I've been there Pesky, and lost my mom much too early (almost 3 years ago). There's no easy answer... But in plain terms, the facts are these: -- Your mom's health is likely not good, the predictable cumulative result of years of unhealthy choices. That damage is done -- water under the bridge -- something that can't now be undone with any sort of intervention. So lecturing your mom about her health habits and past choices isn't likely to do any good. -- Your mom appears to be in denial about her health -- the 'What I don't know won't hurt me' philosophy. I get that. It's something we all do from time to time, and to a certain degree, that's her right as an adult. Knowing the bad news only helps when there's something constructive you can do about it. -- But, the combination of these two factors could absolutely mean that a treatable condition goes untreated, both shortening her life by many years, and reducing her quality of life for however many years she has left. And IMO, that is intervention-worthy. Assuring that she live better and longer is a perfectly valid concern. I'd focus the intervention on keeping her in the best possible future health, not on 'bad-news' diagnostics and unpleasant and unwanted lifestyle changes that she'd be unlikely to stick with. Sure, she'd be healthier if she gave up fast food and dropped 40 pounds -- but you can't make that happen, and you don't want to sour your relationship with her trying to change who she is and how she lives. It doesn't sound like she wants to change her lifestyle, and it could be that by assuring her you won't harp on that, you may be able to get a toe in the door medically. What's her personality like? I mean, is she pragmatic? Dramatic? Are her feelings easily hurt? Would talking honestly and openly about her inevitable eventual death (in theory) be painful or offensive to her? If the focus is on keeping her 'reasonably' healthy, independent and mentally active (translation, out of a nursing home!) would she be receptive to that?

I have three boys and I don't believe I was naked around them after they were 2-3. I don't remember my husband running around naked with them either. I am assuming you only have one bathroom? I've always felt in marriage and life you need to pick your battles, and quite honestly, I think everyone is making way too much out of this whole issue. I don't personally see an issue with him being against her seeing him naked, and I think she's old enough to shower by herself. Since this is an issue for DH, then I'd stop doing it. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it with your daughter telling her Daddy thinks it's wrong etc. If it's once in a blue moon that you have to shower together, then fine, but it sounds like it happens more often than that and that's why he's made an issue out of it. I'd tell your daughter that's she's a big girl now, and she can shower all by herself, you'll be in the bathroom if she needs help and leave it at that. Call me a prude, but I don't think it's necessary for kids and parents to be nude around each other. I don't think it will create a sexually stunted child to have personal modesty and be private about bathing. I also am not a huge fan of pubic showering with boys or girls. I know it was humiliating for my sons to shower after practices because they weren't as developed as the other boys their age and they felt very uncomfortable.

Canada provides an Old Age Security that starts at 65, and has a residence requirement (10 years, 18 years or so residence in Canada) so I applied for it then, 17 years ago. If one earns over about $65,000./year, they begin to claw part of it back, with full clawback at about $110,000. - that provision does not come close to affecting me, with annual income something under $50,000.! Canada began a mandatory public pension plan, with both employer and employee contributing, about 45 years ago, looking to retirement at 65, with a reduction of 1% for each 2 mos. that one chose to retire early, or an addition of 1% for each 2 mos. that one delayed, up to age 70. I more or less officially retired 15 years ago at 67, at which time I applied to receive my Canada pension Plan benefit. As I had had a fairly low income for a number of years, thus made less that regular contribution levels, that benefit has been somewhat reduced. I had a private pension to which I had contributed for just over 20 years and I began to receive that benefit at 65. I had a modest self-administered retirement plan with contributions deductible and payments added to income when drawn. I had a part time job at slightly over minimum wage until about 70, but have not been employed since. I have been able to live within those pensions, and save some to add to investments in almost every year. As a personal financial advisor for a number of years I learned money management, which allows me to make use of some tax deductions related to investments, and substantial contributions to various medical, social, international, educational and religious charities, plus some political contributions, which have allowed me to cut my federal income tax recently to zero (with extra unused credits, this year) and only a small provincial cost, most of it supporting our healthcare system, which I feel it a privilege to do, though I have made few demands on such service until this past year. I will be surprised if my pensions, with additions from investments if and when needed, will not be sufficient to maintain me adequately till I reach a hundred and more. I've heard many retirees say that they've become so busy that they don't know where they ever found time to go to work. I garden in summer, have only about 200 - 300 feet planted of something over a quarter mile of row planned, but it's been raining so often that it's hard to plant, and part of the ground is clay: if one works that too early, when it's too wet ... it bakes about as hard as iron. Take the proceeds to a couple of churches to give away, with the proviso that recipients add at least part of the value to their contributions, and some goes to family, friends and social service agencies. I read and visit friends in winter, plus spend time on the internet and do some social activities, in addition to doing a number of volunteer activities, including income tax preparation for low-income folks, a service offered by one of the churches with which I'm involved, in early spring. I learned to live fairly frugally while growing up, and had some additional lessons in that game while helping refugees get re-established in Korea following the Korean War. One of the jolly and heavily involved men at church says that he likes to have me park my car next to his somewhat older one ... for it makes his look good. Never mind - it gets me where I want to go and brings me home (most of the time). I'm thankful to be physically, mentally and emotionally able to get myself out of various issues that come up from time to time. My rent here on the farm is rather low (I have to carry my water for drinking and most cooking ... but I've done that before, so it's not a burdensome chore) and I figure that I can continue to live here as long as I am able to drive my car. I've said for some time that it seems to me to make a lot of sense for up to half a dozen old folks, when they come to the time when looking after their place becomes a burden, to share a house. Living alone doesn't exactly make for interesting conversation. Intellectual stimulation helps to keep Alzheimer's at bay, I've heard. Shared chores are more fun than doing them all by one's lonesome ... and the extra hands would mean that they were much less onerous that in one's own digs. Not only that - the reduced costs of household including operation would mean that they could hire heavy cleaning, etc. done. If someone were to fall over with a problem ... there'd be others on hand to provide or summon help ... and no doubt they'd know whether they could take care of it ... or should call the family caregiver ... or call 911: right now! There'd be a large reduction in costs over maintaining each individual home ... and certainly over the costs involved in entering either a residential or a nursing home. Interesting discussion, today. And there's more info over on the "Retirement" forum, if anyone wants to consider other facets of the situation. ole joyfuelled

I've not read through all the responses. I've not personally done this, but my son is a SAHD. My son is an archaeologist, with his masters degree achieved at UCL London -- a profession that requires travel, so he gave it up when he and his wife had their first child (now there are two). The kids are 2 and 4, and there may be another coming. Each year, he teaches one month at a local university while that professor is on a dig. He writes, has developed software for his field. But, his primary full-time job is taking care of the children, the house, the finances, etc. He also has a degree in economics/CFP certification, so he's extremely involved in their investments. He'll be 34 this summer. His wife is an anesthesiologist at a major, famous medical center. She is rather elite, being one of a few worldwide with certain training and achievement and she can't name names, but VIPs are often treated there. Her hours are very long--I've known her to work up to 80 hours in one week. Above 40, most weeks. Sixty hours is likely for several weeks per month. Her schedule rotates all the time -- days, nights, weekends. She's on call in rotation, and works in organ transplants as well as neurosurgery. She'll be 37 next month. They seem to be happy with this arrangement, but given my son's age, I'm one who worries. I worry about his longterm personal satisfaction and self-esteem. Heaven forbid they ever divorce or she dies, it would be very difficult for him to establish a career in anything, with such a big gap in employment -- in other words, I worry about his financial dependency on her if something horrible happened. I'm often helping with the kids in the evenings when she comes home, tired and quiet, from such a serious job. I hear her ask my son if he did "xyz" or "what did he do that day." It's in his answer that I detect a bit of defense in his time spent on useful things, rather than being slack. It may just be my "mom filter" and there may be nothing to it at all. At their wedding rehearsal dinner, my DIL's father even commented to me that my son's career wasn't a money-maker like his daughter's. So, there's that, too. My son doesn't have the respect from her father. I can't speak for you and your husband, but I can bring up the mother/MIL concerns.