So your daughters are withholding access to your grandchildren because your wife doesn't want to babysit them? Sounds like something is missing in this story. My kids' grandparents don't have the means to indulge their grandchildren materially, and they are elderly and inactive, but grandparents provide intangible benefits so much more important than entertainment. Growing up, I had one set of grandparents with a pool, they were active and had an energetic household. The other set were loving and gentle and milder in temperament. One grandma played tennis, the other liked to snuggle and sit and talk. I loved them both, and cannot imagine begrudging one set for not being like the other. The momma bear in me wonders if your wife isn't perhaps a source of worry to your daughters, making them concerned for their children's well-being in your home. An untrustworthy or unkind grandparent would be the only reason I can imagine that parents of young children would keep grandparents at arm's length. A pastor or family counselor can give you much better insight and strategies to foster a closer family dynamic.

Behavior #1 - sits in the living room with headphones on and plays video games for 4 to 14 hours. To me that is normal. Not the 14 hours but certainly the 4 hours or longer. Under the same conditions as your stepson, about to be on duty on a submarine, at his mother's house where he did not grow up, no friends in the area, that is exactly what I would expect my son to do. There are 21 year old men who play video games to unhealthy extremes but a 21 year old in the Navy on leave in my opinion is not in that place. Behavior #2 - I must be missing something here. That doesn't sound like eavesdropping to me. He has his earphones on, he can hear you with the earphones on, he laughs at a joke he overhears. That would not bother me and I wouldn't consider it eavesdropping if my son did that. Scratching his privates, monologues, not making eye contact, not saying goodnight or be right back, BSing, awkwardness petting the dog, chewing with mouth full, not waiting till everyone has their food, leaving a messy room, some young men are like this. I have known some awkward young men who turned out to be perfectly nice when I got to know them better. My son does not do these things but plenty of normal young men do. I realize these things are disconcerting to you. In our family we say goodnight or be right back...except my daughter for some reason didn't do this and I just let that one go, not worth it to me to bring it up. I think you are being unreasonable to expect your 21 year old son to observe and fall into that custom. The BSing will probably take care of itself over time as your son spends more time in the Navy. Other Navy men or women will probably call his hand on that one I would think, and that would be way more effective than anything your wife would say or do. The only thing that would really get to me on that one is the pacing up and down during dinner if that's a frequent occurrence. The note thing when he left sounds reasonable to me, at least at his own mother's house. I would expect my kids to write a nice, appreciative thank you note if they were guests in someone else's home but not at my home. If my son was in the Navy on leave, realized he had some things he needed to do and needed to get back to base quickly I would kick his butt for pausing to wake me up or write a long note. I wouldn't expect my son to wake the family up if he needed to leave unexpectedly. Behavior #3 - Your family is gregarious, he is not, he stifles the vibe at your house. You would be doing your daughter a favor if you teach her not to let those things bother her (and you). She has a lifetime of being around difficult people - college roommates, co-workers, possibly in-laws. It would be better for him if he learned how to join in, but it would be a gift to your daughter if you taught her that she cannot control others but she can control herself. It is also a gift to your daughter to learn to be inclusive and draw out difficult people in a way that is not overbearing. Not only is it the kind and decent way to be but also some people earn more money through their excellent soft skills. Behavior #4 - The person causing this problem with your daughter is your wife. As mentioned above, you, your wife and your daughter need to get family counseling for the 3 of you. He is your daughter's half brother, she shouldn't have to *entertain* him very often. Also, your daughter needs to be communicating these issues with her mother if she isn't already doing that. Your daughter sounds melodramatic to me for the situation you are describing. 16 year old girls (boys too) can be real drama queens, even if they were not that way as kids or young teens. Keep in mind your daughter will feed off your feelings and actions and our kids are very, very, very good at sensing what our feelings are even if we think we have kept them hidden. Families are messy, people are messy. This is a golden opportunity to teach your daughter how to deal lovingly, kindly, compassionately with awkward people while still doing what she needs to do to keep her own life reasonable. It is so much better if she has had experience with this before she goes off to college while you are there to act as a sounding board and sometimes a buffer. Sometimes our kids are in stressful, awkward situations that we want them removed from when really those very situations are going to prepare them for something down the road. What if your daughter has a stepson with Aspberger's one day, or a child with Aspberger's. Or a roommate or coworker. If I were your wife I would not sit down and talk to my son about Aspberger's or even much of this behavior you describe and I would embrace family counseling with you and your daughter. If I were you I would couch this to your wife in terms of going to a counselor to learn how to best help your stepson and also to help your daughter deal with this. For one thing it's true, your wife does need to go in order to learn how to best support your stepson and your/her daughter. I know you said previous visits over the years went fine but now they're not. That could be due to a lot of things. Maybe the visits are longer now, in which case you would see more issues bubbling up no matter how delightful he is. Maybe he is stressed from his college difficulties and now joining the Navy, perhaps doubting his path in life. Perhaps before both he and his brother visited together and he was more comfortable then or perhaps having his brother there masked some of his issues. I think your wife is correct that it is not her place and not yours to talk to him about possible Aspberger's Syndrome at this point in his life. It's not your place or hers to ask him to go get evaluated or tested; the time for that was years ago. It doesn't sound like any of you have a close relationship with him. The thing to do now is to build a good relationship with him. He probably really needs your support right now at this point in his life so this is a golden opportunity to build that solid relationship. Welcome him, love him, respect him as a person and a member of your family. If you do that then later on the time will come when you or your wife can broach some of your concerns. I am not hearing that he says mean things or sexually inappropriate things, not hearing that he steals things or destroys things. Not hearing anything about drugs or alcohol, nothing about him offering your daughter drugs or alcohol. Not hearing about him taking your car and wrecking it or constantly hitting you up for money. This does not sound like an awful situation to me, just a situation that is awkward and uncomfortable. You know, your daughter is going to have awkward and uncomfortable situations with family in her future whether your stepson visits or not. What kind of person do you want her to be? If you want her to believe that family is important even if it's awkward or uncomfortable then model that for her. What if her husband doesn't like you, do you want her to expect that her husband will still be thoughtful and considerate to you? If so, then model that for her with your stepson. Last, if I were you I would go to counseling with your daughter and give her some time to talk to the counselor by herself. Your daughter could be melodramatic because she's feeding off your emotions, because she's just going through a drama queen phase right now, because she's upset about something else in her life and projecting it onto this situation. But there could be things she isn't telling you or your wife that are valid concerns. Whatever you decide, I hope and wish the best for all of you. It's not easy knowing the right thing to do sometimes.

I’m sorry to say, I can’t see any future for this relationship Yeah, I have to agree. Your expectations are unreasonable. I've heard that women marry thinking they can change a man into what they want him to be ... and men marry women thinking they'll never change ... and both groups are wrong. The issue with which you're dealing will never change; he will always be that boy's father. I actually do applaud you, however, for looking a little deeper into your feelings and realizing that what you really want is a partner for yourself with no children Very much so. Right now you have choices. Once you're married -- okay, you still have choices, but they come with much bigger consequences. You’re jealous of a four year old who only sees this “great dad” once every month or two, and you’re asking if this marriage will work? Seriously? Yeah, "great dads" are more involved than that. I'd also question how the ex-wife received full custody -- unless something bad has happened, couples tend to share custody. However, you're wise to recognize and question these feelings. I'm 23 and he's 32 Don't discount the fact that you're still very young, and 9 years age difference is a part of this equation. You still have your 20s ahead of you -- all those exciting firsts in terms of career and home, whereas he's in his "settling down to a routine" years. Having been through both these phases of life, both were wonderful, but I am very glad my husband and I were in the same phase at the same time. We recently got engaged and moved in together ... I'm scared that I'm making the wrong choice here and walking into a lifetime commitment that is stressful. Red flags: You know that living together before marriage increases the chances of divorce later? And people who've already divorced are more likely to divorce again? Added to those unhappy facts, you're concerned about whether you're going in the right direction. These are big red flags. The introspection to which you're subjecting yourself is a good first step -- is this what you really want? I'd say come clean with him -- tell him how you're feeling, tell him you're questioning your choices. I'd move out. Not break up, but move out. It'll be easier to examine your feelings with a little space between you. Once you're SURE, then make a decision -- either go ahead and get married, or say goodbye. I feel like crying and a little hurt every time he talks to his son on the phone. This is a very strong reaction to a small thing. How are you going to react when you're merging your finances and you see a portion of his paycheck going to this child? When you're going back to work when your child is eight weeks old, and you're thinking you could stay home if not for that payment? How about when that child has a first day of school? When he has to decide whether to attend his son's baseball game or your new child's dance recital? When the son's mom's rules don't match your house rules and discipline is hard? When your child gets a car for his 16th birthday and the older son says, "No fair -- why didn't I get one?" When you plan a vacation and the older child doesn't want to go with you and won't say why? These are the things I hear my stepmother-friends talk about, and they're a whole lot more complicated than a phone call. It's also tough to be the child in that situation. Ask yourself truthfully if you empathize with the child -- as his stepmother, you'll have to be able to do that. He said that he never really loved his ex wife and that he was unhappy in their relationship. And you believed that? Do you really think he was so foolish as to marry someone he didn't love (or at least didn't think he loved)? He's telling you what you want to hear -- or you're hearing what you want to hear. You need the truth, whether it's comfortable or not. got herself pregnant Biologically impossible. You're looking to make the other woman the scapegoat, but it takes two to get pregnant. Either -- again -- he's telling you what he thinks you want to hear, or you're hearing what you want to hear.

"Gray is not a happy color at all." It is for me! It's so subjective. And actually, beige and off-white are the colours of institutionalized care. Hospitals, schools, old folks homes, courthouses: all beige, and all known for being decidedly un-homelike. I've never been to jail but I've seen plenty of photos of the interiors of jails and they come in all colours, particularly beige.