back. Oh, and my cats. I don't CARE about STUFF. Stuff weighs you down and owns you!

People put WAY too much value on STUFF and NOT enough value on family, friends, and experiences.

"You can't take it with you" doesn't just mean money... Sure - spend all your money, but why spend it on continuing to pay for a too-large house to contain all the STUFF you have; spend it on cleaning supplies to dust/wash all the STUFF; spend it on expensive storage boxes (or, worse yet - an offsite storage unit that one pays a monthly rent on).

Living minimally is so very freeing.

I think there are some widely disparate points of view in this thread. We are a disparate group, with all sorts of differences in family background, etc.

I'm a bit taken aback by those who are insisting (one way or the other) that their point of view is the right one.

I guess you missed when I said "I'm not saying that's the case for your son....."

I know several instances where the kids of several different friends benefited from furniture made available from the timely (in this sense) passing of their grandparents. I also know (because with both cases, it was mentioned in conversation) that the pieces were replaced when the "kids" had enough money to buy stuff they liked better.

Should I pass along a message to them that you think they're sad? Or to my own kids who, like me, have no interest in their parents' stuff? Maybe you should be a bit more tolerant of people whose views or practices differ from yours?

Edit for - I agree with Lucille's comment.

Chloe, why would you take your wedding rings?

Because they're always on my ring finger. :)

Assuming you asked that because they could be considered "stuff" though - right? Trying to "dig" at me for that? Won't work. They're a symbol of my husband's love for me, and if that makes me a materialist, then so be it.

But you could get something better, bigger, smaller, different...No?

Several random thoughts:

- I am part of a family that's never thrown anything away. Yeah, really. We live on a farm that's been in our family since before America was America. I have (and use) cast irony belonged to my grandmother's grandmother. I truly dread the day my mother dies -- and not only for emotional reasons. I, however, am not typical for my family. My mom once said I would throw away tomorrow's newspaper if I could get my hands on it today. It's not that I'm wasteful -- far from it -- but I don't keep stuff just cause so-and-so once owned it.

- If you're stuck with things that you think you SHOULD keep, but you just don't really want them, put them away in a box (especially if you're talking about sentimental things foisted upon you by relatives). In a year or two, you may find yourself in a better mental state to get rid of these things. It's okay to hang onto them a while until you're ready.

- Who's going to want all this stuff? Maybe those young people WILL want it. When she was married last year, my 23-year old daughter registered for everyday dishes ... but she said she saw no point in fancy stuff or much in the way of "entertaining". But when she hosted family Thanksgiving last fall, she begged me to bring a pretty long list of stuff to her house. I think she is starting to feel differently about platters, silverware, etc., etc., etc.

- Some of you were talking about family geneology. Yeah, I see the point in keeping that. Remember, though, today you have the ability to scan this material and store it digitally. I can imagine kids saying, "I don't want the six boxes of records Grandpa amassed," but pretty much any kid would say, "Oh, my family's history on this clearly-labeled flashdrive? Cool."

- You could do the same thing with photographs -- scan them and save them on a flashdrive.

- Baby clothes are hard to get rid of. After my second child was past the baby stage, I knew we were "done" ... but I did wonder about keeping the things we'd had for them as babies. I saved ONE copy paper box for each child -- her going-home outfit, first Christmas dress, a couple dishes and tiny spoons, a favorite blanket, and a few tiny outifts I'd particularly enjoyed. I washed the already-clean items twice (without detergent) and wrapped each item in white tissue paper. Every other year I take them out /run them through the wash again -- I read that's how to keep them in good condition. I'm saving these boxes to give to the girls on the day they tell me they're expecting their first child. I think it's enough to enjoy as a keepsake /not so much that it'll be cumbersome.

- A couple years ago my husband and I put significant effort into making a "Death Notebook" for each of our children. It contains legal documents ... but most importantly, a checklist of things they should do if we were both to die today -- our wishes for burial, notes about returning keys to our employers, how to file for our life insurance, the phone number of the guy who mows our grass, passwords for our accounts, a list of family/friends to call (with phone numbers) -- so many small things; the notebooks took us a year to write, and we go through them every year when we do our taxes /update whatever's appropriate. In the notebook we told the kids they're welcome to keep what they want /dispose of what they don't (no guilt) ... and I included the history of family heirlooms (so they won't wonder which of those rings was Great-Grandma Mary's engagement ring and whether the Wedgewood China was originally the wedding china of Grandma Gertrude or Auntie Dorothy, and the fact that the desk in the living room was bought for $4 at a yard sale and has no family history). Knowing is better than not knowing -- even if you opt to get rid of the item. Finally, the notebooks each contain a bit of cash money, which might come in handy. We agreed that it was easy to put this information together while we're still in good health /were in our late 40s ... but it might not be so easy, if we'd done it in our elderly years while one of us was facing a terminal disease. The kids know these notebooks exist /know they're stored in our safe, but they have not been allowed to read them.

- Yes, you need a will. Okay, whoever dies last really needs a will, but do you know which of you that'll be? When the first spouse dies, it's not so hard: I think in every state, the remaining spouse inherits everything -- assuming you're legally married, of course. And, of course, everything's muddied if a person's been married more than once. When the second spouse dies, though, it's more difficult -- at that point, the marital resources go to the next generation, and that remaining spouse really does need a will -- or those resources will go through probate, slowing the inheritance process and draining resources that could have gone to the heirs. A will can be drawn up for around $300. It's a low price to protect your estate. Personal opinion: If your children are adults, I see no point in trusts -- they cost money, which -- again -- drains resources that could have gone into your children's pockets.

- In addition to your will, it's wise to have your children added to your accounts as POD (payable upon death). Beneficiary trumps will, but ideally all your legal documents would "match", leaving no room for questions after your death.

- Last thought on paperwork -- it's such a blessing for your children to put some thoughts into these things.

- The desire NOT to go into a nursing home is one of my motives in building my own home. I want to design bathrooms, etc. so that they'll be easy to use in our elderly years. Likely, my husband will get the good end of this deal: He's older than I am and is in poorer health, so likely I'll take care of him in his dwindling years. We've saved, and I expect I'll be able to pay someone to do my housework, etc. And I could afford a live-in caretaker. I expect I'll lean on my children in my elderly years, but I won't need to take money from their or expect them to change their own lives to take care of me.

WTH, Pennydesign?

I don't know what you mean...did I upset you in some way?

Honestly baffled.

ETA: Ah...okay. I see you edited your previous response to me to include a little snark. I have no argument with you. I simply was asking a question, just the way it was asked with no inflection whatsoever. I'm sorry you took it the wrong way.

Mrs. Pete, I'm really glad you commented. It was thoughtful and thorough...You're very fortunate in having some wonderful roots. :)

OK - gotcha. And of course I could get new/bigger/different/smaller/better/worse rings, but why should I? lol

Pennydesign the only objection I have in your list is not every state does everything go to the spouse. It used to be that way in this state, Missouri, but now if something like the account I pay my husband's nursing home charges from and his income goes into is in one spouses name only it must be divided so that the spouse receives half and the other half is divided between any children. If the account was joint the other person would receive the whole thing. Some states still have dower rights for spouses and amounts/items above that amount is divided among immediate family. Alabama has/had some of the most interesting rules for spouses inheriting. Your " Beneficiary trumps will" is not something that many understand.

While I have never completed the tax forms for a trust the tax rate for a trust was lowered for 2018 from 39.6% to 37% for trusts over $12,500 which is higher than regular income tax for some brackets. Scroll down the page for rates. http://www.jeffreybarneslaw.com/2018-tax-rates-for-trusts-and-estates/

Over 40 years ago, someone did not want an old set of Limoges china and so they donated it to the auction of a Chicago PBS TV station. I loved old Limoges china because my grandmother had had two or three sets from her family, but they all went to my cousins. So when we saw it on the TV auction, my husband asked if I would like it, bid on it, and won it for me. I have loved that set for 40 years and use it at all the family special occasion holiday meals. So find someone who will love your things, and sell them or give them away.

mailfleur, you don't know about or understand much about living trusts and wills and your brief descriptions yet again, this time concerning trust taxation, are flawed and wrong. Stick to what you know, this area isn't it.

Having a conflict between an account title and the provisions of a will/living trust creates an ambiguity that can lead to problems. It's a screw up best avoided.

The inheritance provisions of the laws of any state are irrelevant when a valid living trust and or will are in place. They exist to provide an asset disposition only when the wishes of the decedent haven't been properly documented.

Everyone with total assets of more than nominal value should have written documents constituting an estate plan in place. It's especially true for a young married couple with children because directions for the care and maintenance of your children can be specified. It's also quite important when married and both spouses are still alive because there can be Medicare/Medicaid consequences for some or tax consequences for others. See a lawyer or, if you can't afford to, get services from a Legal Aid society.

Elmer I linked the site that showed the tax rates for trusts. I have no idea how you think that site is something that I had anything to do with the information on it. Please get off your high horse and stop attacking what others post. As I and others have posted not everyone has assets that ARE MORE THAN NOMINAL VALUE who posts here. Other than the tax rates my last comments were directed at Pennydesign's comment about what a spouse would inherit which differs between states. Apparently you do not know that in some states a spouse or children's rights supersede a will or trusts. Study some before as you keep telling me about posting on what I do not know as your lack of knowledge in some areas is showing.

Sorry but it wasn't me, Maifleur...

(shameless self-preservation)

I have Waterford pieces, some decorative and drinkware, from my mother that I've kept for two years. My one daughter, early 30s, is in grad school and doesn't want it. I offered it to my just married second cousin, early 30s, new homeowner - no thank you.

I don't need/want to sell it or use most of it. I think I'm ready to donate it. I certainly don't want my DD to have to figure it out.

Here's a start - until someone dies, living trusts aren't subject to tax and thereafter, they and testamentary (created by will) trusts rarely are subject to income tax.

maifleur, why do you think a link to trust tax rates provides anyone useful information?

Returning to the original question...I use it and enjoy it! Have decided every day is a special occasion, so I use the good stuff.

My advice about things above nominal value: go to your library, check out a recently published estate planning book, start there. As necessary, see an appropriate real-world (not internet) financial planner, tax advisor, and/or lawyer for your state, your situation. Laws change. What was good and right for your parents, might not be the best course for you or for your kids.

And don't we all agree with hounds_x_two's advice to use the good stuff, every day is a special occasion! Yay!

I agree also with hounds_x_two, I gave away my everyday china years ago and now use the Spode set I love.

Although I would rather see them go directly into the hands of someone who likes such stuff, the thought of my mixed lot of antique china and other doodads ending up in a thrift shop doesn't bother me. Contents of my sewing room however are another matter. It's a lot of fabric and some half completed projects, and it wouldn't bring much if anything at a thrift store. It might wind up in the dumpster. I would much rather see it go directly into the hands of someone who would make use of it or at least enjoy it. And nobody but me is in a position to find that person. So, once again, I think that Marilyn's mother had a good idea. When someone expresses admiration or pleasure at an object, the best way to make sure that that object goes to a loving home is to hand it to that person right then.

Oops. Fast fingers. Meant to add that this would apply to things that I am ready to shed. Nobody gets my fabric till I can't possibly use it anymore LOL. And I think the same applies to other things for other people. The accusations that one's parents are being selfish, manipulative, controlling, etc for not ditching their beloved belongings at their children's demand is shocking to me.

PennyDesign sorry but I thought it was you that I was replying to I see that it was Mrs Pete. Above my post someone posted that a spouse inherited everything when the other spouse died. I see that post is no longer here this morning.

nickle is correct about going to the library for a recent book and looking as a start. Will provide a basis to ask any attorney/financial planner questions. If you use the internet for research please use the name of your state in asking any questions as each state may have laws that are different.

Thanks to this discussion I have found a couple of questions that I need to ask when I see them later this month.

What have people done with garden pots that they no longer want and perhaps are not pristine condition?

This thread and similar ones like it that appear in this forum from time to time, when relating to technical subjects, demonstrate the fallacy for people doing key word internet searches. Too many think that what they've found provides them with 1) an understanding, or even 2) correct information. Technical subject areas of any kind require years of study and experience to understand and apply. Finding a word match, which sometimes can link to a term of art with other than its normal meaning, doesn't lead to knowledge or understanding.

If you have assets that you wish to pass along to family members, get help and advice from an expert. That usually means a lawyer including those providing free or low cost legal services. Not from the library and especially not from unqualified people lacking professional credentials and experience who pretend to understand something that they don't.

maifleur, I'd put the pots out by the curb with a "free" sign. If they're not gone by garbage day, the garbage men can take them.

Elmer, reading your post carefully, I think we agree :-)

Here they have to be in a plastic bag for the garbage men to take. So far no one has taken any.

If your high school has a Horticultural or agricultural program, maybe they can use those flowerpots. Botanic Gardens, Community Gardens, Etc often have their own plant sales in the spring and fall, and they can use pots to start plants. List the pots on Freecycle or in the free section of Craigslist.

For people who are concerned about their items not being appreciated at a thrift store, I live in a rather crummy area of the country and even our Good Wills and Salvation Armies have appraisers who come in and volunteer on all sorts of things from furniture to jewelry. If you are curious, go on into a few thrift stores in your area and see if they have a "boutique" area or a lot of glass counters to display items away from hands, or cordoned off shelves near the register. You might be surprised at what they have on display... Be careful not to find any new treasures though.

For those of you who enjoy your stuff, KEEP IT! Enjoy it and love it. That's the whole point. I talked about my Dad having items that we knew he loved because he had so few and was obviously choosy, but one thing I didn't mention was the stuff that he kept in excess that could not have provided much value to him or anyone else. We hauled off so many old magazines, household chemicals and products that were so old that they had gone bad, old paperwork that he didn't need to keep, cardboard boxes, old broken tools, etc. For those not interested in getting rid of sentimental items, at least do your family members a favor and organize/toss the type of stuff mentioned above. I'm constantly surprised at how much outdated stuff I find in my own house (this morning a box of old paint cans- it was good when it was put away a few years ago, now not so much). It can be hard to see even when it is right in front of your eyes.

Interesting thought about designating items to people in your will. My father was not a person who had much of $$ value, but he had listed a few items in his will to go to certain people. They were things that obviously meant a lot to him, but when the executor tried to hand those items over to people, nobody wanted any of the listed items. That left the executor a little bent out of shape because he felt Dad's will wasn't being honored. That's a double edged blade as well. Then also consider that Dad did not designate even one item specifically for me... my feelings aren't too badly hurt, but for some people designations could be very devastating.

A little o/t but Anglo’s post about MIL changing tags as relatives fell in or out of favor reminded me of this. Maternal granny would constantly approach the needier or lazier family members to do things for her, in exchange for bequeathments. Problem is, the tagging changed as often as her moods and in the end it created incredible riffs among family members. She’s been gone close to 20+ years and I still hear about relatives bitter about this or that doodad. My mom and I always stayed clear of these manipulations.

I guess I can call myself lucky because both my daughters want things of mine and their grandmothers. I got out all my glassware a few years ago and had the girls come and go thru it. They were so excited. They both talked about what their grandmothers made in certain dishes. When we cleaned out my mom’s house I bought her China. A niece would have liked to have it but I knew she would just sell it. My mom, oldest sister and I purchased a huge set when my brother-in-law was in Korea. That has been 50 years ago. Each of my daughters now have them. Every once in awhile they see something and tell me they would like it when i’m gone.. Most times I just give it to them. It is wonderful seeing the girls use the dishes when we have dinners.

I had a cookbook that was put out by women that worked in a small factory that my mom worked. It was one of their favorite cookbooks to barrow. Our oldest daughter wrote her name on the inside to make sure she ended up with it. When we were going thru my mother-in-laws home she had 3 copies. She worked there, too. Each girl now has a copy. It is there to go cookbook.

I still have a lot to get rid of but I really don’t care what they do with it. I know they have what they want. I plan on going thru things and see if my granddaughter’s would like things. If no, that is ok..

i remember years ago I went to a bridal shower for one of my nieces. A lady from their church had gone to a garage sale of her grandmas. She had purchased a glass plate of the grandmas, wrapped it and gave it to her along with a shower gift. It meant so much to the niece because Grandma had been gone for a long time. We all choked up!! I may set aside a few dishes for my daughters to do this for my granddaughter. I may very well be gone by the time they marry..

This storage place is 300k sq ft x 4 stories. Right across the freeway there is very large, very fancy Goodwill resale store. Also nearby is a huge lot packed with boats and campers that are eternally parked there and seldom used. Speaking about my neck of the woods, there are so many unwanted “sentimental” goods stored, it is beyond mind boggling.

we have very modest communities where houses average $45-75k. When these people offer their extras in garage sales, it’s undeniable that there’s too much STUFF around.

Natesg... my grandfather had at least seven buildings like that except they were not stacked that neatly. Myrelatives spent a lot of time going through that stuff. Some was given away, some was donated and some was burned. I think some was Ebayed too. I have some afghans my grandma quilted and that it it.

Changing the will not have been a threat that worked at some time, but these days I think you can take it with a grain of salt. End-of-life care is likely to eat up the estate.

End of life care may eat up the estate but at least since the Spousal Impoverishment rules went into effect the person not in a nursing home gets to have enough to live on. Once they are gone what you say may be true but I would rather things be used for the care of the person rather than to pass something on.

Everyone should read and keep current on the Spousal Impoverishment rules if there is a chance that you or a loved one would need Medicaid to cover expenses as it changes some each year. https://www.medicaid.gov/medicaid/eligibility/downloads/spousal-impoverishment/ssi-and-spousal-impoverishment-standards.pdf