I can't say that I've dealt with depression from being lonely. I do believe I do suffer from mild depression though. Do you currently take any medication for depression?

I think many of us from time to time experience what you are feeling. I usually try to do something active. I go to the gym, walk my dog, have exercises that I can do at home if need be. I try to get involved in a good book.

Have you tried going to a therapist? I have from time to time. She is a good sounding board when I don't want to talk to a friend or family member about concerns that I am having.

I have been fighting depression most of my adult life. It's situational, not physiological. The doctor a long time ago prescribed Prozac, but it was a disaster. I get out of depression primarily by throwing myself into work.

Depression and feelings of loneliness are common but can also be very serious. Both medical help and counselling may be needed to help you feel better.

Please be proactive and maybe start with a visit with your personal physician. Good luck.

Since being widowed 4 yrs ago I am alone a lot. I try to keep busy doing things or sometimes I go somewhere. Many times it may just be the grocery store but it helps. That is going to be harder for me when winter comes because I hate the cold. I too find it helpful to get engrossed in a good book and love ebooks from the library.

Yes, to going someplace. I agree with you, Rose. Have a list of things that need to be done. Create a schedule for doing them each day.

Sometimes not having something planned or something to look forward to can trigger down feelings.

Caring thoughts for those who have dealt with the loss of a spouse or SO.

Usually I am a positive upbeat person. Lately I have had bouts of depression attributed to medication's side affects. What has helped me when I'm in one of those "slumps" is I give myself permission to feel that way for that one day. I resolve the next day will be better, I will do better and make plans to be productive. Don't know if that makes sense or not. What I mean is I'll say to myself " today I feel down so I will mope around the house, probably not get dressed but tomorrow I will get up, shower, do my hair and makeup and do a,b, and c. This has worked well for me and doesn't allow me to be in a sad state for an extended period of time.

I am blessed with a pretty sunny disposition. My mother and step-father had a sub-optimal marriage and that threw my mother into trouble with feelings of depression, so I spent a good deal of time thinking about the subject and reading up. So here are my personal, completely unprofessional thoughts on the subject.

I believe that for the most part how we feel stems from how we think. That idea is the underpinning for cognitive behavioral therapy. The psychiatrist David Burns wrote a wonderful book called Feeling Good about how to apply this approach to our every day lives. I read that book when I was in middle school as my mother struggled to feel better herself, and it made a huge impact on me. I cannot recommend this book highly enough. Dr. Burns discusses the premise behind CBT and also share case studies and exercises to do on your own.

I am also a firm believer in the importance of mental hygiene. I think people need to get enough sleep, get enough exercise (I walk or run three to five miles per day) and keep track of their feelings so that they notice the things that cause them small amounts of anxiety and discomfort (I do that by keeping a very brief journal and meditating for five minutes every night- nothing strenuous or complicated.) Maintaining awareness of the situations that give us even the slightest amount of discomfort helps us address problems in our lives when they are still manageable. Feelings of loneliness or jealousy, anxiety or remorse usually signal something needs correction. If we notice as soon as possible, then we have a smaller mess to clean up.

I realize there are people for whom these measures are insufficient. The sister of a dear friend of mine had to have electroconvulsive therapy to redress her deep depression and suicidal thinking. Interestingly though, her mental hygiene regimen is the same as mine now.

Before taking any psychoactive medicines, I would explore all other options. The studies of the effectiveness of Prozac and its myriad of cousins are mixed at best. And as with any medication, there are always trade-offs to make, so it is much preferable to find a non-pharmaceutical option if possible.

With respect to combating loneliness, have you considered finding a service opportunity? That way you could be of help to people, which is both sociable and meaningful. There are many opportunities from helping children to seniors, being hands on with people to working behind the scenes in organization. There are food pantries and soup kitchens, reading programs and immigration advocates all of whom could use a helping hand.

I think people crave meaning and connection in their lives. Voluntarism helps provide both those conditions.

Here you can find a TEDx Talk Dr. Burns gave in Reno https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H1T5uMeYv9Q

Here is his website https://feelinggood.com

Here are guided meditations from UCLA http://marc.ucla.edu/mindful-meditations

I hope you feel better soon. Please feel free to DM anytime you may want to chat.

I was never lonely before my Florida excursion last year. But since, I had it now and then.

In May I decided to rent a room to Charlotte. This is working GREAT. I am not alone all day AND evening long. But we haven't even lived together for a whole month yet... as she moved in while I was out.

On the other hand, it is working out nice so far.

Sometimes I wish I had never gone to Florida.... but if I hadn't, I would always wonder the WHAT IF! I was just never lonely... and I was quite lonely and miserable the rest of last year.

Now, I make AWESOME plans... and get out more, and have Charlotte.

I hope, you can find a way to dump the loneliness.

Moni

I've just re-read your post and want to add that if you feel lonely even after spending time with friends and family, is there a chance you feel that way because you are not feeling understood by them? Is there something going on in your life that you feel you can't share with others and it is a source of frustration? Being with a person is cold comfort if that person fails to meet you psychologically or spiritually or whatever you want to call it.

If that is the case, I am sure we can all brainstorm some ways of getting you heard and understood.

Thanks for all the responses. To answer a few questions-yes, I am on medication and have been for many years. I have a fairly active social life mostly with other single women close to my age. I have been in therapy on and off for as long as I've been on meds although have not been for about the last two years. I was in a good group setup and that ended when the social worker who led the group retired. I do know that I seem to have trouble with the seasons changing and have an idea that is what is causing this right now. I just spent a week with my family at the beach and am going on a cruise in October so I do have things to look forward to. Irma,Im going to try your approach of only allowing one day to lay around (it has been three daysthis time) . Thanks to all of you. I know this slump will pass but it is always good to hear what others do.

I feel I am mildly affected by the low light of winter. February and March were especially dreary to me when we lived in the Midwest. We used to come to Southern California after Christmas till spring before the kids were in school. That was our vacation time, and DH could work from anywhere that he could get a computer. Since then I have learned about light therapy, but long ago we moved permanently to Southern California, and that took care of it.

nothing to add that the others haven't already said Satine-I know what you are going thru-sending you long distance ((((Hugs))))

My sister was diagnosed with seasonal depression...so it does happen.

Satine, I know it's not easy, but it seems like you're doing some really positive things to help yourself work through it. When it comes to something like this, it's all about having the mental tools to help you recognize there is a problem and being brave enough to take the steps necessary to find a solution. I applaud you for reaching out if for no other reason than to know that you are not alone and there are others here that find themselves in a similar situation.

Another thing you can try is to look into doing some volunteer work helping with a cause that speaks to you on a personal level.

Satine, I hope my method is as effective for you as it has been for me. Before I gave myself "permission" to really experience how I was feeling, my low points would last for extended periods as well, almost like a habit. Since I make a promise to myself, and keeping a promise is important to me, forcing myself in a gentle way to do better has been a lifesaver. Before I realize it, I am actually enjoying whatever activity/ies I have undertaken.

Good luck and hope to get an update from you.

I hope that you feel better soon Satine, but if not, please find a new therapist or group. Sometimes we need to admit that we need some help to get over a hurdle. {{{Hugs}}}

Some things that are negative like tv news can be depressing. If the tv is on all the time, try some music instead. Some people find social media uplifting and others get discouraged. It may seem like everyone else has a better life, having more fun , etc. People are social, so regular face to face contact is better than online or phone for lifting spirits. Working toward goals is a other mood builder. Progress always builds confidence and good feelings. Exercise releases feel good chemicals. It could be as simple as bouncing on a small trampoline. Most people say their mood improves as they work on their health.

Sadness is a hard place to be. Little diversions help but best of all is to have a purpose and feel valued. Every person is important and can make a significant contribution.

I read once that the happiest humans live/lived in groups of around 100, everyone knows everyone and there's a job or purpose for everyone regardless of age or ability. The longest living humans as described in the book blue zones have good family connections and many have several generations together. Daily contact with close friends and family was a common theme where people lived past 100.

I hope your loneliness changes to time laughing with someone and feeling a great purpose in life.

I'm sorry to hear this satine. I have found revisiting old hobbies and having a pet help. Also watching whatever will make me smile and laugh on TV or streaming TV. I am a recluse and keep in touch with old friends when they call or email but do not call them, as they are busy, or maybe I just find it tiring.

Some people think there is something wrong with me because I don't like to go out and socialize. Whatever. I am recovering from caregiving and grieving my many loved ones who have passed in the last few years. I don't see a doctor or take meds. I sleep much longer than most people but luckily that is possible for me. And don't have an appetite as I used to. I would qualify as 'depressed' if I had a doctor. But I don't think I am. I am plodding along, coping and functional, as many widows do.

Sitting too long is a bad thing. Yesterday I sat at my computer too long trying to research websites to publish my late husband's works yet again after 3 plus years and got confused and frustrated, again. I felt sad and ill today. And had to cry over stupid stuff (like stupid stuff on Tv, and trying to play David Bowie's A Space Oddity, feeling so very sorry for Major Tom). Sometimes we need a catharsis. And give upon the past. Well that is just a note to self. Everyone is different. You should look to what helps you and gives you inspiration, and avoid whatever brings you down.

I hope you feel better soon!

Satine, first of all, hugs to you and I hope that you find a way to cope with those feelings of loneliness. I think for many people having a pet helps, and there are so many homeless dogs/cats that would love to have their own human to live with.

I thought I would include my own experience to give some perspective: there was a time after my first marriage was over that I was lonely, so I got married again to someone I had not been seeing for a very long time. The cure was much worse than the ailment and I ended up divorcing him 6 months later.

So with that 'be careful for what you wish for' lesson I am now mostly very happy with my single life. But I am not you and I agree with the others who have supported your reaching out with your feelings, and also with my hopes that you find a way to feel better.

Best wishes for your happiness!

.

I'm actually having a really hard time with this right now. I'm in therapy. In addition to medication (it's a very small part of it, and I'm not sure it will help because, like Scott, mine is probably situational. We'll see.), she and I are going at this problem different ways. She first suggested specific books for me to read. I got one chapter into the first one, and wow, the cloud lifted quite a bit. I felt heard. I felt like I wasn't the only one going through what I am. Another is, we're talking about different activities (also suggested above) that put me on a positive road to the outcome I want. That is, to be better off than I was before I hit this speed bump, and be proactive in choosing my life. Through one thing or another, I am in the midst of losing almost all I know these days (a good friend (talked with quite a bit and saw at least weekly) moved away, or my son is finishing the marching band program in another month and I won't see those parents with whom I've built relationships any more, ailing elderly parents, etc.). My objective is to find people with similar hobbies and interest to build new relationships. For instance, I am a HUGE gardener. We have a community farmer's market where I live and there is someone there that sells seedlings. I might find him and ask to share his booth or offer to bolster his stock. That'd put me squarely into talking with someone who could be a new friend, and if I work the booth, lots of folks right where I live, we have that in common. Things like that.

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I think there is something to the action portion, but I think having a sounding board is helping me find healthy alternatives. Just food for thought.

blfenton--your mom hit the nail on the head. I have been a widow for 16 years and once you have had a good close marriage you never get over the loss. The little things are what you miss most. Rob it is always hard to lose anything that has been a pleasant part of your life. Can you still see one or two of the band parents? Ah, a pet. I have the cat from hell but I love her and she loves me. I am going to stay with two of my grandchildren today so I better get moving. Will read through this thread again.

I see the band parents on Facebook, but it's not my son's base school, and the past few years, once the season is over, I don't really interact with them too much. It's just the camaraderie of the season that makes it fun. I'm not really all that connected to them. I need to make meaningful connections, I think. I think that's part of my big worry, putting myself out there.

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I hope you do try a million different things and whatever sticks, go for it. We'll get there.

For some, it seems effortless. The more friends they have, the more they get. Other, myself included, take a long time to cultivate just one new friend.

So Rob, your example of making a conscious effort is spot on. It takes work and determination to make even the smallest of changes.

I do, you know I am a widow also and its just no fun at all! alone doing everything, no one to talk to or go out with. I've checked into everything I can think of, it will just have to come when its ready I guess. I can't help much, I just try to stay busy or get out of the house. Then I am good to just watch tv or read. email me if you want to chat. Do you have a pet? If not get one! That is the only way to keep somewhat sane. I lost my little dog last month but got another a few days later. She is a sweetheart, and keeps me company.

I am sorry you are going through this. I have never felt feelings of loneliness or depression and for the most part I am alone 90 percent of the time. I am a real people person and love spending time with friends and family but I also don't mind being alone. Maybe that comes from being growing up in a large family of 9 living in a 2 bedroom house, you were never able to be alone. My sister was the opposite, she suffered from depression and loneliness, and took medication for it. I have never been married so maybe I would be different if I suffered the loss of my spouse. Wishing you well.

Yes, when your spouse is gone so is your life as you knew it. Then your parents & grandparents are gone and your children don't see you much at all, what's left? Everyone is either far away and friends dissapear, then you are lonely.

I just finished reading "Lonely" by Emily Wright. Very insightful. The author states that as many as 25% of people are lonely and most people keep this state hidden. She says...and I think it's true.... a lot of what people want is the quiet companionship of someone in the next room. The noises and just daily living together, not social obligations and events to attend. Interesting subject and read.

I read these comments and I think there must be something wrong with me!! I love being alone!! And I cannot remember ever being lonely.

I am divorced, not widowed, and I did go through a period of depression during and after my divorce. I was prescribed medication but it didn't seem to help and the side effects were unpleasant so I stopped taking it. And I did undertake counseling, which helped a lot. At the very least, it gives validation to your feelings.

It took some time but it got better. And then I decided to change my living situation - sold my house, downsized and moved to a different area (but not far away from friends and family). And that made all the difference in the world.......almost like starting over! I structured my "new" life exactly the way I wanted it and never looked back. Maybe not the solution for every one but another possibility to consider.

I have my own small business and that keeps me somewhat busy and gives me a purpose. It is important that you have something of purpose to do, whether it be working at a job, volunteering, crafting, gardening, etc. Lack of productive activity can certainly contribute to depression! I also have a couple of pets and it is incredible the amount of companionship a small animal can provide - it's hard to be lonely with a fuzzy body snuggling against you or asking for your attention :-))

Because of my business I am out and about and interacting with others several times a week, sometimes more often. But I also allow myself completely nonproductive days where I might stay in my jammies all day and do nothing more than read a book or binge on a Netflix series.....a "vacation" day as it were :-) And exercise and fresh air is important so I walk my dog and garden whenever I can.

If I am craving human companionship, I will schedule a lunch or dinner with a friend or family member. But I am not uncomfortable being by myself and often go to the movies, the museum or eat out on my own. I actually relish my reclusiveness and enjoy being by myself. To me, it's all about attitude and acceptance.

This tends to be a very personal situation and there is no blanket 'fix' - you have to find what works for you. But it can and will get better! Explore some of the suggestions given and see what makes sense to you and leaves you in a more positive frame of mind. And know that you are not alone in this and that talking - even online to an anonymous audience - can help.

I don't equate alone and loneliness. I like being alone, but loneliness is hard to handle. It's one thing to enjoy your own company, but quite another when you lack the support and companionship of those you love. Does that help gardengal?

Does it help what? Most of the previous comments have stated something to the effect that being alone leads to loneliness and I fail to see the connection. I am alone both due to circumstances and by choice but that does not mean that I am therefore lonely. And where does living alone translate to not having support and companionship - you don't need to live with someone else to have both of those. Life is what you make of it and one does not require a spouse or significant other or even a roommate to make one happy or dispel loneliness. It is just a matter of finding it or cultivating it elsewhere in your life style.

I love being alone!! And I cannot remember ever being lonely.

I'm mostly addressing this one comment.

:)

I agree. Have someone live with you, and you can still be lonely. It can be the worst kind of lonely.

^^^^Amen, rob.

Years ago I remember my friend crying after she broke up with her boyfriend. She thought she would never get married and she was afraid of being alone and lonely when she got older. She had a lot of friends and family. I told her even if she got married she could end up being lonely. I said think of all the women out there who have husbands who are not there for their wives or don't talk. I said I would rather be lonely being single that being lonely in a marriage.

There's nothing wrong with wanting "me time" or "alone time". Many introverted/shy people need it to recharge batteries drained when with others, and others like it just to give the day some variety or provide time to think.

Otherwise, I think oftentimes people who say they prefer living alone are rationalizing their own situations, perhaps of having exited a negative relationship or otherwise lacking a deep and positive relationship with a partner or other person. Some who have had unhappy relationships may even make an effort to avoid developing new ones. I don't think most people in positive and happy relationships would say they would prefer or long to live alone.

You might think that Elmer, but there are folks who require A LOT of me time, and find it hard to live with other folks. True introverts must be alone. Some, more than others.

I agree with rob...I grew up as an only child with a widowed mother who worked long hours - resulting in a LOT of alone time for me, a great deal of independence. Even though I had a wonderful, long term marriage, sharing a home with someone full time was the hardest part of marriage for me. I was widowed in my 40's. Although living alone isn't ideal 100% of the time, for me it's much preferable to sharing space with someone 100% of the time. I live near a college and have rented rooms to students on occasion, which works pretty well, but I'm almost always glad when it's time for them to move on and I can have more alone time. A roommate is different than a partner, though, because we each have our own space separate from each other, along with the shared spaces.

I'm not really an introvert, have a great community of friends and a reasonably busy social life, I LOVE coming home to my home for some alone time.

rob, I wasn't trying to paint everyone with the same brush. You know you, I don't. I was describing many people I've known and used the word "oftentimes" and not "usually" or always" to acknowledge it's not everyone. But there are many people out there who would fit into the description I offered. That's where the expression "once bitten, twice shy" comes from .

And there are many introspective, introverted people who aren't like that, including two very introverted people in my extended family who have very happy marriages with partners (and friends and family) who understand their need to get away or at least be left alone some parts of each day.