I'm so sorry. I'm sure others will chime in as I've had no direct experience. The indirect experience I have is so out of date, I'd not want to contribute it. Just wanted to pass along my best wishes for a speedy recovery and courage to get you both through a stressful time.

There are more less invasive ways of doing the procedure these days, but it depends on a lot of issues, like how much they are going to take and what approach the surgeon will take. Pain management is crucial, and anesthesia can do some long lasting nerve blocks so I would look into that. But it is major surgery, and she will need more assistance than she thinks. At least for a week, maybe more. It's wonderful of you to offer to help, try to talk her into it. Like I said, she'll need you more than she thinks.

Two of my sisters had breast cancer. I took time off and went to stay with each of them and they sure did need help. Just putting on a shirt of robe is difficult and you can't do it alone in the beginning. I stayed three weeks with both of them and did all the cooking for their families while they were having chemo and radiation. It's not an easy road for them and they need all the help they can get. I washed hair, bathed, etc. Visiting nurse came and several times we had emergency visits to hospital as blood was low etc. By all means, do what you can.

My SIL had a mastectomy a couple of years ago. She too is one of those folk who won’t listen when they are told to take it easy. She didn’t and ended up back in the hospital with infection and drainage issues and still has problems with lymphodaema. I don’t know if the latter was directly caused by the not resting but I don’t imagine it helped.

I had a bilateral (double) mastectomy nine years ago, with tram flap reconstruction at the same time. I can't speak to just having the mastectomy, but my reconstruction included abdominal surgery and I could not have managed on my own. The best thing DH did for me, was rent a hospital bed so I could raise the back and then just "roll out" of the bed.

I had a bilateral mastectomy with tissue expander placement about a year ago. Yes, she will need help. First and foremost she will come home with drains at the surgical sites. They need to be emptied, the volume of fluid measured, the site cleaned and the drains reassembled several times a day. It is yucky. One can do it oneself, but I found it to be emotionally challenging. Perhaps the most intimate and compassionate moments of my marriage happened when my husband did this for me. Some women have these drains for a week, others have them for several weeks. It all depends on ones individual body. I had mine for 20 days. During this time she will probably be told to limit bathing to sponge baths in order to keep the surgical and drain sites dry. She will also have strict limitations on her movements and her ability to lift. Generally, more than about 5 pounds is a strict no-no. I found that about a week following surgery I “thought” I felt pretty good, (and this is a dangerous time, when the patient pushes beyond her limits) but looking back I really didn’t feel very good until about a week after getting the drains removed.

Follow your instincts and make yourself available to help. Even if your sister insists she will be ok, clear your calendar.

I will not comment about the mastectomy other than you should ask what the surgeon intends on doing. If her son is in his 40's she is probably 60 or older. If she is on Medicare you might want to talk to her about going to a rehabilitation center immediately after the surgery. The staff and facility might be better equipped to handle any difficulties immediately after surgery. Then as she heals and comes home you could come assist her with everyday things. Unless the house is equipped with wide bathroom doors and entrance ramps caring for her in the early stages could be more painful than it needs to be in the early stages.

My mom is the type to never take pain med or admit she needs help. After her breast reduction which is not as invasive as a mastectomy she took the meds, and took the physical help without question. She was shaky after having an anesthesia and surgery, and was in a lot of pain. Mentally she was a bit dopey not in the right state of mind to make decisions or monitor herself for problems. You need someone to monitor the timing of the medications missing a dose
of pain meds can create problems managing pain, antibiotics nausea
meds all need to be taken on schedule. Moving about and lifting her arms was painful, so dressing getting up and down was hard, getting in and out of a vehicle was painful. She definitely was not able to lift anything. She needed help for basic things for about a week, after that she was able to do more things, but could not lift, no house work, no laundry, no reaching etc. It took a long time to fully recover. As mentioned doing physical activities before your body has a chance to start to heal will only make the healing go slower and risk serious infection. I hope she realizes how hard a surgery and anesthesia will be on her and will be prepared to accept help and her family is aware of the help, and monitoring she well need to make sure she heals. Good luck

No matter what, you being there during the day will help and reassure her immensely.

Sending healing thoughts to your sister.

So sorry your sister is going through this. By all means try and be there to assist her and also for moral support. My mother had a mastectomy also and my brother and I stayed with her the first week until another family member could come. A visiting nurse came every day. She stayed at my home the week before her surgery and I was more nervous about it than she seemed to be. I was amazed at her calmness and was so proud of her after the surgery on how well she handled it all. Wishing your sister the very best!

I had a bilateral mastectomy with NO reconstruction. I was good-to-go after 4-5 days because there's NO muscle cut during a mastectomy (unless it's radical, and there's cancer in the underlying muscle). I had four JP drains, though, and those were a pain in the ass. I had minimal lifting restrictions, and was allowed to drive 2 weeks after surgery (but could have done so sooner).

Joseph Corlett, LLC - I wouldn't recommend that, up-front. I bought that shirt for myself, but I'd NEVER buy it for anyone else. This journey is highly personal, and different for every woman (or man).

Edit: my doctor allowed showering after 48 hours, so that was, at least, nice. (I just saw the post about limited bathing, above).

I think in such a situation as this, I'd take my guidance from the person having the surgery, but also talk to her family to see what their plans are. She may prefer to be alone, or they may plan on paying someone to come in and help.

I didn't want my mother to help me after having my babies, as the woman knew no boundaries and would have driven me around the bend. She would have cleaned out all my closets and drawers, and thrown things out (she was a thrower-outer), and probably rearranged my furniture and moved my pictures. But I did need help and made other arrangements.

Not everyone wants family helping. Your intentions are good but leave this up to her and her family.

Joseph that was so inappropriate...

Wrong place and time for humor.

Diane, I only have experience from helping and the others are correct. You think you'll be okay but the smallest things are exhausting. She'll rest as much as her body tells her to.

I cared for my mom after two mastectomies. As mentioned before, the drains are a pita, but must be managed. The meds really need to be taken on a schedule also. Mom needed for me to prepare food, do light housekeeping and laundry in addition to the medical needs. Just being there to jump and fetch is really a help to the patient.

I thought Joseph's tee shirt logo was funny and Mom would have laughed too, after she'd healed enough to laugh without pain. I suppose whether that was funny or inappropriate depends on the person's mindset.

"Joseph that was so inappropriate...

Wrong place and time for humor."

Pennydesign:

I can't think of a situation where a sense of humor would be more necessary for coping. The shame is on you, not me.

Joseph,

While I agree with you that humor is necessary for coping, it's up to the person with cancer to decide what's appropriate FOR HER. Some women find that sort of shirt vile and disgusting. Some don't. But let HER make her own decision regarding how she copes with the horror and daily shitshow that is cancer.

For everyone else:

The person with cancer is the one who calls ALL the shots. Offer NO advice, and please don't tell them about the latest "cure" (whether it's turmeric, Vitamin D, shark cartilage, eating only hand lotion, taking oatmeal baths, etc.). Let THEM tell YOU what they want and/or need.

Joseph, Diane's sister is about to have a mastectomy. And you come on this thread and tell her to buy a "funny" t-shirt.....It was inappropriate and something for waaaayyy later in the healing process, if at all.

If you have helped a close family member who's just had a mastectomy, then by all means share what helped. Or perhaps you found that your close family member didn't need any help? Interested to know how long you stayed with them and what you needed to do. THAT is what the op wants to know and THAT is what would be helpful.

I stayed for 2 weeks...not much but that was all the vacation time I had that year and I had to return to work. Another member went over on a daily basis (she couldn't spend all day, unfortunately) after I left. She'll need (or check to see if she has) blouses rather than anything to pull over her head. Loose fitting pants (easier to pull up and down to go to the bathroom). Lots of pillows for comfort.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this and I wish for the best for both of you...

Diane: I agree you need to discuss with your sister regarding you being there to help her out after surgery. Would you be coming from out of town? Even though she say's she doesn't need help (which she will)...you could leave it open by saying you want to be there for the surgery and "if" she needs you to stay longer, you will.

I live a little farther than out of town. I live in UK she lives in Nebraska (where all our family lives) I stay with her over the summer months when I am "home". I will call her again this week to see if there has been a date set for her surgery and explain more what she will be dealing with, I really don't think she's aware of what will happen. Thanks to all of you for your insights into this horrible disease and you kind thoughts.

Diane,

If your sister is telling you not to come - don't. She may feel the need to "entertain" you while you're there to help. My mother came and stayed here (even though my husband and daughter were available to help) for a week after my bilateral mastectomies, and it was very stressful for me to have her here. I would much rather have been alone for a few hours at a time than have to make small talk, share my space, listen to her cook/clean when I could have been napping, etc.

Don't try to explain to her what she'll be dealing with. You don't know. There's NO WAY you can know. She very likely knows exactly what to expect but isn't relating it all to you.

I know you're just trying to help, but she has already said no. Please respect her wishes.

Diane, your sister will no doubt require more help than she thinks. Having said that, everyone is different and I agree with imstillchloecat. I'm one of those people that prefers not to have visitors, while not well, even in the hospital. Well meaning friends and neighbors stress me out trying to be helpful. I make arrangements in advance for care as I dislike someone hovering over me. I need someone to be near, in hearing range, when I do require help. For the most part, I want to be alone.

Diane, thank you for this thread. Our 36 year old daughter, from my first marriage, is going thru chemo right now for breast cancer. She & her husband & 2 cats live in N.C. They are doing the chemo first & will then do a lumpectomy. We will go up before the surgery & stay how ever long we are needed. She is a very tiny small boned person, she is not even a size 32. Right now she is struggling to stay above 100 pounds. There has been some very good advice here & I appreciate it all. And Diane I am sorry your sister is going thru this.

Janey I'm so sorry for you, also. It must be heartbreaking for you. (((Janey)))

I agree with Irma, I like to be alone with someone to do what I ask them to do, only. But there is a difference between visitors and help. It does depend on your family dynamic.

I'm so grateful that the odds of beating this are SO much better than when our family went through it.

My best wishes to all dealing with this, and please don't forget to take care of yourselves, also.

Our youngest daughter had a double mastectomy. The worst part was she had to leave the hospital by 8:00 A.M. the next morning after she was in surgery for 9 hours. Her husband had taken the week off to take care of her. We took food in and helped with her daughter. She did have some problems with infection and such. It’s not an easy thing to go thru but she was a real trooper!! Hopefully she will except your help. She needs to take care of herself and get as much rest as possible.

Listen to the doctor very carefully.

Immediately following surgery, a common comment is "I feel like I've been hit by a truck". Infection is one of the largest concerns. She will likely be wearing a drain tube for a few days, until drainage stops. The area around the tube must be kept sterile. It is a path by which infections can enter. This tube is a problem. It can be pulled out place during sleep. It may still be under the skin but out of action. Also, it can become plugged. And yes, there is collection bag.

On the day of the surgery, have a friend or significant other bring her a cuddly stuffed animal. Present it to her a few hours following surgery about the time the anesthesia begins to wear off. If she is a cat person, get a cat; If she is a dog person, get a dog; If none of these, bring something that fits her person.

I suppose the stuffed animal advice is somewhat like the T-shirt advice. What’s appreciated by one may be insulting to another. I would have liked the T-shirt (once the implants were in place) but if someone presented me with a stuffed animal I would have directed them to the pediatrics ward. There is no perfect, one size fits all advice. Know your audience. Listen. The best gift you can give is your ability to adapt to your loved one’s needs.

There is virtually NO WAY those drain tubes can be dislodged. The tubing inside the body is at least 12" long. I've had those drains twice, and can absolutely verify 100% that even if they're accidentally "tugged" when stripping the tubing into the bulb, they will NOT come out. The only way they're going to come out is if someone grabs the tubes and yanks as hard as they can. And even then, they probably won't, because they're stitched into the skin.

I didn't feel like I'd been hit by a truck.

Stuffed animal? No. No STUFF.

I got SOOOOoo many "cancer presents" that I had no idea what to do with: stuffed animals, lotions (not my favorite scents), books, journals, pens, and anything/everything with that damned pink ribbon. Just. No.

All I want to say is, "bedrest" is a double edged sword. Yes, she will need to listen to her body and rest/sleep more/take it easy, to promote healing. To stay in bed nearly all day leads to pneumonia or blood clots in the legs, which produce blood clots in the lungs.