In his defense, I think you say he runs his own business? I do too and sometimes, stuff does just come up. It's great to be self employed because you're the boss and can turn down work and take time off when you want or need, but then your income suffers too. It can be very stressful.

It would be a good idea for the two of you to talk about this if you haven't already. Have you had pre marital counseling?

and what I think it means to support you, is that if you are responsible for STBSS when your STBDH is not there, your STBDH should be supportive of your role in his life. The two of you should have rules and consequences and when you have STBSS with you and enforce the rules/consequences, that STBDH supports that and STBSS isn't getting his dad to take sides against you. If you say no to something and then STBSS complains about it to STBDH and you are overruled, then it destroys any authority you might have. Then, STBSS will not respect you at all, he will run to dad every time he doesn't like your answer (and they do this with their bio mom & bio dad too... it's not just a step parent issue) and expect to get a different answer. If STBDH gives in at first but later, after you complain about it, he starts being more firm (which he should do from the get go) then STBSS will think the only reason his dad is saying no is because of you. It's a catch 22 and he'll use guilt or other tactics to get dad to take his side. It can get vicious.

You and STBDH have to be on the same page and agree BEFORE on what is acceptable or unacceptable. If you disagree, don't do it in front of the kids, you must present a UNITED FRONT. (of course, he will still play this game with his mom and dad, but the best situation is when mom, dad, and all step parents involved~ and sometimes grandparents, are all on the same page and communicating together. Then he'll realize that he can't manipulate anyone to get his way.)

im also thinking that since it really irritates you, and you cant change your husband to be because he is who he is and doesnt see the same priority as you, then maybe changing custody to EOW and blocks of time for vacations would be a better option for your home. The stress of having joint physical , with the school thirty miles away would make my hair hurt.

I think that is a good suggestion, or maybe even every weekend. Dad would get as much quality time with child (I assume his shop is open less hours on Sunday) and less stress for all. I have always said it is good for everyone to try ot schedule visitation/custody so dad is home as much as possible.

What would he be doing with his son if you were not in the picture? Would he be spending less time at work and more time with his child, or would his exW have primary custody?

I think kathline is absolutely right. The point of 50/50 custody is to maximize the time both parents spend with the child(ren), and that isn't happening here.

What would he have done had you said that you didn't feel it was safe for you to try to supervise three six year olds at the pool (I wouldn't be comfortable with that either)? Would he have come to the pool with his son?

I thought you were a kindergarten teacher...how would watching 3 6 year olds be too much for you to handle?

Anyways I can tell your so frustrated with the situation and resent when your dh "makes" you watch his son. And you do not like his job. If you had to do things for work and he had to watch your dd do you think he would have as much anger and resentment about it? Doesn't his income help to support you and your dd?

My opinion is that you knew about his son and his business before you made a committment to him. Now you are resenting both the child and the business because it is too much for you to handle. Just end the relationship. You seem miserable and if you can not deal with these things then he probably is not mr. right for you.

In my situation I accepted the fact that my dh had full-time custody of 3 children. I accepted the fact that sometimes his shift may change and that he will not have weekends off often. I accepted the fact that many times I would be home with 4 children to take care of by myself at night, including dinner and homework.

But on the flip side he accepted that I have full custody of my son. When we were dating and he worked midnights he watched my son when my son was sick and could not go to school quite a few times and got little sleep before he went to work. When my son was on breaks from school he watched him while I worked and again went with little sleep. When my car slid in a ditch one day and I was an hour away from home and he was on his way to work he called off work to come take care of me and the car. When I had a death in my family last year he took off work to stay home with the kids while I flew out of state with relatives for 3 days to attend services. When my son had an accident and I had to bring him to the hospital my dh brought his children to a relatives home, called off work, and came to stay with me and my son in the hospital. And the list could go on and on.

Marriage is full of comprimises. While you may not like everything you have to do (or it may not be the most convenient thing to do) you end up doing it to help out the one you love.

I am not trying to be mean, and I feel that posts often come across mean when they are not meant to be. But my point is that if the comprimises you have to make for you fiancee are too much then maybe this is not a marriage you should get into.

I think 3 6 year olds at a pool is different than 3 in the backyard, especially different sexes (harder to coordinate bathroom use) and when you are used to one.

I agree about comments re his income. If I were in his shoes, I might resent if FDW couldnt help out.

Exactly. Lovehadley is a kindergarten teacher, not a certified lifeguard (as far as I know) - and even then, three six year olds who are probably not all proficient swimmers are a lot to keep track off unless you have eyes in the back of your head.

I understand she is not a lifeguard. I just meant that being a kindergarten teacher she was responsible for watching anywhere from 15-25 5-6 yr olds at a time by herself. So being at a pool with 3 should not be that outrageous.

"how would watching 3 6 year olds be too much for you to handle?"

It was exactly the pool/water issue. The pool we belong to is a big rec complex with three different pools, 3 water slides, a lazy river, etc. So it's not as simple as watching 3 6 year old's at, say, my mom's pool. It's a lot easier for them to get lost/run off at the complex we go to.

I think my main issue with watching STBSS is that I cannot get him to listen to me. It is really a challenge. I know, I know, I'm a teacher, I should be able to make him listen. That's what my fiance says--how do you manage a classrom when you cannot handle him?

Well, honestly, I have never had as challenging a child as him. Granted, I only taught for 4 years. I'm sure I would have come across much worse if I had stayed in it longer. If I go back to teaching, I'm sure that I will.

The main problem is that there is a great deal of emotion when it comes to my interaction with STBSS, and he knows it. The first thing you learn in a classroom is not to let emotion get in the way of doing what you need to do. But STBSS pushes buttons, and, in fairness to him, I let him.

It's hard for me to know what to do. It took us 20 minutes to leave the pool because he was jumping up and down screaming--because he didn't want to leave. I had given all 3 kids fair warning, I said they could each do the slide 3 more times and then it would be time to go. The girls followed that instruction and started getting ready--shoes, coverups, etc. STBSS continued running through the water slide pool, when I finally got him to put shoes on, he stood for a minute, then kicked them off and went running back to the slide and did it again.

It is hard for me to take control of situations like that. I had to go get him and CARRY him, kicking and screaming, back out.

Fiance did have a "talk" with him when he got home, but that's all he ever does--TALK.

I did know going into this that my fiance has a child, but before we lived together, he used to be more responsible for his care.

I just stopped working--but our plan was for me to continue to contribute $1000/month out of some leftover education money I have.

I also do all the housework, grocery shopping, etc. So while I do agree that I am partially responsible for watching STBSS, I don't feel it should become a situation that destroys my sanity. A child that is behaviorally unmanageable right now would be a challenge for anyone.

It is NOT just me. STBSS truly does have behavioral issues and everyone from his old school to his current teacher to me to his mom and dad are affected by it.

I think that is a large part of my issue.

I could be a prison corrections officer, and I still wouldn't take three 6 y.o. children to a water park of that size. His behavior leaving the park isn't all that uncommon for a child his age. Granted, it's embarrassing and frustrating for you but he's also testing you. In that situation, I would've hauled him out just as you did.

I was in your shoes two years ago after I first married my DH. He had custody of his son at that time. It seemed that my DH thought he no longer had to parent his own child once we were all together under one roof. I was close to insanity until I learned how to put the primary responsibility of parenting DH's son back in my DH's realm where it belonged. Do some research on disengaging.

However, if you don't think you can handle it now, then it probably is in your best interest to get out now since things tend to get worse before they get better.

I agree with Kathline.......change the custody agreement to EOW or EW. There is no need to have 50/50 custody if he's leaving you with his son most of that time. I believe it will lessen the stress of the long trips and maybe even make mom easier to deal with.

My X and I have EOW custody with me being the CP. It works well for us because X works varying hours and wouldn't be able to spend the extra time with DS anyway. Anytime we've ever talked about it, it has been said that his GF would be picking DS up from me (or daycare or whatever) and would be taking him to daycare (or school or whatever). So it doesn't maximize his time with DS to have GF bear more of a burden. He may as well be with me since I'm used to doing it anyway and it doesn't cause any extra stress on anyone. X gets more "quality" and continuous time with DS that way (sometimes even more than I get in a week).

"I agree with Kathline.......change the custody agreement to EOW or EW."

I completely agree that this would be a positive change for our family AND, especially for fiance's relationship with his son. It would provide him with more quality time and less stress for STBSS. My fiance himself even mentioned it a few weeks ago--he said if he did not win the school district issue, that perhaps he would have to switch to EOW.

But I mentioned it myself a few nights ago and he flipped out and said it was not my decision to make, and that he never wanted to hear me mention it again.

I have to agree, I see his point. I felt kind of "slimy" even saying it, because--while I do think it would be BETTER in the long-run--this child is not my child, and I shouldn't presume to dictate to his father what his schedule should be. Plus, his dad WANTS to be involved in his school days, too, he wants to help with homework and all that, and I don't think he truly would be happy being a "weekend dad."

If he did do that, I would feel like I was forcing my fiance to "give up" his son and NOTHING feels right about that to me, at all.

I would probably be a lot happier if STBSS were with us EOW, but I feel like me even mentioning it again would be an ultimatum for my fiance. And I would NEVER GIVE him an ultimatum that involves his own child.

It is a really sh*tty situation because I do love my fiance. He is my best friend. But so much has gone on, that I don't feel I love him "enough" to put up with so much stress on our relationship.

"So it doesn't maximize his time with DS to have GF bear more of a burden."

While this might be true, I kinda disagree. My DH had 50/50 and he worked until 5:30, then had 45-60 min drive home. His DD would go to daycare or her mom's (after the daycare closed) after school until he got off work. He then picked her up, adding 30 minutes or more (because BM never had her ready and would keep him there to talk) so he was getting home with his DD at 7:30-8:00. Her bedtime is 8:30 so we'd have to rush through dinner and get her ready for bed and she'd get to bed later because it was never enough time and he hated to rush through it.

When I started picking her up from school for him, he no longer had to pay for his ex to babysit (personally, I think that was why she was against it) so it saved him money, even though he filled my gas tank once a week for it. I'd have her home by 3:45-4. She had time to get her homework done and play outside, watch TV or spend time with me helping fix dinner or running errands. DH got home from work by 6:30 and was able to spend more time at home with her than before. Those few hours at home, also gave me and her a time to spend together and build a relationship.

Her mom made the same argument in court that my picking up her DD on his weeks was not giving him more time with her dad and that she should have full custody and he should get every other weekend so he'd have more quality time because he doesn't work on weekends. I testified that I enjoy the time after school with her, while her dad is at work, so I can build my own relationship with her and that since her dad no longer has to take extra time after work to pick her up, he's home earlier when she's here and it does give him more time with her. She was also here every other weekend already because that was part of his week. He'd have her a full week, including weekends. The judge agreed that the way we were doing it was the best thing for his daughter and told BM that she should be happy her daughter has an involved and caring stepmom, that her daughter was lucky to have me. The judge complimented me for taking an active role in her life and said lots of nice things about me, which infuriated BM.

Now, I'm not knocking those that are fine with giving NCP EOW, in fact, BM now has weekends with her DD and we have custody during the week because she lives to far to have 50/50, but I can't say she has more 'quality' time with her DD. I think that 'quality' time is what you make it. My SD has come home from a weekend with her mom and told DH that she spent the majority of time at her mom's BF's parents house or watching movies and playing video games in her room. I don't consider that 'quality' time with mom. There is more 'quality' time in sitting down to dinner as a family and doing a nightly bedtime routine, even though it's not as much time. A big block of time does NOT guarantee it's 'quality'. So, it's a little disheartening to hear everyone suggest giving up 50/50 in favor of EOW with the 'quality' time reasoning.

lovehadley,

You need to do what YOU want to do. Your fiance needs to step up and make decisions that are good for YOU when it comes to his son. Just talking to him isn't enough if it isn't working. Picking him up, just to drop him off with you, and not providing any support for you, is not working. From the tone of your posts, it sounds like either you are not communicating your feelings well enough to him or he is not listening. He isn't taking you seriously and like the person that is dealing with the passport issue on the other thread, if you set up precedent that he's going to take you for granted, it then becomes very hard to go back and change that. Have you even suggested to him that you might be calling off the wedding? If so, what is his reaction?

This isn't really about how often you have this little boy at your house, this is about your relationship with your fiance and his respect for you. If anything were to happen to the mom (and my SD's mom just up and moved away without telling us and left SD with us), your SS could be with you all the time... it's always a possibility, anything can happen. This issue needs to be resolved between you and your fiance and he needs to realize that he needs to be supportive of you, and stop taking you for granted. If he doesn't 'get it', then it probably is best to get out before you have legal ties. I know the emotional ties are hard to break, especially when your child is so attached, but you have do decide what is better in the long run.

Ima, the difference between your situation, and hadleys is that hadley is feeling resentful and angry about the fact that her stbh is never there, and the responsibility for the child is all on her. He isnt listening and he isnt willing to change things so that he takes over care of his own child. SHe is already stressed out , and doesnt want to have the child while dad is at work for long stretches.

Which is why I suggested that EOW may work better for them. That way Hadley doesnt become a reluctant babysitter, while her STBH is constantly at work. Surely Dad will be able to find time every second weekend to be with his own son, thus relieving Hadley of a responsibility she doesnt want.

I can only see more and more resentment in the future for Hadley unless something changes. ADD kids arent easy at the best of times. Her husband to be probably wont change. He doesnt see anything wrong with what he is doing. So, that leaves the option of the wedding being called off, because Hadley cant take it anymore, or the child being with them less, to minimize the stress.

I certainly agree that Hadley should postpone the wedding until she figures out what she really wants. REmember, you cant change people, only your reaction to them. Marrying someone , thinking they are going to change, is an exercise in frustration

Kathline, I don't disagree with that. But, it's not lovehadley's decision to change anything to do with the visitation/custody. That is what I am telling her, it's all on the father to:

1) Be supportive of her if he expects her to take care of his son while he's at work. He can't have expectations of her and be critical when she tries to tell him that she's overwhelmed. If he isn't going to be supportive of her, he needs to make other arrangements. If that means changing his time with his son, then that's on him to do.

2) Discipline his son and deal with the behavioral problems or find another care provider so she isn't feeling abused by the kid. It's dad's job on his watch, to make sure his kid behaves for whoever is watching him and a 'babysitter' would quit if the kid had no discipline. It's on dad to deal with his son's behavioral problems, whether it's at home with lovehadley or at his school or his daycare... it's dad's job and he's not doing it.

I'm in no way suggesting that her situation is similar to mine, however everyone is throwing around the phrase 'quality time' and that's a lot of BS because a kid doesn't know what 'quality time' is until the parents start telling them they aren't getting it with the other parent unless they are 'spending time together' and 'having fun'. When I was a kid, I used to follow my dad around while he worked on tractors and worked around the property. He wasn't 'interacting' with me, but it was still something I wouldn't trade for the world. Now, my SD can spend the whole day with her dad, while he works on the car or fixes things outside, or even watching movies together and at the end of the day, she'll whine "but you didn't spend any time with me" Because her mom has convinced her that she has to have 'quality time' with him. (she actually told her counselor that) She thinks it's only quality time if it's strictly him and her, playing a board game together.

Have you considered getting your job back? It would give you financial independence, intellectual challenge and a circle of colleagues to share your days with.

I recall from your earlier posts that you put yourself through college while your daughter was a toddler. That's very impressive. You must have had dreams and ambitions at that time. You shouldn't let go of your dreams.

"So, that leaves the option of the wedding being called off, because Hadley cant take it anymore, or the child being with them less, to minimize the stress."

The option of having the child less to minimize stress will only work if it actually happens that way. My DH had 50/50 and without warning, BM moved hours away and told us AFTER she moved. She had no intention of taking her DD with her and that left us with full custody, not what we expected to happen. Sure, lovehadley's fiance can get EOW now, but what would happen if BM got arrested and was in jail? What if BM were to become injured to a point where she could not care for her children? What would happen if BM were to die? What would happen if BM wakes up one morning and doesn't want to be a mommy anymore? Stuff happens and you can't always predict the future, so it's just my opinion that cutting visitation down to EOW without addressing the underlying problem is the same as sticking your head in the sand and hoping it gets better. Having the child there less would be much easier but until dad addresses the problems his son has, it won't get better and he's doing his son a disservice.

"I could be a prison corrections officer..."
LOL - My FSS's BM is a prison corrections officer!

Anyhow, LH, other posters have said it too, but your FDH is taking advantage of you and preventing you from being a respected member of your family.
When I read your posts, it sounds to me like your fiance finds it inconvenient to listen to your needs. From everything you've said, it sounds like he loves you, but that he doesn't particularly respect that you and he are equals in your relationship, so your needs require just as much attention and respect as his.
You NEED to be treated as an equal and he should be making an effort to do that.
If his son won't behave for you, then FDH should be making arrangements that you don't have to care for him when FHD is unavailable (and the hypothetical flipside too - if your daughter refused to listen to him, you would have to make arrangements for her to be cared for when you were unavailable). You two should be on the same page for both kids, and that needs to be PLANNED - talked about when the kids are asleep or at school or something, and then adhered to by both of you.
I am generally opposed to ultimatums in relationships, and I agree that you should not give him one about the time his son spends with him, BUT you may need to give him one about the level of respect you're receiving (which is presently somewhere near zero).

The way things are now, I'm all for postponing your wedding. You deserve respect and shouldn't marry someone who deprives you of that.

Support...

Does he appreaciate what you do for him?
Or
Does he expect you do to do it?

You have to drive all over the place "for him" interupted your day!!

Would he have done it for you??

You are resenting the kid because how his father behaves ... take it up with him not the kid.

Afraid to tell him NO?

Able to tell him NO?

It is not my opinion that changing to EOW (or 1st, 3rd and 5th) is "having the child less". As a matter of fact, some months during the year, I actually have less time with my DS than his dad. For instance, he has 1st, 3rd and 5th weekends. May had 5 Fridays. So he got DS the last weekend in May and the 1st weekend in June (back-to-back weekends). Then the 2nd weekend (usually my weekend) was Father's Day, so he got that weekend also. And then we are at the 3rd weekend in June which is also his weekend. So he got DS for 4 weekends in a row from Friday (he picks him up at daycare) to Monday (he drops him off at daycare in the mornings). I got him a total of 16 evenings during that time. Who had more quality time? X did. Because he had 2-1/2 days with DS every week while I had 3 hours a night (from 6 PM when I picked him up from daycare to 9 PM which is his bedtime). Not to mention all the things we had to do in those 3 hours. All I was saying was that, on the weekends, X gets more continuous time to devote to DS than I do. Now I get to have DS during the week, but X gets to see him at sporting events and such during the week so he never goes the whole 2 weeks without seeing him. He's involved with school as well. My time during the week is not completely devoted to DS as we have to cook and clean and do homework and go to bed early and all those daily chore things that need to be done. I am not complaining at all and I wouldn't change my arrangements at all.

Also, in our situation, X's GF does not get off work earlier than X or myself. Sometimes she gets off work later. I'm glad, Ima, that you are able to help DH the way that you did. If X's GF was in a different position, I'd be happy that she could help him, too.

Here is my take on OP's situation: STBDH basically feels like since he's letting her stay home and not work that he's paying for her to babysit. And that he can treat her this way because he's allowing her to stay home. Am I correct? The problem is that she's not a babysitter. She is going to be his stepmom. He would probably treat a babysitter with more respect.

"I recall from your earlier posts that you put yourself through college while your daughter was a toddler. That's very impressive."

Thanks, stepmom. Unfortunately, I cannot really take full credit. I am very blessed to have a really supportive family-parents who were willing to do anything to help me reach a goal of being independent as a single mother. I got pg with my DD very unexpectedly/accidentally my sophomore year. I was lucky that my mom was supportive from the start. My dad (they are divorced) took about a week to "get over it" but then he was supportive, as well.

My grandparents had set up educ. trusts for all 7 grandkids when we were very young. My mom was the trustee at the time and she let me take $ from that to use as a down payment on a condo. I was able to live there with my DD, and pay the mortgage from the fund, as well as take out an amount for "extra money. Rather than paying rent, I was building equity in the condo and actually made a nice little profit when I sold it.

My dad paid all the utilities, AND my DD's daycare while I was in school. So I did not have to work at all.

I was also able to take 8 months off from school when she was a baby, as well. She was born in May (haha, I actually took my Art History exam while I was in labor! I didn't realize those cramps were early labor at the time!) Anyway, I didn't return to school until the following January.

I am SO grateful for all the help from my parents/grandparents. I don't know if I could have done it otherwise. I truly, truly admire single mamas who hold down jobs AND go to school AND take care of their kiddos.

I have a friend who has two boys with her ex--and he is just a total loser. Does drugs, can't hold a job, lives with mom half the time because he is forever being evicted....

And STILL he has his boys every other Sat/Sun.

My friend is starting MED SCHOOL in the fall. She started out at a community college, then got a scholarship to finish at a 4 year university...and now she's gotten grants, etc. for med school. 4 years ago, when she was just starting out at comm. college, she said she was going to be a pediatrician. And mark my words--she will be.

She waitresses almost every single night to make ends meet b/c her child support for two kids is JACK.

She has NO family in town, no one to help her at all. And her loser ex doesn't even come to get the kids half the time.

I really, really admire her beyond words.

"STBDH basically feels like since he's letting her stay home and not work that he's paying for her to babysit."

I wanted to reply to this.

I worked FULL time teaching up until this past May. We JUST made the decision for me to stay home.

Even when I WAS working full-time, I was STILL responsible for my STBSS quite a bit. I still watched him all day every other Saturday. I still picked him up from school 2 days one week, 3 the next and brought him home and cared for him until my fiance could get home.

My point is that my fiance still expected me to be primarily responsible for STBSS even when I was working full-time, as well.

But now that we made the choice that I am not going back in August, he is using that as a reason for me watching STBSS. In reality, I will not be watching him any MORE (or any less) than I was when I was working.

Does that make sense?

I will say the difference in a supportive husband and one that just expects you to do things is this....Example:

I keep the girls alot. I mean ALOT ALOT because daddy works two jobs. Daddy has to work multiple jobs because Mommy doesn't contribute a cent. I watch the girls and I don't mind mainly because when J is home I don't lift a finger. He cooks for us almost every night before he is off to his second job, in the morning he runs clothes down to the laundry so I don't have to when I get home, he picks up around the house after the girls are off to the sitter, he packs me lunches every night and he tends to the girls COMPLETELY when he is home. Every FREE minute he has he spends helping me out or playing with the girls. He also says "thank you" and "I love you" at least a billion times a day.

He has also been more supportive than normal now that I am pregnant and is trying really hard to find a better paying job so he can be home more so once the baby is here I'll have help. I don't feel bitter about the situation at all because he really appreciates everything I do and his actions along with the way he treats me reflects that. It also helps that the girls are my family and we all get along as such. When their dad leaves they tell him "Don't worry daddy, we'll keep cupcake company" because they know I'm always bummed when he's off to the second job and they also know he worries about me. They "look after ME" not vice versa:)

If you feel undervalued...you probably are. Resentment breads fast when you feel you never get to see you husband and on top of that you're raising his kids and feel it isn't appreciated like it should be. It turns into bitterness towards the child which is NEVER a good thing. If you need to hold off for a little while on the wedding it won't be the end of the world. It's better you guys start out on the right foot and have a solid foundation to build on. Second marriages are tuff to start with so give yourselves every benefit possible to beat the odds.

RE: 50/50 custody - "But I mentioned it myself a few nights ago and he flipped out and said it was not my decision to make, and that he never wanted to hear me mention it again."

Since he's that adamant that it's not your choice about his son's C&V schedule, what choice has he given you regarding his child's care? Did he ever sit down with you and say, "Would you like to parent my son FOR ME 24/7?"

lovehadley,

I am sure that it is different "handling" kids in a class compared to outside of class. I think all of my kids, at the age of six, would have been more likely to react like your fiance's son did than like your daughter and her friend, when told they had to leave such a cool recreational facility. I'm not sure that I'd find it easy to leave, even at my current age.

I would think it would be relatively easy to figure out alternative ways that would maximize the total number of waking hours spent with both parents, while making sure that the hours spent with each were approximately equal (well, maybe not easy, since it sounds like a problem in linear programming, but certainly doable).

I agree with IfIknewthen. Did he ask you if you would be his sitter for his son that he has 50/50 custody of? I know this soounds harsh, but just because you live at his house doesn't make you his daycare. I'm sure that the things you've done in the past and the things you do now are all because you love this man, want to make his life easier and want to have a good relationship with his child. The problem I see is that he is taking you for granted and you're not even married yet. Really, you have no obligation to his child. You probably feel you do since he does so much for your DD. B

But look back at some of Pseudo's posts and the responses. She was constantly being berated and treated badly by her SD and no one was backing her up. She was doing all she can and never got anything but blame and hatefulness. So she eventually had to back out of her SD's life almost totally. Ima has had to do almost the same with her SD.

It's not up to you to enable STBDH's need for 50/50 custody. I guess what I'm trying to say is that he shouldn't be pushing for 50/50 custody assuming you will be his son's daycare. He should make sure he has the arrangements made with either you or a facility before he says that 50/50 is his right and you have no say-so. Does that make sense? And, yes, the decision does involve you since you will be the primary care-giver in this situation. And I believe you should mention that to him. And does he think he can just go making decisions that turn the whole home upside down just because he wants something and not ask the person he asked to be his partner in life? Guess I'm gonna get some crap for that one, but I don't care. The whole idea is to have happy homes for the children to be. If one person forces their spouse into going along, how is that going to be a happy home? It will be a resentful home.

I think Ashley summed things up very well here.
You're not being respected in this relationship.
You do have a say, because this affects you. If he can change the situation so that you aren't the primary caregiver and are not responsible for STBSS, then I can see that he could semi-reasonably think you have no say.
You matter.

I am reading these posts and a thought occurred to me. Me and DH each entered the marriage with one child that we had full-custody of. We have just always done things for both the children no matter whose child it is. If one of us has to work late it would be unheard of for the other one to be expected to get childcare instead of leaving the child home with eachother. If something comes up with one of the kids either one of us can handle it. I would not make plans to take only my child to the pool and expect him to come with if his child was going as well. I guess we just have a household where both children are treated as ours instead of yours and mine.

I think that is because we have set up a fair household. We expect the same things from both our children and enforce the same rules for them both. If they threw a fit like your ss did and it was not the first time they would not just get talked to. There would be consequences like loss of computer time, tv time, or something similar.

If your relationship is to ever work you and future husband need to sit down and talk about all these issues and get them resolved. I am assuming he never refused to do things for your dd since you mentioned he treats her as his own. So maybe tell him you would not mind being responsible for his son if he enforced some rules about behavior. If his son sees you are both on the same page on your expectations and he sees consequences for his actions maybe he will change the way he acts. I think your resentful about watching him because he is such a handful. If he was easygoing and behaved well would you mind watching him as much?

"Ima has had to do almost the same with her SD."

The big difference in my situation is that my husband supports me 150%, while I don't think pseudo's husband has been very supportive and she's been put in the position (much like lovehadley) where she's expected to do for her SC. The current problem with my SD, basically began when she went to her mom's at the beginning of summer and only visits us on the weekends. Her dad is home on the weekends so she has an "I don't need Ima attitude". She has been coming here and basically ignores me unless she wants me to give her something. I refuse to be treated that way by her.. I'm not here just to give her what she wants, while she gives me dirty looks or attitude when she doesn't need anything. My husband is home on the weekends, he can do everything for her and I have just disengaged and let her go to him (and he tells her no more than I do, so that's why she'll ask me... when she knows he'd say no)

But, I can say that if I didn't have a supportive husband, I could totally see things ending up just as bad or worse than pseudo's situation. In two weeks, SD will be back here to start school and within a couple of weeks, she should be back to normal with me. I have vented on here because it is hard for me when I have done so much for her when her mom left and then she casts me (and my feelings) aside to please her mom. But, that is her mom and I am just the step mom. So, I knew that when I signed up. Thank Goodness for my wonderful husband!!!

I dont know anyone who has a "normal" dinner at 5:30 or even 6. Especially anyone who can afford a SAHM, dinner for the adults is later. At the risk of getting flamed, if you are going to be a SAHM, I think you have to accept the childcare duties. If it isnt working out, it isnt working out. My guess, Dad really cant get home early, and responds to requests by painting an unrealistically optimistic picture.

Helpwiththis, you make a good point that both should partners should be caring for one another's children... Ideally, that's how it should be.
But I think LH's situation is complicated by that her fiance expects her to provide care for his son, although he doesn't expect his son to respect her.

I love A__ (my FDH's son) very much. I really enjoy spending time with him, just the two of us, because he listens to me and is generally respectful. If he acted like a little sh17ball every time I was looking after him, and his dad wouldn't do anything about it, I wouldn't take him on my own anymore.
So, if A__ was dreadful when he was with me, there would be two solutions:
FDH would step up and deal with that A__ wouldn't behave himself for me (aka, support me).
I wouldn't provide care for A__ unless his dad was there too (aka disengage).

I think LH's fiance has chosen to not support her, so that leaves disengaging.

"My guess, Dad really cant get home early, and responds to requests by painting an unrealistically optimistic picture."

I think KK's guess might be right. I also thought to myself "I bet he knew he couldn't be home, but rather than solving it now, it was easier to just wait for LH to deal with it for him and fight about it afterwards"

Hey KKNY .... we have dinner every night at 5:30 I get home from work at 5 and dinner is on the table by 5:45 every day!!!!! if its something thats take a long time to cook it goes in the crock pot ... I don't spend my life in the kitchen....

My hubby supported me but he would not stand up to his ex ... we are now on the same page and we will continue because I have "put my foot down" ... standing our ground with regards to BM.

I got in a rut I was home for too long with children who could have cared less because Mom made sure they made my life hell ... and with hubby taking the high road and not telling his children their mother is wrong... I suffered ... now his children are not my issue ... I do my own thing the only one who needs a "babysitter" is SD9 and thats on her parents to figure out ... not me ... I will not be responsible for her alone anymore.

So I get to come and go as I please do what I want to do when I want to do it... but I want to make sure dinner is on the table at a decent time. :)

LOL, pseudo.. I was also going to say I have dinner on the table at 6:30 (that's when DH walks through the door).

Part of supporting you is standing up for you and that means standing up to his ex, and not letting his kids (any of them) treat you badly. I'm glad he's finally doing something about it.

I almost called off our wedding because he was going to let her bully him into letting her be there. I told him if she's there, I won't be. He still doesn't like any conflict and yesterday, he got a text from his ex asking him how much he charges to video a wedding. (he was trying to start a videography business but hasn't done anything with it) He called me at lunch time and told me what she asked. We both don't think she's getting married, but we know her best friend is getting married soon. So, I asked him "do you want to video a wedding for her or her friends?" and he said "hell no" so I suggested he could tell her he is not doing it anymore. In the past, he'd have agreed to do the wedding and then complained about it to me and I told him a long time ago, he needs to stand up for himself (where she is concerned) and if he doesn't, then he can deal with it, I don't want to hear about it. I will hold his hand and support him when she does stupid crazy stuff, but if he agrees to something he doesn't want to do, then that's HIS choice. Leave me out of it.

Like I said to lovehadley, it's easier to put your foot down in the beginning with him (and his ex) than trying to do it later, when you are stressed out of your mind. (then you feel like a raving lunatic) and it disrupts the level of comfort he's grown accustom to.

The point is I dont think Hadleys FDH can realistically be home by that time, and I dont think it makes sense to get in a fight over that. With only school age children, granted there are a few tough weeks in the year, but a lot of the year, it does give her free time. The hours FDH is home is not, IMHO, the issue.

"At the risk of getting flamed, if you are going to be a SAHM, I think you have to accept the childcare duties."

To a point, I agree with you.

however, I keep reiterating--I WORKED FULL TIME until the end of this last school year and I STILL was primarily responsible for STBSS.

NOTHING has changed with the plan for me to not go back to work--except I have put my foot down and said I will not be getting involved in any of the school transportation.

I was picking him up at school every day we had him last year and watching him all day every other Saturday, as well. Those Saturdays really used to irritate me because, after a long work week, I was anxious to have some time to unwind myself, even if that meant getting a babysitter for my own daughter for a couple hours. BUT my fiance would never allow me to get a babysitter (even though the girl we use for my own DD is a responsible, highschool junior--senior now--who lives 4 houses down) when his son was there. He was always afraid of upsetting BM.

My point is--I was expected to do the bulk of the care for STBSS even when I WAS working. There is no difference now, and, even if I did decide to go back to teaching, because I am able to leave work earlier, he would STILL expect me to do the bulk of care.

NOW--in a perfect world, yes, everything would be fine, and I would do for STBSS what I do for my DD. BUT the problem is right now, STBSS is NOT listening to me and watching him is a tremendous burden for me. I also have no real *authority* with STBSS.

Fiance is slowly working on that with him and the last few DAYS has been trying to impress upon his son that he MUST listen to me. But we are now having to undo 6 years of his BM telling him the opposite-that he does NOT have to listen to or respect me. That is an uphill battle.

If they were both my children, I wouldn't be dealing with these kinds of issues--so being responsible for childcare wouldn't be an issue.

"With only school age children, granted there are a few tough weeks in the year, but a lot of the year, it does give her free time."

And, yes, this would be true if my STBSS weren't attending a school that goes year round.

He and my DD are on completely different schedules now.

He is off for 6 weeks in the summer. She is off for 12.

He gets 3 weeks off in the fall. She gets none.

He is off for the entire month of December. She is off for the last two weeks.

He is off the last 2 weeks in February and the first week in March.

She is off the last two weeks in March.

So theorectically I am going to be watching him on our weeks on his time off.

This is all out of our realm of control, unfortunately.

"If they were both my children, I wouldn't be dealing with these kinds of issues--so being responsible for childcare wouldn't be an issue"

If they were both your children, you'd just hire the babysitter and give yourself a break when you need it.

Just because he's the father, doesn't mean that he has better judgement than you. He can't give you the job, without giving you the authority to decide how to do it. Give him some options: I'm hiring a babysitter for three hours on Saturday afternoon. You can let your son stay with the sitter or you can look after him yourself. I leave at 2:00 pm.

I have had to do the same thing in my household. My husband would be perfectly happy leaving his kids at home alone for three hours every afternoon while we are at work (they get out of school at 2:30 pm). They are both immature for their age and have mild ADHD. I had to put my foot down on that one. I gave him two choices. He puts them in an afterschool program at the community centre, or I'm hiring an afternoon nanny. They're at the community centre because my husband is loath to have another person in his house. He's not happy, nor are the kids. He'd like to save the money. They'd rather watch TV, eat all the ice cream and mess up the house (which is what they do at BM's house). No thanks. That would be bad for me - and what's bad for me is bad for everyone because they all rely on me to keep the house running.

Maybe I missed the answer to my questions somewhere in another post, but why isn't that boy riding a bus? Doesn't the school have to provide transportation to/from school? Why can't he go to the same school as your daughter?

"Maybe I missed the answer to my questions somewhere in another post, but why isn't that boy riding a bus? Doesn't the school have to provide transportation to/from school? Why can't he go to the same school as your daughter?"

The GAL decided that STBSS should go to school in his mother's district, which is 20+ miles from our home. He does ride the bus when he is with BM.

My daughter goes to a private school.

"I bet he knew he couldn't be home, but rather than solving it now, it was easier to just wait for LH to deal with it for him and fight about it afterwards"

It is so much easier to pretend to agree to something that you know you can't actually accomplish, just to put off the inevitable argument about it. At least it seems easier to a lot of people - and, from what I have seen, it is more common in men and boys than in women and girls. I never got why you would rather have someone twice as mad at you as long as it was later.

It's that whole "it's easier to ask for forgiveness then to ask for permission' way of thinking, which I find to be crap. I don't generally hold a grudge when asked to do something out of my way. I will tend to get cranked when I'm knowingly made to go out of my way and then it's weakly apologized for.

Even my DH, who has been wonderful to co-parent with, is guilty of this. I think because from day one I stepped right to the SM plate and jumped in with two feet I made it very easy for him to assume I would take care of things. Most of the time I had, but when he would get annoyed if something for SD wasn't done/addressed I'd get on my high horse - "it's YOUR daughter." I realized after a while that wasn't really fair - if 99% of the time I arranged for dance classes, why is it DH's fault the 1 time I forgot? I'd given him every reason to believe I would handle it . . . whether he ever asked me to in the first place or not. But, because of the fact I handle most of the kid things it does get assumed I'm on top of them all without checking with me. Then comes the over promising and under delivering and the asking for an apology comes. Always one of my favorite discussions. :-)

and, from what I have seen, it is more common in men and boys than in women and girls. I never got why you would rather have someone twice as mad at you as long as it was later.

I gotta agree 100% with this one, but I think part of it is not just that the other person will be mad later, but they're hoping that with any luck the worst of it will be when they aren't around to have to deal with it. I once told an ex-bf that if some woman had broken up with one of his friends the way he had done to me (the ever classic dumping-by-disappearing act) he would think she was a horrible person. His actual word for word response: well, yes, that's true but that's different because then I would have to deal with the aftermath (me: oh, so my feelings only matter if you have to look at me while I'm having them?) ok, he was a selfish prick, but I do think it's pretty common for even less selfish men to be huge cowards when it comes to dealing with other people's emotions, even more so when they personally have done something (or are about to do something) to upset the person.