Make sure he has a living will, that you have a healthcare power of attorney and make sure the power of attorney you do have is a durable one. Also, if you are the one inheriting his assets on his death, you should talk to a lawyer about a revocable trust. While it won't protect you from probate, it allows you to manage his assets before probate so you don't have to wait until after probate before you have the power to say, sell his house. I would think that's better than having your name on his bank account. Rather as the trustee upon his death, he can retain control of all his assets until then.

In my state, his financial guy would not be the person to see, you and your father should see a estate planning lawyer. The financial guy makes you father money, the estate planning lawyer creates a living trust. As I was writing this response, Annie's reply appeared. Some of her comments are invalid in my state.

Sueb you dads finance person should refer you to a licensed estate planning attorney.

In my state as well, a trust does eliminate probate.

I ditto, and strongly that you see an estate planning attorney.

They can guide you every step of the way.

I'm not sure if any of this will help but when my Mother died my father moved in with us. We spoke to our estate planning attorney and he advised us to make an appointment with one of the elder law attorneys in his office too. She was very helpful and explained everything in a way that my Dad understood. He decided to follow her advice and since his estate was uncomplicated and modest he was able to put it all in my name. He lived with us for 5 years and when he passed away I didn't have to do anything - no probate, no legalities - it was easy.

Maire_cate, that was good planning. I just talked to my dad's estate lawyer today to clarify some POA stuff, and I think I'd like to make an appointment with him to really understand the trust stuff. This kind of thing is so not my strong suit!

If you don't end up taking the steps for a trust, please have his will reviewed by an independent third party. Pay for an hour of their time. My dad had a will, drawn by an attorney, which looked perfectly straightforward to us commoners. But it had a HUGE gotcha that I'm sure Dad didn't understand. And I was told by several people, other attorneys and court people, that his will was weird and poorly written.

Although Dad had his stuff in good order, our family never discussed those things. I wish we had talked things over. Thanks for the reminder, DH and I need to do this with his parents.

Since you live a distance away, set up online banking/investment accounts and online accounts with utilities and credit card companies. Do the same with Medicare, health insurance, and life insurance. Some doctors use patient portals now. Having access might be handy someday. If your father already has online access to these things, you need to know the password. I found it helpful to be able to check that bills were being payed and banking accounts/investments were handled wisely. Definitely have your name added to all his financial accounts. By this I mean having the holders of the accounts listed with an "and", so they are joint accounts. I do not mean that you are a trustee or beneficiary. Read the life insurance policy. Find out if your father has long term health insurance.

The financial adviser will know the laws governing probate in your father's state. His estate might not need to be probated if his income is less than income level set by the state.

My husband has POA for his mother. They are very specifically called medical and financial.

After taking care of this financial stuff, it may be the time to discuss your father's ideas about his life style if he ever is unable to live in his house independently.

It's a lot and it's exhausting. I would make a list and little by little make my way through it.

Yes, there may be ways of avoiding probate with a trust, but unfortunately my state is extremely grabby. And because her FL lawyer screwed up and didn't make a pour over will which would have put ALL of her assets into the trust upon her death, I had to probate her car in this state which was not in the trust. As a result, they taxed me on the entire value of her estate including what was in the trust and her FL property as well. So I got hit hard, but at least I was able to manage and sell her properties right away.

So I agree, a good estate lawyer is essential. Probably more so than a financial advisor.

Though the financial advisor can help you understand his income sources, where his assets are, what kind of income they are generating, how risky the investments are, making sure they are well diversified and what kind of spend down you could afford for how long should he need nursing care, etc. But if he doesn't already have a financial advisor, unless his assets are large and complicated, you can probably figure that out on your own simply from his income tax return.

This is his regular financial advisor who he's been seeing for years; I think once a year? I'm really in the dark on much of the details because we don't talk about this stuff. He doesn't have tons of money -- worked at a low-paying job during his career, now works PT. But I'm guessing he has more than I expect because he never spends any of it! No travel (except with us, and we pay), house has been paid off for years, etc.

Annie -- I think he lives in your state, based on my recollection from earlier discussions.

I guess we'll start here, and plan a future visit with an attorney -- I googled and there's one in his town who sounds good but I'll get my dad to ask around for personal recommendations. Financial guy might also have recommendations.

Thanks all -- I'm taking notes!

PS he does nothing online and would probably be reluctant to start. Not even sure he has a debit card. Also, to answer an earlier question -- no step siblings.

I was struck by this comment Sue:

"I finally had to have a reality check with him and asked that we get together specifically to talk about what happens if he becomes incapacitated or dies."

He may not become incapacitated but he will die-not trying to be harsh but it's one of the toughest aspects of our relationship with aging parents, and anyone I suppose. Nobody wants to face the fact that we are all mortal and we all will definitely die someday.

As others have pointed out, you need to see a good estate planning attorney. Not sure what Annie is referring to but in Florida at least a trust does mean no probate for the assets within, so I'd definitely get all that sorted out.

One last comment about power of attorney--as the silly meme puts it, nowadays I do not think it means what (the genera) you think it does :). In the past few years with the increase in litigation and CYA policies, the POA that was a sheet of notarized paper basically saying 'let X take care of everything for me, thanks Y' is no longer useful. Most banks, financial institutions etc want to have specific POA documents activated for THEIR services. We encountered that when dealing with a friend's financial affairs a few years ago. In his last weeks, we had a lot of issues getting funds released to my husband who had one of those blanket POAs. So I'd also suggest setting up those documents wherever he banks or invests. That might be where the financial planner can be useful.

Running, I'm not a doofus. Poor choice of words on my part. Obviously I know he's going to die someday.

Thanks for the POA clarification.

I was able to write checks for my parents, with just a POA. I was never on their accounts, but if you are on the account, the money becomes yours on his death. Since you are an only child, you don't have to account for other beneficiaries.My father had some stocks, but the bulk of his money was in CD's/savings with a TOD designation for my mother, then my brother and I. When he passed, we were able to keep the TOD, so when he died, my brother and I just went to the bank with a death certificate and removed the funds. No probate. We were also able to add a survivorship to his vehicles, so those automatically transferred. The only thing we had to probate was his houses, but if your father adds you as survivor to any real estate holdings, those too will transfer.

A revocable trust is very popular in some southern states, like Florida, but I know from personal experience, that it doesn't allow one to avoid probate in other states, like NJ, if an elderly family member moves there, to be close to children, for example. It just complicates matters, unfortunately.

Maybe things have changed over the years but a durable POA was all that was needed for me to manage my mom's affairs when she became too ill to manage on her own. And after my dad passed (10 years previously), she added me to her bank account as a joint owner. She was not a wealthy woman but did have a modest savings as well as owning both her house and car free and clear.

The durable POA gave me contol over medical decisions and the ability to sell or otherwise dispose of her assets with just my signature. As we moved her into an assisted living facility, we did need to sell the house and car to pay for that expense and that was done prior to her passing and as noted, wth just my signature.

In addition to the POA, I was also designated as her executor, something that ticked my older brother off to no end!! (both older siblings did not get along well with mom and neither paid her much attention in her later years so her relying on me for emotional support and other issues was to be expected). I did hire an attorney after her passing to deal with the estate issues. When he informed my brother that under joint tenancy, her money was now legally my money, I though he would blow a gasket!! However, it was always mom's intent that her estate would be divided equally between the 3 of us and so specified in her will and so that was the way it was handled.

I would agree that checking with an elder care attorney or one that handles estates and trusts would be a smart move. Regulations will vary from state to state.

I have not read through all of the responses yet but from my experience having gone through this as an only child and now having lost both my parents:

Have a living trust and the POA, living will etc.

What about funeral arrangements. My parents had made those and had them paid for which helped me so much especially being an only child.

I also kept a list of all medications they took as we had many trips to the hospital. Also all doctors being able to share information.

If he has any insurance policies etc are you listed as the beneficiary if that is his wish? It was a pain with one of the insurance policies my dad had as my mother who had been gone for several years was still listed as the beneficiary.

It is hard to talk about all of these things but when the time comes you will be glad you did.

Another thing I just remembered: if he owns real estate, check how his state works. In NC, your home is NOT part of your estate. Virtually everyone we mentioned this to, said "huh??" The home transfers outside of probate, directly to the heirs. As such, no estate funds can be used to get it ready for sale. My dad had plenty of funds to fix up his house, but I was told I couldn't use them, I'd have to use other money. WHAT other money??? We could have come up with it, but it seemed ridiculous given that he had the funds, and we'd inherit them anyway.

Something worth checking into, if it's relevant to you.

Ah yes, POA. I remember being stunned by how, when it came to handling her money at financial institutions, I needed up to date POAs and all for MIL...they were very particular and some wanted updates to make sure the POAs were still in force. But when it came to paying her bills for her, anything goes! Just so long as they get their money!!

sueb, you and I both live in the same state which is notorious for being "grabby" when it comes to probate.

I am on some of my dad's major bank accounts as the "POD" person, "payable on death" and also can write checks on them, etc. since they are joint accounts. I don't write checks or do anything other than just watch them for something unusual, but I could. I also have the contact information of all of his financial advisors who manage his stock accounts, money markets, insurance and taxes.

What has worked for me with my dad is to ask him to take care of things now while he is with-it so if something happens I don't have to have that burden. My dad is very patriarchal, so he figures he needs to take care of things since it will be so hard for me to do it. In a way he is right. I'm not sure it will be "hard" so much as time consuming. So anything to ease the burden now is a win win. It's not a death watch, it is just good emergency planning for any situation!

Ohhh Annie I thought you were in the same state as my dad. Guess not.

Ha! I'm still dealing with probate for my grandmother's estate and she passed away 2/1/2016. Yes 2016. We've been to probate court twice, so far. I am so ready for it to be over with! In our case we did not have to probate the house, but the funds. Anyhoo, I had a POA for my grandmother that was several pages long, very detailed. I could make any financial/business, etc. decisions, even selling of property. I never had to get anything different for anyone I dealt with. It was drawn up by an attorney. My sister had her medical POA (she is in the medical field). We've done the same for my dad. Having your name on the bank accounts doesn't mean you get all the money - if you dad has designated other beneficiaries. In our case there is a trust set up for one party and there is also a foundation that is a beneficiary. Legally, I was told I could keep all the money because my name was on the account(s). BUT, the will stated otherwise and of course I want to do what my grandparents (grandfather died first) wanted! If I had kept the money, others could have taken me to court - siting the will (and rightly so). With the POA I had, I was able to sell stock (our financial advisor advised me to do this BEFORE her death) and then re-invest an annuity that cashed out due to her age (she was 98 when she passed). I agree with pinkmountain. Ease the burden now. I never knew how much time settling an estate could take.

You should google "Survivor's Guide" or "What My Family Needs to Know"... I asked my Mom to fill out one of these, I already had a lot of the financial information, but there is so much more you should know about your Dad. Congrats for doing this now!

Pam, thanks for the reminder -- someone else had told me about that document too. I found it, printed it out, and will mail it to my dad tomorrow. Good info there.

Talk to one or more attorneys about the idea of a living trust My dad set one up and was told it would be so much easier for us. But it was an over-engineered mess that made things more difficult and more expensive than if I had gone through probate. The lawyer who prepared it was more interested in selling services and making sure the survivors had to come back for more than what my parents really needed. I had to fir her and hire another attorney. All three I interviewed said their was no reason for a living trust and that is was more expensive. It actually got in the way of my being able to help him near the end. In our first meeting with the new attorney I hired, she told me she wouldn't' have set up a trust like my dad had without an estate probably reaching $50 million. We weren't even close. I understand things vary by state -- just don't pay for things you don't need.

When we moved to PA from CA, we met with a lawyer to rewrite our wills and get a new trust set up. The attorney and his partner both said that the process here is so very different that we do not need trusts. They explained to us exactly how our son would deal with our assets and that probate here is not at all like in California. So even tho he could have sold us a lot more services, he did not.

Annie and Sue, I know you both and you live in 2 diff states AFAIK

My parents lived in MO and we put everything in a trust so no probate. Unfortunately, we forgot to include her car. Had to probate that before we could sell it. My late husband avoided his estate having to be probated by everything being in joint ownership with me with right of survival.