Gosh........everyone has a past!! Even you say this is not your first serious relationship. So what's the big deal? That he already has a child? At least it was a child conceived in wedlock and he is attentive and involved with his son. Those are all good things and provides a small insight into this man's character.

I married a man with two small boys from a previous marriage. They were part of our wedding party and spent summers and most holidays with us. In no way did they detract from our relationship and in many ways, enhanced it!! We were a family - if only part time - right from the start. I helped raise those boys and even today, more than 30 years later and while their dad and I are no longer together (we divorced after 23 years for other reasons having nothing to do with his sons), they are still a significant part of my life.

I have to agree with colleenoz - if you cannot appreciate this man for what he is and what he brings to your relationship, including his son, then YOU are the one in the wrong place and need to make some changes. Grow up and put on your big girl pants!!

Do the right thing by the child, walk away & don't look back. He deserves better.

You are 23. Very young and TBH at that stage, one does not know that much about life. Do you want to be a stepmother at 23? That is a huge responsibility.

There is a lot of life out there to be lived. If you don't want someone with a child, I would think you would have lots of other choices.

<I feel like crying and a little hurt every time he talks to his son on the phone.>

His intentions of being a great Dad should make your heart swell with love! That you cry and feel hurt indicates this relationship is not right for you.

Hannah, don’t feel bad. This is just not the relationship for you. It is asking a lot of any single woman, especially one your age, to take on the responsibilities of SM. It is not an easy role. And, personally I feel it is best for a divorced man with children to hook up with a divorced woman with children. They’ll both know far better what they are getting into and there will have to be give and take on both of their parts with each other’s issues and children.

On the other hand, a single woman without any children of her own, is more likely to have less of an idea of what she is getting into and she will be the one making most of the sacrifices, just by virtue of having to deal with any previous family issues, including BM and possibly other family members, in addition to the children. They may all be OK with you, or they may not, and sometimes true colors may not show up for a while or change. You also bring up a good point that I’ve heard before but have not seen in print that often, and that is you will be giving up your “firsts,” so to speak. This is not so important to some women, but to other women it is much more important. I know I’ve heard others say that they could never be a SM just for that reason. So, you are not alone there.

You are young and probably not so experienced. This is not the man for you, and as enamored as you may be with him, you need to know he will always be a dad to some other woman’s child. I actually do applaud you, however, for looking a little deeper into your feelings and realizing that what you really want is a partner for yourself with no children. You don’t want to give up your “firsts,” and there is nothing wrong with that, and absolutely no reason why you should. This is not the man for you. Too many women settle, and are then haunted the rest of their lives. Best to not be one of those.

A child is not “baggage.” You’re jealous of a four year old who only sees this “great dad” once every month or two, and you’re asking if this marriage will work? Seriously?

I’m sorry to say, I can’t see any future for this relationship

Yeah, I have to agree. Your expectations are unreasonable.

I've heard that women marry thinking they can change a man into what they want him to be ... and men marry women thinking they'll never change ... and both groups are wrong. The issue with which you're dealing will never change; he will always be that boy's father.

I actually do applaud you, however, for looking a little deeper into your feelings and realizing that what you really want is a partner for yourself with no children

Very much so. Right now you have choices. Once you're married -- okay, you still have choices, but they come with much bigger consequences.

You’re jealous of a four year old who only sees this “great dad” once every month or two, and you’re asking if this marriage will work? Seriously?

Yeah, "great dads" are more involved than that. I'd also question how the ex-wife received full custody -- unless something bad has happened, couples tend to share custody.

However, you're wise to recognize and question these feelings.

I'm 23 and he's 32

Don't discount the fact that you're still very young, and 9 years age difference is a part of this equation. You still have your 20s ahead of you -- all those exciting firsts in terms of career and home, whereas he's in his "settling down to a routine" years. Having been through both these phases of life, both were wonderful, but I am very glad my husband and I were in the same phase at the same time.

We recently got engaged and moved in together ... I'm scared that I'm making the wrong choice here and walking into a lifetime commitment that is stressful.

Red flags: You know that living together before marriage increases the chances of divorce later? And people who've already divorced are more likely to divorce again? Added to those unhappy facts, you're concerned about whether you're going in the right direction. These are big red flags.

The introspection to which you're subjecting yourself is a good first step -- is this what you really want? I'd say come clean with him -- tell him how you're feeling, tell him you're questioning your choices. I'd move out. Not break up, but move out. It'll be easier to examine your feelings with a little space between you. Once you're SURE, then make a decision -- either go ahead and get married, or say goodbye.

I feel like crying and a little hurt every time he talks to his son on the phone.

This is a very strong reaction to a small thing. How are you going to react when you're merging your finances and you see a portion of his paycheck going to this child? When you're going back to work when your child is eight weeks old, and you're thinking you could stay home if not for that payment? How about when that child has a first day of school? When he has to decide whether to attend his son's baseball game or your new child's dance recital? When the son's mom's rules don't match your house rules and discipline is hard? When your child gets a car for his 16th birthday and the older son says, "No fair -- why didn't I get one?" When you plan a vacation and the older child doesn't want to go with you and won't say why? These are the things I hear my stepmother-friends talk about, and they're a whole lot more complicated than a phone call.

It's also tough to be the child in that situation. Ask yourself truthfully if you empathize with the child -- as his stepmother, you'll have to be able to do that.

He said that he never really loved his ex wife and that he was unhappy in their relationship.

And you believed that? Do you really think he was so foolish as to marry someone he didn't love (or at least didn't think he loved)? He's telling you what you want to hear -- or you're hearing what you want to hear. You need the truth, whether it's comfortable or not.

got herself pregnant

Biologically impossible. You're looking to make the other woman the scapegoat, but it takes two to get pregnant. Either -- again -- he's telling you what he thinks you want to hear, or you're hearing what you want to hear.

I’ve known people who felt obligated to ‘do the right thing’ and get married due to a pregnancy - they also happened to be from an older generation or from a family with a conservative cultural viewpoint. Love and what it is and what it looks like/feels like is something we generally have an evolving perspective about - I used to joke that I figured out what I want in relationships and what love is by experiencing all the stuff I did not and is not. ‘Process of elimination’ I called it.

However, a 32 year old who is divorced and has a child is a person who had to have felt something for the individual they created a child with, perhaps when too immature themselves to realize that lust and love aren’t the same thing and love requires work to grow, thrive, and to last. Now the 32 year old who sought out a woman in her early 20s and then got engaged plus moved in together...may likely still have immaturity he needs to address and that isn’t going to happen as long as he doesn’t acknowledge or take steps to do so, the sort of thing that a person does when they are single and experience an honest to god epiphany. And I remember being 23; reflecting on what I thought and did at that point of my life is making me so very glad to have grown out of it. Life is a journey, one that we have to really work to keep headed in a healthy positive direction. Can one be headed in a negative one and then change for the better? Sure! But only if they recognize the need to stop and ‘get their gps unit’ figured out before starting out again.

Living together does not actually mean a couple is more likely to divorce - provided they have realistic expectations, healthy conflict resolution skills, and understand that they’re not ‘failures’ if they decide to end things rather than marry with all the to-do, expense, and pressures that go with it.