I agree. It's their day. Let them plan the wedding they want with your blessing.

It's HER wedding. Let her do what she wants.

My niece had a Dairy Queen ice cream cake for her wedding cake and then a candy table. It doesn't matter.

Weddings are very expensive. I was married in 2014 and we had a very small, modest, 20-guest wedding and it was still almost $20k. While I loved it, in hindsight I wish I had been more frugal! The markups for weddings are ridiculous.

That being said, there are compromises. I've heard that Costco has nice wholesale flowers, and they have good cake. I've heard of brides buying a little fancy display cake and then use Costco sheet cake to feed everyone, for much less than what a full wedding cake would cost. There's also a big market for pre-owned dresses, if she's interested in that. You can save a lot of money that way.

I love that cookie idea! Would you and her MIL be willing to bake instead of the aunts, to start a new tradition? You could start a few months early, bake and freeze the cookies.

I think that tons of home-baked cookies is a great idea. When I got married, the ceremony was in a small country church, I wore a brown velvet pants suit made by my mother, and a couple of my aunts made a coconut cake. If nobody in your family bakes anymore, you can go to a bakery, and a lot of times you can find a stay-at-home mom who does custom baking for a reasonable amount.

My daughter had a very non traditional wedding. No flowers except her bouquet. Her cake was a sheet cake from a supermarket. Her dress was from a thrift shop. Her necklace was one she bought when she was in high school at Salvation army for less than a dollar. Got married in a park. She is a very non traditional person. She and her husband had been together for 12 years....longer than most marriages last now a days....and that was 3 years ago. I have never interfered with anything she wants to do. I would not have been able to pay thousands of dollars for her to have a fancy, traditional wedding, and I think it would have been in poor taste anyway, considering they had lived together so many years. I have a friend whose daughter got married five times and each wedding was more grand than the last. I quit going to them.....said I would make the next one. I got married by a jp....52 yrs ago. I wouldn't have wanted a big, fancy wedding. Some people just don't care about those kinds of things.

Perhaps it is time that she learn how to make those cookies. If any of her aunts are still alive and can do it they could write down the recipes and how to form the cookies. Or she could cheat and order them. Probably would be more expensive than a large cake but there are bakeries that do make them.

It hurts to have what you wanted your children to have as something special in their lives to be told that it has no value but that is part of the cycle of life. It is a year away and perhaps they will change their minds.

Hopefully you taught her to have her own preferences. She's doing that now, congrats to both of you. You don't agree with her choices but they are her choices to make, not yours.

I think a key ingredient to having excellent relationships with adult children is to not communicate unnecessary criticisms. And to avoid offering opinions that aren't requested. An opinion that isn't asked for isn't wanted and won't be welcome.

I have to add having lived in a largely Italian area and attended Italian weddings with all the cookies I have been informed that it took over a year to make all of the cookies for the last wedding reception of that type I attended.

I agree with your daughter as far as the dress goes. Nobody never remembers what a bride wore. Heck I don't even remember what my own wedding dress looked like anymore. I also think expensive wedding dresses are a waste of money. I still think a bride at least should have flowers. What is she going to throw? Maybe just a small cake for the bride and groom to cut would be nice. As long as they don't smash it into each others face. That is sooooo wrong on all levels. Were I live a wedding isn't a wedding without a cookie table and I mean tons of cookies. It not a heritage thing, but a location thing. My sons wedding had two 8 ft tables just full of cookies. Several of us baked cookies for my sons wedding. The ones I could freeze I started baking about 2 months before the wedding. I bought pizza boxes and layered the cookies in the box, wrapped up the box with saran wrap and froze, I made at least 12 different kind of cookies. The pizza boxes made them easy to carry to the venue. Yes, I have seen young couples who planed their wedding longer than the marriage lasted. I also have seen couples spend a fortune on a elaborate over the top wedding and then live in a cheap apartment without 2 nickles to rub together.

Awww....no cake?

I loved having the first tier as my first anniversary cake. It tasted awful, but I loved having it anyway.

I like traditions, though....

My daughter did not want a wedding cake which was fine with me. She had a dessert table instead.

I always think about my father's older brother's wedding. His wife told me after he passed away that they were married on Easter Sunday sometime in the early 40's. Easter was early, there was a huge snowstorm, they drove to the preacher's house and he slogged out to the car and married them. In the car!

this ^^ is what it's all about...

There's some time yet to finalize ideas between now and a 2019 wedding. You've had just a taste of their initial thoughts, and I'm going to guess they will end up with something pretty and tasteful. That doesn't have to mean expensive.

Lots alternatives to traditions any more. When my brother got married, they had baskets of native plant stems, very few actual flowers. A cheesecake bar rather than a wedding cake.

We went to a wedding 3 years ago where the centerpieces were quart mason jars of wildflowers - the bride arranged them.

And we went to a wedding last summer held in a backyard garden - only the house was new and the garden mostly on paper still, just the bare bones planted. No cake, the bride opted for milk and cookies in place of cake. I was fine with the cookies - I even like milk - not so fine in the treeless backyard with the temps which reached 100F that afternoon ;0)

I went to my late DH's nieces wedding last June and there were no centerpieces, and no wedding cake. I don't know what they served instead (if anything) as after 3 days on the road, and dancing already going on, we chose to leave and go back to the hotel - I was exhausted.

What she did do was quite clever. She used large flat pots filled with various herbs, and asked her guests to take them with them when they left. They were stunning and made a greater impact than a skimpy, money-saving centerpiece would have. done. I think she found a pretty inexpensive dress. Of course, she is very tall, and very slender, so she would have looked gorgeous in a burlap bag!

My own DD's wedding was very important to me - I had been planning it in one form or another since I was still on the maternity ward. And she wanted a pretty, traditional wedding. We had a very sparse budget and I did not want them paying for anything other than their honeymoon. Fortunately, at that time, I had access to the wholesale florist and had two neighbors who were gifted at arranging flowers. We did all the flowers - centerpieces, church alter flowers. I did the bridesmaids bouquets, another friend did the groom/groomsmen boutonnieres. The only thing I outsourced was the bridal bouquet as it was made with "tricky" flowers and beyond my pay grade! It was gorgeous.

We did pay a lot for her dress with no reqrets. Her 21st wedding anniversary was on Thurs and we were talking today about how good that dress still looks to us both. She wore a gorgeous lace family veil that had belonged to my DH's grandmother and worn by all the women in his family.

You cannot dictate what THEY feel comfortable spending on a wedding. If you can afford to pay for the entire thing, then offer to do so - then it may well be more to your liking. I told my DD that we BOTH needed to be happy with everything, and I was willing to put the time into making that happen. It worked - we both were thrilled.

But that was 21 years ago, and I think many of today's brides want their parents to have nothing to do with their wedding - even the invitations go out under the name of the bride and groom. That would have broken my heart...

If the wedding is not until 2019 the couple may change their minds on certain aspects but I can not imagine a wedding without the bride (at least) carrying flowers. Reminds of a show of Mike and Molly and the family started making plans for them. Mike speaks up and says, Whoa when did this become "our wedding" to her mother and to his mother. L0L

I haven't seen a wedding invitation mention parents in a long time. Ours had just our names on them. I don't think it's because the couple wants nothing to do with the parents. To me, mentioning the parents in the invitation is representative of a time when the couple getting married was leaving their family home to start their own. That's often not the case anymore. We were already established, independent and in our 30's.

It was traditional when the parents hosted (and paid) for the whole thing, which also isn't so common anymore with the crazy costs. We paid for our own wedding.

Our parents had a very important role in our ceremony, they were highlighted in the program and had special flowers. My late mother had a pretty chair with a nice picture and a smaller version of my bouquet set up in her memory.

We didn't have a big wedding. Just a JP in my mother in laws backyard and our closest family and friends. Only the bridal party and immediate family went for dinner, and we had a back yard firepit party afterwards. The whole thing, including my dress, my husbands suit, and my kids clothes came to $1000. 28 years later, we are still married. We didn't do anything fancy. My mother in law made my flowers for me, my maid of honour and my flower girl with silk flowers.

Whether or not you agree to anything, doesn't matter. It's not your wedding. If you don't like what they're doing, don't contribute money-wise. Just my 2 cents here. They just want to get married. At least they didn't elope. Right?

The one that floored me, oh so many years ago, was instead of exchanging rings, they exchanged branches of rosemary in remembrance! I figured if he couldn't afford a ring, there wasn't much hope for the marriage. Boy was I wrong. 35 years later, they are still together and just recently had custom wedding rings made by a local artist, and they're still together and happy.

I think it's great that they're being cost conscious about the wedding, and as the planning goes on, you and she may find ways of going more traditional for less that you're both happy with. For example, for my wedding, my mother put my grandmother to work making the place setting/party favor things.

My GF had a really inexpensive wedding that was still very nice. Married at the church and a champagne/punch reception in the church garden. She had hors d'oeuvres, a cake and a harpist and fortunately a warm sunny afternoon. And they're still married after over 40 years.

It's really not about material things as much as the marriage and their happiness.

Congratulations and enjoy the process...don't let frets and worries and stress undo the fun.

Satin, I think your daughter and future SIL have the right idea. My daughter and SIL were also frugal about what they spent for their wedding. They ended up having a very small and intimate destination wedding in the Keys. We have some very close friends there, one of whom is a professional grade photographer (she gave a set of pictures as her gift to them). DD had a beautiful but inexpensive dress, he got a new suit and there was a very small cake, but the rest was just about everyone being together and celebrating. I don’t think they spent more than 5000 for everything including their honeymoon. Guests stayed for a few days, they stayed for 2 weeks as a honeymoon (a couple of nights at a nice hotel the rest at our friends house). It was an amazing time and they both glowed. Most importantly, they didn’t begin their marriage cash poor for this one day. That was 16 years ago and they are still happily married! I know it’s not what you were expecting, but it seems like your DD and future SIL have their priorities straight.

No flowers? No cake? No expensive dress? I would be thrilled. We're all different, but the usual wedding trappings never excited me. Which turned out to be a good thing, since my daughter wore white North Face when she got married atop a mountain (and then they skied down) and my son eloped to Florida. My middle daughter, who died in 2001, wanted to get married on horseback. That would have been lovely too.

Satine, I'm sure you'll get used to your daughter's wedding preferences, and adjust your thinking. You both deserve to enjoy this day.

What exactly is concerning about this for you? Do you worry she will regret her decisions? Or are you concerned it won’t look good for others (guests, family, etc). In both cases it’s really best to let it go, but especially if it’s the latter. Harp on how all her choices are ‘wrong’ and you’ll end up with a wedding with no guests, cause they’ll have eloped.

My husband absolutely hates being the center of attention- it’s difficult and embarrassing for him. So a whole day of starting our marriage off with cake cutting and garter tossing and first dances would have been selfish of me and not joyous for him. We skipped all those things and had a beautiful backyard ceremony with our families and a really kick butt meal. It was absolutely perfect *for us*. Sounds like your daughter is on track to plan an event that is perfect for them and for their marriage; congrats- you raised a wonderful, reasonable, thoughtful, independent, and unique daughter!

Satine, is this the same daughter who had such a difficult time as a teenager?

If it is, maybe a good way to not stress over their wedding plans and lack of some of the traditional components would be to simply be thrilled that she's overcome these difficulties, has got her life together and has found someone to love and who loves her back.

Next to these really awesome accomplishments, whether or not they decide to have flowers or a cake doesn't seem so important. You must be so very proud of her; the best gift you could give to her now would be to support her in her wedding planning even if it's not the wedding you envisioned. This is such a happy occasion and I'll bet that if everyone gets on board, you'll be able to come up with some really wonderful and creative ideas.

Best wishes to you and the happy couple. :-)

Satine, you said this: I am determined to try to be as agreeable as possible

Keep that excellent determination.

There is nothing wrong with what they have planned. Let them have the wedding they want. The important thing is they have found each other and are making plans together, something couples do all their married lives, so allow them this experience. If it's not traditional, it doesn't matter.

Both my kids did things in their weddings which were different, but I said nothing and everything turned out fine!

By the way, 2019 is a long way away, so many things could change. Don't worry, be happy!

Thanks for letting me vent a bit. To all, I am absolutely letting them have the wedding they want. I of course have a vision for my youngest daughter's wedding as I did for my other two daughters' weddings but in all cases they had what they and the grooms wanted.

Dawn, yes this is the daughter who had such a difficult couple of years and has worked harder than anyone I know to turn her life around. Right now she has a good job that she likes, lots of good friends, a young man who loves her as does his family and her own family back in her life. Thank you for your supportive words.

Be flexible, what they want might change between now and then, but if it doesn't I'm sure whatever they have in mind will be beautiful.

Read Elmer's post. Re-read Elmer's post. Re-re-read Elmer's post.

EVERYBODY read Elmer's post and remember what he said.

Then BITE YOUR TONGUE unless your child asks you VERY SPECIFICALLY for ADVICE. And even then, word your advice VERY carefully.

Thanks for the advice, Chloe...

:-/

I agree with - it is her wedding and her wishes should be respected. Be there to offer help and support. Years from now.....what will be most important will not be the cake....or the flowers....or the dress. What she will remember...is how you made her feel as she plans this very special day.

Agreed. Personally, I would not go into debt for a wedding. I see some of these shows where they spend 10,000 on a dress. And then have a "Trash the dress" photography session....Bad precedent for a relationship, maybe?

By all means vent away, satine...I totally respect you for that and sometimes you need someone to just listen.

I'm sorry if I wasn't supportive.

Satine, I appreciate that you feel comfortable to share your inner thoughts with us here at the KT. Looking forward to hearing more about the wedding.

Satine, I'm tickled to the end of my toes that this darling daughter of yours is so happy and settled now!

And then I have to say I know what you're talking about. One of my dds is getting married and insists on keeping the cost down. The mark-up for anything to do with weddings is so huge that it makes her really mad. Plus she's always been a frugal sort. Yes, we are paying for much of the wedding but she's still trying to be verrry careful. My dh wants to spend a bit more and dd's fiance has been a good mediator in our talks. :-) They also are not having a wedding cake, but instead.....donuts. Also, there will be no dj but rather a friend who will run the playlist the groom will make. Hope that works! And no dance floor because they don't see any sense in that as there is a carpeted space. We will be making the centerpieces. And she's asked her bridesmaids to choose their own dresses, hopefully something they can wear again. The venue requires us to use one of their five caterers so dd has to go along with that; it'll be a buffet "so that people are forced to walk around and visit with each other, Mom." Overall and over time we've come to agreement on most aspects. I too am trying very hard not to impose my wishes on them; dh is having a bit of a harder time with that! It'll all work out, really. Congratulations!

Dancing on carpet is not easy. A sectional, moveable dance floor is really quite inexpensive from a rental company and makes a huge difference.

Satine, by all means, be happy, be supportive, and enjoy planning with your DD. Yes, do listen to any advice to just be tuned in to what your DD and her fiancé want. If asked for input, offer your ideas carefully. Elmer has great points. It doesn’t matter what any of us did.

I did go to a lovely wedding and reception a couple of weekends ago. No flowers at all in the Church, but lots at the reception. Candles in the Church and yes the bride had flowers but very simple. Cupcake tower and loads of great food, wine and beer and a band.

You're preaching (explaining, rather) to the choir, anglo! She has dug in her heels over this one.

Satine, I remember your daughter's story very clearly. I'm so happy to hear she has turned her life around. That was a very dark time. Congratulations on the wedding, but let her do it her way. I know it's hard. I think I will be dealing with this in the next few years and I will try to remember the advice of everyone here when and if the time comes.

I think it's important that the couple getting married decide what kind of wedding they want. I personally think the idea of a frugal wedding sounds good. My daughter wanted a big wedding with all the trimmings. It was beautiful, but I do think they spent way too much. I never even hinted that I felt that way. They still love looking at their wedding album and reminiscing five years later. They did what they wanted and are glad they did, and I'm happy that I kept my mouth shut.

Just wanted to add....

I know this is tough for you so I'm happy to help the only way I can.

I will completely side with you at all times.

I agree wedding costs are out of control. But remember frugal is different than cheap. The people who are invited to the wedding are the families guest and should be treated as guests. Not as a monetary gift. I heard of one wedding where they invited anybody and everybody to a park pavilion and on top of it asked their guest to bring a covered dish. They served beer and generic soda. Their guest weren't invited as guest, but cash cows.

It's really great to finally read about a frugal bride and groom. There are way too many people going into deep debt to finance over-the-top weddings.

Nothing is like the old days we lived in. Just except what they what and let it go and save your $$. They could want ALL the bells and whistels, Be thankful.

“I have found the best way to give advice to my adult children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.” Harry Truman :)

Nothing wrong with a simple wedding. With the price of things now-a-days, it's the smart way to do it. Their marriage won't mean anything less. Most peeps that have a huge, expensive wedding do it just to impress their friends, or, the parents want to impress their own friends, IMO.

Most young people I know pay for their own weddings. It's pretty common here. About 8-10 yrs ago we went to a trio of weddings (first two paid for by the couples themselves):

One of my young relatives did the whole fancy wedding thing at a suburban country club. It must easily have cost around $30K.

Another young relative did a simple ceremony they wrote themselves, renting a pretty little private park in the heart of the city. Dinner was at a restaurant that opened onto the park, and the "cake" was two kinds of cupcakes: gluten and non-gluten.

Our best friends did an even simpler ceremony, renting the event space. Funds were very tight for them as they were climbing out of debt (which they eventually succeeded in doing). Friends, including us, chipped in through various ways: bringing food, decorating the space, making the wedding clothes (RenFair costumes, really lovely). One woman who loved to bake made the wedding cake, which was actually moist and flavorful, LOL - no tiers, just a beautifully frosted rectangular one-layer cake.

Of the three, we'd rate our best friends' wedding the most fun. It was the least "scripted" and it was great to have time to talk to others whom we don't get to see very often, in-between the dancing.

The park/cupcake ceremony was second most enjoyable. My relative wore a stunning kimono her father's family sent over from Japan. The cupcakes (she loves them) were a hoot: half were topped with little plastic dragon figurines (her birth sign) and half were topped with little plastic monkeys (his birth sign).

The least enjoyable was the country club wedding. It went off perfectly, looked like a photo spread from Bride magazine. But it felt a little dull to us. He's Japanese, she's Taiwanese first generation. It was expensive, beautiful, and glossy, but also sort of soul-less. Nothing really personal except marking off the checkboxes on a list of to-do's.

Her sister's wedding had two ceremonies, Western and Chinese. From the photos, it looked a lot more interesting.

Although DH and were oldsters when we were married, we did not want anything to even resemble fornal. My DB and wife have a log home and and a beautiful little creek. There is a walking bridge over to gazebo and that is where we had our ceremony. My DD made the darling invitations and requested guests to wear jeans, shorts or something comfortable. My brothers hauled in hay bales topped by 2x12s for guests to sit on. Our girls wore pink cotton jumpers with white t-shirts, our boys wore tan pants and white polo shirts. The girls carried a single pink rose...I had 6. All 7 little grandsons had their special things to do.

We had a pulled pork cook-out and a friend wanted to bake the small cake. DH wore a dark suit and I wore a cream suit.

Everyone loved it!...and the entire event was less than $500...the food was the most expensive thing we bought.

This reminds me of when my 2nd daughter got married. She was the complete opposite of oldest DD wedding planning.
I didn't force anything on her, but when I questioned her ideas on this or that she told me what her future husband said. "We have me, you and a preacher what more do we need?" You know what? He was right! They did things their way, they aren't fancy people and they just wanted a fun time. I had more than one person say it was one of the nicest weddings they had been to.
Oh, they didn't want cake either, we had the individual cheesecakes from Sam's Club! Each came in a little paper cupcake and they tasted great!

"Most young people I know pay for their own weddings. It's pretty common here. "

jakkom, your "here" and my "here: are roughly the same place, though I'm not Chinese or other type of Asian ancestry. In my "here", couples rarely pay for their own weddings. In fact, I've never heard of that, it's interesting that your experience is so different. .