This assignment surprises me. The school my kid went to --heck, even his preschool 25 years ago-- never spoke to the children saying "your mother," "your father," "your parents." They did not assume kids had those relations at all. Some kids were not even living with any related family and would have had no way to get the info asked for in that assignment. They used the words "your grown-up" with the kids. Their grown up may have been their current foster care guardian.

I just thought of a little girl in my son's second grade class. A couple times the school had to call a lock down and keep kids inside, away from windows because her biological father was threatening violence. I think it is quite possible they would not want this child describing her earliest memories to the class!

Anglo said:

We do our children a huge injustice when we try to protect them from the facts of their life. We simply must teach them to adapt.

I would go one step further- it's not just teaching your children to adapt- it is teaching your children to accept themselves and their circumstances. Focus on what the children have. What you focus on grows.

What about adopted children that don't know they are adopted.

Chip just did something similar to this last month in first grade. He was only required to write a short story about himself, age, DOB, favorate foods, fav color, family members that live with him, pets ect. No proof was required nor would I have provided it had it been ask for. I provided birth cert and custody papers when he was enrolled I'm not about to make this kind of stuff public.

I feel like it's almost impossible for an educator to cater to all children's situations. Children have a variety of backgrounds - some are adopted, some don't have a mother or a father, some live with grandparents or aunts and uncles, some are only children, some are poor, some are wards of the state, some have lost a family member, etc. Any of these situations could make a child feel ostracized.

Teachers don't want children to feel bad, but at the same time, these types of projects are important to develop personal reflection and thoughtfulness. It's less about the end result and more about the process. I imagine the goals are for the kids to talk about their birth stories with an adult who was familiar with it, and to learn a little more about how they became the child they are today. Children who were adopted and don't know about their actual birth can still learn their "adopted birth story" in another country with their adoptive parents.

I feel that if teachers are punished for being "insensitive" to every possible complication, we risk losing innovative and creative teachers, and kids will be stuck doing worksheets and other impersonal assignments.

That said, there are certainly some approaches that can be taken, and teachers should encourage adaptability and alternatives in these sorts of activities so that kids feel supported while figuring out their projects.

"I doubt the teacher is doing it for the sake of being nosy."

Do her motivations really matter, when the fact is that she's requiring students to share this sort of personal information? It's not like the kids and parents were given an option. It's a requirement to share personal information. If someone's boss did that...required them to share baby photos, how big they were as a baby, how long, first memory, etc., this wouldn't go over well at all. It really wouldn't. Why, then, is it okay to make kids share it? What if they don't want to share, their parents don't want them to share, etc?. Why should they even be asked to share this stuff? There are plenty of ways for kids to learn about themselves, learn to write, etc., that don't require them to share personal information.

Some of you are speaking as if you're fighting to protect your child from an FBI interview to be broadcast on TV. Or from a police lineup. Yikes. Your kids, whether they're yours through biology or adoption, can't be proud of themselves if their parents aren't proud of themselves and of these kids at the same time.

Not wanting to broadcast personal information does not equal not being proud of yourself or your kids.

There are just lines that should not be crossed and I think it's crossing a line to require that anyone, including a child, share this information. It's personal iinformation and people should be able to keep their personal information to themselves. There's no "yikes" about it. Actually, a lot of people should keep a lot more of their information private these days, imo. There's an epidemic of people sharing TMI.

Again, Elmer, just imagine adults being required to share this sort of information for their job. Then, imagine how that would go over. It wouldn't.

Veggie, I agree. I didn't particular;y like the assignment as it seemed to elevate those who had interesting backgrounds and deflate those who didn't.

Sabbath, than you for sharing something so personal.

The 11 year old, is only a year out of China, he went to bed crying cause when the 12 year old got to see his birth record of course he wanted to see his. Mom had to explain that no papers we’re given. We just got him to be ok with his scar from heart surgery. His father left him at a hospital, cause he could not pay. We know more about him then most do . We told him that was a love scar.his father gave him up so he could live. Also that it is ok to be Chinese as their country has many great things.

Children who come from exceptional circumstances or have any special needs, benefit from their parents discussing the issues that may come up with teachers and classmates early in the school year to head off any troubling questions.

I am so sorry your grandson went through this ordeal. I hope you can help reframe this situation. I hope he has adult Chinese people in his life to help him cope with his emotions as well. How we process things like shame and anger can be very culturally specific.

It doesn't really matter the cause, when our kids (or grandkids) are hurting, it hurts us like...well I can't think of an open forum appropriate word.

Anyway, I hear your vent, greenshoekitty, and I'm so sorry.

Perhaps doing this project (however they are able) will be the thing your grandkids will mentally keep with them...like their own story to keep.

Rita, the first 3 months home he would not speak or even admit to being Chinese. He told Chinese people that he was American not Chinese. Got that taken care of, that he is now American Chinese and we won’t send him back, cause we picked him and love him. Being 10 when he came to us he has a lot more baggage then the 7 year old that was 4 when he came but baggage they bring

I cannot imagine how hard this has been for that precious little boy and your family. You are an amazing and generous family to open your hearts this wide to so much ache.

I’m sorry your grandkids are going through this. As others have said, when our loved ones hurt, we hurt for them.

Each child is unique, but IMHO I don’t see anything wrong with the teacher’s assignment nor do I find it an invasion of privacy. It’s up to the parents to help guide the child to tell their story and share only what they are comfortable sharing.

Perhaps the children’s parents could address the situation with the teacher and school administrators to make the assignment more inclusive to allow each child to express their unique story.

I am an adoptive mother of a multi-racial (adult) child. Growing up my son had several such assignments in elementary and middle school. He blended what we know of his biological background with his adoptive family history and it worked out quite well.

I will say we had one incident in first grade when his teacher, upon meeting me for the first time, stated I could not be his mother because my son was ‘so dark’ and I am not. A discussion ensued with school administrators and I used it as a ‘teaching’ moment for the teachers, although I was extremely angry at the time.

"Elmer, just imagine adults being required to share this sort of information for their job."

You're right. In my white collar occupation, it only happened in some form (contents change with time) when interviewing for a job, when interviewing someone interviewing at my company for a job, when meeting a new colleague, when meeting a new customer or client, when going out on a proposal. Yes, not more than a few times each week, sometimes more.

I had to do it for the first time in elementary school and repeatedly after that, sometimes in writing, sometimes orally. By middle school, it was easy.

Elmer, there are laws about what can be asked when people apply for jobs. It sounds like you've been violating those laws if you're asking applicants all sorts of personal information during job interviews. I seriously doubt you have been personally asked about your birth weight, birth length, etc. at your job, and if you've been asking job applicants these sorts of things, that's just bizarre and inappropriate behavior on your part.

So you’ve been asked what your birth stats were a number of times then, @elmer?

I’m not saying that asking for such information in a school assignment should be viewed as though you’re being asked to reveal state secrets which will cause you to be branded a traitor and put to death, but maybe some kids have parents who meant to fill in that baby book they bought, just never actually got around to it. The lacking information or discomfort with revealing it is the concern and kids shouldn't have to be the ones hauling adult concerns/issues around.

I think people are taking these requests too literally. I don't believe any teacher expects children to bring in their legal papers, medical records or birth certificates.

Often parents keep baby book type info like the little card one gets sometimes with the sex weight, length and time of birth. Some hospitals give out certificates of birth that are keepsakes, not legal documents. Nobody is asking for adoption records. A lot of children born in this country won't have access to them either. Not having documents readily at hand isn't exclusive to adopted children.

These parents can talk about how they came to adopt these children and how blessed they feel. They can make the children feel worthy by their just being. What an adventure learning that the child's first big trip was to come to America from China. How can this be a bad thing?

A simple story line of the child's roots, birth, memories, milestones is all that's needed to fulfill the assignment. People are way over-thinking this.

I sorry this assignment triggered an emotional meltdown in the younger child. But the silver lining is that maybe this opens the door to having his questions answered. I understand the desire to protect a child from an bad past. But an 11 year old should be able to to have the adults in his life be trustworthy and honest with him. There is nothing worse than withholding things that will directly affect the child as he grows into an adult by protecting them from the truth. IMO hiding a child's past or sugar-coating it too much ends up doing harm. It sends a message to that child that there is something wrong with him. Children internalize things. It is up to the parents to set the record straight instead of leaving it up to the child's imagination. Anyone who thinks a teen won't resent the secrecy is kidding themselves. These children will be in high school in a few short years.

So maybe this assignment has a silver lining. The parents could take it as a wake up call to discuss things with their children before these things crop up. 12 and 11 will be adults in 6 and 7 years. Those years fly by.

I think that list of subjects were ideas of things to write/talk about, not an all inclusive "have to do". This is an opportunity to teach those young ones how to address situations where there is no data. That list of items is a framework about introducing ones self. Their tears may go away if they are given a different perspective on this assignment. A young child would cry with frustration if they were given an impossible assignment they could not answer, but others could - that would be seen as an unfair task and doom them to failure. Please show them a way to approach this assignment.

Lets look at the list and construct a sample reply.

Birth? How big? How long? Baby pics? !st bit trip (That I remember)?, etc.

I was born in China and records about my early life are missing. Maybe those never existed. I don't know. I was very young and do not remember much about that period. I do not have any baby pictures. Sometimes, I cry myself to sleep trying to remember what my biological mother looked like, but I can not. She must have loved me because she cared enough to keep me alive. I was alone without attention in an orphanage when an American Couple adopted me and now they are my parents and I have a home and a bed of my own and I have food.

I know that my date of birth is 02 Jun 2010 because that's what written on my adoption papers, but in China, the day I celebrate my birthday is 01 Jan. Everyone celebrates their birthday on New Year's Day. Officially, every one becomes one year older on the first day of the year. I was born in June 2010 therefore, officially, I became one year old in 01 Jan 2011. Now that I am in the US, I will celebrate my birthday on the day I was born, that is, the date on my adoption papers.

I remember a little about the flight from China to the States, but not much. I was very young, you see. I do recall being very scared about going inside of that very big, noisy, scary plane. It was my first time that I was every at an airport and was scared to death. I was worried of what to do if it got shot down, but most of all, I wondered how I was going to hold my water for such a long trip. No one told me about a bathroom on board. I was really worried about this and refused to drink before the flight. The adults thought there was something wrong with me and fussed over me, but I could not understand their language - It was a bunch of strange noises and they began to appear angry. I cried. I was sccaared. After the plane took off, I was surprised at how smooth it was and I must have slept for most of the trip for I don't remember anything more. I do recall being very sad on leaving my home country maybe forever. I would not see any of my friends again. But now, I have found new friends here.

Jemdandy, what a nice way to go, and I hope when it comes his turn to do a lessen ( and I am sure it will happen) that we have given him the security to write and read something like that to his class. Right now he is not at that point, but we are working on it . We just got him to sleep in his room alone 3 months ago, Not sure what all is behind the fear, but he does not cry himself to sleep about it any more. You just work on things day by day.

vegggie, saying to an interviewee "Tell me about yourself" is a valid and VERY permissible question.

watchme and jemdandy understand what others have missed who looked at this literally.

I'm dumbfounded about those who seem to be struggling with what this is all about. Consider this - a psychologist is speaking to an adult and asks "Tell me about things that happened to you this week that triggered a particular emotion or reaction". An adult can respond. If asking the same question of a child, it would help give examples or to say "Did something make you happy, or sad, or scared, or surprised, or.....". This is the same thing. Asking a child in so many words "tell me some of your biography or things about yourself" would hit and bounce off, the child wouldn't understand the concept. So, giving examples of what might be included in such a response helps channel the work to be done.

My kids had to write about themselves. Favorate color, fav food, pets? Siblings? What do you enjoy doing for fun. DOB. This is the very beginning process of them learning to write about a subject. What easier subject for most kids than themselves. But this sets them up for writing about other subjects. Tim has an assignment due right after the New Year. The teacher had a list of subjects the kids could choose from Tim chose The history of automobiles. Had he not been introduced first to an easy subject (himself) he wouldn't understand how to proceed with this assignment. Climbing the ladder....each step leads to more understanding.

mamapinky, That is the way I so wish the teacher would have done the lessen. Tell us about your self, and that could or could not have all this other stuff in it.

Watchme, Jemdandy, Mamapinky and Elmer get it.

I do get it, but I also understand the OP's point. That being said sooo many children have no background info about their birth ect. however as a parent, grandparent, or other caregiver its our responsability to find a way to do a work around. Not always easy, but can be accomplished. As the caregiver an important job we have is teaching these kids how to react to the situations in life. For instance disappointment is a big one..IMO its ok for a child to cry when they feel disappointment but not ok to yell, throw a tantrum or act out in a otherwise nasty way...our own response to disappointment will be our children's response. Just like our own response to every situation will be our childs response. In this situation the info ask by the teacher isn't available so figure out another way to do this assignment without making any deal out of it..or at least don't let the child know you feel angry or sad. I'm going to stop because I'm beginning not to make sense to myself. LOL.

I just want you all to know that we try very hard not to let the children know we are mad or sad , and to try to put a good spin on things so they can grow and learn to deal with the tough stuff (and the little stuff also.)

Aww Kitty I'm sure your a wonderful with the children I didn't mean to imply your not.

mamapinky you did not in any way imply any thing . I just wanted people to know we try very hard to put good spins on things when we can. Also mom will be having a long but teaching talk with the teacher and the school. at the other school they went to the teacher said she had never thought about those things being hard (and hurtful to some.

Thank You all for letting me vent, it is just hard some times when things could have been done in very simple ways so all the kids feel good about these kind of things. The 12 year old has been told (cause he was sad about it for his brothers) to do as much as he felt ok about and to tell his class the reasons why.

"tell me some of your biography or things about yourself would hit and
bounce off, the child wouldn't understand the concept. So, giving
examples of what might be included in such a response helps channel the
work to be done."

I don't disagree with this, but children can be very literal. For a child who is carrying a great deal of emotion and grief about their early life, hearing things that the teacher may think are only examples of many choices, the child could hear a list of things that are impossible for them to access or know about. It could seem insurmountable to them and forces them to face the grief that they may not be emotionally ready to delve into. It's not to be taken lightly for some of these kids. If the teacher had sensitivity about it, especially since she would know that some of these kids are adopted from another country and my not know their history (since so many children are abandoned before being placed for adoption), there could definitely be a better way to handle it. If you haven't experienced great trauma and grief as a child, you have no idea how much things can hurt and how few inner resources a vulnerable child has to deal with things like this.

I hope their mom is able to provide some enlightenment to her and that in the future some children will be spared this insensitivity.

This made me think of my niece. My brother and his wife adopted her from china,after having two biological children. They do know a bit of her story. She was abandoned on the street outside of a bakery. They adopted her at 18 mo.She is 8 now. What 8 year old wants to share that with her classmates? If they assigned her that,would she tell that story,or would she tell the story of her family,even though there is no biological tie? What a choice to have to make. And I imagine that kids today would not hesitate to point out that she is not biologically related to us. Ugh. The teacher really should have considered that assignment better.

This just bolsters my belief that homework is,and always has been,unnecessary and stupid.

Amy surely at such a tender age the child doesn't know she was actually abandoned.

The point is,mama,such an assignment might lead to her ask before it would have occurred to her to do so on her own,as she certainly will when she gets older. Then the question is,do they lie to her? It's her right to know,it true,but it's up to her parents to decide if and when to tell her while she is so young. It should not be up to some teacher.

ETA: It should be mentioned that she has no birth certificate,no baby pictures before my brother and his wife got her, they don't even know her birthday or if she is even really 8. They are going on an estimate from the orphanage and their pediatrician. They had to basically pick a birthday for her to celebrate. So an assignment such as the one OP described can be hurtful to children like her.

I read The Times (London) from time to time, and was very surprised a day or two ago, to see an article saying that schools are failing adopted children by not addressing their "special needs". Having a 13 yr old adopted grandson, I could not imagine how his needs are much different than those of any other 13 yr old boy.

My son and his children live in CT, but today was a huge treat for me as there was a huge water polo tournament Fri, Sat & Sun in Bloomington IN at IU. My daughter and her family and I drove up VERY early this AM and saw him play two games. I asked my son about this and he said that only rarely does DGS ask much about his adoptive parents and he could not imagine him having an "special needs" at school other than the extra tutoring he gets in math and language, neither of which has anything to do with his being adopted.

We live in a world that has a "cult of victimhood" and it appears to be adding more reasons to feel like a victim on a daily basis. I can't see that this serves anyone very well, including those who feel victimized. Surely there most adopted children were terribly wanted, something that some children living with their birth parents might not be able to say.

As to all this concern about privacy; the teacher is not posting this homework on Facebook! It's seen only by the class or perhaps other students who attend the school. And what is so secret and private about ones birth weight/height? I believe that birth records are PUBLIC records in most states, just as are marriage and death.

Most young children love hearing stories about when they were born and their babyhood. Jamie Lee Curtis wrote a wonderful book for adopted children: "Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born".

I had a similar situation. Parents flat out didn't want my daughter. Once she was told she was adopted she of course ask why her parents gave her up. I wasnt about to tell her the entire truth at such a young age so I told her...I took one look at you and loved you so much I just knew God wanted you to be my daughter.it was enough. But ya its a sensitive and gut wrenching choice we have to make.

But I do understand what your saying.

I don't think feeling left out because you simply don't have what your dense teacher is asking for (birth weight,baby pictures) is playing the victim. Nor do i think that her "unique story " should be a required school assignment. I don't think any child should have to do that. It's should be up to her what others know about her. I remember a boy in my class( I attended a tiny private Catholic school and graduated with the same people I went to kindergarten with, lucky for him) whos father was in prison for killing his mother. We did not know this about him until a required assignment forced him to reveal it in 5th grade. The school and the teacher knew it, and thought that it would be good for him. It was awful.

Children can be cruel, but so can adults. DD was asked in frount of the two boys if she had barowed the Chinese boys for the day(She and #1 son are white redheads.)Needless to say they were given quite an answer and the boys were reminded how much they were loved, and how rude and silly the person was.

I think sometimes people get hung up on the concept of truth. Children need to know the truth of the love that underpins their very existence.

They do not need to know every sordid detail about how they came into the circumstances of their lives (adoptive parents don't even know the whole truth about those circumstances anyway.)

As a species, we have a need to create a narrative around our lives. Those of us who have been entrusted with the care of children whose lives are difficult enough need to make sure an appropriate narrative is crafted for them.

Mamapinky has shown us all how to do that with grace and love and all the honesty that is necessary.

Even if an adopted child isn't actually physically"abandoned" (but some are), developmentally, they experience the loss of their mother as an abandonment. Anyone who thinks an adopted child's experience isn't a great deal different than one born into a family has a LOT to learn about separation and loss, identity and attachment. I feel very sorry for children whose adopted families don't educate themselves about the reality of the situation from the perspective of the child.

There's lots of rainbows and unicorn myths surrounding adoption and the industry of adoption in this country, as is evident in some of the posts here. Some of the others who've posted make it obvious that the children in their families have someone watching their backs in some of the complex issues those children face.

This isn't about victimhood, it's about the reality that some children face daily on their life's journey. And if people in those children's lives don't recognize it, well, I'm sorry for the children. No wonder that child doesn't mention it much. Children learn what is acceptable to their survival (the people tasked with raising them) and they adapt their behavior based on that. Educate yourself.

I can't help but be curious where you live. It sounds like a time travel back to fifty or more years ago. Few would give a second thought to mixed race families here. My blond, blue eyed grand kids are the minority in their schools. Even in the mommies groups there is ethnic diversity. Birthday parties look like UN meetings. Chinese kids embrace their culture here. Many go to Saturday school. (Chinese school)

I don't know how your family feels about religion, but Buddhist Temples welcome all. You can be a Christian and still go be part of the Buddhist community. Buddhism can be embraced as a philosophy rather than a religion. That could certainly help the boys find pride in their culture.

Over reacting to rude comments in front of the kids does not help them. (IMO) Like I mentioned before kids internalize things. Much better to walk away or reply with a "no I keeping them" and tell the kids how stupid the comment was. Put it on the other person but don't teach the kids to take a offense at every little stupid being they come across.

I don't think the problem was the fact that 2 of the children discussed by the OP were of a different race than the rest of the family. It was because the assignment was to share specific details of birth and early childhood that they did not have,while all the other kids did.

Amiee has lived the past 21+ years watching how cruel people can be. I've found that 99% of the cruelity comes from adults. is she an alien. ..can her legs turn green or orange...put her legs on her nose and she would be Rudolph. .and in her chair...are you lazy.....and to me...how dare you leave this child out to get such a sunburn...or the lady in a diner that leaned over Amiee and ask do your parents beat you...or ohhhh don't touch me....how about the **special** seat in the schools lunch room where no one was seated next to Amiee...think you can wear pants or tights on her so she won't be a distraction in school...looks like a new breed....why don't you keep her out of public no one want to look at that...Even in the KT when I posted a pic of Amiees legs...someone said it was disturbing photos.

Yet Amiee is NOT a victim. Not in her mind anyway. I learned many years ago how I react to these people is how my daughter will react. And even more important how I react will determine how she sees herself and how she feels about herself. I was not about to let her condition define who she is and I sure wasnt going to allow a bunch of ignorant strangers turn her into a victim crying herself to sleep and growing up feeling self pity.

Just because a child doesn't know their birth date or the sometimes horrendous beginning of their life does not mean we should turn them into victims...they can only look at themselves as victims if we the real parents turn them into victims. Or we can help shape them into happy carefree children...the choice is up to us.

Rita Thank you. I didn't see your comment until after I posted my last one.

Yes Amylou you are right. I said silly because stupid is not a word we use . The answer was more on the frame of one making the boys feel ok, and the person put in their place. Watchmelol we live in the p.n.w. In between Olychick and Bifenton.

I want to add I understand not all children come to adopted parents as infants. Some are older...some hurt in terriable ways...but its up to us the parents to love these children so much that we can eventually turn them into happy children and adults....I suppose I still believe that love, and sacrifice, will over come the bad, can turn hurt into happy.

I agree mamapinky !

Mama, I think that is a goal of most parents who adopt an older child and hopefully most are success stories. Bless all who try their best for these kids!

The mister and I are preparing and going through the process of becoming licensed foster parents. Kids all deserve a safe, stable, loving home and we will do our best to provide that to each one who comes through the door for as long as they are with us.

My sister is in a mixed marriage and her children of course, portray that fact. She lost count of how many times she was asked if she was the nanny or where were her children from, the assumption being that they were adopted.

Where I live, assumptions about the mix of a family had better not be made. One simply as no idea anymore and really - Does it matter or is it anyone's business.

greenshoekitty - You appear to be blessed with some marvelous grandchildren who are well loved and that's what counts.