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Underwear

8 years ago

My wife and I were married back in September 2017. We moved into a small two bedroom apartment with her 18 year old son, who was supposedly leaving on his mission in October, but hasn’t yet. My concern is lack of concern for another adult’s privacy. He walks into our bedroom without knocking, goes into our bathroom, which is right off of our bedroom, and uses it without even bothering to close the door, or, if I’m not in the room he goes and gets in the bed with his mother, in only a pair of boxer briefs, and they lay there together talking for over an hour or more, with her stroking his back. He’s constantly walking around the apartment nude or in only the underwear without a shirt or t-shirt. I’ve asked my wife several times to please have him respect my privacy and to realize that it’s no longer just the two of them living together. Her response is to get upset and tell me that’s how they’ve always been.

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cacocobird

8 years ago

This situation is truly inappropriate and a little creepy. If she won't go to counseling, go alone and some help with handling this. Good luck!

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Comments (6)

colleenoz
8 years ago
That might work for a 7 year old, but not an 18 year old. Not appropriate.
engteach4368 thanked colleenoz
functionthenlook
8 years ago
I don't think you are going to get rid of the mamma's boy until mamma cut the apron strings. It seams she isn't ready to do it. It sounds like you are low man on the totem pole.
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Embothrium
8 years ago
last modified: 8 years ago
For me it was just him being possessive of mom in the presence of the new guy - until you got to the part about her response. Not only does she allow the nudity and intrusions, undertake the lying in bed together but she gets upset if you imply there is something wrong with this borderline incestuousness - I'd think many other male teens wouldn't want to be seen naked by their mothers. Or observed by them while using the bathroom. And would also feel awkward lying in bed with them - seems like most of them are more inclined in the opposite direction, at that age. With Mommy's Little Boy being long gone by then.

This upset reaction means that there is a deeply set emotional involvement on her part with what she and the not-so-much-a-boy-anymore are doing. You probably need to get her to agree to off site professional counseling sessions, where you both state and discuss your points of view with a qualified third party before you can make any progress with this.

I would have called this one something like No Underwear, Under the Covers or No Boundaries.
rockypointdog
8 years ago
IMO: I see this as an issue of respecting boundaries that you want to set but your wife does not agree with. If this were me, I would have a series of conversations with my SO about what level of privacy I am comfortable with, and ask her to listen to my concerns. Appropriateness is a subjective idea, so I would not bring that into the conversation. On the flip side, I would remind myself that I have entered into an established relationship, and that there may be moments when I need to say to myself "While I am personally not comfortable with this level of intimacy, the two of them are. There are bigger battles to fight." I'm sure there are going to be some challenges as the three of you work through creating a new family structure; I hope all of you can focus on the common goal of creating a happy family :-)
Kim Aves
8 years ago
I don't think this is an issue of him being or not being comfortable with their level of intimacy whether or not the two of them are. Sometimes you get to say, "What the heck!?," no matter if you are a step who came along "after an established relationship" or not.

This would be inappropriate in just about any situation, and esp. considering the son is 18, " if I’m not in the room he goes and gets in the bed with his mother. . . with her stroking his back. He’s constantly walking around the apartment nude. . . ." Actually, I'm surprised you put up with this for so long without seeking out advice or saying something earlier.

He wants to make sure you know he is the alpha male in the household, and his mother is letting him do it. She is also damaging her son by having a near husband-like relationship with him. Have a long talk with your wife, and let her know this is clearly inappropriate. If she continues to contest, tell her she has to decide who is her primary husband--you or her adult son?

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