Should I be worried about father?

14 years ago

Mom died of cancer. My 85-year-old father was her primary caregiver for the year she was sick. They were married a very long time.

Within months, dad became involved with the woman who cleaned their house every other week for the last few years and has essentially given her and her adult children hundreds of thousands of dollars in financial aid. In exchange, his name is included on the deed to her house.

Dad has been keeping the relationship and financial aid a secret from his entire family. About a month ago, I pieced a few things together and asked him. He says it is "almost as if mom told her [the housekeeper] to look after me" and mom "would have wanted me to help her" financially [she told him she was about to loose her house]. He also mentioned he is thinking about marrying her because, "she knows what I'm like" [the housekeeper chatted a lot with mom, who liked to talk], "has done my laundry for years" and "so we can be together."

After that one conversation with him, dad doesn't want to talk about the relationship and never brings up this women's name. I've suggested we all get together, but he seems to want to keep the families apart. I've told him I support his having a relationship and eventually remarrying--that I want him to be happy--but that I worry this is a vulnerable time for him.

Dad is sharp, active and works part time because he enjoys it. He is financially well off. I'm worried that his grief has made him vulnerable and this person is taking advantage.

I understand the adage, women grieve and men replace, but something doesn't seem right to me.

Should I be worried or should I back off because it is his life?

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (5)

Burtsmomforever
14 years ago
My parents' neighbor, a man I've known my entire life, lost his wife after her illness of a couple of years. Within a few months he was married to a woman we found out he'd evidently been seeing either before his wife's illness or met during the illness. To say the least I was SHOCKED! He is about the same age as your father. I haven't talked to his children about it, but he signed his home to the kids and walked away to be with the other woman.
If it were my father, I would be concerned because he is not able to make good decisions due to a stroke and several illnesses. But you describe your father as a competent person. I'm sure he misses your mother and wants companionship. This person might be looking for financial support, and knowing your parents for a few years obviously knows your father can provide it. If you are worried that she is going to take everything from your father, maybe you should just talk to your father to ask the questions you are wanting answers to.
My father is 83 and we have a good relationship, I can say pretty much what's on my mind and he can do the same. If one of us gets mad or gets our feelings hurt, we are adult enough to let that be known too so we can find compromise even if we disagree.
I guess what I am saying is if I were in your position I would go to my father and tell him my concerns and hear his side. If he has valid enough points for you, then let it be his life.
I am at my parents' house several times a week and don't always call before I go, maybe you could drop by when you are in the neighborhood and catch the both of them at home and you can have your get together, even if it's impromtu.
Good luck with whatever you choose.
asolo
14 years ago
"...given her and her adult children hundreds of thousands of dollars..."

The principal is common enough but the amount is astonishing. If you say he's still "still sharp" well, OK, but if he is he should know this. And, if he's sharp, he'll acknowledge and accept the necessity of having a conversation with his heirs about it. He would know something like this would be bound to raise eyebrows if not suspicions.

If there's so much wealth that "hundreds of thousands of dollars" is no big deal, then please disregard. I've never moved in circles where such an amount is considered trivial. I would be worried.....especially about what comes next.
Related Discussions
What I worried about needlessly and should have worried about mor
Q
Comments (18)
Okay, off topic, Sally, please, please do a new post, for your reveal. I do enjoy all the white kitchens but for many reasons did not do one myself; we non-Somethin's Gotta Give remodelers need more inspiration photos! Was that Costa by the way? It's gorgeous! On topic: When one measurement changed, I did not think through how that impacted the rest of the plan. Despite research on the web and the store, when I received my microwave trim kit, the cabinet needed to get deeper than planned. I figured out pretty last minute that we now had a tiny unacceptable walkway and we moved the fridge over. We were so busy congratulating ourselves on our narrow escape, but the ride wasn't over. I didn't think about the 3 upper spacious cupboards that would now be microscopic when installed. The cabinet maker cut me a pretty good deal to redo that set with fewer but bigger doors. He definitely went above and beyond, and given what everyone else has posted about contractors, I am so very grateful that it got corrected as it did. Another one I did not think about soon enough was making a Ceiling and Texturing Plan. This is not the same as a Lighting plan, although lighting obviously figures into the equation. We did parts (not all) of this project DIY. We hadn't realized some areas that we needed to mud better because they would not be covered by tile or cabinet (ie above the window) and he had to add some hot mud last minute. Given the contractor we got (a personal rec), that was only a small upcharge. Also, be aware that once your texturing is underway, the room is sealed off. You can't supervise unless you are sealed in too. I would send in a big map or go over it with blue tape that you remind him to pull off before he starts that area. Like another poster, I also did not figure out that I wanted my ceiling light hung from a different position. I will not retexture, my husband is adamant that I find a table fixture that can be hung to correct position by a chain and a hook. It is what it is. The height and exact placement of the hood was not ideal. I was adamant that it be within the manufacturer's specs so that it worked properly. However, there were several inches of leeway within those guidelines. Have everyone pretend to be cooking and see what they think. It should have been higher to avoid my husband bumping his head. He is learning. But that was definitely a mistake.
...See More
should I worry about the quality of 2x4s ?
Q
Comments (50)
Are you saying no one knows what grade of studs were used or that they refuse to tell you? It is the responsibility of the builder to prove that he met the contract spec, not yours. This is where I would be explaining how to be sure the next requisition for payment will be approved. I don't understand what the concern is about the beam in the window opening. Obviously the exterior face of the opening is covered with plywood sheathing and I assume that will be covered with some kind of weather/air-barrier and/or cladding. I don't see anything in the photo that suggests that work won't be completed properly but you should follow through to be sure. As for bracing, the end of any beam must be prevented from rotating when loaded. I suppose it's required by code but any experienced carpenter should know to do it. Offering blanket criticism about the quality of work from a few photos isn't helpful. Until someone tells me the grade of the lumber, I can see nothing wrong with the work other than an absence of more conservative connection detailing and, of course, nailing at the post. Counter-sunk Timberloc screws from each side would be fine if they are 4" or longer. I've seen the best carpenter's I know make worse mistakes.
...See More
Should I be worried about my Red Maple Tree?
Q
Comments (4)
its probably growing too fast due to excess fertilizer from the lawn.. not much to do about that.. unless you do your own fert'g.. if so.. just dont fert on the far side of the sidewalk ... tree time is counted in decades.. if you are going to cut the top off.. whenever it looks weird.. then you.. well.. just dont... let it do its own thing.. the only pruning this tree will ever need is from the bottom if you need to walk under it.. etc ... or removal of any other damage.. these are rather carefree trees.. so dont make them something else.. ken
...See More
Should I be worried about this tree?
Q
Comments (9)
It looks pretty bad. The heartwood is rotted out completely and as mentioned, could've been struck by lightning, or something else. What's happening is the outside sapwood and cambium layers are still alive, and they will add a new layer of sapwood to the hollow trunk year after year. Depending on how long it has been this way will determine how strong it has become since the damage was done. Sapwood does harden off, turning into heartwood after a few years and hollowness is not an unusual trait for many trees that are many years old. If it falls, it will be most likely during a storm with strong winds so the biggest concern is, if it falls will it damage anything valuable? A tree 14" diameter can be removed if you have any experience about these things and have the equipment/tools to do the job. The biggest danger in a residential area will be power lines one might encounter. Or if the tree is tall enough to fall on something of the neighbors, past your yard perimeters. If you have a pole saw and can start at the top, removing smaller upper portions of the branches in pieces, is the safest way, until the tree is short enough it can be dropped within the area around it. If it's larger than it appears in the picture, then some certified help would be in order. A picture of the whole tree would help to see what things look like.
...See More
eppinghouse
Original Author
14 years ago
No. Close to 200k is a big deal. He is usually VERY frugal, but now says he doesn't need the money and it's his to do what he wants with. I agree with his second claim, but not his first--he might need the money down the road. I'm guessing he cleaned out most of his cash flow, although he has other less fluid but considerable assets.

This is why I am wondering if his behavior is related to grief, loneliness and/or a sense of mortality--and he might pull out of it.

I'm torn between protecting him and our family and not getting in the way of his happiness.

BurtsMomForever- I wish I had the close relationship you have with your father. You are very lucky--although somehow I don't think it's all "luck." :)
Burtsmomforever
14 years ago
eppinghouse,
No it's not luck that my parents and I have a good relationship. We have spent years pulling and tugging for our own opinions but always managed to come together as a family when necessary and with the loss of my little sister a year ago and the loss of my son 7 months ago, and the loss of their health in the past year they rely on me and it is my pleasure to help them. I'm 53 and they finally have begun to treat me like an adult instead of a 12 year old!
I still say, even risking more distance from your father I would talk to him and make sure that he has at least something set back that his new woman and her family can't get to in case he needs to go into a nursing home, assisted living or other retirement place, or even need in-home care. That is very expensive. Is there someone who is close to your father that he will listen to who would go with you to visit your father and talk to him? A doctor, lawyer, accountant or good friend of the family?
Family dynamics are always difficult, especially when there is not a close, trusting relationship where opinions can be voiced without judgement.
I do not envy you your quandry and I wish you lots of luck in figuring out how to go about talking with your father.
asolo
14 years ago
If he's legally competent he can, indeed, do what he chooses. However endowing strangers in-blood with assets of this magnitude is certainly suspicious.....his giving such amounts and they accepting them. I think there is ample reason for concern.

Also, you might consider digging deeper. Have there been any documents drafted....Powers of Attorney, etc.....which would be a very grave concern if I were in your shoes? Can you talk with your dad? Is he open to you?

Should I be worried about father?

Comments (5)

Burtsmomforever

asolo

Related Discussions

eppinghouse
Original Author

Burtsmomforever

asolo

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

Should I be worried about father?

Comments (5)

Burtsmomforever

asolo

Related Discussions

eppinghouseOriginal Author

Burtsmomforever

asolo

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

eppinghouse
Original Author