Sounds like you two have a lot of historical baggage in your relationship. You need to talk about it with her, bury the hatchet, and move forward with more mutually respectful dealings. Absent that, nothing will change.

Sisters!! I have one that plays helpless too and it can be very frustrating.

I say let her go. She wants you to do all the dirty work so she can have all the fun. If she wants to go bad enough, she'll send the email. Just ignore her, it will pass after awhile. If not, so what. Nothing lost. Sooner or later, she'll return.

Yep, she wanted you to do the work. I know people like her. I refuse to do their work. But she is blood. No need to write her off completely (guarded interactions might be ok) over unpleasantness. Unless you're just fed up.

I can tell you are upset. Sorry. But--this not your problem. It's hers to fix one way or another. She's frustrated and took it out on you.

Certainly she isn't the only one not on Facebook. And I don't blame you for not getting the info for her. (I once asked someone to do this for me not realizing it would loop them into a whole other world of people. Now I know and would never ask anyone.)

Does Sis do this often? Unload on you and they reject all your efforts to be helpful? If so, I'd avoid that scenario by just expressing sympathy.

Yes, people who won't help themselves when they know what to do frustrate me. I've finally learned to limit my interactions with those people and when I must be in their presence, to express empathy or sympathy as Socks stated, but to not offer any solutions or assistance.

How many other times have you done something for her that she should/could have done for herself. If she's older than 18 (I'm being generous) it's time to let her grow up and take care of herself.

If she really wants to go to the reunion she'll figure out a way to get the information.

Since you are already on Facebook, If it was me I would have joined the reunion page and gotten the info for her. Or contacted the reunion organizer and explain that everyone is not getting the necessary info.

Not a big deal and easy to leave the reunion page when ready.

Kindness can be contagious.

I think it would be hard to say what went wrong with this conversation without having been there. It sounds a bit like there are underlying anger issues?

With all due respect, Sherwood, how do you think your sister would describe her relationship with you?

Sherwood admitted expressing frustration, that's likely not the first time each has been frustrated with the other and might have been a mutual trigger for each to get more upset. Successful relationships take effort on both sides.

Waiting for someone else to "come around" is rarely successful.

"I never know when I see her if it will be a peaceful visit or an argument."

This is my sister. She is a self centered drama queen, and when she gets in a snit it might last a week or two years. Other times, she's as pleasant as can be. You just never know what will set her off. Our brother will only see her in short intervals, because she is so tiresome. Talking to her about it, as Elmer suggests, is a waste. Everyone else is the problem, not her, no sireeee.

I just ignore it. If she's being pleasant, we have a good time together. If she stomps off in a snit, I ignore it until she comes back around, acting like nothing happened. She is 61 going on 6, and is not going to change at this point in her life.

Dealing with "difficult" family members is always a test of our self control :-) I have the same problems with my older sister, who continues to treat me like I am 7 years old instead of just seven years younger. Both she and my older brother (just over 2 years her senior; 10 years mine) are very much like our mother in terms of liking to be 'in charge' and directing how one should live their life. Oddly, neither of them got along well with mom when she was alive for the very reasons they now exhibit themselves. And both of them are able to hold a grudge indefinitely..........just like mom did. But do not make the mistake of attempting to point how much they follow in mom's footsteps, personality-wise, if you value your life!!

I am and always have been the peacemaker in the family and so tend to let a lot of this stuff go. It is just not worth it to foster the dissension and bad feelings at this late stage in our lives (we are all 'seniors'). When it gets to the point where I can't take it any longer, I calmly tell them what they have said or done that is so hurtful and then let it drop. Or lay off my feelings on a close friend who knows them both and understands completely. Kinda like a mini rant here on GW :-))

IMO, family is too important in our lives to allow much in the way of conflict or ill-will to persist. You know the old saying....you can't pick your family so you just gotta learn to live with them !!

This is me and my 81 year old mother and she lives with me and my husband. I've concluded that she is unhappy and until she decides what has made her that way this will be our life. It's gotten so bad that we are considering asking to her to find a different place to live. You won't change your sister you will either have to accept her as she is or keep her at a distance.

To me, it would be so sad to have anything other than a good, loving relationship with my sisters. I'm sorry for both of you.

I think you should be as nice as you can, and just plan ahead for how much sister you can take that particular day or week. If it is one of those days where you have only one last nerve and you don't want her on it, plan a get together for another day.

Relatives, acquaintances, friends, we all know people that we have to be in a certain frame of mind to interact with.

Ah, I see. You sister doesn't want to contact her "former friend". She wants you to look at this information on Facebook while she remains anonymous.

Is it terribly difficult for you to do her this favor? (I don't use Facebook, so I don't know, but it doesn't seem a monumental effort.) Would you say no to a friend who asked the same thing?

I think we can all reach a point of not wanting to help someone who won't help themselves. My father told me he needed to return a piece of equipment we used on my late mother. He told me to come right over and put it in a box for them to pick up. It was about as big as a remote. He lives a 22 mile round trip away. I said "No, you can put it in a box, you're right there." He has a garage full of small boxes. He seemed shocked that I didn't want to do that for him but he said OK. 2 months later, they picked it up.

Some people just ask and ask and don't ever expect to be denied. I am sorry your sister pushes you enough that you can't get along all the time.

Thank you all for the feedback. Yes, we have a difficult relationship. My parents fought all the time when we were growing up. We are "proof" that it is better to get divorced. My sister is 67 and I'm 69. I know that if we are to have a relationship, I will have to change. She was already upset with me because I didn't want to hear all of her complaints (masked as concern) about our brother and his two grown daughters (40 yo and 37 yo). I've told her several times that hearing all of the negativity makes me not want to see them. Hoped that would get her to stop, but instead, she took it as me disagreeing with her viewpoint.

Thanks again! PS Back in Spike's day, I was on here as Colorcrazy, but I couldn't remember my password, so had to create a new name.

I deleted my comment. After reading Sherwoodva's recent response, I didn't think it was relevant.

I see some very negative assumptions about sherwood's sister being made with little to no evidence to support such assumptions. I mean, what if her sister had asked, "Hey! Would you mind stopping at The Dairy Barn (or 7-11, Stop 'n' Go, WaWa...whatever!) on your way over and picking up a gallon of milk for me?" Don't all of you do that with your sibs/family/friends? Boy, I do!!

So, Sherwood: Based strictly on the information you've presented, I think it's you who messed up this morning's visit, not your sister.

So, Sammy, you think she should not have to send an email to the person planning the reunion? If she wants the info, why does she have to go through me to get it? BTW, if I asked the woman to email my sister, my sister would have a hissy fit.

But Sammy, it's more like Sherwood's sister asked, "Hey! Would you mind driving to the store and picking up a gallon of milk for me, and then putting up with the store pestering you daily to buy more?"

My mother always said God helps those who help themselves. I don't mind helping those who need help, but if someone can easily fix their own problem but thinks I should do it for them because they simply don't want to and prefer to have their peons do it for them, forget it.

I have three sisters. Each is frustrating in her own way. Just possibly, they might say the same about me!

I guess my reaction to the original poster's situation would depend on why the sister refused to get on facebook. One of my sisters is very timid about technology and the internet. Another is very paranoid about privacy. I'd be more inclined to help the timid one than the paranoid one.

Mt sister used to supervise 65 people; she is not timid. I agree that paranoid is a better description. Thanks! I get a slew of emails from FB as it is; I don't need to get more on her behalf. I've explained that to her before.

I have to disagree with Sammy.........I don't find the two situations similar at all. Sister asked sherwood to go out of her way to do something that had nothing to do with her (sherwood) but that Sister was too intimidated/unmotivated/lazy to do herself. And then became miffed because sherwood wouldn't bend to her wishes. To me, that's a far cry from swinging by the corner market to pick up a gallon of milk when you were passing by on you way over anyway. It is much more like asking sherwood - who had no intention of visiting Sister at all that day - to get in her car, drive to the corner market that is right down the street from Sister's house and pick up the milk because Sister could not be bothered to do so herself!!

"! I get a slew of emails from FB as it is; I don't need to get more on her behalf. I've explained that to her before."

I don't understand this? What kind of emails? The only time I receive emails connected to Facebook is when I am tagged or someone wants to post to my timeline. Have you checked your privacy settings and set them to fit your needs?

Why can't she go through you to get it? If there's something about this situation that makes her uncomfortable or is giving her anxiety, but's really easy for you to do, why not just do it? Like I said, I'm basing my opinion on the little bit of information you shared in your original post. (And since I've not had a relationship with any of my siblings for well over a year now, I hate to see another sisterly relationship go south over such a seemingly trivial matter.)

FWIW, I really do hope you two can find a way to resolve your issues.

Maddielee, I get them when I am tagged, when someone responds to my post, and when someone posts on a thread I am following for two groups. I am very active on FB.

There must be a much bigger underlying issue with your sister. I know family can be irritating, but I can't fathom arguing and parting ways after 10 minutes over the request she made of you. Family is so important and I hope you and your sister can have some conversations to work out your problems and hopefully make your relationship better.

Sherwood, you can change your notification settings for every app or group that you are a part of on Facebook. If you'd like help with that I can help you.

Sorry that you and sis had a blowup.

I'm sorry about this too...

My sister and I don't speak. I'm okay with it at this point, she knows nothing of me and my own mental battles...

I don't do facebook, either, but I had no idea a request about it would be such an issue...

Now I know, I guess.

I would like to point out that people have difficulties in areas that we would never imagine...and tolerance is massively appreciated I think.

I fully understand people not wanting to get involved with Facebook, MySpace, Twitter and all that garbage. However, since they have the option of emailing someone then there's no excuse to not do it.

This is a relationship that is toxic to your peace of mind. The less time you spend with your sister, the better, IMO.

So many people have this idea that "family" means that they can get away with more. Especially family members who are not friends or are quite the opposite. I'm way more willing to do something special for a true friend than a slimeball family member. Being related doesn't make them friends. They have to become friends. When they are enemies, why would I do favors for them? And there's various degrees in-between.

I'm also not a person who feels compelled to have everyone "like" me. In fact there's certain people I just do NOT want to associate with. If we don't get along, why waste valuable time forcing it when any rational person knows it won't be a beneficial relationship? Life is too short to be that egotistical.

You weren't unreasonable suggesting she email the person. It was the perfect solution and the best way of helping a person. Helping a person help themself is one of the kindest gestures a person can make. Some people don't want to be taught "to fish".

We can't know your family history, but based solely on this I would say that *you* are the "Frustrating Sister" in this scenario.

You reject that your sister -- for whatever reason -- does not want to be in direct contact with the reunion organizer. You judge her for not doing what you would do. You refuse to help her in this very small thing. You don't 'get upset'; you get judgmental.

You state that you are very active on Facebook. You exaggerate the inconvenience of doing this. I seriously doubt you would refuse to do this small thing for a friend who does not have or want a Facebook account, but you refuse your sister.

You don't want to discuss family with family. What are you agreeable to discussing with your sister? As you have laid it our, this incident makes you look like a remote and controlling Big Sister. Do you want to divorce your sister, or do you want a different kind of relationship with her?

Family relationships are worth the effort they take to maintain. (Abusive relationships not withstanding.)

If every interaction triggers an overreaction and explosion of emotions (in this case, a conversation about a really trivial matter that ended the meeting in 10 minutes), I think there's a problem. One that has nothing at all to do with what was discussed in this encounter. The problem either gets addressed or it doesn't, as those concerned decide.

Those of you who have described states of Cold War standoffs with your relatives/siblings are hardly doing any better, you've just cut out the confrontations.

Interesting how this got turned around on OP. Now she's the bad one because she wouldn't join the group to get the info for her sister. Yes, it probably normally wouldn't be a big deal for someone to do for someone else...whether it be a freind or a relative but it sounds to me like the sister is just being stubborn or playing helpless and OP has probably dealt with the same type of crap from her and tired of it. I don't blame her. My sister used to use my FB account instead of getting her own...which was irritating but whatever I let it go. Then she would message people....then she friended some lady who sold essential oils blah blah blah...and I was like you really should just join facebook...but because she was stubborn she didn't want to join...so I finally told her I was going to change the password and she needed to make her own FB page. She was a little irritated with me but she got over it and not too long after she had her own FB page going. Not a big deal. But it sounds like OP and sister have had a rough relationship for awhile so I don't think OP is being difficult just to be difficult IMO.

blfenton -- You sound like the genuine article, Big Sister. You know best. It's your way or the highway. Besides, "I'm tired of being the Big Sister, taking care of you babies since you were born!"

It's so easy for me to be 'objective'. I'm an only child! hahaha

huh?

sherwood is the older sister and said no. Good for her.

You and Sherwood would agree, and you are both Big Sisters. That's my point. A lot of Big Sisters had to 'take care of' their younger sibs within their families of origin just because they *were* the eldest girl.

I've known a few Big Sisters who never wanted to have children, saying they'd already BTDT. I can see where it might get old -- or feel endless -- and I'm guessing that could be why one would want to be done 'helping'.

Rita put into words perfectly what I was thinking. I have four sisters, each of us very different from the other (and one is very much a drama queen), but there isn't much I wouldn't do for any of them. I'm not saying this to make the OP look bad, every relationship is different, however when it comes to our family, I think the extra effort or turn of the cheek is worth it.

So many responses! Thank you.

Chisue said "You don't want to discuss family with family." My sister is totally negative about my brother and his daughters. She does not have one nice thing to say about them, but she wants to be able to vent to me endlessly. Some days I let her go on, but several times I have asked her to please stop. I am on here because I am not about to be a hypocrite and vent about her to my brother. BTW, he does not talk to her and sees her maybe twice a year. I'm the one who sees both of them, but it is relaxing to be with my brother. My sister sometimes brings out the worst in me. We had a very dysfunctional upbringing. I've been in therapy over it. She often denies that anything negative happened, so we don't talk about our childhood much.

Thanks for elaborating, sherwoodva. DID you have to do a lot of the 'raising' of your siblings just because you were the eldest girl? ( Iam wondering if my self-awarded degree in psychology came up with a reasonable reading.)

I have needed to avoid two extremes in people. Some see only the negative, and others refuse to acknowledge negatives. I am not a "black or white" person -- more grey. Sometimes too grey!

Chisue, she is only 23 months younger than me, and my mother stayed home until my brother was in school, so I can't claim to have helped raise her, sorry. I am certainly no angel, but she definitely pushes my buttons. When my parents got divorced after 44 years, my brother and I stayed out of it, but she testified against my father at the trial. Then, four years later, she had a hissy fit because I wouldn't help her get on friendly terms with him again!

We both tend to be blunt, so that doesn't help. I guess I will just lay low for a while and see what happens.

My mother in law was the same way with a lot of stuff. I finally told her if she doesn't want to help herself to quit complaining. She quit complaining, but never did help herself. LOL

Sherwoodva, we must be sisters because I have a sister like yours. We were fine until she decided to move to our hometown where I have always resided. But I am getting tired of her always being right and trying to change everyone to do what she wants. I don't have that many years so I am going to be happy and she will just have to deal with it.